Is it useless to try to encourage my mother to participate in life?

Cleaning out the house is the saddest and toughest part. We got our cousins to help us carry stuff to a dumpster. Each was allowed a memento- a painting or their favorite piece of furniture or china. There were no arguments and it was nice to see things stay in the family. Call in the cousins.

Transitioning to assisted living can result in a detached group of behaviors in the elderly. It is a conundrum because many land in ACL from an increased need in memory care. Their surroundings that are alight with activity can overstimulate their hampered senses and where familiarity once was, is no longer the case.

Sudden changes in mood and interest can result from more than just old age. Depression is a common issue for elderly and they may not be aware of it due to altered memory changes, the change in environment (a huge factor) and the long associated stigma with mental health issues. Negotiating the emotions we identify as commonplace are not so easy and logical in an elderly mind - esp one that has been mitigated with memory.

Is it a waster of time? Nothing is a waste of tie. The approach may need to be altered if it is not working. Think of it as an opportunity rather than an obligation that one is tempted to presume it is a waste of time. Because when we understand the needs of the elderly and their mind loss, it is essential your approach is unique and creative and one that is tailored per person. The fact that she lights up with G Kids is a sign all is not lost. They are familiar to her. Her current environment is not. 2 mos is hardly a long time. Excess and/ or new stimulation can cause the elderly more confusion. Trusting new people to care for her must be hard for her. Can you imagine? If your mind is not what it was and everything is not as you recall (even muscle memory counts here - such as knowing where her bathroom was in her former home - where the kitchen was), trusting a stranger (no matter how pleasant or well meaning) does not compute. I repreat. DOES NOT COMPUTE. Maybe the gkids can segue the bridge in connecting her to her caretakers by participating in activities involving all.

This is your mom. I encourage you to speak to her in private and very close to her face where she sees ou and filters out the extraneous goings on. Ask her how she feels. Tell her what you see. Involve her in her care by asking her what she thinks might help.

Can you bring in photos and have the gkids and staff to make a memory book? Often videos and memories from photos will access those areas of long term. Short term is the hardest. That is why she may be having trouble.

Keep remembering to look at life through her eyes. Ask her to tell you what it looks like. Don't be afraid to ask her. It's okay and it may be a relief to her.

It also might be her medications. Have someone check in with her physician and make sure you let her Dr know what you are observing.

I would not presume you and she cannot find happiness again. If you think from the perspective that it might be a waste of time, ask yourself if that is really fair. Is it fair to give up trying Then you will never know. If you try, then there is a chance. If your child was experiencing a life altering situation and asked you if it was pointless to try, would you tell them yes based on their situation? Or would you continue to seek hope through the gift that love provides in offering them hope and seeking several approaches? It is no different for the elderly.

The fear you hold is not uncommon. Watching the elderly change is hard. It is transitional and hard on her and you. But I think it is more hard on the elderly. From that shelf, ask if you would want your children to try and reach you if he situation were reversed. Would you hope that someone would be able to reach in and find you again to bring you back out into the light? What if you had difficulty expressing it due to a physical impediment in the mind or body? Hearing is the last sense we lose with age (among the hearing). Speaking to her and talking to her as though she were part of life may be helping her and she is unable to respond in the way you are used to. It is a new normal.

I think the journey does not have to be sad. If you have decided the conclusion is she will never be happy again, you may be wrong. But you won't know unless you try. And what you think she feels may not be so in her mind. She is separate from you. It helps to put what you feel in your own claim bin and accept that she has her own feelings despite what it may appear to be. In the event you are right about your observations after a discovery process, then there is no harm in holding out hope and bringing the party to her in a way that honors her at her own pace...not yours.

Bring her paintbrushes. Bring her fingerpaint. Put a brush in her hand and ask her to help paint the sky with you. You will have her prints, and possibly your mom if you at least try. Bring her favorite music in and play it while you paint with her. Don't worry about the mess. Sing to her and ask her to hum or rock or sing with you if she can. Lie in bed with her - and tell her to close her eyes and sing songs you both remember - Happy Birthday is the one probably committed to long term memory for her and easily accessible.

Sorry I got cut off.

Don't marinate in despair because it will affect your ability to make a difference if you stay there too long in sadness. Acknowledge it - cry - and then get back in there and show Mum you are there for her and won't leave her in the last leg of her journey.

If you can go to therapy I strongly advocate for it! It will help smooth out the bumps in between. The pain. Ask for a different perspective to help change the way you experience pain in this transition as per Mum. Maybe finding paint and paper is a start - a start of excitement and new memories rather than a sea of surrender to sadness. It is possible. Anything is.

The hardest part about all of this is wondering where Mum went, aye? I catch glimpses of Mum but it is deteriorating. She is becoming a new person. Someone I have not met completely. Maybe part of this is akin to adolescence and the changes we go through as we transition into adulthood. In other words, it is a transition into a new phase of life. We may not like what we see - but it is part of our journey. It is reverse aging - which reverses roles and perhaps gives us pause as we have front row seats to our own mortality. Where Mum was the leader, we find a bit of fear in the role reversal. Who will be our Mum now, right? I think we have to become a Mum to both our Mothers and ourselves. Remind yourself it is all going to be okay. She will be okay. It is a journey not a race to close the book. May as well embrace what is possible until we trip the final line. Who knows what lays beyond? Exploring spirituality may help. Did you and she ever say prayers? What about praying or singing religious songs? If so, it may offer a huge comfort to you both.

My point is this - nothing worthwhile is a waste of time nor is it pointless when it comes from a loving, genuine belief that hope is always possible...that the journey (even the unpleasant times) can provide tremendous growth in people. There may come a moment or moments of clarity for her that will make you LOL and worth every amount of effort. Isn't it well worth that hope? That possibility?

Animals - oh boy. Animals can connect in ways we cannot through humans because they offer a sense that is calming and accepting. No words are needed. Can you bring in a therapy pet for the elderly? Check out canine companions organizations or contact the American Kennel Club and ask for a referral through many of their resources. Will her care facility permit this? There are laws protecting seniors rights to have a pet but each facility will vary. Some may even have them on site. Ask if you can bring in a pet for her to brush. It can and often does bring the light back into their eyes! Once they were Mums and being in a position to hug, hold, or groom a pet may rekindle the one job they did most of their life: caretaking!

Has your mom been evaluated for depression? I might explore medication for that with her doctor. It could improve her mood. I've seen a lot of people get much better with meds.

I agree she may have clinical depression. It is very often undiagnosed.

Many people who used to read and do crossword puzzles lose interest when it becomes harder to see. I see your mother is 91 years old, so these things could be hard for her now. Ask her about her eyes and you may find that it is the reason.

Did she used to like TV and movies? Maybe it is a bit of depression setting in after moving from her home to the AL facility. Depression and feeling disoriented are common when there are big changes. It would be wonderful if you could find a way to get her interested in her new life. That would take a lot of the burden off of you in trying to keep her entertained. Maybe the people at the AL will have some ideas how you could help integrate her into the community.

IF she is not actually depressed (let's say she enjoys some things that are easier to do, looks forward to meals and visits, etc.) then honestly she may have "lost interest" simply because those things have gotten too hard for her. Lord, I know how sad that is....when my mom did not like Bingo or looking at pictures any more, it broke my heart. They kept activities simpler, like just listening to music or having a little show, or getting nails done and my mom who had not been doing that for herself for years actually liked that. The directors at her assisted living and skilled nursing said she usually just liked to sit and be a people watcher.

I would say too, talk to staff who seem knowledgeable and compassionate enough and ASK if she might be depressed, and if that answer is no, then ask if she would ever be able to go home, or even simpler questions like would she be able to do larger print simpler crosswords again. I really needed people to say those things to me - even that she could not be expected to sequence the steps to putting in her own hearing aid, or manage car transfers again so we fixed up a wheelchair setup in a vehicle we owned.

This, for me, is the best question I have ever seen on here. I went to see my 92 yr old mother a few weeks ago, stayed for 3 days and was so unhappy. Everything about the question resonates with me. I have asked for advice from members of the family on how to make my mother feel less isolated, but none was forthcoming. I am going to try and put into action some of the very helpful answers put on here to the question. I took my mum out a lot, but it didn't seem to help. I felt angry, distressed, and unable to cope but powerless to help somehow at the time.

First of all, it's not useless. You have to keep trying even if you don't see the results you want. I encouraged my mother to take up art which she had been good at. For over a year she showed no interest then one day she started and now she is busy at drawing which is giving her something to do. The nurses also tell me that gradually she has started to communicate with other residents. Don't give up hope. It may get better but be realistic about your expectations. Put yourself in your mother's shoes. She is very old. The mind and body don't respond as they used to. Living in a nursing home is not something many people look forward to but there is often no other good solution. As for dealing with liquidating possessions, I completely agree that it is depressing. I have had to do it and it is painful. I kept as much as I could and stored what I could but many things had to be given away. As I was doing this I saw someone else emptying a neighbor's large home. They were taking out all sorts of things that their relative left behind and I couldn't help thinking that every item had a story. This is going to happen to us one day so we really need to think about how we treat others, how we react to our own aging relatives while they are alive. I find the hardest thing to bear is a lack of kindness and generosity. When my mother asked for a Christmas gift that cost about $60 her daughter said it was too expensive, then the next week went on a two week cruise.

My Mom loved doing crosswords and reading was her absolute passion. We used to watch hockey together for years. She would come over to my place or I hers, we'd order a pizza and really get into the games. Then one day she asked me what I thought at the time was the most ridiculous question. Sometimes when they are analyzing hockey games the commentators would animatedly put a circle around a player to emphasize just him in their commentary. My Mom said "how does the player stay in that circle when they are skating?" I realized at that moment that my Mom was definitely suffering from some sort of decreased cognitive ability.

Reading and doing crosswords eventually became out of the question. I love to read too but just think about it for a second. If you pick up your book and cannot remember what you read yesterday............well, it would be hard to enjoy a book after that.

I think what you need to do is as others have suggested is try to get a feel of what your mom is thinking about on a daily basis and then adjust your conversations to fit her new view of life. Sort of like when you speak to a toddler and you get into their world.

If she is depressed and she might very well be its probably cause she still has enough cognitive functions to know that she isn't where she wants to be and may not remember clearly where she was so everything is skewed in her world. Imagine, lets say that you suddenly found yourself standing on a train platform and you can't remember how you got there or where you came from. I know the greatest thing that could happen to me at that moment would be someone I recognize taking me by the hand and saying don't worry, I'll show you where to go and how to get there.

So, take a few minutes every time you go see her to ask her what she's been thinking about and take it from there.

Good luck and keep us informed on how it is going.

aferrino, this is such a tough time, bless you. Soon you will be done closing out the house and can settle down, and she will have had more time to settle in where she is. You are not making this situation so; you are going along with reality and doing your best for her. I echo some of the other great ideas here (don't have the patience to read the long answer): treat yourself to a little counseling or something else exclusively for you to express your feelings - are you artistic, too? Be patient while she psychs out her new place... what a big change that is for her. She feels out of control right now, and that is depressing! I personally wouldn't throw meds at it yet, if it set in just when she moved there. Sadness is appropriate sometimes, for a while. There's sentiment attached to her things, but you'll be keeping a few that really matter, and maybe she can have some more of them in her apt., too. Love is what matters, find every way you can to keep that foremost in your mind. You're busy being an angel, doing the things that someone can't do for themselves - that is how they walk among us!

My mother gave up on participating in life long before I transitioned her to a personal care home. She was still able to drive and do a lot of things, but she just would not do it. I signed her up for the senior center - she went one time and then refused to go back. I signed her up for therapy - she went one time and refused to go back. I tried to get her to go shopping - she would say she would and then wouldn't do it. Finally, I had to hire a caregiver to come in once a week because I just couldn't handle doing the chores she just refused to do for herself anymore. I've asked myself a million times, why? After I put her in the personal care home, she is the same way. She will not participate in any of the activities. She just wants to sleep. She is only 75, but she has been like this for years. It's a combination of severe depression and the cocktail of meds and pain killers she has been taking for years. I have had to reside to the fact all I can do is go see her as often as I can, bring her snacks and clean up around her. I offer to take her out, but the only time she is interested in going out is to her pain clinic appointment. You see, my mother was caught in that generation where Lortab and such was handed out by doctors like it was candy. It's just caught up with her mentally and physically. All I can do is love her now and try to keep her cared for the best I can. It cost me alot of money out of pocket and I am sure this will go on for years, but she is my mother and I love her. The Bible says to honor your father and mother, it doesn't say "and, OBTW it's going to be easy."

I was a caregiver in an Assisted living for about 5 years. It takes time to adjust for the residents. I am so thankful that you love and care for her enough to visit and handle her affairs. The Caregiver's and people that work in a faculty do try to get people involved in activities. Some people just don't want to do anything whether it's depression or not I don't know. If she can't be alone assisted living is the next best place. Give it time. Everyone needs time to adjust. God is the one who knows our first day and our last. May you all experience the peace that only comes from God.

I dealt with this with my mother, and am now, on a certain level, dealing with it with my husband. I've learned that a major life change, especially in the elderly, can cause profound and deep depression. Mom is gone now, but when alive, she dealt with macular degeneration so could no longer read or watch television. And hobbies she had, like your mom, involved crafting or even paint-by-number. When she was moved to a facility, she was in the middle days of what dementia, or as it's called, "the long goodbye". Speak with her physician to see if her medication may need to be adjusted, perhaps an anti-depressant added. If she is a woman of faith,perhaps the pastor at her church could visit. In my mom's case, she was not happy unless she was unhappy, so the facility and I just decided to let her "enjoy" her misery after a while. Do what you can for her, but not to the extent that you make your OWN life miserable.

I didn't once read you talk about her dementia. She is in advanced stages as my 90 yr. old husband's neurologist has told me as he displays most of what you describe. In dementia, there is no hope because this is a terminal illness. Just take care of your mother when her house is sold until she passes. Yes, what will remain will be thousands of good memories you all have shared.

The transition to assisted living may have set her back some but it was likely the best (or only) choice. Either way, she would have reached this stage. Dementia is terminal and you can't fix that.

Your pain is palpable. Those of us who've been through selling a house when our elders are still physically alive know that pain. Keep what you can for now, just for the memories.

You also may want to hang some of your mom's artwork on her AL walls so that she can see them and so that the staff and her visitors can comment on them.

You can't expect her to do crosswords and read books if her mind won't hold what happened just before since both require memory. I don't believe that watching a movie with her - even if she sleeps - is a waste of time. You can hold her hand and be in the room with her. She will likely register that.

Talk to the staff about different approaches to helping her enjoy life more but don't expect what may not happen. Each person is different. Some who have dementia can still laugh and enjoy some moments while many others withdraw.

My mother stopped enjoying life from a combination of mild dementia and the pain that she was suffering. She also gradually withdrew because she was worn out from hearing about the deaths of her friends and finally the death of her husband, my dad. She only lived five more months after that but she was ready to go.

You can only do so much so don't berate yourself for not making her better. Work with the staff to give your mom whatever you can that may bring her some enjoyment. Other than that, offer her your love. Often, a certain amount of contentment is all that we can expect to see.

Take care of yourself, too. This is a hard time for you and your sister as well as your mother.
Carol

I believe in life we go through seasons and I look at my role as managing caretakers and being a caretaker a season of my life that will probably end too early. I have found that how I choose to be with this is just that, a choice...and thankfully mom is one of those "take it one day at a time" kind of person as she can remember that in dealing with alzheimers. Thankfully, I learned about music being something that she still remembers - songs from her era, hymns, carols - she loves to sing and she has a beautiful voice, and can remember these the most, so we try to surround her with music as we can. She also wants to know she can still "help" others and has a purpose, so making sure we give her simple things to do, or ways she can help and thanking her for doing it and telling her how big of a help she was is somehow satisfying to her. At daycare that may mean handing out hymnals to sing, or collecting them. She used to love doing jig saw puzzles, and now we have very simple ones that she still will work with someone else to help put together. She gets many wrong, but will still do it. She is physically healthy, so any walks in nature singing or picking up colored leaves, acorns, flowers, etc. she loves. Alot of it is that she will mimic our attitude, and my goal is to always have fun - singing silly songs she may even make up, or laughing and making up words back and forth. She responds well to getting lots of hugs and affection. The main thing, though, is understanding that you have a choice in your attitude of how to deal with this, just like everything else in life. Is the glass half full or half empty? Your choice.

I sympathize. My mother is only 74 and still lives in her own home but has given up. Just taken to her easy chair. Honestly it's been going on for 5 years already. It is depression but she refuses to take anti-depressants. Personally, it has taught me that you can't make someone else happy. Step back, protect your own emotions, and live the best life you can. You are lucky she is in an ALF. I know any day now that my mom will be at that point and I dread the process. It's a weight over my head each and every day. I anticipate she will spend many years living in one since she is so awful at 74.

I always think I'm going to come up with great answers then I read other comments and I can't add to this. Everyone here has such wonderful advice.

I suppose I can just say that your mother is so very lucky to have you. Being there, just your presence probably means more then any of us realize. It sounds so much to me like depression(though I realize it's not entirely the same)...this total loss of interest. Days blending in to each other.

The one thing, the only thing, that will really help me is the love and care of others. Knowing they are there is an extremely powerful antidote to the sadness or emptiness she may be feeing.

The only other thing I would add is maybe an old movie she loved. Something that might give her a laugh? Even for a moment, can be magic.
Blessings to you.

Upstream, I am in the same boat except that Mom has moved in with me as of a year and a half ago. She just wants to live out the rest of her life in either her bed or her chair. Nothing brings her joy. She longer has an interest in anything at all. The T.V. will hold her interest for a while but not always.

I was trying everything to get her to show any signs of pleasure or happiness but I have decided to stop making myself miserable trying. At some point, we each have to be responsible for ourselves and our own happiness.

There are lots of helpful suggestions here. In my experience, both the setting change and cognitive decline play a role in your mother's disposition. Believe me. I've been there. But my 89 year old mother who lives in a memory care unit for her dementia and extreme paranoia now has a twinkle in her eye more often than not. On Christmas Day, she was in the best mood and laughed alot :). She has a great appetite and loves to go out to eat or favorite foods we bring in. She still loves puzzles and have ordered the 100-piece puzzles with larger, thicker pieces from Walmart.com and do one puzzle each time I visit. I also bring in a few magazines from time to time for her to look at the pictures. She has a book made up of her children/grandchildren and the family cottage. The book is a great idea as she generally loses/miplaces/hides things so this way, single pictures don't get tossed out or hidden as the book is so much larger and all in one place. I would keep trying things. My mother still engages in all of the events at the facility. Does she have a friend there or perhaps she relates well to some of the staff members? Maybe they can help get her more involved. I would also take her to a geriatric specialist for a full workup and also for her medication review. We also put up 3 of her favorite paintings and decorated her room with a few favorite pieces of furniture. This has helped, too. I put a birdfeeder outside her window and she enjoys watching the birds. My mother was an interior decorator and a Master Gardner. The staff is aware of that and invite my mother to decorate the tables for holiday and special events, the Xmas trees, etc. She loves that. So keep trying different things and I am confident your mother will "shine" with some of them. Never ever give up - continue to give your love and gather strength from others and God. Good Luck!

My mom used to read all the time. Problem is she still thinks she does and continues to buy books. There were about 2000 books in her house, every surface covered 3 ft high. I moved her in with us when she was sick and knew she would never go home. She had gone grocery shopping and I found the food still in the car 2 weeks later. That was the deciding point for me but on top of that she was laying in a bed full of fleas. She didn't brush her dogs she had a noble groomer come, she hadn't been walking them they went in the house but she denied that she didn't walk them, she's been living with us for over a year. We added in addition for her giving her a big bedroom and bath and sitting room that we bright some of her clicks, paintings, & other belongings from her house so they would feel familiar. But she doesn't remember anything for 30 seconds now unless she gets mad then she stews in it and it grows to much worse in her mind. She still talks about buying a house. I'm a realtor and I can't discuss my business around her because she wants to go see house so maybe she can buy. Her dogs have passed away and she only occasionally asks if she has dogs that need walking. I try to get her to read but she will say she finished that book when in truth she read a few pages. All she wants to do is buy more books and gets mad when I tell her no she has plenty at home. She also doesn't shower but insists that she does everyday. She lives in a world she used to and gets very nasty if we push her such is asking her if she is going to shower she blows up. We have a lady that comes in 5 hours a day for 4 days a week and sometimes she can get her to shower, but gas to lie to her about going to dr or something. The biggest problem is her denying everything and getting mad if we question what she says. I've tried to get her to keep reading but she'd rather watch tv or lay in bed. She can't follow a movie so we watch nothing but sitcom reruns. My husband and I have no life anymore. Our lives revolve around her, not making her mad, trying to making her happy, keeping her healthy. She snacks all evening starting 5 mins after dinner, if we don't buy the snacks, she'll eat bread or anything else as long as it's carbs she won't eat fruit. Her teeth need to be held in with fixident but she refuses so she plays with them constantly making her belch and then she coughs louder than anyone could think possible. We have been to countless doctors for this. All I can say is enjoy what little conversation you can have with your mother because we can't carry on a conversation with my mom. Give her as many of her own belongings, decorations as you can from her home. My mom doesn't remember many pictures other than immediate family members. If anyone has suggestions for me I'd appreciate it.

Mother asked me to come back home. She had been in Independent Living for over a decade and was having trouble managing for herself. I moved back to my home that is close to facility and then Kitty and myself stayed with her for a year and a half until, under a pretext, we were forced her out of her I.L. apartment . . .to the hospital emergency room, to the facility's Health Care Center, and then to Personal Care. Mother went into a withdrawal physically and mentally. She couldn't keep it in her head to push the emergency button around her neck if she needed help. Subsequently she also had three falls from negligence of the staff. They would move her back from meals and leave her in front of the TV by herself or put her to bed without first taking her to the bathroom. The falls left her with more mental confusion. We had to get Nurses Aid service for 8 hours night x $25.00 per hour, and I was with her 16 hours a day so that she would not have any more falls. Do not underestimate how terrible the facility where your loved is residing. I am now with Mother 12 hours a day. I heard a maintenance man inappropriately call in to her apartment (her name) and ask in a romantic way, "is there anything you want to talk about." My hair stood on end. Hallucinations and nightmares followed. We talked about it. I told her she could tell me anything. She said he had been visiting. We stopped that. The facility was hardly cooperative. I relied on Aging Care correspondence to get the matter dealt with. Mother is also suffering decline in her perephial vision due to the negligence of the facility to administer her eye drops.for Cholestreal. We are going to a specialist What I am saying is be there everyday as long as you can. Observe what is going on. Are they keeping her cleaned up. Check it out. Have her included in meals that you share, with other family if that is what picks her up. All you need is a thread of interest in something and build on that. Draw her out. Deal with shortcomings of the facility. They might not care if she lays in bed or what and if she eats and is hydrated. Mother likes it here. She is social , likes the ladies at her meal time table in the DR, and there are activities she likes ie, gospel singing.
Mostly she likes me here. I would rather have her at home with family or in another facility but my brother and cousin who don't come to visit believe the facility is just wonderful. She likes it and cousin and brother would say I was an undue influence on her if I wanted to remove her from the harm. There is a long list of injuries and negligence. I keep on nursing Mother back to health when another major harm comes to light. There needs to be a change.

I think it will take more time for her to get use to the new environment, and then i wouldn't be surprised if she takes on more activities. She may need evaluated for depression. If a medication will help her enjoy life more then she may need that. It sounds like she is an amazing woman with many artistic abilities, and to watch much of it diminish is hard for you also, and will also take an adjustment peroid. You will see small imorovements, in time. Prayers to you and sister.

I'm watching my mother do the exact same thing. Books go unread. Puzzles takes her weeks, not hours, Bingo is gone to simply for the "social aspect" she no longer cares if she wins.
Accepting the "new norm" as our loved ones fade away, is really, really hard. Mother was here in my home on Christmas and the kids did make a fuss over her, but she wasn't really sure who all the gg-kids were! Watching this decline and knowing there is really nothing I can do to "help" is very sad. BUT...it seems like we all go through this with someone we love, if we live long enough.
Mother IS frustrated with her diminishing abilities, but out of fear we plop her in a NH, she stays "cheery". Honestly, we did not think we'd have her this Christmas.
As a family, all we can do is visit, call, help her when and where she will let us and let it go... a lot of it. WE aren't in charge of their lives dimming, we can only keep them safe, comfortable and as happy as possible.
Treating depression in the very elderly is a slippery slope. Don't expect miracles. Just love her and keep conversations light and on subjects they can follow.
This is so hard, I know. Good Luck.

My father is not in assisted living and he is experiencing the same things as your mother. Things he used to like to do are too hard for him to concentrate on. I just lower my expectations. We watch sports together but he never makes it through a game and will shut it off just at the most exciting moment because he has lost interest. He will read parts of the same book over and over because he has forgotten it but will never finish it. Some days he likes the book and others he doesn't. He will like something he never liked before and not like something he has always liked - even worse, he might not like food I give him that he will like when someone else gives it to him! His world has gotten small and he doesn't particularly want to join in the social activities in the building, although he might go if I go with him. I don't think he trusts himself to make conversation or remember people. Everyone is very kind to him where he lives. He does enjoy watching children run around, which is why we go to church. I'm thinking adult daycare with children around might work. He gets tired very easily and likes the quiet of his apartment. I keep looking for creative but simple things we can do together. They only hold his attention a short time and I end up doing most of it, but it's an alternative to TV. We made an construction paper garland for a very cheap little tree at Christmas. We'll fold paper airplanes. He does sleep a lot. A friend who visits encourages him to work out (10 min) with her and I try to get him to walk around a little with me each day to keep those legs working. But I've backed off on managing his time unless we have an appointment.

I have considered assisted living for him but I think most of what they could offer him, he is already getting and the stress of moving to an unfamiliar place at this time would outweigh the benefits, as long as we can keep covering his needs. It certainly would be a lot easier on me.

My mother lived with us and it was like walking on egg shells... you never knew how the day would go and once she was "set off", she was that way the whole day. I had one high school child at home still and my husband and they were kind to have her stay for 2+ years; then both doctors who she saw (geriatric specialist every 6 months and a heart doctor yearly) told me it was time that I find a facility fo her. I still kept her at our home a few more months, until we found a place for her and I could accept it in my mind. It has worked out so much better. Perhaps you should consider a facility. However, your inhome help sounds wonderful. Another thing now that my mother qualified for Medicaid is that she is assigned a social worker and a nurse from the county so I can use them if needed. It has all worked out so much better than I could have ever thought. And believe me, my mother was the most negative person I knew for a long, long time. Now she is positive and upbeat, Good Luck!

Others have given you good responses.. I shall add my bit.. I go visit an old lady, [now 94] who isnt old. I am, she is in her 20s maybe late teens. She is looking and wondering does her mother know she is there. And why doesnt her husband visit ?? Is he having an affair. She needs to get a job and set up a house, Maybe down in London cos she used to do embroidery and could clean houses.
She asks how am I, why am I there, I respond and say I am her daughter, "What she hasnt had children, and when told 5, she rubs her stomach and giggles"
I dont visit my Ma, I visit someone who could be pre world war 2, or the other week it was around 10 yrs ago.
AS for your Mother not wanting to read, how could she, she doesnt remember the last line she has read, the words dont make sense. Watching TV is a nightmare for them, as how can they comprehend its a movie, it cant be followed, the storyline is of course gone from one second to another, and are they part of it or an audience. What is an audience.
My Ma has now got such a short memory circuit that she goes to the bathroom say 15min after I have been visiting and comes back to her room, and greets me as tho Im newly arrived.
How can anyone help pass the time, they are not having ^time in their life^ any more, let alone thinking you can make the 'time of their life' happen.
Then again they can amaze one as little bits remain. She remembered for a couple of weeks, that she had visited this funny man, he told jokes. It happened to be the PCP who shared a joke with me, and not that she got that part but she must have remembered his laughing [he has a very nice laugh]
So to understand what your Mother's bubble now is.. pick up a jigsaw puzzle piece, without knowing which box it came from, and that is your picture of her life.
Its very sad, its hard to know what to do.

I loved Ohiogirl's answer to this question. Our attitudes around parent's suffering from dementia is huge! They mimic us. We see what our folks are going through and the fear that one day it will happen to us makes us want to run away. But they can't and we shouldn't.