I know I have written about this issue before. I have a narcissistic sister who is extremely judgmental and critical and IMPOSSIBLE to please. Our 78 year old Mother was diagnosed with ALZ this past November. She has been successfully living in an ALF since January. My Sister and I seemed to be on the right track until recently when she has just stopped talking to me. She hasn't come out and said what the problem is... but I suspect that she feels I don't come out and visit my Mom enough. I'm not going to get into how often I come or get trapped into defending myself. All I will say is a truly feel I come out as much as I possibly can considering I have 3 young children. Here is my question... She knows that I am coming out to visit June 22nd AND the following weekend. Usually when I come to visit I bring my twins and I stay at her home. But now I am feeling awkward and unwelcome. Do I just act like everything is fine and stay with her OR just book a hotel room??
Serenity, that type of behavior is the calling card of an abusive personality. Sweet
as pie, charming as hell, creating verrry intimate relationship with target, and then
boom!!! the attack. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
While you literally can become ill with stress and worry and become isolated
from all the demands on your time and then from holing up and licking your wounds
after their gratuitous attacks.
I had the experience of seeing into mind of someone who behaves likes this. Someone
who abused me for years, got into a serious crisis and then decided to confide in me
I asked point blank what he was thinking when he attacked and got several different
reasons why. From what I've observed with other abusive types it seems like this mind
set is behind their bizarre and very cruel behavior.
In charming friendly mode:
1. out to love you up and gather info from you, so they can make plans, create gossip, or make the most painful barbs at later date
2. they've had a run of good luck and are in rare mood to share
3. they think you make them look great and will pull them up the social ladder
4. they are scheming something and they need you off guard and/or cooperative
5 they're bored and lonely and you'll do in a pinch
6. they need you to be of service, provide free labor
when they attack:
1. they perceive you attacking them and want to retaliate Even the most benign request
can set off this response
2. you've made them feel inferior or jealous and they want to reestablish their imagined superiority
3 they have a plan of action and destabilizing you and rendering you dysfunctional is
one step to gain control of situation
4 they no longer need you for their plans, or you are now of lower status due to
deliberately created (by them) exhaustion and isolation, either way you're useless and
in their way and they want you gone or otherwise out of the way until you're needed
to clean up a mess for them or serve them in some other kind of way. They want servant on demand with a silencer option.
5. They're bored, want to be entertained, and actually enjoy watching you suffer.
More fun with an audience.
Borderline/narcissistic personality disorders are somewhat less machiavellian in that they do not plan things out in advance, simply do them in the moment and are emotionally chaotic. But their knee jerk reactions, black and white thinking, and extreme self focus can have many similarities as the above more anti social personality disorder which is the joy I both grew up with one parent and then married into. :(
Bottom line there is never any resolution with these types, no matter how many
wonderful convos you have with them, you can be rendered a stranger in the blink
of the eye, and then you're at war. Over something often quite trivial
or worse or something that in normal circumstances would evoke empathy.
Keep a journal of incidences and be scrupulous about controlling your emotional
response. Watch how things play out and then ask yourself does anyone else
in my life behave like this and also what would happen if I behaved like this with
others?
I ended up thinking of it akin to an addiction. An addiction to superiority,
getting one's on way, an addiction to self image with resulting total self focus and paranoia that everyone else thinks the same way they do. It's actually a very sad condition even though outwardly they appear to "have it all". Trust me, they don't.
Protect yourself, manage your expectations. Given what you shared, I'd never stay at
her house again. Just for your own peace of mind and to protect your kids. And I'd
look towards creating family elsewhere. If you're like me, loyal and giving and easy
going, a sib like this can and will totally consume your life with her chaotic hurtful
behaviors and will leave you without real support and very isolated.
Sorry for the long post, I just hate to see someone stuck trying to create a bond where
it cannot take root. Doing this cost me dearly And then I began care taking my
narcissistic dad and I ended up losing even more. And largely because I hoped for
a real relationship. Extreme self focus, competitiveness, jealousy, lack of empathy
negate the ability to have anything more than superficial relationships.
Be there for your mom, be polite, superficial and opaque with your sis. Think
corporate style speak. friendly but essentially unemotional. do not reveal
yourself anymore to her. Talk about the weather, etc. If there are any real assets
your mom would like you to inherit, (depending on costs of her care, there often
is not) but if there is consider consulting an elder care attorney about how to
proceed to secure your interests.
What struck me speaking with former husband who was APD, how strategic much
of his behavior was. So beware of this potential in what your sis does.
Good luck . hang in there (((( hugs))))
I have spent HOURS on the phone really really trying to listen and understand her point of view. Trying to find a way to come to some mutual resolution regarding whatever slight she feels I have perpetrated. Its impossible... she will not even try to see things from my point of view. Her goal when we "talk" is to "win" the argument. I have never been able to figure out exactly what she wins.
Even more frustrating is she can be EXTREMELY charming! Calling me everyday and talking with me for hours. Which used to lull me into thinking we are getting close. Then BAM! I mean she is the only person in my life to ever call me, "Worthless, toxic, selfish and Lazy".
Additionally, she and my Mom NEVER had a close relationship. She and my Mom used to fight constantly. My Sister would rip into my Mom and my Mom would always call me crying, in tears. My Mom would tell me she loves my Sister but doesn't like her. Now that my Mom has ALZ my Sister acts like they have been close forever. My Sister is great in a crisis. But not so great for the long-haul.
Sadly I can't visit them at all and if I were to go visit, I certainly would stay somewhere else.
As others said see your mom, focus on her.
I doubt your sis wants resolution - she wants drama. I tried for years to have a decent relationship with mine, to no avail. She will still get really nasty when she wants to so I have backed off.
Go with the focus on your mother. I am glad you have had a good relationship with her. You were fortunate in that.
Good advice.....Toxic people love the silent treatment. It's a wonderfully passive aggressive way to upset someone while the instigator comes out smelling like a rose.
Ie-"I have no idea why she's so upset with me, look she just left this crazy message
wanting to talk. She's soooooo difficult." *Sob* *Poor me* *Weeps plaintively*
Call her, tell her your dates, but I'd think twice about discussing anything. I doubt she
wants to resolve anything. Rather this sounds like bait on the hook, fishing for you to react emotionally. Then she gets to reel in all that yummy delicious drama while you suffer needlessly. And look like a lazy goon in the process. Which I'm willing to bet is precisely what she wants, given your description of her past behavior.
Your priorities should be your own health and sanity, your children, your mom, your
nieces, then somewhere down the line start thinking about your sister. Offer to help
pick up the slack with dealing with logistics. Document your efforts by communicating
via email as much as possible. If there are assets in the family, sometimes sibs
start acting difficult to circle the wagons around the parents, which usually has
to do with controlling the assets. Even if there's not a lot. Hopefully that isn't an issue, but brace yourself if there's a possibility.
Good luck, hang in there!!! ((hugs))
Spend the buck and stay in a motel. Find one with a pool for the kids. If you really, really, really need to know what’s eating Sis THIS time, then sit down over coffee for a chat. I’d suggest, if you want to have a heart to heart with Sis, leave the kids at home so you’re not doing childcare while trying to talk to Sis at the same time.
You’re #1 reason for going is to visit Mom. Who knows. Maybe you should visit more often. Rearrange your life, leave the kids with Dad and pop in every other week. But chances are, if Sis has issues with you in general, that’s not going to make much difference. Remember you’re going to see Mom. This is the reason for your visit. Soothing Sis is secondary.
I have a SIL who never liked me. Her family came over my brothers. I don't know what I did but over a period of time my family was not invited to anything for my nieces. Yes, it upset me, but I too don't like confrontation. Can't change people. People use little things for an excuse. My FIL told me once about another SIL that she was jealous. I said " OF ME?" You will never figure sister out because...she probably doesn't know.
Maybe you never will be close and you won't solve the common problem if she chooses not to share it with her.
Send her a nice card like "Thinking of you" and say something like "Dear sis I am sorry you are choosing not to communicate with me but that is your choice. As you know the twins and I will be visiting Mom on these dates and the twins would really love to see you and the cousins. Is it possible to let byegones be bygones for some at least of the visit and may be let the kids get together one evening and we can all have a meal together. We will be staying at ABC motel and it has a lovely pool and a great game room"
As I am unsure of our reception at your house I felt it best to book a hotel rather than inconvenience you. We truly would like to see you and the kidsbut especially for all the kids could we just get together for a visit." tell he r you are missing your conversations and are very hurt she has chosen to block your number because that prevents the kids talking to each other.
Do not apologize and most importantly make excuses for anything you may/or have said or done.
My two sisters live on the East Coast, and I live in Cali. I try to make it up as best I can with more frequent phone calls to my dad, taking care of some administrative stuff by phone, and when I do visit I see him almost everyday. But I'm sure my sisters feel that I have it easy because of the distance and do resent it.
I would stay in a hotel or Airbnb, and email or send a gentle note to your sis to let her know that you would love to see her and your nieces/nephews. Keep it short and simple.
If it explains anything, I am no contact with my sister. I try not to think about it, because it ends up in rumination which as anyone will tell you is terribly bad for the karma and the blood pressure, but as a classic example (one I no longer find painful, though): on the weekend of her child's christening I woke up with the 'flu that my kids had brought home earlier in the week. Full blooded 'flu, too, not just a nasty cold. No way I was driving, let alone driving small children in the car, let alone spreading it round the rest of the congregation. So I rang my parents, so as not to interrupt her in the middle of organising everything, and asked them to take my present and apologies. Honestly, you'd have thought I'd planned this on purpose. She called me, didn't let me get past "hi", informed me that she would never invite me to anything again because I "always did this", and then hung up on me.
Once (there was only one!) = always. If you hear that from your critic, you know what you're dealing with.
Anyhooooooooo.
It is sad not to have the sort of sister you would like, or to be the sort of sister - if you could only somehow fathom what she wants - that your sister would want to be close to. I agree.
Meanwhile, though, there are still two important points (which I hope you will find more useful).
1. This is not your fault.
2. You have practical arrangements to make. You must not allow your sister's behaviour to make *your* life unnecessarily complicated or more stressful than it already is. If she won't pick up, then either leave a voicemail or send a text, brisk but cheerful, pointing out that you are visiting as agreed on [dates] and need to confirm arrangements, so call, please. Imagine she's a hotel receptionist and Do Not Worry about what her response will be. Chances are it'll be 'nothing's the matter, why do you think there would be' type; but if it's rude or offensive - yes, then you make your independent arrangements. But you *still* refuse to worry.
Hugs to you. Forgive me.
thanks again for your help.
PS.. to CountryMouse.. as i did mention in my post my Sister is not speaking to me. I have tried calling her as you so kindly suggested.. she isn't taking my calls.
I'm not sure what your experience is with Narcissists but in my experience I have found that if you disagree with them in the slightest they have an absolute melt-down. I am in the midst of losing my best friend, who was my Mom, and trying to walk the fine-line in dealing with my sister who I cannot be pleased.
Additionally, if you can't be more understanding and supportive I would prefer you not offer me anymore "support" on this thread.
Find out what the problem is and then take action.
She hasn't come out and said what the problem is. You suspect x, y and z.
And rather than talk to her about it, you are wondering if it would be a good plan to shun her house and her company and book a hotel room, instead.
You're not by any chance identical twins, are you?
PICK UP THE PHONE AND ASK HER WHAT'S EATING HER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. And if it is that you're not there often enough for her liking, spell out the only 24 hours in the day and only one of you thing.
And if she's still unhappy, let her be unhappy. Pleasing her, in itself, is just not something you need to do.