How do I enforce the no driving rule and the no guns rule?

My father has dementia and his doctor told him he could no longer drive.. I contacted the DMV and had them fax my dad's doctor a form to fill out... The form basiclly states he was no longer able / safe to drive.. The state then sent my dad a letter stating his liscense has been revoked and that he needed to come in and turn it in and have a photo ID made.... This makes the doctor the "bad guy" and not you...

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel embarrassed for calling the police for any reason. I'm sure they would rather have you call as a preventative measure instead of someone else reporting a tragic event with you as the victim. Until the police are called, they can't protect you. All events need to be documented by the authorities before they can act for your well being. He may need to be moved to a facility that cares for people with dementia. My mom wasn't physical yet, bet she was pretty vicious. A combination of Abilify and Zoloft have adjusted her behavior/mood pretty close to what it was prior to the onset. She is almost pleasant to be around. Please seek out professional counsel. We can give you ideas, but you need support locally. I am keeping you in my prayers.

Your safety is #1. As for the driving (I was a professional truckdriver so I do understand how hard it would be to give up driving) If after his Lisc is suspended- and if he gets the keys(my dad had a set we didn't know about) and goes driving call the police asap, that's what my Nephew(who is a PO) said to do- we did and they stopped Dad and drove him home- never did it again, but his anger lasted for months. His thinking was that "he knows his capabilities" better than anyone and he's the one who decides when to stop. It's everyone else's fault if there is an accident as they were on phone, or some other thing.I as a professional told him that driving is "a privledge and not a god given right). He also failed 2 driver evaluations in 2yrs(dr ordered) fought the state when they suspended his privledges and cost himself about $2000 in legal and testing fee's.
Why not call his sons and see if they can help with the guns-
Please be careful and stay safe.

Hello Scared, I am also concerned for your safety. When we reported my Mother to the DMV we blamed the doctor. Maybe not the most honest response but at least then my Moms anger was directed at the doctor and not her children who actually did the reporting. She forgets on a regular basis that she cannot drive so there are times when I hide the keys. It is heartbreaking but we need to protect society from elderly drivers. I do not know why this does not get more attention when I always see in the paper confused drivers going into buildings, running over people ect... We have to wait until 16 for drivers licenses, we should be retested at 70 for heavens sake. Scared - do the best you can and when it is time for you to leave for your safety or place him in a facility for his safety do so. Please continue to let us know how it is going. Many hugs and prayer to you.

Without knowing/seeing the situation it is difficult to respond accurately; however if ones abilities are so compromised a sit down with your local sherriff or police chief (if they are accessible) or a representative (that gives a damn) might come up with some solutions.
& When does the DL expire.
IS the driving a concern it might harm others, isthere a danger of not reacting or getting lost.
can the firarms be altered so as to be rendered harmless?

I don't know what the cream is called specifically, but we have patients on hospice who can get very agitated as a part of their dementia or when they're actively dying. They can't or won't take medication by mouth. There are a couple of different medications that come in cream form (in addition to pill form) used for the agitation /aggression. One medication is Ativan. The other one that is sometimes used is a combination of Ativan and Haldol in the cream. You might ask your doctor about this. Sorry I can't be anymore specific. I'm not a nurse or doctor. But this cream form of medication has been a lifesaver for many situations, so I wanted to at least mention it.

I agree with what many have said. You MUST be very cautious in the way you proceed with this. Remove yourself from the actual delivery of the news to your husband. A great suggestion, already made, is to have someone take the guns from your house while you are at the doctor's office (make sure they get every one). Then, simply tell your husband that the police took them. As for the driving, once again, DON'T BE THE MESSENGER. Have the doctor deliver the news and tell your husband that the doctor has reported the suspension of his license to the police. Your husband will likely pull out all the stops to manipulate and bully you, so you need to get in front of the situation with some pre-planned manipulation of your own. If you're going to continue to live with him, you have to protect yourself - not just from the possibility of violence, but your emotional well-being, too. Try not to engage in discussion or argument with him about it. There will be no logical reasoning anyway. Walk out of the room or even out of the house when he tries.

While we are dealing with other issues with my mother I spoke to my husband about your concerns as his is both an avid sporting gun enthusiast and really couldn't imagine not being able to drive his car/trucks/backhoe etc. His take on the matter is that both the car and the guns are basically a visual issue. If the car is still there but "for some reason" is not driveable (ignition/battery etc.) and similarly the bullets are not available or guns missing firing pins they are still there - he can see them - but they cannot harm you or anyone else. If you are not a mechanic or familiar with guns he would most likely believe that you are not capable of fixing either one. Just a thought which he said would not infuriate him should he be in the same position.

Driving-I had to have the doctor notify DMV that his license was suspended. He continued to drive so I had to impound the cars in his garage disabling them by removing the battery cables and placing locking clubs on them.
Guns- At the psycologists request I had the sheriff go to the house to get the guns out .
It is not fun yet necessary.

My dad went to the same doctor for 35 years. The minute he started telling him these things, things went sour. "He's gay! I think he wants to put a move on me!"..... Then he stopped going to him.
I hope this man is receptive to 'doctor's orders'

Many above have made some good suggestions. And it sounds like "Scared" you have your head in the right place...you won't put up with threats to your safety. Is there a possibility that the fact the info/orders are coming from the doctor will help calm his anger? I know there are many men out there, including my husband, that let what I say go in one ear and out the other, ignore what I say or get mad about it. But, if a friend or boss (male) says the same thing, he/they accept it. Does the Doctor know what you anticipate with your husband? I think the Doc could do a lot in calming the choppy waters. At least, it's a possibility. Good luck.

I'm sorry for your situation. I don't have an answer for you, but I had the same situation with my dad. Three totalled cars and one demolished garage later (yes really) the state sent him a letter that he had to retest. I told him to go on his own and retest. Never happened. I prayed and prayed that no one, including dad would get hurt and no one did. I thank God for that.
The gun issue. I snuck one gun to a gunsmith who disabled the firing mechanism even when loaded. I snuck it back into the house. "Dad, you only need one gun handy - here - I cleaned this and loaded it for you - it's ready to rock! How about we lock up those other ones for safe-keeping?" I locked them up and later secretly disposed of them.
I'm so sorry about this.....

Absolutely contact the women's domestic abuse shelter. They will most likely be very helpful in advising a plan of safety and/or escape and give you parameters to think in, so that you have concrete direction. You clearly love your husband and want to be supportive of him, but one of those ways is by being healthy and available for the long-term journey he is on. Keeping yourself safe and protected is a form of loving him. Praying for you and the wisdom and strength you need today.

Thank you for your suggestion about the woman's shelter. This might be a viable choice. Thank you all for your concern about my safety. I couldn't do anything yesterday because I am so worried; I couldn't sleep last night because I am so worried. I have to try to find a way to cope. I know you all understand how hard this is. Thank you for caring.

jfryhospice is right about dementia often reducing the normal filters we expect of adults, and that is why we are so worried about your physical safety. Not only is someone with dementia likely to say awful things, but they can also do awful things, and they very often are not aware of their own strength. The lack of ability to link actions to consequences is a fearful factor here, too.

You say that if the abuse crosses into physical you will take action. My huge concern is that the very first time could be too late.

I know this is just repeating what we have all been saying. I am just very concerned about you. Please keep in touch and let us know how this is working out.

My suggestion is to go to the woman's shelter place and ask their advice. Maybe they could shelter you during this difficult time and give you advice as to what to do next. But you must take care of yourself and society (the driving). I would even go to the police and ask their advice esp about the car and about the potential physical harm. If you don't have friends then the woman's shelter could be a good source for you.

Interesting...never heard of an anti-anxiety cream. I have tried to make it clear to the doctor, neuro-psychologist and the OT-ist that my husband get very agitated and that I am very concerned about what is going to happen when they tell him he can't have the things he values so much. I think the OT-ist senses it because he gave her something of a hard time when she tried to talk to him about it before. I am hoping the team meets before his appointment so the doctor will know the latest.

I agree that it might be helpful to see if your husband's doctor can prescribe any medication to help calm your husband. The anger, agitation, irritabilty, and NO filter on what they say is not unusual when someone has dementia, The part of the brain that provides a social filter is one part that is destroyed as part of the disease progression. If he refuses meds in pill form....try crushing them and concealing them in foods or drink....or sometimes you can get some anti-anxiety medications in a cream form that you just rub on the person's inner arms, legs and/or back. Make sure YOU wear surgical gloves, however, when applying it or you'll get the medication effects, too!

Thank you all for your comments, reassurance, concern and prayers. There is no telling what to expect, but if he does get physically abusive, I am out of here in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, I have no one who can help me do anything....there is no family anywhere near here, and his sons wouldn't help even if they were. They don't even call their Dad although I have told them what is going on. We don't have any real friends here, either, just some acquaintances who are all old. I fear I am going to have to rely on the police which is very, very embarrassing and just makes me feel like I'm in some alternate reality. I know my safety is important, and I have no intentions of taking any physical abuse should it come to that, but he has a very sharp tongue and has become very nasty as a result of this disease. Again, thank you. Hugs to all.

Hugs and hugs to you - this is truly so difficult and scary. But, you have to protect yourself - you have been given very helpful advice in above posts. Taking away driving is one of the most difficult losses for a person - and when they have alz/dementia; they truly don't understand.

And the guns have to go. Is your husband on any kind of medication for agitation, etc.? Maybe talk to his doctor about this. We had extreme difficulty taking away my MIL car before she came to live with us. The verbal abuse, constant anger, etc. The doctor put it in writing to her and called her several times to reiterate. Also we asked him to notify the DMV and he agreed and did so. We disabled her car, took keys away - finally with help from neighbors, we succeeded, but hardest thing to accomplish. I consulted with the local elder affairs office and they said that if need be, a police office could be sent to the home to tell her about the driving. The counselor said they had to use this method many times.

Might be a good idea to call the local elder services in your town and ask them for advice - they deal with these things all the time. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.....blessings and take care.

While you are at the appointment when the doctor is going to tell him the rules, can you arrange to have someone remove the guns at that time? So when you come back they are gone?

I also like the idea of asking the police to remove them, if they can do that.

But here is my fundamental concern. You are afraid that he may harm you. You know you will get verbal abuse, but you are also worried about what he will do when no one is around to defend you. Caregivers put up with a lot, but should not risk their safety.

Once he even told you to leave if you wouldn't give the guns back. Well, it may come down to someone leaving. It may be that he is beyond the point where you can care for him alone in your home. Tell his doctor your fears -- all of them -- before this appointment.

We do a lot for love, and also in obligation. We should not have to put our safety and our lives at risk. That is going too far. You can love him in an appropriate long-term care facility.

These are probably two of the most difficult issues someone who's caregiving has to handle! Is there anyone else, family member, friend, adult children, a sibling, that your husband might be more likely to listen to about these two issues? Sometimes if it comes from someone outside the home....AND someone else takes the actual ACTION of removing guns and getting rid of a car....the "blame" can be shifted away from you. It could allow you to appear to "align" with your husband. "I'm sorry "husband". I know you're upset about this. I would be to when I really liked/valued something and all of a sudden I could no longer have it. But the doctor said...and so-and-so took them/it away. I know this is really hard on you and I can see how it would make you angry." It may be that the police could come in and remove the weapons at your request without your husband knowing you made the request????

Scared, you poor thing having to tell your husband he must give up two things he really loves. I'm sure it'll make him angry to hear these things but you have no choice because of the danger. The verbal assaults are going to come, for sure. Do you anticipate physical assaults as well? You may have to be prepared to call the police, as sad as it seems. My ex husband had a severe diabetic low and threatened me with bodily harm, he was a large man, I'm a small woman, so I went upstairs and called the police. They had to take him to the hospital for observation. It was scary and sad. I know you don't want it to come to that but realistically, it'll probably happen. Just be emotionally prepared.
Now about the guns, another subject your husband is not going to like or understand. Let me tell you about an event in my family. My relative had mental illness. His docs told his wife to remove all guns. She boo-hooed, dragged her feet, wrung her hands and never did it. An argument occurred and the worst of tragedies happened. She now visits two graves. Please don't let this happen to you. Can the doctor help you find a way to break the news to your husband? Do you have a supportive person who could be with you so you don't have to do it alone? I'm worried for you. Please, please take care. I'm saying a prayer for you.