I feel emotionally abused by my recovering stroke victim husband. Any advice?

ZMM, I know diddly about US benefits and social support systems so I'm sorry that I can't offer any suggestions about where you might find help.

But what I will say, in terms of having anyone to talk to, is that we're here - the forum may be only virtual, but you can come here any time and just say what you're thinking and how you're feeling. Sometimes simply getting the words out can be a relief.

As a start, though, you must have rescued your dogs *from* somewhere. Are you in touch with those people? People don't have to be in the same situation as each other, necessarily, to be like-minded.

Once the house is gone, where will you live? The car is already gone, which must make life difficult but at least it's one thing less to worry about.

If your husband moved to the Medicaid-accepting facility, what would happen? You're going to have to move anyway, so why not plan to move separately?

I am having the same issues with above from my husband of almost 20 years. My daughter even called the Police and she is in another State. Since he is now partially paralyzed and brain damage, I am constantly ridiculed and yelled at. I have nowhere to go, because he can no longer work and we have gone through all of our money, because we had to wait so long for Social Security and Workers Compensation to decide who would pay him. I only get $899.40 a month, because I was already a disabled senior, so that amount could no way pay our mortgage (we are in foreclosure), pay our car payment (it was repossessed) and all our utilities. We have had our power shutoff and just made a payment of $260 to them, plus we are constantly behind using PayDay loans to live on. He was hurt almost 2 years ago and he still cannot get Medicare till December 2017. He has Medicaid, but we live in a rural county and the closest Medical Facility near us who takes Medicaid is a hour and a half away from us. I have no one to talk to and since my credit score dropped from 780 to 427, there is no place that will rent to me, plus I have a paralyzed dog and two other rescue dogs, so no one is going to rent to me with all those animals. I have no reason to live anymore due to the constant abuse from my husband, my daughter has her own family issues, and I have a adult son who is a drug addict and I never see him anymore. Their father, who at the time was my ex. husband shot himself, so I have no family and I cannot even get any kind of he.

Particularly for men, depression can manifest almost totally as hostility as anger. Post-stroke depression is common as rain. Depression is contagious when you have to live with it day in and day out.

Your loved one may have a hard time accepting help and treatment, but it's needed...and you deserve help as well! It is possible that a person will see through the fog of depression and/or PTSD when gently told that the inability to return to normal homelife is staking a toll and becoming unbearable. Many will deny depression because they feel angry, not sad, but you can reply that many, many people, nearly everyone, can run into this problem of irritability after a stroke and that medications usually used for depression may help it. Sorry for the jerk head doc who thinks this is just usual marital bickering going on.

Kerrika, your husband may be angry because of the stroke, even though he's recovering well. A stroke, heart attack and/or other serious illness can challenge someone's perception of his/her strength and stability. For men, especially alpha males, I think this is such a blow to their own self perception that they become angry, and take it out on others. On the other hand, some can work harder to compensate for what's happened.

You might check local hospitals to see if they have stroke support groups and see if you can get your husband to go. If he won't, go yourself as you might get some inside information on why your husband has changed so much.

But try to stand up to him and don't let him bully you. To prevent visitors or phone calls is absolutely ridiculous. If he's trying to isolate you socially, that's a really bad sign of where he's heading.

From previous posts I've read, I suspect that someone with more experience than I on this issue will address the mental issue that could have changed because of the stroke. Did any of the doctors discuss this, i.e., what parts of his brain and personality might have been affected?

You might want to try to find a social worker, RN, or therapist who can provide insight as this situation seems to be going downhill quite rapidly. And it may be that some intervention will have to occur to protect you and your son. It certainly must be detrimental to your son's health, and he's just an innocent party as are you.

Do you have any updates on your situation? My husband had a stroke about two months ago and is recovering well. Recently he has become independent and verbally abusive. He is always frustrated with everyone and everything. No one is allowed to come to my house or to call the phone. He shouts and swears at me and our son whenever we try to help or ask if he needs things. This is horrifying. I have become depressed and find myself crying all the time. I have to work and function to pay the bills while he is unwell but is constant anger is wearing me thin. I really wanted to be there for him now I want to leave.

My uncle had the same outcome from a stroke. He did require assistance during the day while my aunt worked. Prior to the stroke he was a kind and gentle bear of a man; after he was very hostile, angry and very loud and mean to my aunt. Because of his behavior overnight care was also necessary. We were always afraid he would knock her down when she tried to help him at night.

I don't know how my aunt put up with it for 10 years. She was a much better woman than I could ever be.

If he's able to be independent, and he complains so ungraciously about being married to you, and you're not happy either…

Why are you still there?

Have to agree with Blannie. There's no reason why you should have to tolerate such insulting verbal abuse.

What kind of doctor is it that doesn't take you seriously? Has your husband seen a neurologist?

I think if you were married, then separated, and are now back together you know your husband well enough to know if this is his personality or if it's post-stroke personality. If the former, you need to think of yourself and make your own arrangements. No one should be dragged down by insults.

Some doctors can be such jerkwads! Maybe give it one more try and if the doc won't listen and your husband won't make any changes, then leave. There's no point in making yourself miserable with an unappreciative and angry husband. I'm sure he's frustrated at his situation and taking it out on you.

Strokes can also affect brain function, so he may have that going on too. Here's some info from a stroke association website: http://www.strokeassociation.org/STROKEORG/LifeAfterStroke/RegainingIndependence/EmotionalBehavioralChallenges/Personality-Changes-After-Stroke_UCM_309905_Article.jsp

But there's no reason why you should have to live with that anger if he's so miserable. Please keep us posted on how you're doing...

Thanks, Pam, I'll try that. His doctor doesn't take me seriously. Every time I've tried to talk with the doctor about my husband's moods, he tries to joke with me and acts like all wives put their husbands in bad moods. You know, sometimes you really feel like giving up..

You might want to talk to his MD about happy meds for him. Give it a try and if he won't take them, you should.