If you don't have POA you may have to check into guardianship.
Don't move her in with you. You have a young family and moms needs will only get more demanding until her care takes over your life.
Talk with an eldercare attorney about her house, assets, funding for her care, and lay some track for her care.
I too am a lone caregiver for my folks with many of the same issues you are seeing. What I have learned is this:
You cannot reason with dementia. Don't try to explain and convince in advance. It's a waste of time . Just do what has to be done. Ignore the tears and yelling
Get the basics done through any means necessary. I fib to my folks a lot. Otherwise nothing would get fixed, cleaned, bills paid etc.
Finally, we can only do as much as stubborn elders will allow. We need to accept this. Stuff is gonna happen. It's not our fault. It will usually take a crisis to facilitate major change. For my folks this will mostly be mom falling or dad wandering off. Could be tomorrow, next month or next year. I've given up trying to predict.
My mother was that way. I was upset alot. She refused help. Said she didn't need it. Couldn't afford it. And she could barely do the things. This went on for a lot of years. It's extremely frustrating . The only times I was able to get her any help was when she was incapacitated. She broke her hip. Laundry room in basement. Mom on walker. She allowed me to get someone to wash clothes and clean house. She was impossible till the end.
My mom is 87 years old and has dementia, afib and a pacemaker. She uses a cane to prevent falls. Otherwise, she is in good health. Her very kind physician sat with her, at eye level, a year and a half ago and told her it was time for her to change her living arrangement, that she couldn't stay by herself any more. I have responded every time she needed me,even driving an hour away in the middle of the night when she has called. Most recently she called at 3 a.m. to tell me her left leg and ankle were hurting. She then decided she could make it until morning when I could drive up. When I arrived, she didn't even mention any pain. I am the only child who does her bills, makes and takes to all doctor appointments, gets groceries (not mostly take-out) because she really doesn't cook, takes care of taxes, farm issues, etc. She burned a pan up on the stove trying to cook, so much so it had to be thrown away. She has double dosed her medicine for several days in a row (this happened a while back) to the point she had to be hospitalized. I try to have her stay at my house for a week at the time (I work full time, single mother, with two teens). Then, rotate off allowing her to stay home with a lady who drops in for an hour daily. More and more, it is obvious that she can only make it 2 or 3 days. The last time I took her home she asked me to check the mail six times in about 15 minutes. Over the weekend, she called and said it was hot in the house, wanted to go in the attic and get fans, that we no longer have. I called someone to check on her and the lady let me know it was 93 degrees in the house and the a/c wasn't working! I have offered multiple times to let her simply move in my house, which she has always refused to do because "she has a house and she's going to stay in it". When she's at my house, she's okay until I have to work or want to go to church or have things to do with my children. Then, she belittles, curses at me, and gets very angry. Most recently, I had a brunch that she was invited to, but refused to go. When I arrived at home she informed the ladies from brunch, I never asked her to go and said very embarassing remarks...even though she ate breakfast with these same ladies a couple of weeks ago when she was agreeable to go. I thought we were making a little progress when she called and asked me to come get her, she just couldn't do this anymore, she wasn't able to look after the house any more. However, after a few days of rest and care at my house, she was adamant about returning home. She still has license. I did watch her almost take down the lamplight post in the yard recently. My children, in my home, have endured a great deal and I have even taken them to her doctor so she could explain to them what we're going through. She has threatened to get out of the car if I try to take her to the doctor to discuss her needs any more. Her doctor told me, a year ago, she wasn't likely to be agreeable and I needed to obtain guardianship and place her in assisted living. I am at my wits end. I am not a nurse. I have looked after mother since my dad died in 2007 and have provided a great deal of care for the past 2 years, but I'm at a loss of what to do now. I have to work full time, I'm a single parent. The stress on my health has shown up in my last doctor's visit. Mother has only one sister who lives thousands of miles away and is older than she is. I truly think she would have to be medicated to counsel with someone. She has been aggressive tonight. I am open to any suggestions.
Windyridge - I certainly hope the next event is a life lesson!!! I just took care of my dad for a weekend so my step mom could get away. He is using his walker, but on Sunday morning - I hear "help, help!!" at 5 am. He fell sitting back into his chair to watch TV and cut his forehead and needed stitches. I had to call the ambulance because he can't get in / out of cars. It was pretty scary for my 7 year old - the early morning ambulance and all of the blood. thank goodness I was there even if I couldn't prevent a fall. But, we used this, and my son's upset, to reason with him about why we always have someone with him, that no - he cannot be left home alone, and that is why my step mom has people come in when she needs to get groceries etc (he yells about it and the cost).
Good luck to you with your parents - love them, pray for them, and do what you can.
Kimber, your last paragraph hit home for me. Bad decisions that can be lessons or life ending. So true. I've been trying very diplomatically for the last couple of years to talk to my folks about in home care or moving to assited living. I've given up. Dad has dementia, there's no convincing him of ANYTHING and Mom just sees it as a threat so I don't say anything any longer. So, just waiting for the next "Life Lesson" which may or may not be fatal.
Yes, it seems like the only sweet elderly ladies and gentlemen I know are NOT related to me..... Elders being stubborn - I think they are trying to maintain their independence and just like I don't like being told what to do - neither do they. While they are getting more helpless, they are still adults.
That being said - when I am concerned about an elder - I try to speak with them gently in a "here is what I see and it makes me worried" or I bring up with their doctor. My dad listens to his doctor, my mom doesn't, so only batting 50% there.
In other areas - I have seen issues looming and have had to step back and let the elder face the consequences of their stubbornness. My dad refused to use a walker so my step mom and I refused to help him up and would call 911 when he fell. After a few times of waiting for over an hour (they are rural), he started to use the walker. We are very lucky he didn't ever hurt himself with a fall.
I have no advice - it is frustrating. I have to tell myself that as long as they are competent - they can make their own decisions. Even bad ones. And I pray that the consequences are "lessons" and not "life ending".
Well this is more like a vent. My mom is still independant and we never got along. Shes very mean and negative towards me and complains and criticizes so whatever i say or suggest, she will turn it into an argument. So whenever she wants to argue, i change topics and she then complains what i am talking about. I distance myself from her often and my kid doesnt wanna be around her negativity. And then my mom complains why im cutting my kid out of my moms life. My ex-husbands mother is the polar opposite. She is very high spirited and loving and caring. My kid loves her more than my mom.
Rigid? I know a woman who is living with her mother, providing 24/7 care to a mom who is legally blind, CHF, memory losses, trouble walking and the mother insists that the daughter pay rent for living there. And the daughter pays!!
My mother is like that. Its extremely frustrating. Her mind is fine. I want to help her but she won't take suggestions. From anyone. She has always been rigid and had to do things her way. Trying to learn to distance myself emotionally. Otherwise I'll destroy myself.
I just typed in "stubborn" in the search bar above and more than a dozen posts came up. My inlaws have been stubborn for the past 5+ years and MIL is not demented. FIL has something going on but the onset/timing still doesn't explain why he too was so stubborn. In my opinion, if a person was always self reliant but in old age become dependent they can be just plain old stubborn.
Look up some info about dementia on this site. That may be what you are dealing with. Stubborn elders who refuse help is one of the most common dilemmas discussed on this forum.
You ask for suggestions, so here goes:
She's driving? That should end now.
If you don't have POA you may have to check into guardianship.
Don't move her in with you. You have a young family and moms needs will only get more demanding until her care takes over your life.
Talk with an eldercare attorney about her house, assets, funding for her care, and lay some track for her care.
I too am a lone caregiver for my folks with many of the same issues you are seeing. What I have learned is this:
You cannot reason with dementia. Don't try to explain and convince in advance. It's a waste of time . Just do what has to be done. Ignore the tears and yelling
Get the basics done through any means necessary. I fib to my folks a lot. Otherwise nothing would get fixed, cleaned, bills paid etc.
Finally, we can only do as much as stubborn elders will allow. We need to accept this. Stuff is gonna happen. It's not our fault. It will usually take a crisis to facilitate major change. For my folks this will mostly be mom falling or dad wandering off. Could be tomorrow, next month or next year. I've given up trying to predict.
Good luck to you with your parents - love them, pray for them, and do what you can.
That being said - when I am concerned about an elder - I try to speak with them gently in a "here is what I see and it makes me worried" or I bring up with their doctor. My dad listens to his doctor, my mom doesn't, so only batting 50% there.
In other areas - I have seen issues looming and have had to step back and let the elder face the consequences of their stubbornness. My dad refused to use a walker so my step mom and I refused to help him up and would call 911 when he fell. After a few times of waiting for over an hour (they are rural), he started to use the walker. We are very lucky he didn't ever hurt himself with a fall.
I have no advice - it is frustrating. I have to tell myself that as long as they are competent - they can make their own decisions. Even bad ones. And I pray that the consequences are "lessons" and not "life ending".