Elderly parents want me to give up retirement dream and care for them, while refusing to discuss their health plans.

So, John, why are you having difficulty leaving? Fear, Obligation and Guilt?

Fear, obligation and guilt are the major culprits.


Johnc1

I guess I don't understand this sort of mindset. Healthy parents raise their children to become independent. They do not attempt to bind their children to them through emotional blackmail.

In your shoes, I'd leave and let the future arrive. Deal with the future when it happens.

John, have your parents expressed to you " don't you dare leave"?

Or is the obligation in your head, i.e., that's what good people do?

Once again, after several previous attempts, I asked my parents about their future plans for medical and living care. As usual, they were unwilling to speak candidly and intelligently about the subject. The best I could get, as if I was a stranger, was my Father’s short, quip, indiscernible response of “I’m on the list”. Like all previous attempts, my parent’s obvious mindset is that I’m only after their money. 

This is probably a no-win situation and the only sensible thing to do is let go. Yet, I still feel stuck, trapped and disappointed with guilt about relocating. Coupled with other stressors, it feels like our retirement dream is just that - only a dream. 

Any input would be much appreciated, thank you. 


Johnc1


Fear, obligation and guilt are the major culprits. 


My Mother manipulatively cries loudly that she cannot survive without us anytime we bring up the prospect of relocating. However, my parents prefer to focus most conversations around bragging and attempting to impress us with their money and how they plan to buy a brand new Mercedes for cash (even though their driving is extremely limited). While their independence is good but waning, they refuse to let us in and discuss any practicalities or take any kind of sound advice. Their priorities are clearly skewed and they have always been extremely cheap and selfish. This has been very frustrating and conjurs up many conflicting emotions. What’s more is that this situation completely falls to our shoulders as my only brother does not involve himself or visit my parents. 


Johnc1

It might be useful to put in writing to your parents that you are leaving, and that you will be quite happy to talk with them about what they need, once they are ready to give you full details of their situation, wishes and plans. Don’t just put it in an email – they get deleted. Keep a photocopy of your own signed letter, and send a copy to your brother for his information. Don't try to discuss it at present because you have proved to yourself that it will not work. Remind yourself that you have gone out of your way to offer help and that you have been rebuffed. Then get on with your own life - there is nothing more that is sensible to do.

John, when your father rather cynically reassured you that you can expect to be a beneficiary of his will, clearly - whether intentional or not - misconstruing your enquiry about his and your mother's care planning, how did you respond to him?

When a person is wilfully missing the point, or you suspect it's wilful at least, it is extremely frustrating. But you can't give up. Even if you have to draw them a picture, set up a PowerPoint presentation, use a loudhailer - you have *got* to nail them down on this.

When I questioned my mother about her accounts, she did the same thing -- said, "Don't worry..you're getting yours." And that's not at all what it was about. I wanted to know how her money would be accessed (locked up in a trust) if she were not able to write checks herself. She took this to mean that I was greedy and wanted to get my hands on her money.

So she (unbeknownst to me) took me (and another brother) off her POA (the two remaining brothers are still on it). This was done when one of the two POA brothers was in town. No one told me (he claims to not have known what she went to the attorney for -- that could have been true). I don't know why my third brother was taken off the POA, but I was taken off because she was convinced I wanted to get at her money.

I only find out all of this this past November when was in rehab after a hospitalization. Getting access to her money to private pay for her now permanent NH residence was tricky, as no paperwork had ever been done for that, other than the broad statement in the trust that my two successor trustee brothers (the two with POA) had the power. Banks and financial institutions want more than that, though, and my mother had not been declared incompetent.

So I could sign nothing for her, even things that didn't involve money. The silver lining is that I can be paid, and I wouldn't have been able to be paid for all I've done for her if I was a POA, as there is a clause that the POA doesn't get paid except for reimbursement of expenses. So I'm getting a hourly fee from my mother's funds, plus back-pay for the previous two years. And it's gifted to me, so no taxes due. (My mother will never be Medicaid-eligible, so all the careful recordkeeping needed for that is irrelevant.)

It's a shame our relationship was pretty much ruined because she was so paranoid. But after a couple of years of being told I didn't do anything for her, my time wasn't worth anything and outright disgust with me, the pay has made me feel better. I did it all, and my three out-of-state brothers didn't. The trust will be divided equally four ways when she passes, which is what it says and what she was adamant about. But my time wasn't free, after all, which is what she also wanted. "You don't pay family." Oh, yes you DO!