What to do when elderly parent refuses food or drink in an attempt to bring on death?

My dad is doing almost the exact same thing. He's 86, did have a second stroke in early Feb, got through the rehab quite well, but does have to use a walker all the time now. I've just put another call into the psychiatrist. He was in the psych ward back in Sept for talking about wanting to die and refusing to eat, drink or even get up out of the bed. It's basically depression with some dementia but not enough to cause this. He had been able to walk 2 football fields' worth of distance in August, now, he has lost weight, goes through refusal to even get up at all, does not want to eat enough and gets angry if I even suggest a hospital or going to see his Doc. He wants to die, and is very plain about that and even wants to know if there is some paper he can sign to say "leave me alone and let me die". He already has the DNR in place and no fluids, no feeding-tubes, etc., so I will be curious to see what the doc and nurses say. I have caregivers coming in, and me, I wish I could get him on hospice or something! Jeez!!!! You reach your wits' end sometimes not knowing what in the world to do to honor their wishes, yet you can't let them deliberately starve themselves to death... ahhhh.... I so know what you are going through, same thing here, and I haven't a clue, as this gets more and more serious. Please, may the doctors have some kind of freaking solution...

Just want to say, relative to possible depression, there are drugs for depression that also work wonderfully to increase appetite. My Dad got into this state about a year ago, and lost over 20 pounds in 6 weeks. Doctor put him on this drug and within about 2 weeks he started eating well again, and laughing about his poor memory. He's been pretty stable ever since and gained about 10 pounds back too. As I recall, his drug was Celexa??

Thank you to those I not replied to & sorry it`s taken so long to reply but I not had time.
Against my mums wishes we called the doctor, he put her on Anti-depressants like many of you suggested & although they seem to have brought dementia on she has started eating & drinking again. We are struggling to cope but while ever we can we will & now she is eating n drinking again we can only hope for improvement. Thank you again everyone for your thoughts & advice , greatly appreciated, hugs to you all & a big up for carers alike x

This happened with my uncle after his wife died. He refused to eat, and his son was unable to do anything for him. The rest of us urged his son to get his father on anti-depressants, but not being next of kin, we didn't have any say in his medical treatment, and my uncle refused to see us and told his son to leave him alone. He went into hospice and died of starvation at age 65. It's so difficult to know what to do when an adult relative makes a decision like this, but since you have some influence with your mother, I would definitely encourage trying anti-depressants.

Sheeshee, my heart hurts reading your post... this is an incredibly sad thing to have to go through, for you guys and your mom... I can only imagine how utterly painful this is for you... You've already been given great advice, and I'm praying that maybe an antidepressant will do the trick, and that your mom will come out of this and starts enjoying life again... She's very lucky to have you guys.. *hugs*

Thank you & yes very hard, lots of us going through similar situations. Hope your situation improves.
Thank you to all who have given their experiences, advice & thoughts + the hugs received, sending hugs back to you all..

wow, I am going through something like this with my mom. She got sick, rehab etc. Had to move her and Dad (alz) in with us a few months ago. they are no problem, we love having them, but she is depressed, feels like she is "ruining our lives" etc. I got her new Dr to give her an antidepressent yesterday. Hope it helps! Just alot of changes and hopefully we will get through this. She keeps telling is to just Let her Go if she falls, etc. I explain I'll have to call 911.. she has a fit. This is a retired RN !! I am also in medicine, but it is hard.

Thanks, you have a valid point. I want to respect her wishes but I also want to do the right thing as I see it & as I see it she don`t really have a valid reason for wanting to end her life {but who knows what she is thinking or going through} & if it is depression that is making her feel this way, against her wishes I feel I should maybe consult her doctor...asap. Thank you again for you opinion I appreciate it.

Hmm.... 89, fit and healthy, no meds, just wants to die?? I would immediately suspect depression, which can be easily remedied with and anti-depressant. My suggestion is to either have a serious chat with her primary care doctor, or get her to a geriatiric care specialist. I can understand respecting an elder's end-of-life wishes, but it does not sound like that is where your mother is at from a medical/physical standpoint. If she does not eat or drink, she will soon go into dehydration, may start twitching and slurring her speech, possibly a urinary tract infection, kidneys can shut down, and maybe even start hallucinating. This happened to my Mom just from too little eating or drinking (very hard to keep track of when there is plenty in the fridge, and she assures you she ate this and drank that, but you are not actually living with her) If that happens, she will end up in the ER, where she will be most likely admitted, and you can insist that she be thoroughly evaluated. At that point, you could start working with the Case Manager and/or social worker to figure out the next steps. Do you really want to play it out that far? If I were in your shoes, I would get her to the doctor ASAP. Just tell her the doctor's office called to remind you that she needs a check-up and some blood work. Then get really serious with the doctor. Good luck.

Thank you, My mum does not have dementia but I think she may have the very early onset & does suffer mood swing just like you described. I am taking each day as it comes & in respect of what you have told me I will try & discuss the matter with her doctor again with regard to any help I can get if it comes to it. Thank you again for your kind words & for sharing your experience, we do all need help in these situations & I appreciate yours.

Does your Mom have dementia? When my Mom was diagnosed with dementia, she was placed on medication to control mood swings, periods of violence, anger and extreme agitation. She suddenly stopped eating, would not drink, and refused to get out of bed. She suddenly started soiling herself in bed, refusing to go to the bathroom.

I had to give her bed baths and clean her up regularly. I found a wonderful GP who actually did house calls. She dropped in every week to see how my Mom was doing. Things were getting so dire that the doctor recommended a feeding tube. The doctor worked with me to arrange Visiting Nurse Service during the week. The diagnosis: Infant Failure to Thrive.

The doctor discussed various options with me but said I may want to consider palliative care in the event my mother did not improve. After another week of "no progress," social services were in the process of setting up regular visits by a chaplain, counselor, and others to help me and and husband care for her in the event palliative care was needed.

A few days before the decision was made to regarding the feeding tube, my Mom woke up, got dressed, came downstairs for breakfast and was in great spirits. My husband and I were shocked but incredibly relieved. It turns out that medications, if they work, can take a while to do what they are meant to do. My mother's extreme mood swings improved, she was no longer violent or having fits of rage. She became much easier to deal with, although she still had her moments when it came to getting in the shower?

So if your Mom is on any kind of medication, I'd find out if the meds are in any way linked to what she's experiencing. It is very frightening. My prayers are with you.

Thank you for you response..
Mum is approaching 89 & yes I appreciate how she feels & that her life is probable coming to an end. The problem is right as you pointed out I don`t want to see her in a hospice/hospital, I just don`t want to see her get ill thought that may be inevitable. I do respect that she has had enough, but what makes it harder is that she is perfectly fit & healthy {well, until the starvation came in to effect} she is on no medication,my sister & I care for her in her own home preventing her from going into a home,she has 2 other sons that visit regular. It is just simply a case of her wanting to die & selfishly we don`t want her to but more important we don` t want to see her wither away & get ill as she was only a little fail old woman to start with. Thanks again for you input, greatly appreciated.

How old is mom and what is wrong with her? Your Dr is right if mom is refusing there is nothing you can do. Will she drink anything nutricous?
She will eventually die from starvation but as long as she is drinking even a few ounces a day it can take several weeks. You will be amazed especially if she has a good fat reserve. Is she actually approaching the end of her life now? if she has a terminal illness call in hospice and they will offer you support and advice. Is there a DNR and HCP in effect and are you prepared to honor her wishes. Please give us some more details, there is no simple answer, but from what you have said I believe you should honor her wishes and make whatever time she has left full of good memories for those who will be left behind. Do you really want to see your mother in a hospital be being force fed? It is not a pleasant experience for anyone.