What to do when elderly parent refuses food or drink in an attempt to bring on death?

My mother is 91, she has Alzheimer and she refuses to eat. She says she wants to die. She was hospitalized and fed by a tube, now she is back home and she is asking to let her go. I feel horrible sad because I understand her request but at the same time it is my mom. I am divided. Please advise. Thanks

I'm having a similar issue with my dad. We lost my mother a week ago to cancer that progressed very rapidly and I've already had to obey her wishes for comfort care only and watch her die in front of us. I moved in with my parents when the doctors told us there was no longer anything they could do to treat mom. Now, I am trying to care for my dad and he is refusing to eat or drink or even really get out of bed. I understand that this is likely a part of the grieving process but my dad has some emotional issues at the best of times. I know he wants to give up, he's told us so. He also said he was angry at my sister because she made him "come back" after the funeral service. He had gone catatonic and was not responding to anyone, until my best friend told him that if he didn't look at her she was going to send him to the hospital. I don't want to watch him do this to himself, but at the same time, he is an adult and is still mentally competent. How much can, or should, I try to force him to do something he doesn't want to do? I offer him food, make sure it is there for him to eat, even fix it and bring it to home, but short of holding him down and forcing it down his throat (which I refuse to do) I can't force him to eat. He's diabetic so I know that eventually this is going to effect that also. I am going to call and talk to his medical team. But other than that, I'm honestly looking at just waiting for him to get bad and then call EMS to take him to the hospital for care. Does anyone have any other suggestions? Not sure I'm capable of watching another parent fade away in less than a month.

My Mom is 73 years old and on Mothers's Day we had to take her to the hospital for her not eating, nose bleeds, throwing up and having diahria.... They found she had blood around and in brain.... She got out a week later and three days later we toke her back to find out she had floods around the brain.... She is still not eating.... She has been in the hospital a week and 3 days,but she still not eating.... Can someone tell me what are somethings I can do?

So sorry, Jennifer! 73 seems so young! She sounds very sick. What do the doctors tell you? Try talking to her regular doctor, who might be able to explain what is happening. Sometimes the nurses will be honest with you.

It sounds to me like she is gravely ill. What can you do? Sit with her and love her and hold her hand. Don't feel guilty about going home to rest and eat. You have to do that. I hope they can help her recover. Please let us know what happens.

My dad is 82 , will not drink or eat... I live 2 hours away n with traffic it's 4 hours... my only sibiling brother lives with our parents... I see in his eyes the pain n fustration ... I want to support him the best I can. I feel guilty because I'm not there all the time .. my family is supportive but they also count on me to be home...my dad was given a medication to bring his appetite back, yesterday. Thank U for lisenig...

If someone wants to die it should be their decision and theirs alone. It is better than suffering for years and years. I am a firm believer that someone should have control over their life and their death and be able to choose when where and how they will die. Sure you love them, but you just want them to linger on and on. That is kind of selfish. We don't even do that to our pets. It is considered more humane to put them down or let them go instead of the continuance of suffering. We consider pets less valuable than a human life but people are supposed to suffer a long and cruel death.

It is not what you wan to hear, and I know this post is old. If someone wants to die it should be their decision and theirs alone. It is better than suffering for years and years. I am a firm believer that someone should have control over their life and their death and be able to choose when, where, and how they will die. Sure you love them, but you just want them to linger on and on. That is kind of selfish. We don't even do that to our pets. It is considered more humane to put them down or let them go instead of the continuance of suffering. We consider pets less valuable than a human life but people are supposed to suffer a long and cruel death.

I am going through the same kind of situation. I think we know when the end is near but it is in our nature to hang on. Recently my mom had an infection in her lungs. It was caused by aspiration of food into the lungs which sometimes happens when patients have difficulty swallowing. She was already weak from her refusal to eat and was not expected to survive. My mother is now calm and serene, she even smiles when we visit. The only time she gets agitated and distressed is at every meal when everyone tries to get her to eat. She turns her head away, clenches her teeth, bites down on the cup and her facial expression is heartbreaking. She barely swallows anything. Antidepressants may be an option but what for?. Of course she's depressed, everything about her life sucks! I got her to take about 1cc of ensure yesterday, when I declared victory, she gave me the saddest most intense look. She spoke with her eyes and I decided to side with her, let her go. It's about HER and every waking hour she spends with Alzheimer. For years I have been trying to help her as best I can, but now, all she is asking for is to be left in peace with her will to die in dignity. Instead of holding a spoon in front of her I decided to hold her hand and tell her that I love her, that, I am there for her, and that I am allowing her to go in peace. I owe her that much. She fought hard and made me proud. She put me in charge of her care for years but now I'm giving her back control of her life. People may think I am insensitive but I realize that death is not the worse outcome for her. It is her solution, and I want her to know that I am still there for her.

I would just say, "Mom I don't want you to give up. It hurts me to see you doing this to yourself. I don't know what I'd do without you, etc" Making her to see it through your eyes and have pity for you instead of herself is your best shot at success. It is a sad situation. Although part of me believes a persons rights to where, when, and how they should die is their decision, I do understand how you feel, especially if she has some good years left.

My mother wants do die because she has no quality of life. She is not dying but she screams that she wants to die every day. She is only 70. I am a 24 hour caregiver now. She cant vibe her hands anymore and she can barely walk. She has three herniated disc’s, severe arthritis, and just survived quadruple bypass. we thought she would get better after the surgery but she just keeps getting worse. She says they messed up her back when they cracked open her chest and that she would be better off if she never had the surgery! The doctor made her get off the morphine she was on before he would do the heart surgery. She was up to 60mg two times a day. Horrible pain. I remember when she used to crawl on the floor to get around the house. My mom had so much fight in her. He went cold turkey off the opiates because she wanted to prove to the doctor that she was ready and not addicted . It’s been 6 months and she is still refusing pain pills but she has no life. She is beyond Miserable. All the doctors can say is go good it is and how impressed they are that she is doing it without ANY pain Meds. NOW even if she wanted to go back on the pain Meds she can’t because they make her sooooo backed up she can’t go to the bathroom. (I have her one morphine and she didn’t poop for a week and we ended up in the ER) so now She says God hates her and she rather die than be in this much pain. She can’t feed herself, go to the bathroom by her self or even scratch her head when she has a itch. This is not life but I can’t do anything to help her. The doctor says to forcibly feed her but that is hell for me too. She screams at me and says if I love her I would just let her die. It breaks my heart. The doctors say she is just depressed. Well ya! If you were in screaming pain every minute of the day and had no dignity left, how would you feel? I just wish the doctors could make her comfortable!!! No one should live like this.

My mother wants to die because she has no quality of life. She is not dying but she screams that she wants to die every day. She is only 70. I am a 24 hour caregiver now. She cant use her hands anymore and she can barely walk. She has three herniated disc’s, severe arthritis, Autoimmune diseases and just survived quadruple bypass. we thought she would get better after the surgery but she just keeps getting worse. She says they messed up her back when they cracked open her chest and that she would be better off if she never had the surgery! The doctor made her get off morphine before he would do the heart surgery. She was up to 60mg two times a day. Horrible pain. I remember when she used to crawl on the floor to get around the house. She had full mobility before the surgery. My mom had so much fight in her. She went cold turkey off the opiates because she wanted to prove to the doctor that she was ready and not “addicted”. ( not everyone is addicted to opiates) It’s been 6 months and she is still refusing pain pills but she has no life due to the pain! She is beyond Miserable. All the doctors can say is how good it is and how “impressed” they are that she is doing it without ANY pain Meds. NOW even if she wanted to go back on the pain Meds she can’t because they make her sooooo backed up she can’t go to the bathroom. (I gave her one morphine and she didn’t poop for a week and we ended up in the ER) So now she says God hates her and she rather die than be in this much pain. She can’t feed herself, go to the bathroom by her self or even scratch her head when she has a itch. This is not life but I can’t do anything to help her. The doctor says to forcibly feed her but that is he11 for me too. She screams at me and says if I love her I would just let her die. It breaks my heart. The doctors say she is just depressed. Well ya! If you were in screaming pain every minute of the day and had no dignity left, how would you feel? I just wish the doctors could make her comfortable!!! No one should live like this.

Get her to a psychiatrist asap for an evaluation of her depression and other mental health issues.

Michel - If I were in that much pain and misery, I would not want to live either. It's like being tortured day and night. If my dog was in that much pain and misery, I would be so kind as to end its suffering. But somehow, people don't have that choice. That is so unfortunate.

I am so sorry for your mother and you.