My parents live in filth but refuse help, what can I do?

"Bouts of altered reality" suggest psychosis. An actual formal examination might help determine if the "articulate, verbal" part is just semi-oriented banter and bluster versus really being sharp and able to stay on top of anything. And if she is truly legally competent, such that APS can't do anything and you can't get guardianship, you'd have the option of calling the Health Department for hazardous and unsanitary conditions.

I now see that she is 65, so she qualifies as a senior and in need of a doctor with geriatric training.

((((((hugs)))))) jennie. You are in a very tough situation. Can you contact APS in her area and see what they say, or the police for a wellness check? Could you contact her doctor and detail your concerns? You might go to your local agency for aging and/or social services and discuss your mum's problems with them.

Hoarding is increasing as a problem and gets worse as people age. Your mother has significant mental health issues. Concern for and research about hoarding is growing these days. No matter how articulate she is she has mental illness. It would be a good idea to document what is happening.

Hoarders are generally treated with cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and antidepressants. If your mum is having times of altered reality she likely needs something like an anti psychotic too. Do you think there is any chance that she is developing dementia? To me this is far more a medical issue than a legal one though applying for guardianship may be advisable at some point. It sounds like she is unable to make wise or even safe decisions for her own care.

You don't say how old she is. She needs a thorough, possibly, geriatric neuropsych evaluation and then the recommended treatment. She probably needs hospitalization for that to occur, then follow up out in the community. Does anyone have POA for her? If she falls or has any episode that requires a trip to the ER you can intervene then, talk to the doctors and ask for an eval. Have your documentation ready for that. If she is having an episode of altered reality I suspect you could call the paramedics to take her to the ER. It would be a good idea to find out under what conditions you can call for her to be taken to the ER.

Likely eventually some health problem will result in her going to hospital. It is better if you are prepared for that. A doctor may say she is not safe too be released to go home alone. If this happens do not take her from the hospital. As I understand it, if there is no one to care for her they then are obliged to find her a placement. Hope you can put a plan together. My mother was out of control with a personality disorder and dementia. The right things started happening once the proper professionals were involved, in particular, a geriatric psychiatrist. Up until that, things were pretty crazy.

Good luck to you. You are not alone.

I have a particularly difficult situation regarding my 65 year old mother. She lives in Texas and I'm out of state and am her only living family. Her current living situation is harmful for both her mental and physical health, yet she refuses to change (won't sell home, won't allow people to clean, demands independence). Hoarder to the extreme, failing hygiene, and smokes more than anyone on the planet.

She is battling with mental illness such as PTSD and severe anxiety and has bouts of altered reality but is incredibly articulate and bright. I don't believe that I'll be able to force her into making any changes from a legal standpoint. So far, no lawyer will even have a meeting with me, as there is no way a judge would ever consider to not understand what is going on. She knows exactly what she is doing.

I'm unsure if anyone can improve her situation but I would appreciate any opinions. I just know that if I don't act in some way now, she will die in this huge falling down house... I'm open to any suggestions / resources, especially if you are familiar with Texas (Houston area).

Warm regards,
Jennie

My brother is not well congestive heart, he is not keeping himself bathed and his house has flys and nats and filth everywhere. He eill not let me come in his house slams the dore on me. He drink alot and for food calls a restraunt to bing him cooked food. What can I do to get him out of that filthy place.

I have a Mother 84 who can or will not bath herself. Has many cats living in cages in separate rooms (males in one, females in the other) & 2-3 large dogs, (she's helping one of her grandchildren who now lives in an apt where he can not keep them.) and lives in a 3 bedroom Mobile home; now, (today) all the plumbing in plugged up and the home is full of feces, roach's & trash just plain filth, stuff in piles everywhere. She called one of us to ask for help with this problem because the home where she is living is leased and if she contacts the manager, maintenance will see she what she has done to this home and kick her out and probably call heath & human services and who knows how that will turn out. (Example: makes a peanut butter sandwich and lays the knife on the counter for days. Or in a sink full of cold soapy water and dishes piled to the top (which have been there for so long it's anybody's guess, her system is: it gets cleaned when she needs something.) with roach's running every which way. and roach feces/droppings everywhere on counters, up the walls, across floors, etc. And their 's lot more. When I talk with her about this situation she's in. she refuses to discuss it. Asking me to leave. And now She won't let me back in. Then picks on my other younger sibling's, (6 of us.) of which the last 3-4 who stayed with her as children where indoctrinated into thinking this lifestyle (yes it's been getting worst for the past 30 years after Dad died, who lived in it but less of it too. whos answer was to stayed away as much as he could each day.) is kind of normal,... (for mom at least.) In Indiana contacting Adult Protective Services where each adult child no matter where they live are equally responsible for the health and well being of their parents (according to Indiana law) and if we do not heed the recommendations of the department we can each be charged equally with neglect and or abuse of an elder. What am I going to do?

This story is so close to what i am experiencing it sounds like I wrote it. My mother is 92, hoards everything, peas from her bedroom to the bathroom, won't wear disposable underwear, won't use potty chair, dirt is knee deep, no where to sit, hates for me to come over because I clean from the time i get there until l leave (you can't tell), she thinks everything is fine and demands that i leave her stuff along. When i saw her bed and bedroom today I knew this was the last straw, i must forget this bleeding heart love your mother stuff and get some help NOW! I called a social service agency on today (Saturday) and await a return call on Monday. They are aware of my mother's case. I am going to do what I have to in order to get her some help. She is unable to continue living on her own but she thinks she can. She refuses to leave her home for anything because she knows i am coming with a dumpster. She will not listen to the voice of reason regarding anything. It's her way or no way. However, I cannot in good conscious let her continue to live in filth and piss. I am an only child and I have got to do what needs to be done.

i was told by the adult protective services that there was nothing I could do. If it was a conscious choice made by the elderly adult. I can not force my grandmother to leave her home although there is not functioning bathroom, black mold is in the house and the smell of the house is unbearable. I'm in shock that this can be allowed in this day and age. I got the same answers from the Health Dept. They said unfortunately, a functioning bathroom is not a requirement and black mold and strong odors are not reasons to condemn a house.

*Have their MAIL forwarded to you. No idea why that word was left out!

BTDT. Hoarder mom, dementia, extreme anger with anyone who tried to help, clean, or organize anything. She insisted it was all fine. The house reeked to high heaven of rotting food, there were enormous piles of clothes everywhere, on every piece of furniture. Exploded canned food, mouse/rat poop everywhere. Every single surface was sticky. There are not words in the English language to accurately describe her bathroom. The APS people in my mom's home county did not catch on to any of these signals. The pile of rotting dishes and flies weren't clues either.

Sometimes you get great people with APS, sometimes they are overworked, understaffed, and just have lost perspective on what need looks like. Sometimes they are just duds who are not qualified to do the job.

Mom & dad need a cognitive eval of their activities of daily living and a neuro-psych eval. If it's as bad you describe, they are NOT FINE for the time being. You can wait until a crisis happens to force change or you can start to make change happen proactively. Call APS to make a report of vulnerable adults in unsafe housing. Call their doctor and get help, if they will cooperate. If that doc won't play ball, find another one.You will need durable power of attorney with you to get past the HIPAA and privacy restrictions.

I had to be the bad daughter and make change happen. Mom was not safe and that was the real driver behind everything. Expect a fight. Expect complaining and push-back. Expect every excuse under the sun to delay, delay, delay. You still have to do what is necessary to make them safe.

Have their forwarded to you first, so you can see what the state of the bills and other important things are. You can do this online at the USPS website. Cancel as much extra as you can - newspapers, magazines, memberships, catalogs, etc. This is an easy step to take since mom & dad don't have to see it happening and have feelings about it.

Mom & Dad need to be somewhere else so you can deal with the house. This is a perfect time to get them into assisted living based on their care needs. It might be easier on everyone if they go stay somewhere and not have to see their things being touched, moved, thrown, and donated or sold. In their minds, their house is still as they left it.

I tried to do this with mom underfoot and it was painful and overly slow at best. I should have done this in two stages: 1-move Mom, 2-deal with house & stuff.
I didn't have that much time off though, so it had to be in one go. Losing her precious, precious piles was like an amputation for her.

I had already toured and picked a place ahead of time. The movers were scheduled. It was a done deal without her involvement. Move day came, her stuff (way too much of it) went on the truck. She went in my car, and we hit the road. 1800 miles and 3 days later, she was at my house. Almost a month after that she was in her senior apartment. Her choice in all this was which apartment do you want - left side or right side of the hallway?

She had 20 meals in the dining room each month, the option to have it brought to her, an on-site doctor, dentist, PT, beauty shop, gift shop, field trips & activities out the wazoo. Free wifi and 55 Dish channels. An emergency cord in the bathroom and a lifealert necklace around her neck. A few weeks in, we added on medication setup & dispensing services.

Expect a prolonged adjustment period. Especially if mom & dad don't have that living away from home in a dorm/apartment experience in their past. You might not see the first signs of adjustment from either of them for 3-6months, or they could just adapt right away. There's no way to know ahead of time.

Doing nothing is not an option here. This website armed me with action steps, knowledge, and my "intervention kit" that I needed to pull all this off. I am lucky not to have brothers/sisters to get in the way, but it sure would have been nice to have more hands on the tiller, so to speak.

Mom is now safe. She wants to go home, which is normal. She has forgotten why she had to move up here. She has forgotten why she can't be alone anymore. But, she is safe, eating better than ever, is clean, and never alone.

Thanks for sharing, Chimonger. I've been so surprised to learn how many people on here have gone through such similar things as I am with my parents, and much worse in many cases. I feel for you and the others and my heart goes out to you all. I am very glad to hear neither you nor anyone else was injured when you went in with the gas on! Very scary stuff!

Seriously, if elders are living in unsafe conditions, like mega-hoarding, they might be OK for a time, but at one point or another, they will be endangered, &/or will endanger others, as well. Mom and her DH were doing --ok-- [not well, but getting by] in their hoarded heaps.
I figured, it came under "endangering themselves or others"....if family had cooperated, she could have gotten better help, far sooner, but they didn't.

Mom and her DH were breaking a bunch of Codes, but everyone was looking the other way. Mom had suffered mental illnesses all her life, but people pretended things were fine, she was "just having moods". Even her suicide attempt and other threats never got family to get her helped. She's always managed to get by, even sometimes extraordinarily well, before reverting to major dysfunction.

When her DH had medical emergency, she didn't call EMT's she called a relative, who called 911.
They had to get him out of the piles.
She was moved to the relative's to be closer to her DH, and for transportation, but, she wanted to return to her place to get some things...and decided to take a bath--left the ancient heater running--totally out of character for her do to that.
The Fire Dept. had to respond, and traipsed thru the house to put it out.

During the next few days, we went to get some things from the place, and found the gas stove in the kitchen was on,filling the house with gas
---one of those entering was smoking--coulda blown us all to smithereens. Not to mention, it would have created a wild fire that could have devastated the neighborhood, in that dry climate.

She was only allowed back to her place to stay for very short times to get some things, or with others, supervising....
But it was not any officials who told her to keep out, and no notices got posted ---we told her that because of the fire, & because of the messes, etc., it was unsafe, & now that firemen had seen that, they'd report it, & the place was soon to be condemned....she believed it.
And it was probably true--if we had not prevented her returning there, they likely would have condemned the place real fast.
It's many, many kinds of miracles that place wasn't condemned decades earlier!

Lildeb - I'm so sorry to hear you and your family had to go through that. I do hope your parents are doing better in a safe place now. Thank you for sharing your story and for your advice and kindness. :)

I am sorry for what u r going through n I can relate big time!
A lot of people here shared some good ideas. However, I think Landysghost n hadenough really understands. For us children had to call Social service on our parents due to concern if they were a live. We were not allow in the trailer n I know now why. So we would all meet at my Aunts place which was still on my dad's property n we grew up in that trailer. They would make all kind of excuse however they both had a drinking problem too. Anyway, the Social worker couldn't do anything since the stepma seem she in her right mind n that according to the sm, they were okay. well, long story short, we wind up being the villains for 2-3 months afterward, no one could get them to answer the phone or come to the fence for they had some mean dogs. Fortunately, one of the bro's grab a huge stick n jump the fence n found the sm laying n the yard n not able to move n my dad was stuck between two refrigerators. supposedly he tripped over one of the dogs. The fire dept n ER took them to hospital n they were barely alive from not eating. Of course, u don't have that problem but the mess in the house was just to horrible to even described n that the ER people had to wear a mask to get through the filth! Luckily they were admitted n the trailer was 'condemn' due to 'fire hazardous.' That was only way we could get them out of their place. Also, if you can get a POA both health n financially go for it if u feel their safeness is at dangerous n it seems they may have some memory problem going on n need to see a physician. I hope this helps n please come back n let us know how things r going. Good luck

Dear didnotsighup;
I am so sorry you are having to go through this ordeal with your parents right now. Looks like you have alot of good counsel here, and yes I too believe that you need to get outside help from a social services organization. Get someone in their to see if they can agree with you about the environment not being a safe one along with an evaluation of their mental capacities. This is got to be very hard for you, and I pray that the Lord will give you His grace to do all that will be necessary for the welfare of your parents. ysic, t.

coco490 - I know what you mean; I have found myself arguing with him about the most ridiculous things and I catch myself and think 'What the heck am I doing??' You can't reason with the unreasonable; I try to always remember that now. I will definitely research what services are available to them at their income level and what might be covered by Medicare so I'll have my ducks in a row when I feel like it's time, which I hope is sooner rather than later (that Dad will tolerate it, I mean). Thanks again!

Money- If there really is none, check your options. There are agencys that cover costs based on income. They can own a home, a car, and get a reasonable SS and pension and still be eligble for help. If the doctor orders, CNA and other services are covered by Medicare. You don't have to go involve APS. The agency we use is called Alternatives for the Older Adult. They deliver meals, provide transportation, house cleaning. They operate a great day care. Really I get this! My Dad would come off with some angry irrational things you would not believe and the more I would argue, the more I would sound just like him! It included slamming doors, throwing things ...... I can't say you will be successful but don't give up before you exhaust your options.

ohjeezleweez - I'm right there with you now, I think. The urge to "force" them to let me clean is still there but the last couple of times I've been to their house I have resisted. Like you, I'll take out the trash, clean up after the dog, wipe down the toilet and let the rest be. I want so badly to get out the big trash bags and start filling them up with all the *stuff* they hoard, but I've finally come to realize what great stress that causes them both, especially my dad, and I just want to let them have some peace at this stage in their lives. I will continue to try to make some changes - taking some advice from commenters here - but in a less stressful way than I've tried to handle it in the past. 2donewithcrying - I think you're right; I have no plans to call APS anytime soon - hopefully never, unless it gets too desperate a situation for me to handle, but for now I'm going to buckle down and try again, in a more peaceful way, hopefully. I have to try to stop being so angry and try a different approach. Fingers crossed, I'll figure this out. (Maybe?!) FYI, for everyone, there is no money for in-home care, nor would my dad tolerate it for one second. Perhaps eventually he will be more accepting of it, but for now I'm afraid if I hired someone to even give it a try that person would run away screaming within minutes. Dad is very intimidating and I seem to be the only person in the world right now that can bring him back to calm when he starts to rage, and let me tell you it is no easy feat. I do realize there are professionals who are trained to deal with such things, but I don't want to put Dad or anyone else through that (yet, at least), and as I said, money is a definite issue.

You cannot tell Adult Protective Services that you will not be involved. I have gone through this and each adult child no matter where they live are equally responsible for the health and well being of their parents (according to Indiana law) and if we do not heed the recommendations of the department we can each be charged equally with neglect and or abuse of an elder. The last thing you want to do is contact Adult Protective Services. Make calls, talk to other people that you know that are goind through the same situation. We learned from our mistakes. We got our Mother 24/7 care and believe me we went through many caregivers and I am not pleased with one of them at the moment. It is like the saying it takes a village to raise a child, it is the same with an elder parent. Remember one thing, you must take care of yourself and your family first. It is terrible to say but our parents have lived their lives and with modern medicine they are living a lot longer and you cannot put your live on hold indefinetly, it will eventually take a toll on your physically and mentally. I wish you the very best and good luck.

Kinda guessing that "if an adult is of sound mind and making their own decisions" is a way to avoid the obvious.....and block more people from accessing needed services.
Hoarders are mentally ill--in what ways, needs to be determined.
Their piles of junk are literally their "safety zone", without which they feel terribly unsafe, vulnerable.
[[I wonder how many hoarders were badly abused/neglected as kids--forget about the Great Depression argument!]]

Those who live in filth, are NOT making logical, realistic choices, and could be endangering themselves or others.
But then, that is subjective---what's realistic in one's perspective, might not be so in another's.

Guess it comes down to, finding the "just right" language to use, to get the Workers/Systems to evaluate properly.

IF someone is unable to make good choices with money handling, fails to pay their bills despite having money to do it, lives in a rotting hoarded trailer instead of their hoarded house nearby, uses the yard to pottie in, starts having trouble dialing the phone properly, forgets things they normally knew, leaves pots and pans cooking unattended as they get sidetracked, leaves burners on, leaves heaters on that they normally would NEVER have left on, etc. ...
MAYBE those might be more effective descriptors to get the Systems to at least evaluate the elders!?

Dear didnotsignup ~ I, too, have a parent who is an AWFUL hoarder. Not kidding, she makes some of the people on the TV show look like amateurs. When her husband was alive, they were both in filth, but since his passing, it's just her and it is even worse. I have talked to case managers, adult protective services, county health department (and I work for Aging & Disability Services) and I have gotten the same answer: if she is of sound mind and can make her own decisions, then it is her decision to live in the filth and mess. It isn't easy, but knowing she has a bad heart and won't live as long as I would like her to, I have had to make peace with the mess and just hold my nose and go on in. I sit on a little wooden stool when I visit because I won't touch her nasty couch. I never eat anything there even though she offers every time (I won't even drink a soda because something else nasty may have been on it). I pick up the dog poo off the living room floor and take out her trash; keeping things down to at least having the rotting/stinkies out in the refuse can. The point is, there really may be nothing you can do. You have to decide what is more worth to you; your stomach/senses/sanity/etc or trying to enjoy them while you have them (by them I mean your parents, lol). My mother would get so angry when I would barge in on her and throw out her things. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it was hell for her. It caused her more grief than it was causing me and why should I keep trying to fix it? Cleaning up after a hoarder only works if they have decided they want to live differently. Otherwise, it is like digging holes at the shoreline at low tide. I know it is hard, believe me I do. For me, as I said, I would just rather enjoy the time I have with her and do whatever makes her happy while I have her. Believe it or not, she now will actually let me throw things out now, probably because I stopped trying to force her. I wish you the best, take care.

Sounds like they are losing their memory and very afraid and love you the most. Cut them some slack please and put yourself in their position. I know the stress, I live it too but they are old and cannot help it. I would hire a fulltime caregiver and visit as much as you can to stay in charge of it all for their sakes. good luck

Get a POA. Then start making some much needed decisions. It is very hard but you cannot keep going like you are. Sounds like they both need some meds. After you get the medical taken care of,then somehow get the house in order. If you cannot get sibling support then do what needs to be done. Then take a deep breath and bottle of wine!
Sounds like they might need some inhome care assistance so you can get that started,also. overwhelming,yes .

Your Dad seems to be having symptoms of dementia of some kind, UNLESS those behaviors have been going on for years.
Mom sounds like she's got some problems, too.
But regardless, they need some evaluation.
EVEN if they are great "show-timers", and even if your siblings don't think there is anything wrong-
--often, kids do not admit anything's haywire, because THEY don't want to deal with it, & if one of them does try to deal with it, the others get angry because it reflects badly on them--they are taking it personally, & that's inappropriate.

But you have to decide, also, if the family behaviors are something you can deal with--because they will fly back in your face, if you are the only one pushing to get the folks evaluated, or worse [according to them and sibs], removing them from their home to a facility.

Have you already kept a log/diary/calendar jotting down behaviors, words/statements, calls; & listing down, with dates, what Dad has said/done, that might indicate confusion, dementia, inability to manage finances, withdrawal from community previously active in, etc.?
That would be a real good thing--you could give that to their Doctors, as well as Social Workers doing any evaluations.

Elders [or anyone] who has behaviors
"that could endanger themselves or others",
could be evaluated to determine their level of abilities to care for themselves. USE that statement, or like it, that you are "worried for their safety and that of their neighbors".
That could involve APS, or Social Services, & could be started by:
Police doing "well-checks" [call the folks' 911 service so the calls are recorded & documented!], OR by calling Area Agency on Aging, OR by calling Social Services via DSHS [welfare].

Keep them in their own home for this evaluation, while locating proper care & shelter for them, it's really important--if they are removed from their place first, whoever has them, is now the one left "holding hte bag" for providing caregiving.

AVOID taking them under your roof, unless you are willing to put up with Dad's hoarding, filth, rages, etc.
When elders are hoarding and having angry outbursts at any who clean, they are not going to welcome in-home caregivers, either.
It could pose danger to home health workers/caregivers, faced with an elder having anger outbursts, as that becomes "he said, she said"; the caregiver invariably LOSES.
Elders having angry behaviors at Caregivers, need to be in a more public caregiving setting, where multiple witnesses can document and make sure who is saying/doing what, to whom.

The Folks' place was epic-hoarded. They lived in a rotting camp trailer in the yard, plugged into the electric, and the hose. Potty was the yard [it was large enough, but still...!!!]. They didn't want anyone do anything that actually got rid of junk, until the bitter end. They put up great shows of their abilities to keep on as they had been.
Then, he went into hospital; there was a fire; yet, even with all that, City never evicted, posted notice of unfit habitation, nor called Social Services.
Mom could show-time like a trooper.
The Fire Department even had to pull fire hoses all thru the not just hoarded, but filthied house, to get at the fire, yet apparently didn't report it to Social Services.
But that was the end of it. They had to leave that place, and that allowed others to get in and clear out the junk so the place could be sold.

Officials REALLY avoid starting any process that moves an elder into a facility, until it can't be avoided.
They really want families to deal with it.
Systems do not like to assess anyone as dementia'd or deficient: it would be removing the elder's autonomy, preventing them "aging in place", & it cost$ the $ystem$ hugely.
There are plenty reasons elders evade diagnosis, evaluations, & getting needed help--beyond fractious families.

It seems "the way things are" is not quite working well. There needs to be better ways to do things; changes are happening, but not fast enough for todays' elders.
There is no pleasant way to live through what families put themselves through, either.
I just hope that we all gradually learn how to deal with things far better.
Maybe we're seeing the current age changing to "better", now--it's just a rough ride!

Agree with hadenough, also if you don't have POA, download one and get them to sign it ,and have it notarized. Do this before you take them to doctors, because once it determined that they have dementia, I believe their signature may not be valid.

coco490 - Oh my goodness... I hope neither your teenager nor your father was injured. :( I am feeling encouraged now to take some kind of control one way or another. This site is wonderful.

ShadowChild1 - I'm so sorry for you! I know what you mean about refusing to eat there even if I bring the food myself. I just can't do it. And, yes my parents also present differently to the outside world; they are dressed to the tee when they go to church and to see them in those beautiful clothes you would imagine them living in a beautiful well-kept home. Um, no. Thank you for the idea of having some else "visit" and make a report. That might work, but I fear they will still suspect me as I have been so vocal in expressing my disgust about their filth in the past. (I no longer do that, btw). Good luck to you with your mother; I wish you and your family all the best.

If nothing else, you can certainly be assured your situation is not unique. Many families face the same situtation. You hand the car keys to your teenager, tell them to be careful and you get a - Don't worry mom, I'm always careful. Three hours later they call with the news that they rear ended someone's new SUV. You tell your Dad to use his walker and he tells you he doesn't need it because he's not going to fall. Three hours later calls you to come pick him up off the floor. Human nature. No one wants to cave into reality. Sometimes you have to buckledown and take control before something bad happens.

My mother has the same problem in a house with 5 bedrooms.Each room is filled with boxes, the house is truly filthy, I refuse to eat there even if I bring the food, and it is nothing like the house I knew and loved. The house is almost 170 years old, but was in great condition. She does not let many people inside. There was a rodent problem due to the fact it is on farmland, but she is dealing with that. Mom presents one person to the world and lives a totally different life inside her house. She refuses help, and screams at us if we want to help. I do not have support from siblings. It is going to take an outside source to create a change. This is not an unusual problem anymore. The elderly are visited by phone and internet more often than physical visits. Also,we are living longer and house cleaning is physically exhausting. Bless you! Try to get someone to "visit" your parents and ask them to make a report to social services.

bpryor01 -- Thank you for your kind advice and note on siblings. Agreed. :) I do see my parents pretty regularly outside of the home - we go out to eat at least once or twice a month and I take them shopping sometimes and out on other errands, doctor visits, etc...