How can I encourage my other siblings to help support the main caregiver of the family?

In my experience, there are only two, myself and my sister. I am 61, working, and live on the east coast. She is 71, an RN (still working) who lives in the western US. My mother has lived with me for 20 years since our dad died (1989). It was expected that I would do the caring, since Mom lived with me. After her stroke in 2004, I gave up my job and cared for her at home for almost six years. Without additional help, I broke down (physically) and finally had to place my mother in a nursing home where she has been the last two years. I visit every day (sometimes twice a day) to check on her and make sure she is AOK. My sibling has not been to see my mother since 2004 and I doubt if she will come any time soon. I am extremely disappointed in the response of my entire family--sister and her kids-- because their grandmother has done so much for them in the past-- it seems like they could do better by her in my estimation. I am sorry if I'm not offering you any solutions-- but yes, from my experience, this is a common problem. A mother can care for 5 children. 5 Children can't seem to care for one mother!

From what I've read on this website, it's usually just one person that steps up and ends up doing the lions share of the work. My questions would be, why does your husband's sister think she HAS to do so much now that her mom is in a nursing home? Like you said, the load is easier now with her being there, so why kill herself off doing what she did before the mom went there? That doesn't mean the mom is supposed to be forgotten, but let's face it, there shouldn't be as much of a need as there used to be. Maybe the sister is bringing this on herself without realizing it? That doesn't excuse the other siblings for being neglectful, I'm just saying.....

Short answer - YES, very, very common. The ones doing less feel guilty and even the occasional visit reminds them of it. It is emotionally hard to care for someone who is going downhill and emotionally easy to tell yourself that the other sibling is taking care of everything and you are not needed. But yes, this happens all the time and is a very common source of frustration around here.

Occasionally if there is enough goodwill to go around, a schedule of visits or tasks may be set up by a family that can talk things out and agree on it. Sometimes those who live far away can be persuaded to help financially at least. Don't try to do what you know you cannot do, but if you do whatever you realistically can to help, it wil be a blessing to at least you, mom, and sister regardless of what the others choose to do.

You can bet that it is common. I once was hired into a job (wholesale showroom) that had 3 people operating it, when I hired on it was down to two, about a year after I was hired the manager and the boss had a falling out and he left (boss was a prick...). Boss asked me how long I could manage it myself, as it was the slow season I said until about January. Long and short of it was that 7 years later I was still working alone, never able to take vacations or even be ill one day once in a while (born a sucker, I guess...), and selling just as much as when there were two of us. Moral - as long as you can do the job, there are those who will let you. I have no siblings, just 3 nieces and a sister-in-law who care more about their hair and makeup than they do about even visiting grandma, yet the few times we see or hear from them they always end the conversation with "I love you grandma!" Yea, right. When mom does finally go, they will all get big, fat fleas in their ears.

Please be very careful with family involvement as many underlying issues could surface as my siblings did. My brother has accused me of stealing money from mom's account and that I need to account for every penny. His anger was so severe that I completely broke down. I have had mom with my husband and I for 4 months now 24/7, but my brother and sister won't take here for a weekend because they are too busy but not too busy to criticize me and the handling of her health and care. Sometimes I wish I was an only child, it would be easier. He is not welcome in my home anymore and if he wishes to see mom, he will have to call and make an appointment. So please be careful with how you handle your siblings. Love Vickie

I am grateful for your responses. It helps me.

I don't get it though? Why did we not turn our backs? What is the difference between us and our siblings? I don't understand. I'm just a normal -- (of course on those bad days that is even up for debate) every day person. Some of you said...you can't make them help...I agree. I've asked...a few different ways...and I'm done. It is too hard on me being angry with them. It sometimes still creeps up but I quickly put it in it's place. They have come through a couple times during an emergency. I'm grateful for that.

God definitely knew the folks that would be best for the job...if you wonder who. Go look in the mirror. God Bless all of you.

That's such a good way of puttin it! Is a mother can take care of multiple kids, then why can't multiple kids take care of one mother!

yes very often it happens. i am one of 5 girls. I took most of the caregiving of my mom for several years. had help from the rest only once in a while. I was a nut case by the time we put her in a home not far from my home at 92 years old. (I still went to spend time with her more than the others) but.......now that she has gone to her eternal Home, at 97 years old, I don't regret it, as I have a lot of respect for myself. yes it was hard but "I" am being helped with my life by my 2 kids because they saw me going out of my way and sometimes my everyday life to help my mom and they show me so much love. and....I know God knows what I went through and I feel I have a star in my crown for loving my mom through it all. keep looking to God, He will see you through it. There were times I could not have kept going without Him.
God bless you

If someone finds the miracle answer let me know? I do know that pleading, crying, and fighting gets no where but just pushes them away further. Its tough being the one caregiver to a parent. But I feel that maybe for me its better, cause I don't have to worry about if she is being fed, bathed, changed etc... Cause I do it all!! I know that mom is being well taken care of the best I can do.

Sorry to tell you, but you will never get the others to help unless they want to. You need to focus solely on yourself and your own family and decide how much you can do. Then you have to gt over the guilt of not doing more. Period. I have two siblings who not only do not participate in caring for Mom and Dad, but outwardly said, "If I don't have access to their money, I can be of no use to you," The other said, "Not going to happen." So it has taken almost a year for me to realize that I can only manage my own emotions and relationship with my parents. And I can only do so much. So if my parents are lonely because no one visits them or forms are not filled out on time, I can't beat myself up. I can only do what I can do. And you should think about that too.
Best of luck. We all know it's hard. It just is.