Elderly parents trying to force themselves into your home; do I start calling senior living places now?

I began a search early on. I visited assisted care and independent retirement situations. When mom failed I knew which places I felt comfortable with. Make some calls. You do need to have control of their money to make this work. My mom ,a year earlier, put me in place as her Durable POA In case her memory failed {and it did}. Our state allows online forms and notarizing as sufficient so no lawyer expenses were needed. I have control of where she goes and I pay her bills with her finances. This has worked beautifully. P.S. my mom wanted to leave with my brother...he said no. Mom told me years ago she would never live with me. When her memory failed I honored her previous instructions.....so sadly that meant a facility. Good luck..

Talk to their doctor Firstly as they would need to FIRST be evaluated. It is a screening. Go from there....

My mum wouldn't do anything to help herself or make things better for herself. It came to a head when she was ill and needed care so we moved her nearer to her family. I found a lovely warden assisted flat in a lovely block near to me with a nice communal room and activities. But she wouldn't even go and look at it and wouldn't discuss it. The upshot of it all is that she lived with my sister until my sister died then automatically came to me and it's not been good. I would advise you to make the decisions for your parents and almost treat them like stubborn children. Be firm and don't give in. I will never ever expect my children to have me live with them as I don't want to affect their lives as much as my mum has. It's unfair and very selfish.

You may need to be really blunt and consistently blunt. Until it is accepted. Elderly parents are like children and will keep pushing you to get what they want. The frustration is we can't manage them. Good luck!

I spent over 5 years making a ten to twelve hour drive dealing with elder parent crisis. So yes, a facility near you is much better if you can pull it off.

Heres the thing though. After years of begging, arguing and pleading with my folks to prepare for the future, look at some assisted living places etc., I came to realize it wasn’t going to happen. I could only do as much as they would allow. I quite fighting about it and began waiting for the crisis that would force the issue.

And that was A bad fall mom had, put her in the hospital for three days , I then moved her directly to assisted living and tricked dad into moving in with her 4 days later.

Mom wanted to call a lawyer. I gave her my phone and the yellow pages but she had no idea how to use an iPhone. I offered to call for her. She took a nap instead.

So my advice is quit killing yourself trying to persuade them of anything. Not gonna happen. Do what you can and wait them out. I know it sounds callous but that’s the reality in for most of us.

Near you. Because eventually, even in a facility, they will end up in the hospital and you will need to be nearby in order to advocate for them.

Do you have any siblings?

Initally, we kept mom close to where she lived (in the two years she was in Independent living, not a single friend came to visit). When she had a stroke, since the two of us who lived closest was still an hour away, mom was on her own in the ER; she couldn't speak, but she was able to nod/shake her head to all of their questions. She endorsed being diabetic, among other things and already had an order for insulin by the time my brother got there. You have NO idea how hard it is to get that discontinued.

On the other hand, being close by is going to mean that your mother will insist you visit and do stuff for her. Just make sure you have those boundaries up!

My mom used to call us for burned out lightbulbs, ants inthe kitchen...

"mom, you have STAFF!" I used to say. She'd say "oh, I don't want to bother them..." I told her that for 5K per month, she could bother them.

I am 53 have many local friends my age and work in real estate. Among friends and situations I have run across in my 30-year real estate career, I have seen many poor souls take in the aging mom/aging parent(s). I have yet to see one instance with good results. Always the same story - it started out with good intentions and ended poorly.

I met a property owner a few years ago who had converted his garage to an in-law apartment for his wife's parents (had gone into debt to do so). He said the parents moved in and fought 24/7, including physical. He said it was shocking and they did not know the parents' marriage was like that. He said it was hard to get them out of the house and living somewhere else. Now he was stuck with this strange room in his house and he told me: "Don't EVER move a parent into your home!!!" He seemed so broken.

I think Kimber166 laid it all out perfectly for you with her comment. Tough as it will be to keep repeating yourself 1000x, think how much tougher it will be to get the folks OUT of your house once your mother weasels her way in! Don't let it happen; stand your ground. FIRMLY.

And, in the meantime, go out and look at some senior living complexes, preferably with a continuum of care available. They may be able to start out in Independent Living and then move into Assisted Living when the time comes. If there's a waiting list, get their names onto it NOW. It can't hurt, right? Then, if one of them gets hospitalized and goes to rehab, and rehab refuses to send them back to independent living (which happened with my dad), then you can segue them right into the place you have lined up!! I was faced with an emergency situation back in 2014 and by the grace of God, my father was totally agreeable to being placed in Assisted Living after his release from rehab. It was my mother, as usual, who was fighting me tooth & nail on everything. She's still living in an ALF to this very day, in the Memory Care section, 5 years after killing my dad off, oh........I mean, after my dad passed away (gratefully).

Wishing you the best of luck dealing with such a tough situation

You don’t say much about your parents current mental and medical conditions. I was left as the last man standing for my elderly parents a few years ago. I could see the train wreak coming down the tracks. I visited all the care facilities in their area and had a very good idea of costs, services provided and processes to move them.

The S hit the fan about 2 years later. Long story but it was clear it was too dangerous for them to be in their home and the house was rundown. No caregiver would have wanted to be there, not that my parents would have allowed it anyway.

luckily, a nice facility I had visited had stayed in touch with me, calling about once a month. They of course want to keep their facility full. I was able to very quickly get my folks moved. It was hell but I did it.

BTW, I was two states away and they weren’t about to move in with me and my wife. Mom hinted at it a bit but dad would never move from his little farm. So I didn’t have that battle.

and if you haven’t already done so start looking at their finances, getting POA etc. Start laying track now. I was as prepared as humanly possible but it was still overwhelming making the move to assisted living with my parents.

I have had to have this discussion more than once with my mom - and like your parents - she ignored my comments. Boundaries are for YOU. My mom does not respect my boundaries - i ENFORCE them. It is to protect you, not change your mom.

Finally I said "you must listen. I've told you over and over that we do not plan to have you live with us. you need to be making plans for your next phase in life - where daily living becomes more difficult. It is not living with me"

Yelling, screaming, having relatives call - etc. Then, a few months later - the hints about us getting a bigger house with an inlaw apartment - so i laughed "good one- ha ha ha" and then had the conversation AGAIN. Again all of the drama. I stopped feeling guilty and started feeling angry.

It finally hit home when she was almost evicted for not paying her rent (i refused to bail her out yet again when she blew through her SS) and for harassing others in her building (threatening to call ICE) and in a panic she called me to come and get her and her things because she had to leave the building. I asked "where have you lined up to live" and her answer "you'll have to take me I have no where else" and I said "no - we've talked about this. Call me when you have your new place lined up" and click - i hung up.

Again the phone calls from relatives, neighbors, tears, screaming. ETC. Even my sister - "we have to take mom in" and i told her "go for it, but i'm not taking her when you get sick of it".

Well, mom called and begged the building to let her stay but i think that she "gets" that i'm not having her here. Now she whines about how she can help me if she lives with me. to which i reply that when our son goes to college we plan on downsizing to an apartment and might even move out of state. More tears at my insensitivity.

The point i'm trying to make with my story - is that your parent will pull out all of the stops over and over trying to get their way. You might feel guilty and let them move in. Then you'll be writing on this forum about how stressful it is, how you have no time or privacy, how your parent is taking over your home, and how you regret taking that parent in. Some parents would be different, but if your parent ignores your boundaries and your wishes, that is the type of parent that will be hell to live with.

NO is a complete sentence. Good luck.

Km, the thing about boundaries is that they are for YOU. So many folks here say, "well, but my parents don't accept my boundaries".

Don't expect them to be happy, accepting or for them to move on easily. They may well be aghast, upset, cry, threaten, bargain, pull out Fear, Obligation and Guilt. They may call ALL of the relatives, friends, allies and say "can you imagine...after ALL we've done for her..."

Nope, dont buy it, don't own, don't go to that dance. Don't explain, don't try to convince. Don't be swayed by inheritance or promises. If your gut says no, it's no.

Just "No, mom and dad, that does not work for me and my family. You will need to make other arrangements. I'm happy to help with the arrangements but the choices need to be yours".

yes

I think with Narc tendancies, as they want the power, you can hit the ball back into their court. Make it their choice. Coz their choice is always right afterall..

Well you can't live here of course - how funny to think that! What do you think will suit YOU best? A lovely condo by the beach? A gorgeous little apartment with hired help? A sweet little villa in a village?

Kmifree, begin to strengthen your fences now; I had several years of propping up my "independent", demanding mother - until someone pointed it out to me. Been working on boundaries ever since (it will probably be ongoing for you as well as for me), but it gets easier all the time. Wednesday it was, "No, I cannot come and clean up the mess you made from your incontinence; maintenance offered to do it for extra money? Pay them; sounds good to me." No more calls about it (or anything else), until today. I asked how it went, and all got handled, by paid caregiver and apt maintenance. Works for me. Isthisreallyreal said their emergency becomes your emergency - if you let it.

I agree. Sit them down and look them in the eye and say "living with me is not an option so you need to consider other options ". You may want to throw in there too that don't plan on you being their caregiver.

Your parents will try to guilt you into opening your home to them. It might be easier to ignore their calls and to stop thinking that they will respect your boundaries. They will NOT respect your boundaries, and will keep pushing until you allow them to enter your home.

If they "visit," then they will need to stay in a hotel. It will be difficult emotionally for you to stand-up to them, but you can, remember you never need to explain NO. Just keep repeating NO, Nope NO, NO, nope,nope. no, no, no. NO!

Failure to plan on their part does not constitute an emergency on yours.

You are already trying to own their emergency. I recommend planning how you are going to keep it off your plate when and if it ever comes.

Maybe a frank conversation about the whole situation. Tell them that you perceive that you are their plan. Make it clear, so they can plan, that you are not plan a, b or c. You're not even on the plan except to advocate for them.

My dad was always trying to manipulate me into agreeing to take care of him in his old age. I would tell him that I would find him a good home. That's it. Then he was surprised and angry when he found out that I meant what I said. Oh well! I told him and it is fully on him that he chose not to listen or believe.

I do think that you should have a sit down, face to face conversation and make it clear that you are not going to be having them move in. If you do this, you won't feel nearly as bad when you are in the midst of an emergency and you have to say no.

Thanks everyone. I’m going to wait for an opportunity to bring this up again. Also I am going to look into how some of these home care agencies work. I hear what your saying on letting it be their responsibility but I don’t want to be backed into a corner in an emergency situation. It will just be my backup plan!

Just don't let them set foot in your home - getting them out may well be a lot harder than letting them in even for a visit. If you see them make sure it is at their home. If you find a poor state in the home take photos and keep them in case something happens so you can show it is not fit for them to go back to. By all means contact care companies and get information on services, (in duplicate so you can leave a set with them - but shows you have tried). If necessary contact local state offices and report (anonymously if you like) that there is a couple who cannot manage and are at risk. Obviously there is a timing issue to consider as to when you need to take action but being prepared and not getting guilt tripped or side tracked from your decisions are good things to do to make sure you don't end up in a situation that is unacceptable to you or worse still harmful to your health.

Agree with what AlvaDeer said but I'd like to add this. If you have them come for a visit, make sure there is an exit plan (or better yet, a hotel reservation). I read online recently (I don't believe it was this forum) that a woman had her widowed father for a visit and when she asked for his return plans, he answered "I'm not going back. I live here now." Don't risk that situation, whatever you do!

Km, let's say there is an emergency. Dad falls, goes to hospital. Hospital says " we can only discharge him if there isx24/7 care".
This is NOT YOUR EMERGENCY and you are not required to move them into your home.

You say "they dont have money for 24/7 care and I cannot house him/them. What do you suggest?".

It is the job of discharge planning at the hospital to discharge to a safe environment. If they can't afford home care, they go on medicaid and go to a nursing home.

If they'd like to avoid having to be placed in the first available bed, they need to do some planning now.

Adult children are neither a retirement nor a care plan.

Thanks everyone. I’m going to wait for an opportunity to bring this up again. Also I am going to look into how some of these home care agencies work. I hear what your saying on letting it be their responsibility but I don’t want to be backed into a corner in an emergency situation.

I am with Barb and Geaton here. And I really like what Geaton said " I believe in informing them of what their future holds if they DON'T plan: if no PoA is assigned now, then guardianship by the county and family has no say, no control. No savings? Then Medicaid."

YOU decide who lives in your home. You can make that clear to them, but if they are as entitled as you say, they may show up on your porch some day. Make sure that you are strong enough to say "no, I can't possibly invite you in".

If one of them ends up in the hospital, make sure that you are in touch with discharge planning as soon as they land there. They might (like my grandma did in 1965 when she broke her hip) say gleefully to discharge "oh, my daughter will care for me; I"m going to be an invalid" (this was said almost gleefully--my mom had a two year old and two more school age children. Mom said "Hell no". I learned how to do this at my mom's knee).

Make it clear to everyone involved in discharge that you are NOT in a position to care for them yourself. You DON'T need an excuse. You are NOT legally or morally obliged to provide a place for them to live or hands on care.

Affirming what AlvaDeer expressed. How old are your parents? Also, if you make the plan then they blame you when they're unhappy with it. If you pick the place they blame you, etc. Personally, I believe in informing them of what their future holds if they DON'T plan: if no PoA is assigned now, then guardianship by the county and family has no say, no control. No savings? Then Medicaid. Mom and Dad, some of the better senior communities may have waiting lists so maybe start looking into that, etc. Hopefully your parents are not already sliding past the cognitive impairment line, but unless you visit them in person there's no sure way to tell (or you can conduct your own *non diagnostic* test by asking them specific questions, like who is the President, what season are we in, today's date, etc). Even if they show up on your doorstep with suitcases, take them to the nearest extended stay hotel. When my ding-dong in-laws made no plans and saved no money and then were shocked SHOCKED! that we weren't going to take care of them and pay for everything I informed them this was the retirement they planned for. Not planning IS their plan and your parents must live with it. Let us know how it goes! Good luck!

No, you leave it to them to do so. If you continue to do their "stuff" for them, why would they stay independent? Would it not be a message that you will "take care of things?"
Keep the boundaries up. Suggest, when anything is said, that they need to begin to look into living situations now, or it will be more difficult later for them. Continue to reinforce "NOT AN OPTION" . That's all you can do, and see to it you NEVER take them in even temporarily.
It is much like having a young person , your child ready to leave home, but still intent on you doing stuff for them. You need to break the cord. They need to do things on their own and understand that they will never cross the boundaries you set. There is in fact a book specifically named Boundaries. Start forming them now.