Moved back to my parents house in 2012 with my 2 kids after a divorce. It seemed like a great idea since I could help them pay mortgage and the kids would get to know the grandparents better.
They were completely independent back then and now that my mother is in a pre-Alzheimer’s state their relationship has deteriorated even more. They were never the model couple in their 52 years of marriage, but they usually got along enough. As soon as my father starts drinking (it’s a daily thing for him about 10-12 liters of wine or more per week) he becomes extra sensitive and verbally abusive and sometimes physically towards everyone but especially towards her. She is no saint either (we have all seen it) sometimes she pushes him and he falls because he’s had too much alcohol and very often instigates him by making comments on his ever growing belly. I have always denied to myself that he is an alcoholic mainly because I’ve seen him control the habit - we have been having yearly challenges where we all stop drinking for a month and he has no problem doing that and becomes a much better person during that month period.
Since 2018 my mother has been showing signs of Alzheimer’s and my father drinks more and more every day. When I am home she is usually with me since we live in a 2 family home and lately I ask her not to go downstairs and sleep in the guest bedroom because I know it more than likely result in an argument of some sort.
Lately mother has been crying a lot and regretting not having left him earlier in her life, usually after some kind of argument but nevertheless worrisome. I see her very depressed sometimes and only happy when she’s with me, I see him depressed and drinking excessively on a daily basis.
She has been asking to go see a lawyer and get a divorce, what can be done at this point where her mind is not what it used to be and she is not able to recall events of the day before but remembers something wrong happened.
They often create a very toxic environment around them because of the constant bickering.
As a concerned older son I feel that I have to do something about it. My uncle from my mother’s side is close in age to me and feels the same - we have to do something. My daughter moved out of the house after graduating from high school and went to live and study in the UK. My sister after an unexpected divorce also moved to the UK so I am alone with my teenage son and uncle on this.
There’s a lot more to say but at this point I have to start somewhere looking for answers. We are an honest hardworking family and I just can’t let this happen to us.
I appreciate your help and expertise.
1) The children aren't really children anymore. They've lived this already for 8 years. It could be why OP's daughter chose to move away, far away, to get away from it, but maybe she just wanted to go there - not enough information there, but she's more or less out of the picture. Son is already 17, so while it still isn't ideal, he has already seen/experienced all this. Hopefully dad had discussions with the kids over the years, to temper things.
2) OP indicates the residence is a 2-family, so they really have separate living quarters. It wouldn't be much different than living in 2 different homes, except it's easier to move between them.
I also agree that there's no such thing a pre-alzheimer's, but perhaps he meant early stages of dementia. Whatever the case, this should be the focus - getting his mother the help SHE needs. If someone drinks and has been drinking that long, there isn't likely anything one can do to change that.
I don't think divorce is the answer either. Separation of some kind, yes, even if just physically. She may not be capable of legally going through any kind of separation/divorce, and it would be hard to get her help if she has limited funds.
Teeknow has indicated reaching out to city council on aging. If there are no POAs in place, OP may need to seek guardianship. You can try speaking with her doctor - w/out POAs they may not be willing to discuss her condition with you, but that doesn't stop you from talking with them and asking them to check her, and get her tested.
Teeknow, if possible, check Elder Law attys in the area and see if any offer a free initial consult. Prep all questions and concerns before the appt and take notes. If you can find more than one, go to all of them.
If possible, see if you can do the "yearly challenge" with your father, so that you can have a reasonable discussion with him. Clearly if mom has dementia, he is NOT going to be able to care for her. You may have to keep mom in your place while this happens, to avoid any confrontations. Enlist your uncle, once dad has "dried" out and become a "better person", so you can all brainstorm together. Dementia is NOT going to get better, it'll only get worse. In this case, it will likely mean finding placement for her, as it isn't safe for her to remain in the home with your dad and you will quickly find yourself in deep trouble trying to care for her. Placement does NOT mean abandonment. It allows her to get the care SHE needs, and allows you to be the caring son again. It will be hard with the virus, initially, as visits are restricted, but eventually...
"My uncle from my mother’s side is close in age to me and feels the same - we have to do something."
That makes two of you, so work together to get "something" done! You moving away isn't going to solve the problem, it might only make it worse, since your mother won't have a "safe" place to go. Work on finding the best solution for HER, which is likely going to be some kind of AL (she may need MC at this point.) Then dad will be on his own, won't have anyone to fight with, and can continue to drink, or perhaps if the source of contention is gone, maybe he will drink less or maybe stop, but he's a grown man, you aren't going to change him.
Mom is in need, so focus on her!
NOTE: As with others, your mom may be resistant to moving, BUT given her dementia and suggestions of divorce/getting away from him, you *could* present the new place as an apartment, so she can get away from him and work on that divorce (just the reason for moving, the divorce part isn't important!) We had to use a ruse/fib to get our mother to move. She was adamant she was fine and refused to consider moving anywhere.
I don't even know if this will be applicable to your situation, but because I just had a conversation with my therapist about this (almost identical) situation I figured I would chime in.
During the course of my therapy session today, my therapist recommended a paid "friendly helper " for my mother.
She told me a story that sounds very much like what you're describing !
The caregiving daughter hired this "friendly helper " to come once a week. She would do simple tasks around the house and make sure that Mom and Dad were OK.
She would take Dad out to lunch etc... He loved every minute of it!!
Somehow, this small act made him happy and thus he treated his wife better. The complaining and arguing were greatly reduced. And the talk of divorce ceased.
Again, I don't know if it's applicable to your situation, but I found it very ironic that I saw your post today!!
((((Hugs))))
I may hire one myself for Xmas 😊
Your father’s alcoholism is so painful to you that you knee-jerk to denial. He may be a great person, and you clearly love him, but his alcoholism is destructive to everyone. As suggested by others, explore Alanon (through Zoom) for your mother and yourself.
Allow your mom the grace to spend the end of her life free from abuse. Find her a new place (or continue to live with her, but somewhere else) so that she can live out the remainder of her years and die in peace.
Your mother’s neurological state may improve without the stress of constant emotional pain. High blood pressure and kidney disease can even cause confusion. So can many commonly (and somewhat overly-) prescribed medications. Research this yourself and discuss it with her doctor(s) before getting any neurological testing done.
Most divorce attorneys offer a free first consultation. Support your mom and let her explore her options. The best answer may be to do nothing, to separate legally or just separate, without any contract. Be her strength and support her in her inquiry and her journey.
Don’t let your parents go the way of the “Calico Cat and the Gingham Dog” or the couple from “War of the Roses” on your watch. It may seem easier to let it just play out, but it could devastate you more in the long run.
Is your mother having any medical care for her medical issues such as memory ones? Perhaps some medication could help her. I think your family just needs to start immediately with many baby steps that are serious ones but if you start off considering them as baby ones you might feel some hope sooner than later. I hope you can start moving forward and find some relief which in turn may give you strength to continue on and help all of you as a family unit.
As your mom progress into Alzheimers she will go back to being child-like and your dad sounds abusive. This is not healthy or safe for your mom. But I am sure you know this.
You need to get all legal documents in order for both parents. More so, you need to get your son, your mom and yourself away from your dad. I am not saying he is a bad guy. Believe me, I have known some of the nices people in the world, but once they get drunk it is a whole different story. I spent 25 yrs in the bar/restaurant industry. I have seen it all! Unfortunately, your dad sounds like a mean drunk and if you can you should protect your mom to the best of your ability. It sounds like she is asking for help. I am not trying to guilt or judge you, so please don't think I am. It is just that your mom really doesn't understand why your dad is being the way he is nor does she understand what is happening to her or the world around her.
Does your parents have money to help pay for their care as in Assisted living for your dad or mom (depending how advanced her disease is)? Can you move out and take mom with you until you can figure out what to do? Can mom or dad stay with your uncle? They need to be separated. My parents were married for 51 yrs until my dad passed and it was a crappie marriage, so I get it! You are stuck between a rock and a hard spot!
I would start with their finances and see where you can go from there. Then see what you can afford to do. But honey, your son, mom, dad and you can't keep living this way, but you know this too!
I am so sorry that you are going through this insane situation. It is a tough spot to be in.
Hugs!!!
Do the annual no drinking thing now. Everyone in the house at the same time. Once dad is off the booze, talk to him and be realistic. It's only going to get worse and it is too difficult to cope with her mental issues and his drinking. The shoving is going to reach a point where one of them breaks a hip or other injury.
Tell dad that if a physical contest results in an injury, there could be domestic violence charges filed and someone could end up in jail. Especially if mom happens to be having an exceptional moment at the time police talk to her. . .and believe me, these folks with dementia issues can sound quite convincing at times like that - very coherent, knows president, day of the week, etc when they seldom could recall with you just moments earlier.
Once you get the alcohol out of the house - just let him know it won't be coming back. It's done and that chapter is closed. Then keep them separated if at all possible with the use of both homes. If that doesn't work, you need plan b for living arrangement. You still have a teenage son who is becoming used to a chaotic household which has a good chance of being the expected norm in his own future relationships. He doesn't need it and you don't need to watch it unfold again in another generation. If mom gets worse, she may eventually need memory care. If dad starts drinking again, he needs to understand there are consequences that could land him in a facility of some type.
Mom may have regrets about staying marriage especially if her memories are of the hard times with dad. And, unfortunately, that is often where the most vivid memories come from - the past. Not 5 minutes ago or a year ago, but many years ago. While dad can still be reasoned with, begin the change with him. You say 'we all' do away with the alcohol from time to time. Do yourself a favor and avoid the behavior now while you have a handle on it.
Get her to a doctor and get a complete physical including cognitive testing, so you know what you're really dealing with.
As for the rest of it, I agree with the others -- your son shouldn't be living there.
An attorney will be able to assess whether or not your mother is capable of understanding and signing documents including divorce papers. If she's too far gone to sign, then she cannot get a legal divorce. If they lived separately, that might be enough to satisfy her.
You do seem overly concerned with your parents' marriage, and not concerned enough about the toxic environment in which your 17 year old son is living. Your son is 17 NOW but he's been living like this since he was 9!
Or have one of them live with you and one live with your Uncle if he's willing to keep them separated.
If things are worse when your Dad drinks, then tell Dad to stop drinking and tell your mom to stop instigating trouble with your Dad.
Have a talk with both parents at the same time and pick a time when your Dad isn't drinking.
Tell them your feelings and that there has to be some changes made.
Give whatever options you come up with.
It might have to be one of them move out, both move out or you move out and get your own place.
Prayers
Please acknowledge that both of your parents have a problem... and you do too.
Your father IS an alcoholic and needs help. He needs to go to rehab so he can safely "dry out." He also needs to belong to an alcoholic recovery group like AA or Celebrate Recovery.
Your mother IS abusive. She needs to see her primary care doctor AND a psychiatrist. They can manage her Alzheimer's disease (early medication is key) and her poor coping techniques. She may need to spend a little time in an inpatient psych unit to get a handle on her anger, but I am concerned that physical outbursts will be her main way of expressing her displeasure.
You are not the cause nor the cure for your parents' marriage problems. Whether or not your parents' marriage survives will depend on whether or not each of them is willing to get help and work really, really hard at their relationship. If they do split, your mother may need placement into assisted living or a long term care facility that will accept whatever finances she has or Medicaid.
You ARE co-dependent in your parents' problems. Please see a counsellor or join a recovery group like Al Anon. Your children are growing up in an environment that is teaching them all kinds of inappropriate behavior. Please find a way to move out of your parents' home into a place that you can afford. Your children deserve to be loved, cherished and taught how to be healthy, contributing adults in society.
I see that the original letter was written by a loving and concerned son. There is empathy and straight talking on this website, you
came to the right place Teeknow-
The very best of luck- be strong, take care of yourself and your children
especially- Sending love to you.
I would make plans to move out ASAP
You can not fix this.
No such thing as "pre-Alzheimer's"
Your mom should be diagnosed one way or the other dementia (then of what type not all dementia is Alzheimer's)
The next time your dad becomes violent you need to call 911 and express that you are afraid for your safety, your mom's safety.
Your local Area Agency on Ageing might be of some help. At least you can discuss options with a Social Worker.
Do you have POA for either or both of your parents?
And another thing to put on your list of "to do" talk with an Elder Care Attorney.
Sad as it is it is possible that a divorce might be the best thing for both of them. It is possible that they would be eligible for services as single that they might not be if they are married.
It is not your job to fix your parents' relationship. It IS your job, however, to get your son OUT of that toxic environment.
Or else he may be writing MY story one day, and blaming YOU for his dysfunctional childhood.
There is no such thing as a 'pre Alzheimer's state'. Your mother either has Alzheimer's since 2018 or she does not. Once you move yourself & your son out of your parents home, then you can try to help get them placed; perhaps dad can go into Assisted Living and mom can go into the Memory Care section of the same place. Separating them may be their best bet, before they wind up hurting one another or before the police are called and your father gets arrested for being drunk & disorderly, and hit with a domestic violence charge to boot.
Wishing you good luck moving forward.
Your mother is an adult who has made her choices. Your primary responsibility is to your child, who is still a minor.
What does your father say about the situation?
So. You've been living with them for eight years. Your daughter seems to have voted with her feet. Does your son have similar plans to move out, have you talked to him about what he thinks, what he hopes to do?
Pre-Alzheimer's doesn't mean much to me - what concrete symptoms have you observed, have you asked your mother to consult a doctor, have any investigations been done?
In any case, it sounds as though your mother is some way away from being unable to take legal steps. If she seriously wants to consider divorce, she's free to do so. But to me that sounds like eyewash: some idea that divorce will solve everything, whereas I'm sure you know from your own experience that it's only a beginning of change. What, exactly, will it solve? Where will she live? Where will he live? Does he feel the same?
I don't recommend you get involved in discussing with them what they're arguing about and attempting to act as mediator. You live there, you're much too close to the situation. But a professional outsider might be a very good idea indeed. Do you think that they would consider counselling or mediation?
He seems on a pathway for an alcohol related dementia (if not already).
Could you go talk to your Doctor? Find out how an aged care assessment for vulnerable elders works where you live?
In all honesty, if you moved out tomorrow, would it become a catastrophe? If so, then they are no longer independent & need an experienced Social Worker to assist with a transition into a care setting. Separate rooms would be required.
Keep with us. This is going to be one bumpy ride.
If so, move asap. They should not be exposed to this.