What to do when elderly parent refuses food or drink in an attempt to bring on death?

Michel - If I were in that much pain and misery, I would not want to live either. It's like being tortured day and night. If my dog was in that much pain and misery, I would be so kind as to end its suffering. But somehow, people don't have that choice. That is so unfortunate.

I am so sorry for your mother and you.

Get her to a psychiatrist asap for an evaluation of her depression and other mental health issues.

My mother wants to die because she has no quality of life. She is not dying but she screams that she wants to die every day. She is only 70. I am a 24 hour caregiver now. She cant use her hands anymore and she can barely walk. She has three herniated disc’s, severe arthritis, Autoimmune diseases and just survived quadruple bypass. we thought she would get better after the surgery but she just keeps getting worse. She says they messed up her back when they cracked open her chest and that she would be better off if she never had the surgery! The doctor made her get off morphine before he would do the heart surgery. She was up to 60mg two times a day. Horrible pain. I remember when she used to crawl on the floor to get around the house. She had full mobility before the surgery. My mom had so much fight in her. She went cold turkey off the opiates because she wanted to prove to the doctor that she was ready and not “addicted”. ( not everyone is addicted to opiates) It’s been 6 months and she is still refusing pain pills but she has no life due to the pain! She is beyond Miserable. All the doctors can say is how good it is and how “impressed” they are that she is doing it without ANY pain Meds. NOW even if she wanted to go back on the pain Meds she can’t because they make her sooooo backed up she can’t go to the bathroom. (I gave her one morphine and she didn’t poop for a week and we ended up in the ER) So now she says God hates her and she rather die than be in this much pain. She can’t feed herself, go to the bathroom by her self or even scratch her head when she has a itch. This is not life but I can’t do anything to help her. The doctor says to forcibly feed her but that is he11 for me too. She screams at me and says if I love her I would just let her die. It breaks my heart. The doctors say she is just depressed. Well ya! If you were in screaming pain every minute of the day and had no dignity left, how would you feel? I just wish the doctors could make her comfortable!!! No one should live like this.

My mother wants do die because she has no quality of life. She is not dying but she screams that she wants to die every day. She is only 70. I am a 24 hour caregiver now. She cant vibe her hands anymore and she can barely walk. She has three herniated disc’s, severe arthritis, and just survived quadruple bypass. we thought she would get better after the surgery but she just keeps getting worse. She says they messed up her back when they cracked open her chest and that she would be better off if she never had the surgery! The doctor made her get off the morphine she was on before he would do the heart surgery. She was up to 60mg two times a day. Horrible pain. I remember when she used to crawl on the floor to get around the house. My mom had so much fight in her. He went cold turkey off the opiates because she wanted to prove to the doctor that she was ready and not addicted . It’s been 6 months and she is still refusing pain pills but she has no life. She is beyond Miserable. All the doctors can say is go good it is and how impressed they are that she is doing it without ANY pain Meds. NOW even if she wanted to go back on the pain Meds she can’t because they make her sooooo backed up she can’t go to the bathroom. (I have her one morphine and she didn’t poop for a week and we ended up in the ER) so now She says God hates her and she rather die than be in this much pain. She can’t feed herself, go to the bathroom by her self or even scratch her head when she has a itch. This is not life but I can’t do anything to help her. The doctor says to forcibly feed her but that is hell for me too. She screams at me and says if I love her I would just let her die. It breaks my heart. The doctors say she is just depressed. Well ya! If you were in screaming pain every minute of the day and had no dignity left, how would you feel? I just wish the doctors could make her comfortable!!! No one should live like this.

I would just say, "Mom I don't want you to give up. It hurts me to see you doing this to yourself. I don't know what I'd do without you, etc" Making her to see it through your eyes and have pity for you instead of herself is your best shot at success. It is a sad situation. Although part of me believes a persons rights to where, when, and how they should die is their decision, I do understand how you feel, especially if she has some good years left.

I am going through the same kind of situation. I think we know when the end is near but it is in our nature to hang on. Recently my mom had an infection in her lungs. It was caused by aspiration of food into the lungs which sometimes happens when patients have difficulty swallowing. She was already weak from her refusal to eat and was not expected to survive. My mother is now calm and serene, she even smiles when we visit. The only time she gets agitated and distressed is at every meal when everyone tries to get her to eat. She turns her head away, clenches her teeth, bites down on the cup and her facial expression is heartbreaking. She barely swallows anything. Antidepressants may be an option but what for?. Of course she's depressed, everything about her life sucks! I got her to take about 1cc of ensure yesterday, when I declared victory, she gave me the saddest most intense look. She spoke with her eyes and I decided to side with her, let her go. It's about HER and every waking hour she spends with Alzheimer. For years I have been trying to help her as best I can, but now, all she is asking for is to be left in peace with her will to die in dignity. Instead of holding a spoon in front of her I decided to hold her hand and tell her that I love her, that, I am there for her, and that I am allowing her to go in peace. I owe her that much. She fought hard and made me proud. She put me in charge of her care for years but now I'm giving her back control of her life. People may think I am insensitive but I realize that death is not the worse outcome for her. It is her solution, and I want her to know that I am still there for her.

It is not what you wan to hear, and I know this post is old. If someone wants to die it should be their decision and theirs alone. It is better than suffering for years and years. I am a firm believer that someone should have control over their life and their death and be able to choose when, where, and how they will die. Sure you love them, but you just want them to linger on and on. That is kind of selfish. We don't even do that to our pets. It is considered more humane to put them down or let them go instead of the continuance of suffering. We consider pets less valuable than a human life but people are supposed to suffer a long and cruel death.

If someone wants to die it should be their decision and theirs alone. It is better than suffering for years and years. I am a firm believer that someone should have control over their life and their death and be able to choose when where and how they will die. Sure you love them, but you just want them to linger on and on. That is kind of selfish. We don't even do that to our pets. It is considered more humane to put them down or let them go instead of the continuance of suffering. We consider pets less valuable than a human life but people are supposed to suffer a long and cruel death.

My dad is 82 , will not drink or eat... I live 2 hours away n with traffic it's 4 hours... my only sibiling brother lives with our parents... I see in his eyes the pain n fustration ... I want to support him the best I can. I feel guilty because I'm not there all the time .. my family is supportive but they also count on me to be home...my dad was given a medication to bring his appetite back, yesterday. Thank U for lisenig...

So sorry, Jennifer! 73 seems so young! She sounds very sick. What do the doctors tell you? Try talking to her regular doctor, who might be able to explain what is happening. Sometimes the nurses will be honest with you.

It sounds to me like she is gravely ill. What can you do? Sit with her and love her and hold her hand. Don't feel guilty about going home to rest and eat. You have to do that. I hope they can help her recover. Please let us know what happens.

My Mom is 73 years old and on Mothers's Day we had to take her to the hospital for her not eating, nose bleeds, throwing up and having diahria.... They found she had blood around and in brain.... She got out a week later and three days later we toke her back to find out she had floods around the brain.... She is still not eating.... She has been in the hospital a week and 3 days,but she still not eating.... Can someone tell me what are somethings I can do?

I'm having a similar issue with my dad. We lost my mother a week ago to cancer that progressed very rapidly and I've already had to obey her wishes for comfort care only and watch her die in front of us. I moved in with my parents when the doctors told us there was no longer anything they could do to treat mom. Now, I am trying to care for my dad and he is refusing to eat or drink or even really get out of bed. I understand that this is likely a part of the grieving process but my dad has some emotional issues at the best of times. I know he wants to give up, he's told us so. He also said he was angry at my sister because she made him "come back" after the funeral service. He had gone catatonic and was not responding to anyone, until my best friend told him that if he didn't look at her she was going to send him to the hospital. I don't want to watch him do this to himself, but at the same time, he is an adult and is still mentally competent. How much can, or should, I try to force him to do something he doesn't want to do? I offer him food, make sure it is there for him to eat, even fix it and bring it to home, but short of holding him down and forcing it down his throat (which I refuse to do) I can't force him to eat. He's diabetic so I know that eventually this is going to effect that also. I am going to call and talk to his medical team. But other than that, I'm honestly looking at just waiting for him to get bad and then call EMS to take him to the hospital for care. Does anyone have any other suggestions? Not sure I'm capable of watching another parent fade away in less than a month.

My mother is 91, she has Alzheimer and she refuses to eat. She says she wants to die. She was hospitalized and fed by a tube, now she is back home and she is asking to let her go. I feel horrible sad because I understand her request but at the same time it is my mom. I am divided. Please advise. Thanks

My mother is refusing to eat and drink, She has been to the hospital once already for fluids because of dehydration. But now when they bring the food tray to her she hollars to they to get it out. Once at the dinning room she pushed herself away from the table refusing to eat, The aide said you don't want to get dehydrated again, she said she does not want any IV's or feeding tubes. She seems like she is angry at us even bringing up eating at all. Is this her way to get back at us for having to put her in a nursing home or what. She had fallen and needed rehab which she was not progressing.

My Mom is 83, over the last 18 years since my Dad died she has become a drinker and drinks 4-6 drinks each day. We have had to move her back here from Florida, She hates it here, she is not eating, she sleeps all the time and when she is awake she drinks and smokes.
She does not think she has a issue with her drinking, she will lie and say she has a cocktail with dinner. She puts it in a papercup if it is earlier in the day.

My question is how long can she survive with out eating and drinking (non alcoholic) She is on a antidepressant. She just doesn't care anymore.

Hello Sheeshee and many similar posters-
This sounds very similar to my mother.
It is very painful when all someone talks about is wanting to die. My mother is treated for depression but still goes on and on about how she could attempt suicide. We have had interventions, but the pain is there with every conversation, wish and tear shed.
I believe attempting to come to terms with the inevitable is part of what we (adult children) must go through. Making sure everything is in place for after her death can be of some comfort for everyone involved. This too can be sure your mother does not have care against her wishes; comfort care only and no interventions to prolong her life.
On the other hand, perhaps taking her for a car ride, looking at a book of art together, listening to music, or whatever would be enjoyable together is a way to have a few moments away from the topic. Keeping her mobility will help with however her life ends to not be in pain.
/hugs

My mum passed away yesterday after 16 days of no eating and drinking.
I managed to get my mum home on Friday from the nursing home so I could care for her in her last few days and be with her at the end. It's been a horrible death to watch her go through but in the end she went with me holding her. It's the worst type of dying that anyone can imagine watching someone die from not eating and drinking is awful, the laws do need to change on euthanasia.

Very sad, I would just make sure they have a DNR.

Caz; I'm so sorry that you;re going through this. Yes, it's incredibly painful to watch, my MIL did this two years ago after having open heart surgery and refusing rehab, anti depressants, etc. I have no advice, just be at peace with her and yourself.

I am going through the same with my mother. My mum is 80 and suffered for 56 years from rhemutoid arthritis and many other ailments. She is in a nursing home and really wants to die she stopped eating and drinking 12 days ago and when she had full mental capacity told drs and staff that she has had a good life but really wants it to end and meet her family in heaven. It's very hard but I am respecting her wishes and allowing her to die. She gets very cross now as it's taking a long time when she wakes and sees me she cries as she is still here and not in heaven yet. It's hard watching her die like this but I know it's important for her and I respect her wishes and finally the carers have come to terms with her refusing food and water. Just hope her wishes come soon as it's very hard to see her so upset.

I so totally agree with Jinx!!! When we want to go, LET US GO! When I no longer know my daughter and grandaughter, I definitely don't want to be here any longer. I am already gone!

My mother (87) has slowed her food and drink intake way way down. I suspect that's a way asserting(?) some independence but also shutting down preparing for her destiny. I'd rather believe the independence theory.

every situation might be a little different but when an elder is in genuine mortal decline , at some point they will have no need for food and water because their systems are slowly shutting down. starvation and dehydration both produce a euphoria that is far from the worst imaginable way to pass on.
this sounds kind of negative or defeatist but it is often the reality of end of life.

Poor thing, Guilty one. I mean you, not your Mom.

For some people, it has been a fight to try to feel happy, and that fight has gone on for a lifetime. When you reach the point where you have lost your freedom and you are always in a little pain, it starts to feel like a good time to give up.

Try upping her pain medication. If that doesn't help, and she resists antidepressants, I would be inclined to stop trying so hard to force her to stay alive. We are kinder to our old sick pets.

I don't know your whole story, and I don't mean to offend you. I have fought depression most of my life, and I can imagine, once my body is failing, feeling like I just want to give up and REST in the grave. Don't blame yourself if that's how she feels now.

Just found this website found it very comforting as I am going thru same thing with my mother who is 82. She has a personality disorder as well as dementia and chronic depression just went through mastectomy in September for breast cancer. Lives in NH gets good care, but all she talks about is wanting "to die" .
Her dementia is getting much worse, very confused most of the time, doesn't want
To eat and has lost 10 lbs in the last month. We are trying to switch her anti depressants but it takes time and she fights taking medication. Every time I talk or see her that's all she talks about "how she wants to die" . It's getting to the point that I dread seeing her or talking to her and then I feel guilty.

Celexa really helped my Dad too....when he suddenly stopped eating and lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks. That was over a year ago. Dr knew my dad well, and knew he would never take an anti depressant, so she explained to him that the new med would help control how the synapses in his brain connected...(not a lie, since antidepressants affect serotonin levels in the brain) and she hoped would improve his brain. He was so worried about his dementia at this time, that he readily agreed. The drug increased his appetite within 2 weeks and he was looking forward to food again. He stayed at his weight for over 8 months, ad recently has put on another 6 pounds. In his memory care unit, they actually cook a full breakfast in the kitchen every AM, rather than bringing the meal from their kitchen, because they say that research shows that just smelling a cooking breakfast, wakes up the elderly with a good appetite.... so perhaps, as another suggested above, cooking something regularly with great smells, is worth a try! Me....I cannot resist the smell of cooking bacon!!

My mother has been home from theNH 4 weeks now. Last week she would eat 5 or more spoons of food. Now she will only eat breakfast (5 spoons) sometimes a gulp of liquids she sleeps all day and night mom says that she is just sleepy. I worry that something else is happening there is nothing I can do

How are the vitamin D levels?

So sad. My father wanted me to call Dr. Kevorkian for him!

There's probably nothing to do, but I have two suggestions. First, what helped my father was pain pills. The VA nurse said, "Give him two. He will fall asleep, and when he wakes up, he will have forgotten about it." Your dad probably has a level of pain that he doesn't quite notice, but it gets him down.

Second, cook a really delicious meal that smells wonderful, something he always used to like. Or homemade bread. If you don't do that, you can buy dough at the market or at the pizza shop. If the smell of that doesn't tempt him, he may be too far gone.

Ask his doctor for a hospice "assessment." His expected life is probably more than 6 months, but he is showing "failure to thrive," and they might have useful ideas to make him more comfortable.

God bless you both.

Me again, and my dad is on anti-depressants. His doc has changed his medications at least 3x since Feb, and he is back on the Celexa. But, he just wants to die and get out of here. He feels he has no real future and is just draining the money and draining me, for what? He asks. He wants to "go home" and be with my mom. He is a widower. I so understand his frustration, lonliness, etc. But, the medications can help somewhat, but sometimes you just cannot get back the life they once had, and the energy, stamina, friends (who have now died), etc. He wants to be with his friends, family and wife! And all of them who he was close to have all already transitioned. My gosh. I get it, and yet to see him just make a deliberate decision to waste away. Whew. We have a counselor starting next week, and the caregivers are coming in now, but... hrmmm... I don't know. I just don't know... I'm hoping the doctor can get in-home nursing help or something started. I'm going to do everything in my power to keep him out of the hospital or nursing home, etc., but, I may have to. He's already told (yelled at) me, with a fist in the air, that he will hit anyone who tries to take him out of that bed and to the hosp. Jeez. Good luck everyone who is dealing with this kind of situation. It's basically inexplainable to anyone who's not dealing with it. Love him so much and it just tears you apart to see them go through something like this. Blessings to all.