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Mom seems to be at the beginning of her transition this morning....she has stopped accepting food and water and has noticeably declined from yesterday...still somewhat alert but quite confused. Hospice nurse took vitals and heartbeat is slowing but still fairly strong...her skin is cooler than yesterday... We did not have the discussion because mom still voices hope she will get better..but also told me she is fighting for my sake.....Told her my late dad is very proud of her , misses her and to not be afraid, which seemed to bring some comfort. ...and that it is ok to stop fighting so hard because she did a good job with me and I have a good life. She then asked for a nap, so I , as always, told her I loved her, and left and will be back tomorrow...and then collapsed into a puddle of tears in my car. No way of knowing how long this stage will last...only praying that she will not have to linger. Our pastor was here this morning to give her communion which was comforting to both of us. I feel so blessed that we were able to apologize for our past hurts to each other and that I will have these past few months and our new beginning to carry in my heart after she is gone...for all of you who have difficult relationships ...there is a always a chance before it is too late to make things right ..I am living it , if you have followed my journey on here , with all my challenges with mom and her MH issues ...Which have finally been addressed and brought us both peace. Sending love and encouragement to all of you....

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Bless you both during such a hard time. I still feel both honored and saddened to have walked with my dad through his final weeks and hours. Your mother is blessed to have you and I wish you both peace
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(((((((hugs)))))
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@tygrlly1
You can have Hospice order the hospital bed with NO mattress.
Place the mattress you have that mom likes on the hospital bed.
The Staff can raise and lower it so it is safe for them for "body mechanics"
the head and foot can be raised and lowered so you mom can get comfortable and it aids in repositioning.
Generally the hospital bed is a Twin XL but sometimes a wider bed can be ordered that would be like a Double.
It is worth asking for.
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tygrlly1 May 2023
Wow. Thank you. I didn’t know you could do that. I’ll check it out. Thanks! I feel like wack-a-mole sometimes with all the new issues everyday!
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Mom has now lost physical strength to transfer and is requiring two person assist with a standing lift. Needless to say, she is very depressed when they brought it in her room today. When she moved in to AL , the facility asked me to get a lower mattress and bed..which I did..it is a brand new full size nice gel mattress which she loves for her arthritis. That was literally only 5 weeks ago at a cost of 900.00. Now they want a hospital bed so it is easier for staff to transfer her. Hospice nurse is on board with me that they should try lift first ..and that hospital bed will be hard on her arthritis, which is all over her body. Am I being unreasonable ? Mom loves her bed and is one of the few things that brings her happiness and comfort. The standing lift worked well to get her from her wheelchair to her TV chair , so I feel they should at least try to use it for in and out of bed before I take that away from her. If she wasnt terminally ill, she would not be in that AL.....not been a very positive experience so far. Hospice is now totally engaged so I am happy with their care and involvement.
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Countrymouse May 2023
When you say "easier" to lift her - unless the bed the mattress sits on is fully adjustable, it's more a question of possible. Supporting a person to sit to stand with a hoist means you have to get level with her, and on a low bed that's extremely difficult. If the staff are having to bend or kneel, for that or for personal care, they may be forced to refuse.

Profiling beds (hospital beds) come in a range of sizes. See if they can find one that will work with her mattress - or maybe hire a profiling bed with a similar mattress to the one she likes, because again there are lots of different types. Ask an OT for recommendations, the hospice should have one.
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Tygrilly,

Your mother is fortunate to have a daughter who is so lovely.
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Yes, and it can feel so wrong that the world is just continuing on its way, such an aloneness to the surreality.

I'm glad your found a beautiful dress in her favorite color.
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We played my mom's favorite opera arias and popular music from her teen and young adult years on my SIL's IPad. It seemed to calm her.
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I'm glad she is in a place she calls home. If your mom's hospice offers it, my mom had a trio of singers come to sing for her. She wasn't religious, so they sang songs that would comfort her. They sing to the person, not themselves. It was beautiful. If your hospice doesn't have volunteers for that, perhaps some other kind of music. I'm all for comfort. Take care of yourself. Peace to you.
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tygrlly1 May 2023
Yes....I believe in the power of music....I found some cds of the 50s, nature sounds and religious hymns I will take with me today. This all seems so surreal... my friends who have gone through this have confirmed everything that I am feeling and going through is part pf this heart wrenching process. It is a bright sunny beautiful day today....but sure doesnt match how Im feeling. Mom , in one of her OCD episodes before her subsequent fall and decline , got rid of all her nicer clothes, including the dress she always told me she wanted to wear someday for her funeral....and was consistently wearing only the same 2 turtle neck tops...despite many new gifts I found unopened in her drawers .... I found a beauiful dress online in her favorite color like the one she discarded and ordered it....happy that I found it for her, yet so sad that I had to and that she couldnt pick it out with me.....but she deserves to look as beautiful as I remember her , in her healthier and happier days.
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When both of my inlaws were near the end, they took comfort in their favorite music playing. FIL softly sang along to some of his songs.
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Midkid58 May 2023
My daddy used to ask me to sing to him. Esp during his Hospice Time. He couldn't eat or drink and so caring for him was hard. Singing to him was the only gift I could give him.
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Sending kind & warm thoughts to you now.

So glad you have this opportunity for communication & this honesty. Many tell of this stage being so hard yet also a gift.
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a month ago, i was where u now are, except it was my daddy.

Sending u virtual ((hugs)).

it is so difficult!
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tygrlly1 May 2023
Yes it sure is. The nighttime is the hardest. Wondering when the call will come, if she is afraid, …she sends me home, I suspect, to spare me seeing her struggle to stay awake when she just wants to sleep..but then I feel like I’m. abandoning her She is in AL with hospice only now beginning to ramp up …the AL staff are hit and miss, but it is the same senior community she has called home for 7 years, which she moved to after my dad died. Another night of no sleep for me, despite knowing I have done all that I can to let her know how much I love her..and she tells me over and over how much she loves me for being with her ..but wondering if I ever will truly believe that ….
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It’s hard to see our family members facing the inevitable.

We feel for them and ourselves. Sometimes, we feel selfish for not wanting to let them go. Then, we realize that we don’t want them to linger for a long time.

It’s wonderful that you were able to find healing in your relationship. I’m very happy for you and your mom.

My mom was comforted by receiving communion also. I’m glad that your pastor visited her and brought communion to her.

I’m sure that she found comfort hearing you speak about your father.

It’s perfectly natural to cry during these times. You are starting the grieving process because the end is near.

Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
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Love and peace to you and your mom.
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(((Hugs))) and good thoughts to you both.
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(((((( Hugs )))))). Peace.
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🥹
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