Why is it that some elderly are totally void of positive feelings, but when it comes to negative feelings and comments, they become very expressive?

So labbydog, (BTW...one of our BEST dogs was a Labrador!!) maybe we need to move mothers in with each other, and let them feed off each other instead of us!! They do sound like unhappy twins!

Joannes you could have been writing about MY mother! I agree with what the others have said about some of the assisted living places; my mother lives in one and it's like college for seniors....a club for complainers. Every time I call my mother, it's complain city. I feel like saying, "Well, Mom, what went right today?" She's always been one to look at the glass as half-empty, and that gets exacerbated later in life. But, what do you say to the person who is all negative?
She does it to herself; won't take advantage of any of the activities offered at the assisted living facility, complains about the food, criticizes other people there who are "supposedly" her friends, tells me the aides she have "steal" things from her apartment (this is totally not true). I just want to hang up! But, I can't, because I am her sole caregiver (sister opted out a long time ago). And, she is a 2 hour drive away. She's making me crazy. I feel like she is sucking the life out of me and my family. I try to help by ordering things for her on-line; she responds by criticizing what I ordered, and telling me it has to "go back." Honestly, sometimes I just want to tell her, "Do it youself then. I'm out." But, I can't. I am calling tomorrow to try to get some visits to a LICSW for myself. I said to my husband, "I don't know who is going to go first.....her or me." She's 97, by the way, and, oh, Joannes, she, too, points out all the other residents who are "fat" (she's 5 feet, 105 lbs., and prides herself on being so "slim").

I have watched a couple of female relatives go through this. My mother became this way when my father died and she said "there was nothing left for her to live for, no one needed her any longer." We all tried to tell her that is was not true, we were all still here and needed her...she refused to listen and basically locked herself away, never going anywhere except the doctor's office.

I have heard there are stages in both life and death that we all go through and anger is one of them. When Mom blows up now, I know it is anger and frustration...she too never has much to say about happy positive events, but when there is anything bad or negative she jumps in with both feet.....she can also rip me apart with hateful words. People say don't give a second thought it is just the dementia talking but I can tell you it cut to the bone no matter what.

There are also many people who love to be negative and it is kind of like getting in on the latest gossip....everyone wants to be included. I have noticed within my own family that we seem to think it is okay to stick our noses into every other family members business and tell them just what they need to do with their children, work or spouses. I realize it is highly inappropriate now, but I grew up with everyone doing this and it became standard behavior, we all just felt we had the right to say whatever we wanted to, to each other. It is not right, but maybe your mother has always been this way and maybe she grew up in a household much like mine.

I feel for you and I feel for your mother because living a life where negative feelings are voiced all the time means you are unhappy and you don't mind making other people unhappy....

The last couple comments are very interesting! Seems like we have defined a particular counseling need for the elderly, no matter their health issues....topic being, how to make the most of your last years and finish up with grace, happiness and still have hope and fun each day, no matter what! There must be those who are fearful, unhappy, hurting either physically or mentally, who would still love to learn how to make each day something MORE! And would not that whole type of counseling just help all us caregivers immensely too?!

My first instinctive answer would be because the best is not yet to come anymore. The past WAS the best. There is nothing to look forward to.
Many elderly people realize the future is bleak in terms of their health, and that dying is inevitable. It hits close to home when you get old.
I admire the elderly people who can choose to think differently; who have gardens they work in, other older folks they befriend, hobbies they can enjoy.
Sadly, those people seem to be few and far between. :(

It could be your mom is focused on how she feels both physically and mentally. If she seems to be depressed offer to go to the doctor with her and explain about the negative thoughts. I agree with the above responses, you can ask her 'what are you going to do about that', or 'what is the worst thing that can happen', I also use the comment 'we'll see, then I change the subject.. If she hasn't always focused on the negatives then she may need a medical workup, some hormone changes can affect mood (such as thyroid). Maybe when she is judgmental she is seeing some of her own traits. As we go through life, we are so busy and don't have the time to focus on one thing or another, the negative and bad events in life get more 'attention' because they make such an impact; now that your mother is older she has the time to focus on the negative. I don't think there is just one answer or solution to your question. I've experienced this and it is difficult but don't give up.

Ferris1, your answers are always so helpful! I know I still have trouble being direct enough with my mother, as she just will not have a narrative, but cries and pouts and refuses to talk but behavior never changes. I won't tell the story, but she still hates my daughter for some things that needed to be said to Mom on Mother's Day, just based on Mom not being safe but wanting to be home alone. And she still insists that it was my daughter who 'made them take my Dad away' a year ago! Just because Joelle, our daughter, was in the house witnessing the behavior and phoned me. I, as the POA, listened in on the phone and made the decision to call the police. Anyhow...I've gotten direct enough to tell her, when she goes on and on about how all those residents at my Dad's place, never have any visitors....I will always say, well we don't know how many of them HAD spent time at home, or with relatives, but it just didn't work out because they could not safely be there or cooperate anymore, or perhaps their family could no longer handle their behavior or care needs. And sometimes I just say, " Well, when people can no longer be nice to their caregivers or friends or family, they just run out of people who want to help them". And when she can tell she has thoroughly irritated me, because I will point out specifically, her friends who have less help and more to deal with than she does, she will straighten up for awhile. I've even gotten to the point where I've said to her, " You know, you don't have a lot of other choices if I cannot help you anymore' And currently, she IS on a nice streak because she understands that I may now also have a husband with health problems on a permanent basis, and I have made it clear to her that, in the end, HE comes first because he is my husband! She didn't like that, but when I asked her why she didn't move back home to care for her own father when he broke his hip at 98yr old.....she immediately said because SHE had a husband and home to take care of!! I will work at having more patience but I cannot imagine how you and those others on this board who are also doing the total physical, day to day care manage to stay sane and positive! I know I will find a way to do it for my husband should he end up really having Parkinson's and when it becomes really debilitating to him....but I absolutely KNOW that I could not take my mother into my home, and certainly will not be moving into her home with her. I will do all else we can do to keep her safe and cared for and to try to have a decent relationship with her aside from that. I still remain angry inside that she could not have acted like a wife and helped my dad more so that he could have stayed home, yet she constantly complains about 'someone' taking him away from her. Anyhow....as an RN, I will also add, after years of experience, that, in general, I firmly believe that the women are much harder to care for than the men! Many women, perhaps because of their own years of self sacrifice and caregiving as wives and mothers, just seem to want more and more and more until you feel like you are being sucked dry....while most men seem to more directly ask for what they need, and only what they need and have more appreciation for the help they receive. Anyhow...thanks for your wise words!

To all that feel frustrated and afraid of their loved one's negativity. Speak up! Tell that loved one exactly how you feel and even if they have dementia you will have had your say, and that alone is priceless. It may even change the behaviors once the person has heard your complaint. I tell my husband when he has said something that is so hurtful, my heart feels like it will break, and then he does apologize at a later time. Write down your thoughts too, and let your loved one read them (if they can still read and understand the words), and after you have spoken and written your feelings, give yourself permission to heal from those ugly words. Your situation will not last forever, and one day you will be free of such negativity. God bless you all who write here, and continue to know you are blessed! Ferris

Exactly what I am going through with my 92 year old Mom...
Plus, she seems to have placed all her negative feelings about men onto my companion, and will say things under her breath about him (even though he is so very decent to have invited her into our home when it became apparent that she could not live alone.)
She was always an independent working woman and we were not a touchy, feelly, emotionally expressive family. I now find it very hard to be overly nice to her (like after she has just called my man a jerk for making a silly joke about the dog, or some other innocent remark.) She has disdain for modern comforts (e.g. an electric blanket), convenience (e.g. a dish washer) and most "people today". She is impatient with late dinners or anything done differently than she used to do it. Her hygiene is deteriorating and she becomes angry if I suggest bathing. She will say I am "ridiculous." Her memory is "spotty" and she often accuses me of "making things up" because I think she can't remember. (She can't) and she voices suspicions of people's motives sometimes (like the pedicurist leaves her nails long so she has to come back quicker.) She does not /can't enjoy conversation and seems not to want to be social with others if given the opportunity. She does wear hearing aids (at my request) that she hates. She can no longer "follow" movies, does not enjoy reading, TV, or music (even the music of her youth.)
She is becoming "clingy" to me in that she resents or is impatient with my time spent away from the house. I do try to take her out 1x per week for healthcare or salon appointments including a meal out for a change of pace. I don't know if she enjoys it, but she usually wants to go. She does not enjoy shopping and has mobility issues so there is not much else we can do outside the home together.
She may have the beginnings of dementia and I understand the deficits of aging, but I find it impossible to ignore my own feelings after she has insulted my weight, said my nephew looks disgusting (he has long hair) or makes other negative statements in a nasty tone. If I can't laugh, I usually just remain quiet although I am starting to tell her when she is being fresh.
She also seems to pay a lot of attention to my "mate", staring at him when we all sit in the living room in the evening. She prefers that, to going to her own comfortable room which includes a private bath, a lift chair recliner, a TV, and can be made a warmer temp. than the rest of the house. She always complains about being cold although she understands that we keep it warm enough for us to be HOT.
I understand that she may be depressed, but we have a nice home and she does not appreciate the time, space, or independence that my partner and I have given up for her. She will say "thanks" or "please" occasionally, but somehow manages to make it sound very snarky.
Yet, she always seems appreciative, sweet, and bubbly on the phone to my siblings, who have only managed to visit once in the last three years (on pre-paid tickets).
~ Just venting, but I am frustrated. It both stresses me out and makes me sad that I do not enjoy her company.

Ferris 1-I found your comments helpful, logical ways to deal with the negativity that seems to be a common thread with the elderly due to their various circumstances around their deteriorating health, mental or physical, the ever closer end of life, loss of loved ones, and loss of independence. Having said that, however, now that I am a caregiver, it is still hard to deal with the constant criticism and blame.I sometimes feel as if I am standing still on one spot, and don't want to move a fraction of an inch right or left, up or down, for fear of causing anger and recrimination for a trivial thing, or something I have no control over. Sites such as this one help, as it just gives caretakers a place to vent, and also to not feel so isolated with the issues of caring for an aging loved one, so that we can go on with our tasks with love, gentleness, and care.

My mother is sometimes very negative about many things, especially when she feels lousy which is allot of the time (has degenerative spine disease and has gotten to the point in her pain management stage when nothing works completely for an extended period of time), so I try to take that into account...still gets hard to deal with sometimes as her negativity spills over to my actions, the way I do things like cook, clean, live, etc. I have my faults, but really am not a bad sort of person. She rants and rails against systems, like the health care systems, and nothing her doctors do can please her, I think because they just can't wave a magic wand and take away all of her pain and ailments. I guess when I think back over time, she was always a glass half empty instead of full person, told my sister that she was only truly happy person for a very small percentage of her life although she had a good marriage, plenty of money, traveled all over the world with my step father in his line of business, there were 3 of us, all turned out OK, go figure...kind of sad really. So, I try not to take anything personally, try to change the subject or offer suggestions on how we can improve the situation, and try to keep myself up, suck it up and move on.

This thread brought to mind the thought that why does it take No effort whatsoever to grow weeds and so much effort to grow beautiful flowers? It takes effort to be positive, find positive in ourselves and others, especially when being unhappy has become I level of comfortability.

Debralee - The operative word is "some" seniors. One has to remember when 80 year olds were raised. It was really depressing in the Great Depression, and those thought processes have to be re-learned, otherwise they stay. Hanging around positive people is one of the best things one can do. First start with medical issues and what the senior may be taking (med-wise). A lot of the prescription medications have depression as a side effect. Next, ask about family of origin and what type of comments parents made to the senior. Were they positive or negative? If mostly negative, the senior now regards a negative comment as one meaning "love". There are no children born with "bad genes" and no child is born to be negative. These are learned behaviors and I recommend a mentor of mine, Dr. Martin Seligman and his famous research and book, "Learned Optimism". These behaviors can be re-learned and taught to one another and I encourage everyone to check out this book (from the library - free). Best of health to all! Keep positive...

Dear lastresort. What you said is so true. And I realize I have inherited a LOT of my mother's negativity in my own personallity. I am not as bad as she is because I have interests and participate in activities and life (she never did). But I see it in myself often. It isn't that I'm unhappy, it just comes out and I can't stop it. It seems to be an automatic thing to twist stuff negatively even though I don't intend to or want to. I have no idea why I prefer to say negative things rather than positive ones. Maybe my mother's influence or just genetic but I don't want to be like that, ever. It scares me to think I could turn into her when I am old and maybe dementia will rob me of my self control to stop it. I wish I could find a way to reverse my own personality

My mom at 96 is the queen of negative, has been as long as I remember, probably all her life as she recalls the neighbors called her "the sour baby" when she was little. My greatest fear is that I will become her as I age. I am a chronic depressive and have been on meds for that pretty continually since 1972. But depression is not the same as the sadistic glee some of these people take at putting others down. My daughter is the one who used the word sadist in reference to Mom in the last two months and at 60 I finally realized that was part of my problem, as an only child I had been the focus of all that negativity for much too long. I'm not sure how much dementia she has, my aunt is the one with severe short term memory loss, but Mom lives with her "to take care of her" even though mom is nearly totally blind (is if you listen to her, is not if you take her to the eye doctor...)we bought a home near mine so she and dad could be where I could take care of them but since it is 4 1/2 hours away from my aunt she won't come. My 30 year old son has put his life on hold to try to help me keep them out of a NH, but I have a husband, a house, and an 8 year old grandchild I am raising and I won't put them through what Dad and I went through when she moved home with me to "take care of her mother til she died" . Lived there 13 years before grandma died and is still in my grandparents house with the aunt. Some people are just black holes. We try to love and care for them just the same, but it is not easy.

You have described my mother to a "t". She is and always has been one of the most negative persons I know. That is her personality and that is probably your mother's as well. As they age and dementia increases it gets worse as they feel more and more insecure. Mom's negativity (as well as her 2 minute memory and constant paranoid worrying over everything) has become so stressful for me that I need to take a tranquilizer before I visit. She enjoys nothing and take her somewhere nice and she is uncomfortable and wants to go home. From my youth I can remember one of her most repeated phrases began with "isn't it awful.....". I feel for you, I know how it makes you feel. Maybe it will help to just accept that this is who she is, someone who sees the glass half empty always.) and the truth is, finding things to worry about and complain about - makes her happy because she truly is incapable of dealing with pleasure. Negativity is all she knows and how she copes with not being comfortable with herself or the world she lives in. People like that are insecure with a poor self image so they need to put everything down to make themselves feel good or to convince you that they are a victim. I send hugs to you.

I was married to a man like that for nearly 10 yrs. No matter what the situation, even if it was mostly good he would find something negative about it and harp on just that. It was almost as if it made him happy to be unhappy. I didn't know his mom, she died before I met him but from what I heard about her she was the same way. I came to believe that it was his way of getting attention. If he was unhappy all the time people would feel sorry for him. And pity was better than no attention at all. Needless to say we are no longer together. His unhappiness made us both unhappy
I agree with desert above. Change the subject if you can or just walk away.

In my experience, I have noticed that it seems that old folks lose the ability to "filter" their thoughts so what goes in their head comes out their mouth with no filtering whatsoever. My 91 year old mom is definitely this way. She does have some dementia caused by normal pressure hydrocephalus. My husband was gracious enough to let her come and live with us and sometimes, she says the most horrible (and not true) things to him. She does the same to me. She talks about me to him and him to me. If we get upset by a comment she makes, then she gets upset. I asked her why she makes comments that aren't even true and she says she doesn't know and that she just can't seem to help herself. For the most part and for everybody's sake, just let it go in one ear and out the other. There is nothing gained by pointing out why she is wrong or that we are right, or whatever. When she talks about the hospital that is behind our house or that there is an underground restaurant in her old subdivision, I just smile. She says horrible things to family members (mostly true but none of her business) so no one calls or comes over and then she complains about that. She's also not happy being alive. All of her friends are dead. She hurts all the time. It's no wonder she has a negative point of view. You have to accept that you cannot change this behavior and learn to somehow deal with it. Just ignore it. I know its hard because their comments are so hurtful, but we say, "consider the source" and let it go. Good luck with that. It also helps to be able to vent on this website.

It is hard to watch your mother show no experience of joy when you do something nice for her. Yes she is grateful and appreciative in words, but I do not see any joy in her expressions or body language. There are moments of upbeat moods, but more usually she just goes through the motions of existence. I wonder if the positive emotions of the limbric system of the brain diminish before the negative emotions in the elderly.

I think I understand what you are describing, Debralee..
It's more fun to talk negatively than it is to say something about what we enjoy. Hence, the eleven o'clock news at night. Example: The news reports, if you listen closely, depicts life at it's worst. Occasionally, Brian Williams or Diane Sawyer will throw in some wonderful stories of success, do goodies or just plain enjoyable events. Most news is negative. Here's how I would handle your mother: Before any commentary takes place from either one of you, begin a conversation with how wonderful the day has been so far. Be enthusiastic. Smile and look up, not down. Of course you will not get a good reaction. You may get nothing. Keep it up. When she interrupts with a negative comment, just say " umm, I see, or I understand." Do not wallow with her in the negativity. Walk away if it gets really bad. It does take two to tango.
I doubt if we're dealing with Depression or Dementia here., although that may come along at a later time in her life.

Sooozi, I do understand what you are saying, but it is very hard to know how to deal with, live with (and I do, sorry, thank GOD daily that I am not in a situation where I have to literally 'live with' this mother of mine!) someone so negative that they've turned off most of their friends and family and then whine and cry constantly because they 'are alone', but they don't want to leave their home; they don't want to call their friends to do anything; ...not they....but her...this mother...she's 'too busy' to spend more than an hour visiting my dad and besides the place is soooo depressing....and why don't any of her grandkids call her and why don't her great grandkids write her letters or phone....and 'EVERYONE' else she knows have family around them all the time.... (it's not true but when you point out the other ladies she knows her age who live alone in their homes and their kids all live out of town like I do....well...THAT'S somehow different! Because,you know...so and so's kid flies her to Calif several times a year and PAYS for it.... or so and so's kids come every weekend from out of town to 'do things' for her.... Heck...it's impossible! I 'do things' for her....I am there at least twice a month, Pay all her bills, talk to her at least 3 times a day, follow up on all that she wants as much as I can tolerate doing....etc. She is NOT neglected! I do not pay for things for her, but I use her funds to get her what she needs or wants. She has more money in the bank than we do by A LOT!! She's burned out her welcome with so many people because she is so negative. I am the only kid left....and I become her captive audience because I am the POA and the responsible one. But NO...I am NOT divorcing my husband and moving in with her for the rest of her life just to make her happy because I well know she will never be happy. I've even asked her to describe a happy time in her life...and she cannot1 It's hard for me, and I imagine for the others here....because, at least for me....I tend to 'make my day happy'....to realize it's up to me whether I am going to get up and DO something or sit on a 'pity pot' and waste my life away....And I just see the brighter side of everything that I can. But, boy....the negative person is very tiring!

Oh, and by the way.. recently my son pointed out how negative I was being and I didn't even realize it. Hahahaha... that was pretty interesting.

Perhaps it's easy to see when someone else is being negative, but I for sure don't catch myself from being negative too. So, I will keep trying to be careful not to do exactly what my Mom did, although clearly I didn't notice it in myself as easily as my son noticed it.

I learned a long time ago that negative responses saved our lives in the past. For example, being scared of bears... We'd get scared and run!

So, negative responses are naturally VERY strong in humans. Positive responses were not necessarily life saving.

As our parents, and also ourselves, start approaching death, perhaps we become more scared.

My dear, sweet Mom, who was able to make it through WWII in a hospital ship in the Pacific became a completely different person during the last two years of her life, especially in regards to her treatment of me... the person closest to her and the one who was basically keeping her alive.

While I was experiencing her negativity it was overwhelmingly difficult, but I thought then and even more now that she was scared. I talked with her about it, and she tried to rein it in, but was often unsuccessful and continued to be pretty awful to me at times.

I will say again, what someone here told me. Hug your person every day if you can. Tell him or her that you love them every day. One day they will be gone and you will never be able to do or say those kind things again. For as long as I live, I remember that I did tell my Mom that I loved her and I hugged her when I could... even though she was overwhelmingly negative to me.

I am working on forgetting her fear and negativity and I am comforted by the fact that I was as kind as I could be during her last few years of life.

Bless you for your kindnesses.

Having read the book: Boundaries, written by two doctors....I learned new ways of dealing with my mother, who has been negative, unhappy and critical all her life, but is much worse in her older age, and WAY MORE now, with my father placed in memory care and her life 'upside-down'.....I ignore her when I cannot get to first base. If she just goes on and on re: a particular theme, I will simply say, " Well...Mom, what could you do about that? What other decisions could be made?" She tends to immediately shut up or change the subj because, as it shows me, she would rather complain than actually think about a solution. When she criticizes others (she is big on noticing everyone's else's faults and comment on strangers....OR even family....who are 'too fat' for example)...I'll just say, " You know, I wouldn't talk about anyone else's situation unless I were quite sure I was perfect by comparison" or something like that. My mother is 4'10" and weighs 95 lbs and prides herself on 'not eating'....but she is a 'dried up wrinkled prune who is so unhealthy from years of not caring for herself and can hardly walk through a grocery store....so hard to understand her focus! I think it's to make her feel better about herself....but it's totally unnecessary talk. She is full of deciding what other people think and what they are dealing with or what decisions they are making, but SHE couldn't decide which piece of mail to toss in the trash without asking me! Since Dad left, she has complained constantly about every place he's been in...about all the caregivers, about what time he gets to eat and why the meal times vary by 30 minutes....and whether the staff got him dressed the way she thinks is correct and even down to how they do not do the laundry the way SHE thinks it should be done. She expects ME to call and complain about all these things daily, but NOT tell them SHE complained!! So, I've learned to not call them and to work with them to appease her in the important areas...but she's going to complain. I tell her we could bring Dad home with her and bring in caregivers to help and then she would know what was happening all the time. THAT shuts her up because she wants to assume no responsibility herself. She wants to tell everyone else what to do so she can blame them if she doesn't like how it turns out! I'm on to that one. Calling the bluff by putting the decision or responsibility back on the complainer shuts her up for sure. The book is great. I got it on Amazon, but it's also easily available. I can't remember the authors names but if anyone wants, I'll go find it.

My mom is dealing with a lot of anger after my dad passed away. It has been 18 months and she is still angry and depressed. She deals with her anger in much the same way, being distant and critical. This is really difficult, as this is not 'my mom'. She is also unwilling to try counseling, but I think it would help her if she was willing to go.

My mom does this. She always has and, apparently, always will. She is in her comfort zone when she is negative. She views her attitude as 'realistic'. But the rest of us see it as excruciatingly negative. We can't change her. People have to change themselves. If they don't see the necessity of change, there's nothing to be done for it on our part. My way of coping: when Mom gets in uber-negative mode, I find something else to do, away from her. I make it a point not to share in the negativity. It is a bitter path and I don't want to follow it.

I agree with LisaRose - I think they enjoy complaining. Mostly looking for attention. And it definetly runs in families - favorite topics of conversation within Mom's family - their latest ailments (Sometimes one more of them talking on and on about their "sugar" levels is really a turn off).
It doesn't do any good trying to be sympathetic - just encourages them to go on and on about their health issues.
I try to change topic or just say matter-or-factly "I don't know what causes that. I'm no doctor and wouldn't want to be." And then I go find something else to do. It's hard to complain without an audience. (Kind of like a kid throwing a tantrum - not much fun with no audience.)

Maybe your mom is just unhappy. I work as a home healthcare nurse and I also cared for my dad in my home for 5 years and it's been my experience that many elderly people are miserable. They're sick, they're old, they need help doing very basic things that they've done all their lives. Even my dad, who was the most optimistic person I ever knew, broke down in tears frequently toward the end of his life because he didn't want to be living "this way".

If your mom doesn't have dementia she may be lashing out just because she's very unhappy. I find that to be true with most people. If someone is berating a waitress or snapping at the clerk at the convenience store or being rude to the person in line in front of them at Walmart I always assume that the person is unhappy in their lives and in their hearts.

Well, if she does not have a mental condition which has been diagnosed, she could be depressed. Negative attitudes come to light in this condition, and a person can rarely see anything positive in the world. Get her to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. You don't have to listen and tell her you won't until she seeks professional help, or at least can explain why she is so negative. Eating poorly or mostly sweets, drinking alcohol, and taking drugs are all going to affect one's behaviors. Best of health to you and her.

Sometimes people find it easier to deal with life staying "down" so that when things come along that disappoint them, they were "down there" anyway and the fall isn't so far and difficult.