Is it useless to try to encourage my mother to participate in life?

I dealt with this with my mother, and am now, on a certain level, dealing with it with my husband. I've learned that a major life change, especially in the elderly, can cause profound and deep depression. Mom is gone now, but when alive, she dealt with macular degeneration so could no longer read or watch television. And hobbies she had, like your mom, involved crafting or even paint-by-number. When she was moved to a facility, she was in the middle days of what dementia, or as it's called, "the long goodbye". Speak with her physician to see if her medication may need to be adjusted, perhaps an anti-depressant added. If she is a woman of faith,perhaps the pastor at her church could visit. In my mom's case, she was not happy unless she was unhappy, so the facility and I just decided to let her "enjoy" her misery after a while. Do what you can for her, but not to the extent that you make your OWN life miserable.

I was a caregiver in an Assisted living for about 5 years. It takes time to adjust for the residents. I am so thankful that you love and care for her enough to visit and handle her affairs. The Caregiver's and people that work in a faculty do try to get people involved in activities. Some people just don't want to do anything whether it's depression or not I don't know. If she can't be alone assisted living is the next best place. Give it time. Everyone needs time to adjust. God is the one who knows our first day and our last. May you all experience the peace that only comes from God.

My mother gave up on participating in life long before I transitioned her to a personal care home. She was still able to drive and do a lot of things, but she just would not do it. I signed her up for the senior center - she went one time and then refused to go back. I signed her up for therapy - she went one time and refused to go back. I tried to get her to go shopping - she would say she would and then wouldn't do it. Finally, I had to hire a caregiver to come in once a week because I just couldn't handle doing the chores she just refused to do for herself anymore. I've asked myself a million times, why? After I put her in the personal care home, she is the same way. She will not participate in any of the activities. She just wants to sleep. She is only 75, but she has been like this for years. It's a combination of severe depression and the cocktail of meds and pain killers she has been taking for years. I have had to reside to the fact all I can do is go see her as often as I can, bring her snacks and clean up around her. I offer to take her out, but the only time she is interested in going out is to her pain clinic appointment. You see, my mother was caught in that generation where Lortab and such was handed out by doctors like it was candy. It's just caught up with her mentally and physically. All I can do is love her now and try to keep her cared for the best I can. It cost me alot of money out of pocket and I am sure this will go on for years, but she is my mother and I love her. The Bible says to honor your father and mother, it doesn't say "and, OBTW it's going to be easy."

aferrino, this is such a tough time, bless you. Soon you will be done closing out the house and can settle down, and she will have had more time to settle in where she is. You are not making this situation so; you are going along with reality and doing your best for her. I echo some of the other great ideas here (don't have the patience to read the long answer): treat yourself to a little counseling or something else exclusively for you to express your feelings - are you artistic, too? Be patient while she psychs out her new place... what a big change that is for her. She feels out of control right now, and that is depressing! I personally wouldn't throw meds at it yet, if it set in just when she moved there. Sadness is appropriate sometimes, for a while. There's sentiment attached to her things, but you'll be keeping a few that really matter, and maybe she can have some more of them in her apt., too. Love is what matters, find every way you can to keep that foremost in your mind. You're busy being an angel, doing the things that someone can't do for themselves - that is how they walk among us!

My Mom loved doing crosswords and reading was her absolute passion. We used to watch hockey together for years. She would come over to my place or I hers, we'd order a pizza and really get into the games. Then one day she asked me what I thought at the time was the most ridiculous question. Sometimes when they are analyzing hockey games the commentators would animatedly put a circle around a player to emphasize just him in their commentary. My Mom said "how does the player stay in that circle when they are skating?" I realized at that moment that my Mom was definitely suffering from some sort of decreased cognitive ability.

Reading and doing crosswords eventually became out of the question. I love to read too but just think about it for a second. If you pick up your book and cannot remember what you read yesterday............well, it would be hard to enjoy a book after that.

I think what you need to do is as others have suggested is try to get a feel of what your mom is thinking about on a daily basis and then adjust your conversations to fit her new view of life. Sort of like when you speak to a toddler and you get into their world.

If she is depressed and she might very well be its probably cause she still has enough cognitive functions to know that she isn't where she wants to be and may not remember clearly where she was so everything is skewed in her world. Imagine, lets say that you suddenly found yourself standing on a train platform and you can't remember how you got there or where you came from. I know the greatest thing that could happen to me at that moment would be someone I recognize taking me by the hand and saying don't worry, I'll show you where to go and how to get there.

So, take a few minutes every time you go see her to ask her what she's been thinking about and take it from there.

Good luck and keep us informed on how it is going.

First of all, it's not useless. You have to keep trying even if you don't see the results you want. I encouraged my mother to take up art which she had been good at. For over a year she showed no interest then one day she started and now she is busy at drawing which is giving her something to do. The nurses also tell me that gradually she has started to communicate with other residents. Don't give up hope. It may get better but be realistic about your expectations. Put yourself in your mother's shoes. She is very old. The mind and body don't respond as they used to. Living in a nursing home is not something many people look forward to but there is often no other good solution. As for dealing with liquidating possessions, I completely agree that it is depressing. I have had to do it and it is painful. I kept as much as I could and stored what I could but many things had to be given away. As I was doing this I saw someone else emptying a neighbor's large home. They were taking out all sorts of things that their relative left behind and I couldn't help thinking that every item had a story. This is going to happen to us one day so we really need to think about how we treat others, how we react to our own aging relatives while they are alive. I find the hardest thing to bear is a lack of kindness and generosity. When my mother asked for a Christmas gift that cost about $60 her daughter said it was too expensive, then the next week went on a two week cruise.

This, for me, is the best question I have ever seen on here. I went to see my 92 yr old mother a few weeks ago, stayed for 3 days and was so unhappy. Everything about the question resonates with me. I have asked for advice from members of the family on how to make my mother feel less isolated, but none was forthcoming. I am going to try and put into action some of the very helpful answers put on here to the question. I took my mum out a lot, but it didn't seem to help. I felt angry, distressed, and unable to cope but powerless to help somehow at the time.

IF she is not actually depressed (let's say she enjoys some things that are easier to do, looks forward to meals and visits, etc.) then honestly she may have "lost interest" simply because those things have gotten too hard for her. Lord, I know how sad that is....when my mom did not like Bingo or looking at pictures any more, it broke my heart. They kept activities simpler, like just listening to music or having a little show, or getting nails done and my mom who had not been doing that for herself for years actually liked that. The directors at her assisted living and skilled nursing said she usually just liked to sit and be a people watcher.

I would say too, talk to staff who seem knowledgeable and compassionate enough and ASK if she might be depressed, and if that answer is no, then ask if she would ever be able to go home, or even simpler questions like would she be able to do larger print simpler crosswords again. I really needed people to say those things to me - even that she could not be expected to sequence the steps to putting in her own hearing aid, or manage car transfers again so we fixed up a wheelchair setup in a vehicle we owned.

Many people who used to read and do crossword puzzles lose interest when it becomes harder to see. I see your mother is 91 years old, so these things could be hard for her now. Ask her about her eyes and you may find that it is the reason.

Did she used to like TV and movies? Maybe it is a bit of depression setting in after moving from her home to the AL facility. Depression and feeling disoriented are common when there are big changes. It would be wonderful if you could find a way to get her interested in her new life. That would take a lot of the burden off of you in trying to keep her entertained. Maybe the people at the AL will have some ideas how you could help integrate her into the community.

I agree she may have clinical depression. It is very often undiagnosed.

Has your mom been evaluated for depression? I might explore medication for that with her doctor. It could improve her mood. I've seen a lot of people get much better with meds.

Sorry I got cut off.

Don't marinate in despair because it will affect your ability to make a difference if you stay there too long in sadness. Acknowledge it - cry - and then get back in there and show Mum you are there for her and won't leave her in the last leg of her journey.

If you can go to therapy I strongly advocate for it! It will help smooth out the bumps in between. The pain. Ask for a different perspective to help change the way you experience pain in this transition as per Mum. Maybe finding paint and paper is a start - a start of excitement and new memories rather than a sea of surrender to sadness. It is possible. Anything is.

The hardest part about all of this is wondering where Mum went, aye? I catch glimpses of Mum but it is deteriorating. She is becoming a new person. Someone I have not met completely. Maybe part of this is akin to adolescence and the changes we go through as we transition into adulthood. In other words, it is a transition into a new phase of life. We may not like what we see - but it is part of our journey. It is reverse aging - which reverses roles and perhaps gives us pause as we have front row seats to our own mortality. Where Mum was the leader, we find a bit of fear in the role reversal. Who will be our Mum now, right? I think we have to become a Mum to both our Mothers and ourselves. Remind yourself it is all going to be okay. She will be okay. It is a journey not a race to close the book. May as well embrace what is possible until we trip the final line. Who knows what lays beyond? Exploring spirituality may help. Did you and she ever say prayers? What about praying or singing religious songs? If so, it may offer a huge comfort to you both.

My point is this - nothing worthwhile is a waste of time nor is it pointless when it comes from a loving, genuine belief that hope is always possible...that the journey (even the unpleasant times) can provide tremendous growth in people. There may come a moment or moments of clarity for her that will make you LOL and worth every amount of effort. Isn't it well worth that hope? That possibility?

Animals - oh boy. Animals can connect in ways we cannot through humans because they offer a sense that is calming and accepting. No words are needed. Can you bring in a therapy pet for the elderly? Check out canine companions organizations or contact the American Kennel Club and ask for a referral through many of their resources. Will her care facility permit this? There are laws protecting seniors rights to have a pet but each facility will vary. Some may even have them on site. Ask if you can bring in a pet for her to brush. It can and often does bring the light back into their eyes! Once they were Mums and being in a position to hug, hold, or groom a pet may rekindle the one job they did most of their life: caretaking!

Transitioning to assisted living can result in a detached group of behaviors in the elderly. It is a conundrum because many land in ACL from an increased need in memory care. Their surroundings that are alight with activity can overstimulate their hampered senses and where familiarity once was, is no longer the case.

Sudden changes in mood and interest can result from more than just old age. Depression is a common issue for elderly and they may not be aware of it due to altered memory changes, the change in environment (a huge factor) and the long associated stigma with mental health issues. Negotiating the emotions we identify as commonplace are not so easy and logical in an elderly mind - esp one that has been mitigated with memory.

Is it a waster of time? Nothing is a waste of tie. The approach may need to be altered if it is not working. Think of it as an opportunity rather than an obligation that one is tempted to presume it is a waste of time. Because when we understand the needs of the elderly and their mind loss, it is essential your approach is unique and creative and one that is tailored per person. The fact that she lights up with G Kids is a sign all is not lost. They are familiar to her. Her current environment is not. 2 mos is hardly a long time. Excess and/ or new stimulation can cause the elderly more confusion. Trusting new people to care for her must be hard for her. Can you imagine? If your mind is not what it was and everything is not as you recall (even muscle memory counts here - such as knowing where her bathroom was in her former home - where the kitchen was), trusting a stranger (no matter how pleasant or well meaning) does not compute. I repreat. DOES NOT COMPUTE. Maybe the gkids can segue the bridge in connecting her to her caretakers by participating in activities involving all.

This is your mom. I encourage you to speak to her in private and very close to her face where she sees ou and filters out the extraneous goings on. Ask her how she feels. Tell her what you see. Involve her in her care by asking her what she thinks might help.

Can you bring in photos and have the gkids and staff to make a memory book? Often videos and memories from photos will access those areas of long term. Short term is the hardest. That is why she may be having trouble.

Keep remembering to look at life through her eyes. Ask her to tell you what it looks like. Don't be afraid to ask her. It's okay and it may be a relief to her.

It also might be her medications. Have someone check in with her physician and make sure you let her Dr know what you are observing.

I would not presume you and she cannot find happiness again. If you think from the perspective that it might be a waste of time, ask yourself if that is really fair. Is it fair to give up trying Then you will never know. If you try, then there is a chance. If your child was experiencing a life altering situation and asked you if it was pointless to try, would you tell them yes based on their situation? Or would you continue to seek hope through the gift that love provides in offering them hope and seeking several approaches? It is no different for the elderly.

The fear you hold is not uncommon. Watching the elderly change is hard. It is transitional and hard on her and you. But I think it is more hard on the elderly. From that shelf, ask if you would want your children to try and reach you if he situation were reversed. Would you hope that someone would be able to reach in and find you again to bring you back out into the light? What if you had difficulty expressing it due to a physical impediment in the mind or body? Hearing is the last sense we lose with age (among the hearing). Speaking to her and talking to her as though she were part of life may be helping her and she is unable to respond in the way you are used to. It is a new normal.

I think the journey does not have to be sad. If you have decided the conclusion is she will never be happy again, you may be wrong. But you won't know unless you try. And what you think she feels may not be so in her mind. She is separate from you. It helps to put what you feel in your own claim bin and accept that she has her own feelings despite what it may appear to be. In the event you are right about your observations after a discovery process, then there is no harm in holding out hope and bringing the party to her in a way that honors her at her own pace...not yours.

Bring her paintbrushes. Bring her fingerpaint. Put a brush in her hand and ask her to help paint the sky with you. You will have her prints, and possibly your mom if you at least try. Bring her favorite music in and play it while you paint with her. Don't worry about the mess. Sing to her and ask her to hum or rock or sing with you if she can. Lie in bed with her - and tell her to close her eyes and sing songs you both remember - Happy Birthday is the one probably committed to long term memory for her and easily accessible.

Cleaning out the house is the saddest and toughest part. We got our cousins to help us carry stuff to a dumpster. Each was allowed a memento- a painting or their favorite piece of furniture or china. There were no arguments and it was nice to see things stay in the family. Call in the cousins.