Estranged MIL suddenly in our care? What do we do first?

She (might) have early onset dementia or another medical problem that can mimic that. There are many. Uncontrolled diabetes or dehydration or electro light imbalance can do that as well. Get her to the geriatric doc asap. They can help with paperwork and what you need to do to get POA (if that is needed). It might not be needed.

Id get her dog the dog calming treats. The dog is also experiencing a huge upheaval of his life, and is very scared and upset from all the stress, new surroundings and new people who dont want the dog. It can pick up on all that stress. So it is highly stressed. The calming treats will help relax it. Take the dog for a nice walk. That will help destress the dog too. He might calm down with a steady routine and attention.
First thing get mil to a doc. Good luck.

Take MIL to ER & say you’re unable to care for her ..talk to Social Worker there in helping have her placed. Tell SW how confused & mixed up she is. They will give her tests & figure out what to do. Make sure she gets admitted & stays 3 days....Hugs 🤗

Another update: we found a clinic we could take her to with no upfront cost. They are doing a bunch of labs and tests. She either has a thyroid issue or gout for sure. The labs will tell which one. Hopefully, all her memory and cognitive issues are caused by a thyroid problem and we can get her independent. We won't get her lab results back until next week, at the earliest. But we are hoping to at least have a care plan by Christmas!

Sister has no say at this point, she needs care, this is not normal for a 51 year old person. Something is very wrong.

Stick to your guns and get her into a facility that can help her get better. This isn't about turns, it's about a person that is obviously, obviously suffering something.

Sometimes we have to do very hard things to help people, and we are usually not popular with other family members who think differently, oh well. If their mom gets better they can apologize and if not, your family and life are left intact.

Happy to read that you found a home for her dog.

Your MIL needs a complete physical exam including Blood work up, and also a Complete Mental health exam by a Neurologist who specializes in Dementia and NPD.

In your bio, you stated that she has Dementia/Alzheimer's, Depression, Diabetes, and Anxiety disorder. These are all serious conditions in their own right and need to be addressed to see that she is on the proper medications and at the correct dosages, which may take some time as you are basically starting from scratch.

I reccomend you get right on getting her the help she needs, even if you go to Social Services to get her on Medicaid if she doesn't have established health insurance, so she can get the proper care she needs.

I also warn you for having her around your children, incase she is mentally unstable, as your kids may not be able to protect themselves should she go off the rails, given her Anxiety issues, it would be my first concern!

Having Diabetes and her other health problems, and not having been on the right meds, it might be determined that her "Dementia" symptoms and confusion are a side effect of not having the proper treatment and will hopefully diminish some (hopefully a lot), once her medications needs are met and she is back "on track", her Mental illness may also come into play to her obvious confusion too.

Mental confusion (Dementia ?) is often seen when Diabetes and Kidney function is not managed properly, she is very young (only 51 years old) to have such severe symptoms of Dementia, so hopefully she will improve with better medication and treatment, plus good nutrition too! It is important that she have a complete blood workup Asap!


It is so generous and commendable that you have taken on this responsibility of you estranged MIL, but you need to make sure that your family comes first! This woman is virtually a complete stranger to you, her Son and your young family and with the extensive issues that she has, it might be more than you guys can handle, and her Mental illness symptoms may possibly be even a danger to you all.

Run don't walk to getting her immediate health care, and maybe even get a Social worker involved to get her proper placement. And do know that if she ever ends up in hospital, you Can Refuse to take her home as an "UNSAFE DISCHARGE"! You would need to convey this to the Discharge Coordinator Sternly, and they will find her the necessary placement. You must not put your children and yourselves at risk and put too much strain on your family and your future lives. She may even need to be admitted to a Mental Hospital to be adjusted to new medicines.

NPD is a family destroyer, they suck the life out of you using FOG, Fear Obligation and Guilt, do not let the happen to you, your children and your marriage! Get educated, and make the Best decisions for your family first, and then help her to get the best care and living placement next! You cannot do this alone!

Good Luck!
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I think there is more here than NPD involved. Hopefully the VA can help with what is really going on. And do what "you" have too. You really don't want raise kids around a narcissist. Read up on it if u haven't. If it ends up she needs more care than u can give, don't hesitate to get her into LTC with Medicaid. Maybe, the VA can put her in one of their homes.

Hope ur able to get POA. She has to assign you. She may not be deemed competent enough to do that.

I originally posted the dog must go, but then read the update, which I was very happy to read.

Being formally diagnosed with NPD, which I assume is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is a whole lot more than 'challenging'; she can wind up destroying your lives! And, you already have your hands quite FULL caring for two disordered children. If I were you, I'd read up about NPD and be sure to learn all you can as you may have to find placement ELSEWHERE for your MIL.

Here is a link to a very, very large thread on the subject of narcissism and dementia that you may be interested in taking a look at:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mom-dementia-narcissistic-162338.htm

Best of luck!

Thank you so much for your update. Please let us know when you have a diagnosis. Your Mom is so young. Cannot tell if you are looking at complete mental breakdown or dementia. I am so relieved to have an update, and very relieved that the dog was taken to a shelter. So sorry for all you are going through. As to what the sister says, I honestly don't care. She has the option to continue care of your Mom but she doesn't have the option to tell YOU what to do with your own life. Your Mom could live for another 50 years, but you would be very unlikely to survive her that long. Wishing you good luck.

Update: We took the dog to a rescue where he was successfully re-homed. We really didn't want to separate them, but she started to say very concerning things about having him euthanized instead of letting anyone else have him. She also would not authorize us to take him to the vet to get a check-up. We thought it was best for him if he was re-homed. Things were very rocky for about a week, but she has forgotten about him now. The Sister's don't have any documentation on her. From speaking to them, it sounds like they just provided a roof over her head, rather than actual care. We have found some papers in what little stuff she brought with her and are in the process of attaining POA's for her, as opposed to guardianship. We spoke with one sister at Thanksgiving, and mentioned that our goal was to get Mom into a facility where she can be better cared for. Sister was very angry at that idea and said it was "our turn" to care for her. I have found some prescription labels in her belongings, but the prescribing doctors have not gotten back with me yet over what these were for. We have almost finished building her a room of her own. Thankfully, all the kids have been understanding with this (I have two with various disorders). Their therapists think this is a good opportunity to practice flexibility, caring for others, and family dynamics. It has definitely been a roller-coaster. We found a few mental health papers in her things that make her situation a bit clearer. She has NPD which is challenging in itself. On Monday, we are hopefully visiting the VA to see if she has any benefits. She mentioned she was awarded full spousal when her husband went missing. If she was, than she will have insurance. Thank you everyone for giving me advice. I just really didn't know where to start.

You will have to have her financial records to see where things are "at". Does the sister have that. Has she been POA for Mom. You will have to seek guardianship for your mother should you choose to do so. You and your husband need to take everything you do have in terms of information, to an attorney specializing in Elder Law.
Start with Sister. What information does she had re Mom, Mom's bills, accounts and etc.. When you have all the legal and financial records you can find, next step is an MD for diagnosis. You will need this if you are to seek guardianship. Ask Sister who lived nearby who Mom's Doctor is and if Mom has POA for health care. If not, call doctor, tell him where she is, ask his recommend for testing and diagnosis.
One you get legalities worked out you will function for her in her stead by guardianship (almost certainly will be granted to her son). You will then need to decide whether Memory Care is the best option. She is very young. I sure don't recommend taking on the care of a woman who may outlive you. Good luck. Step at a time. Gather information, get diagnosis, see Elder Law Attorney re options.

How did the SIL handle the finances?   Were there joint accounts?   Direct deposit of any retirement funds?   Was she getting any other assistance?  What health care benefits did she have?

The SIL who called your husband should have provided him with this information, but since she didn't, that would in my opinion be a necessary, high priority call, as well as her providing copies of any documentation she has, especially medical history.

On that subject, is she taking any pills that she might have brought with her?   If so, research them online to see what they're for; that would at least give you an idea of what conditions she might have.

But she will have to see a doctor to get script refills.    Again, the issue of past medical history arises.  

While I can understand someone reaching a breaking point and not being able to think clearly on how to transfer care, the best starting point is in fact someone who's been caring for her before calling and rescinding whatever obligations she might have had. 

As to the dog, he may be just as disoriented and confused at the disruption in his life, but he does need care outside of your home.  If he's a standard breed dog, you might try to contact one of the breed specific rescues.  

Given MIL's level of confusion, she may react in unpredictable ways, including anger, when the dog is gone.   You might consider first a toy dog that she can cuddle, if the does that, to at least provide something for her to feel as if it's her own.    I don't write this to be cruel, but given the level of dementia, she might not realize it's not a real dog, but at least the friction caused by the existing animal would be abated.

And if she stays at your house, you might also want to ask friends with well behaved animals to visit so she can benefit from animal therapy.   I wouldn't get another dog just yet though. 

And in the meantime, start investigating, visiting and interviewing memory care facilities as it sounds as though she has some pretty severe dementia (unless there's a combination of meds that are causing this condition). 

I wish you luck; this sounds like a really challenging situation, which literally has been dumped in your lap w/o any necessary background information.

Suddenly you're called, out of the blue, to pick up the obviously shattered pieces of a life you know NOTHING about??? You need information from the SILs, first of all.

What does your sister in law have to say about all of this? What's wrong with MIL? What's been going on the past 10 years? Is she a drug user, an alcoholic? Is this dementia you're seeing? MIL is awfully young to be suffering THIS level of dementia!!! What's her health history been for the past 10 years? Where has she been living? Who's her doctor?

Then you need to get rid of the dog. Sorry, but this animal is just TOO dangerous to have inside of your home attacking people. Perhaps one of your sister in law's can house it; if not, the local shelter.

Depending on what your SIL has to say, I guess the next step would be a full medical evaluation of your MIL by a doctor and/or a neurologist to determine a diagnosis. Based on that dx, you'll have to decide if you want to house your MIL, or if she needs an Assisted Living or Memory Care environment to better function.

Then I'd make an appointment with an Elder Care attorney in your area to see how you can proceed with getting the necessary paperwork in order, depending on what MILs diagnosis is and if you want to house her.

A real mess, it sounds like. I'm so sorry you are faced with this stressful situation right now. I hope things work out for the best and that you're able to figure out what to do next.

GOOD LUCK!!!

First I would get rid of the dog. Then I would see an attorney and find out what you can do, such as guardianship.

Not knowing her financial situation I cannot comment on what to do in that area. Although, I would definitely see where she can be placed. Living with you will never work.