Hello, I know I can't be a lone with this issue, but it sure feels like it!
First, yes my brother and I have power of attorney medical & financial with my mother.
My issue- My 95 yr. old Step Father ( asked for help from his family out of state, who never visit and they won't help) has turned against me. He believes things that are not true, which has really created a mess. Now, when my husband and I offer help on my Mother's house or assistance with my Mom, he says no to everything. He asked us to move closer ( we moved from out of state and now live 2 hrs. away) and now he doesn't want us in his life.
Example - I just asked my mom if she would like to celebrate my birthday and we can get facials together near my house. Of course she said yes. She is the sweetest person I have ever known. I also want to take her to the Dr.'s. She has a pain in her leg. She asked her husband and he said no. She just listens to every "no" now. It is so sad and I just get angry and frustrated. I can't stand the man now. This is just getting worse with time. So now I have to wait until he gets into a car crash and kills them or others or she falls because he won't let me put safety bars in the house or turn on the air conditioner that reads 87 degrees when I walk in? This is insane.
"Don't interfere!" Is a common complaint.
He *may* open up - if instead of taking anything over, he hears you want to THANK him for such good care of your Mother so far.
Hopefully then, he may hear your suggestion to lighten their load - of boring or back-breaking tasks. Message: they earned it! To take some weight off YOU Sir! Delegate some boring or back teaking tasks to a house-cleaner or yard-person.
I have no idea to whether his thinking is ok, slightly impaired or getting paranoid. It may be he is overwhelmed & stressed. So he is shutting people out. Just him & his wife, at home, like always.
He may not be ready to let you drive his bus (& he may never.. ) but if you gain his trust, he *may* let you up front to help steer.
It has happened on this forum where children, who have POA, have taken a parent out of the home and left the Step-parent for their children to care for.
Unless then, this is the way it is.
Their marriage is, I would guess, not a lot different than it has always been.
Am I correct here? Or has her husband, the father and dad in this situation, suddenly had a turning and become a cruel ogre?
I think that it is divisive to get in the middle of a marriage at end of life. I don't think you will win the struggle and think it may, in fact, cause a great deal of pain to the mom in this situation who is being asked at this age to run interference between a controlling husband, and her son and his wife.
Just my opinion.
Perhaps discuss with Dad how to plan a wonderful birthday for his wife. Ask him what you can get, what you can bring, if you can help him find a gift and etc.
Would be my advice.
I am certain there's much here I don't know.
But, yeah, ultimately you may be up against waiting for him to die if he's as horrific as you say he is and she is unwilling to stand up to him. It's a bit late for her to start that now.
It is, I will agree with you. Very sad. Just try not to make it worse for her. For all involved.
Try to corner Dad alone and say "Dad, I am trying to figure out decoration for a cake for Mom's BD. Any ideas?"
And you are right. You aren't alone. We have mixed families complaining quite a lot here. As Dr Laura likes to say, it isn't so much a mixed salad as a tossed ones when parent remarry.