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I go about once a week now due to disability and very little gas money. Each time I go, she is either soaking wet down to socks and shoes OR in the bathroom picking poop out of butt and washing it down the sink. She was doing the poop picking when I arrived this am. As USUAL, I help her wipe, clean up her fingers, flush stool, then, looked at her pamper and it was poopy as well. I get SO TIRED of having to CLEAN HER UP every single time I go visit. I looked down the hall and found an AIDE and motioned her to come and help my mom. I told her the story AGAIN...MOM NEEDS HELP with toileting. Poop is UNDER her fingernails and I didn't bring my fingernail poop cleaner today...she also has poppy pampers. Can you please help her????? LIVID!!! But, I didn't show it. A few minutes later, mom comes out of her room and sits with me on couch. I ask her how she is feeling....FINE she said. Then, I said, "I heard you were playing the piano earlier". She said YES....MEAN and hateful like. I asked her what song she played..figuring she would MAKE a story up as she always does. She got SO MEAN AND HATEFUL..and started YELLING AT ME. I asked..Why are you so mean and hateful towards me???/ her words....because YOU MAKE ME THAT WAY!!! I just got up and left. WHY IS THIS? I'm the ONLY one who has EVER been her caregiver, been to visit her, take her to her appt. take her to outings...the ONLY ONE!! I'm sorry I wasted my PRECIOUS GAS to go get THAT behavior..had it every day with her as a child. NO MORE.

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Mom has been on 18 different meds since her early 30's..she was bad wayy back then. I've had her re-evaluated each year by her med doc. He tweaks but she'll always be this way. She was hateful and mean when I was a child too. It's the poop-picking I want to get her help with..it's SO unsanitary and they don't watch or help her in the bathroom..then she EATS!
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Don't underestimate the psych evaluator - they see this stuff all the time. If I've seen limited amount of stuff and figured it out, I'm sure they can do even more because they see this stuff all the time. So get her evaluated-they may have a good answer.
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Gosh, you're right BonnyW in that a psych eval is in order. I shiver at the thought of it tho..she can't answer a question and just makes up a lie on the spot if you ask her a question. I can imagine the poor psych evaluator...he/she'd think everything mom said was true when in fact it is the opposite. I haven't been back to see her now in..gosh..10-11 days. That's the longest I've stayed away. I don't have gas money but DID get approved for disability two days ago. THANK GOD. Soon, I'll have a little money for gas and will go color her hair as it needs it badly. Thanks for the responses!!
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Sorry teachergear1 - I must've missed that part. But I agree that you should look into getting an attorney and asking the NH why she's allowed to be in her own poop. It may shake them up because let's face it - your mom is doing this for attention but that is not a rational behavior and she may need stricter supervision from the NH. It may also be a sign of severe anger and frustration over her own situation and her state of mind, so she is acting way out. My aunts did stuff like this before they finally died, and all we could do was watch, because they always found a way to do something or other that was so outrageous. The only alternative may to keep her sedated a lot, and I don't know if that's a good idea either. Maybe a total psych evaluation would be the next step - they may have better solutions. I hope so.
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BonnyW--are you referring to my mom or Silver's mom? The original post is from me and about my mom....and poop digging.
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BonnyW----Mom IS in a NH.
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Contacting an attorney sound like a great idea. I know finances are a problem, so I found this site: http://www.kansaslegalservices.org/. It does state on the page this link directs you to that they help with senior problems such as abuse. What your Mom is enduring is definitely abuse, and she needs to be removed from that horrible place ASAP. I personally would call an ambulance to transport her to ER next time I visited and she was in such deplorable condition. Take a camera and photograph her, then call the police to come document her condition. They may agree to file charges. Please let us know what is being done for her. Naming the nursing home in an ad in your local newspaper with a request to contact you with other families reports of abuse or neglect at the home would be helpful. It;s not expensive, either. A letter to the editor with details of your efforts with staff and photos would do worlds of good as well asking for same. Give 'em hell!
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Seriously, I do think it's time for your mother to be put into a senior facility.
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Hope you find answers. I'm 65 taking care of my 90 year old mom at home. She won't allow home health and I have NO help. I know it's hard for you to have her in a home, but try to tell the administrator that your attorney will be contacting Medicare (if she is on it) and if that doesn't work threaten them with a local film crew to show how they are leaving your mom wet and poopy. Sometimes it works. I know it's frustrating. My mom is Always constipated......the doctors say no and she gets furious. It's like the become OBSESSED with their bowels. I hope you get answers.
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That's the same question I have.
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I have been my mother's caregiver forever. I did doctor appts, took her shopping, took her everywhere she wanted to go. Now since I started working she has become very angry and very hateful to me. She has told me that she hates me on several occasions and when I tell her what she had said to me, she does not remember it and calls me a f'n liar and other things. I don't want to argue or fight with her so we don't talk anymore. Her doctor says it is early signs of dementia, but how do I help if she doesn't want anything to do with me.
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I agree NO MORE! But it would be nice to find a more caring facility. Wet and poopy does not make happy campers. Try to upgrade to a better nh.
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Teachergear1,, I wonder if you got the" Media" involved, if that might help? Sometimes when the" Public" sees whats going on more is done about it??!! Make documentation everytime you go in to see your mom, yhen show that to a reporter in your city or ,mial it to them w/copies of whats "NOT" happening to help your mom? Maybe then the powers that be will sit up and take notice! Just a thought,... since they might be in the same perdicament oneday??!! Have you in my prayers too....Godbless and take care of you!!
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I"m in KS. The last NH mom was in ..was okay for the first 4 months. THEN, the lied to me and did not take her back to the dr. for a follow up on toenail removal. I had taken her to ALL appts..to get her nails removed and new ones grew back and to her follow up visits one week later. This time, I could not take her to the follow up visit. I called and asked if they took her and nobody could tell me...nurses, nobody. The next day I drove to the NH and asked again as I looked at mom's toe and it was INFECTED and she was walking BAREFOOT!! I asked again if they took mom to her follow up appt on the toenail. Again, nobody could give me an answer..they said it wasn't on her chart that they took her. I told them, "Look at that toe! It's infected!!" None of her other toenail removals ever got infected and she the foot was filthy because they were letting her walk non-stop barefoot. I was getting mad. The nurse was vey mean ..the next one I talked to when I asked..." I need an answer...did you all take mom for her follow up appt on the toenail??? The nurse replied.."Doctor cancelled her appt." I said,,,NO WAY! He would never, ever cancel a follow up on a toenail removal. I know because I had each one of them removed. SO, right there in front of the nurse, I called dr. office and asked..."Did you cancel my mom's follow up appt. on her toenail removal? They replied,,,NO we did not..we waited all day and nobody every brought her". I repeated this as the nurse stood there looking at me hatefully. THe nurse then slammed the door in my face and locked it. I stayed on the phone with dr and asked them to send someone over right away because mom's toe looks awful...infected and swolled, etc. They sent someone over and put her on antibiotics. The next day, I took her OUT of that NH..that was NH number 4. She lived with me and I took her to another doctor who said she had MRSA in that toe...I was LIVID. Called the Elder Abuse people and they said they would look into it. About a month later, I got a letter from them saying they could find NOTHING wrong that the NH did. UGH!!! That's how it is in KS. Now, she is in the 5th NH in 6.5 years. They are all the same.
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Try to remember your mother has not changed she has always been the center of her universe and probably mentally ill. This kind of poop picking and denial happens frequently in the demented. elderly. It is not going to change. There is nothing you can do so accept that and take care of yourself. Untill you get your disability apply for everything there is out there including charities and churches however demeaning you feel that to be.
You seem to have done everything you can withing the N/H so send a letter to your State board of health and report the Nursing Home. You don't mention which state you are in but in NYS that will prompt a rapid inspection and penalties.dates and times are helpful as will be the names of everyone you speak to on your visits
For now while you can not afford the gas go less frequently, with your health issues it is too stressful and it does not help your mother.
Go maybe once a month and take a small gift - something really cheap like a single flower or piece of candy or fruit. Ask for your mother to be cleaned up. Don't find an Aide ring the bell and do it every five minutes three times. After that if you have a cell phone call the nurses station. Keep it pleasant at this stage but under no circumstances do the job yourself. Your back does not need the stress of fighting with an unpleasant smelly old lady. After about half an hour if nothing has happened. Put on a pair of rubber gloves and tell mother you are going for a walk, pick up a pair of her nastiest slippers and take her arm and walk her up to the nurses desk. Place the slippers on the desk and ask the duty nurse if she would like to see her mother forced to wear the slippers. After that you can get as nasty as you like but maintain your inner calm. On the other side of the coin if mother is cleaned up to your satisfaction. Just take her for a short walk making pleasant conversation, totally ignore anything unpleasant she says.return her to her room and leave
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Here is a link for reporting abuse and neglect of the elderly in Kansas:
http://health.mo.gov/safety/abuse/

Please take photos of your Mom when you arrive, including her wet clothing, dirty fingernails, etc. Make a list of your recent visits and the problems your Mom had when you walked in. My aunt (who recently passed of Alzheimer's herself) visited her aunt in a nursing home and was appalled at the condition she found her in. She put a red mark with a magic marker on her. She went back a couple of days later after calling daily to inquire if she had been bathed and changed. They said she had. The mark was still there, though. She had her proof. The state will assist you in moving her usually if there is documented abuse. I know what you mean about Mom's treatment never changing. We keep hoping for approval and appreciation that never comes.
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Enjoylife---The sad part is ...that is how mom always was to me and sis..mean, hateful, physically abusive. I know no other mom. Nobody ever visits her but me. Nobody ever takes her out of there to visit relatives, attend funerals, dr. appts, shopping, out to eat....but me. She's the same ole mom she's always been but I guess I was hoping she'd somehow be nicer to me now. I should have known better.
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THanks Tessamargaret and msdaizy. It's funny you mention your mom thinking that you are stealing her things. In my case, it is MOM who does the stealing..although she doesn't realize it. She goes into other residents' rooms and takes things such as, hair accessories, stuffed animals, shoes, etc. I find her using them and say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She lives in her own little world so she says...Oh, I went to town today and bought it..LOL. I learned a long time ago not to try to give it back to whomever she had stolen it from. I guess if the people miss their things, they can tell the aides to go search for them. Now, the mens clothes that she brings back, I DO give back and ask to find the rightful owner. Of course, she still argues with me saying they are HER clothes. Sigh. It's never ending..but one must laugh or we will cry.
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Sorry that you are treated this way...mom was always so sweet. I was the one that took care of everything for her also. When she fell in July I was told that she had a progressive dementia and could no longer live on her own. Since she moved in with my family and I. She has done the same to me. She used to feel bad that I was the only one of 8 kids that would be able to help her. I would go over 2 times a day and she would aways say she wouldn't want to be a burden on me. However...now she is in the 7th stage and she hates it here. Thinks we are all stealing her clothes, and money. It's so not my mom at all. So please just understand that it's the chemical in her brain . She has no control over the feelings anymore. My mom will go from smiling laughing and singing to ..feeling sorry for her self and frustrated mad. I have lorazepam .5 mg that I can give her and I usually give her something she loves along with it. Today it was cheetos...I hope you get some relief soon. It's definately tough to deal with by yourself.
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Gosh ! You are both suffering and I don't know if I can help with that, but I wanted to tell you of a conversation I had with someone at work recently. We were talking about our Mums (mine died in January - his is very old, demanding and contrary).
We agreed that our roles with our parent have somewhat reversed.
I can remember being a well stroppy teenager, unable to understand the restrictions I was subjected to, and drove my Mum to distraction!
We agreed that the roles are now reversed - they react just like we did ! 'Get out of my face' - 'You have no right' - 'I know what I'm doing' - or the classic - 'leave me alone, I'm ok - its you that's the problem.'
Having said that, the staff at your Mums place have a duty of care to look after your Mum, and clearly they are not doing so. I think you should kick up stink (appropriate!) - and ask some serious questions about her care.
Don't beat yourself up about your circumstances. You are doing the best you can according to your means. It's clear you care deeply. Change what you can, and don't stress over what you have no control over.
Best wishes to you and Mum
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lefaucon--I don't see any posting from you. Don't worry about retyping it all. If you want just give me a short version when you have time. I've had the same problem of mine not posting before here.
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Oh, I forgot. I'm in KANSAS.
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Wow..so many good responses and all at once! I don't know where to start thanking everyone for offering advice. I did check out this NH before I put mom in and it had a 5 star rating. It is VERy small..only holds 40 residents. This is the 5th NH I've tried in 6.5 years. In between..she's always lived with me. Siblings..somebody mentioned trying to get them to help. I've already tried that several times over the years and they simply want nothing at all to do with mom. It's like she is dead to them. I gave up even calling them when mom would have to go to the hospital for something because when I did, they never even went to visit her there. AND..they are BOTH closer to her than I am. It's always just been me. I do not even speak to my sister anymore. I rarely talk to my brother. I just keep on keeping on. I did go to SS today and they said that a decision has been made on my case. She said she had everything that she needed and will call me Monday to "finish up". She also said I was "protected" from July. I have no idea what that means and I didn't even ask. I was in such pain just standing there waiting for her to look up my case. I will need to reread all of these posts after I rest my back some..did some cleaning today and now I'll be down in the back for several days. Wish the dr would have given me some pain medication that actually works...another story. THANK YOU all. You are so kind and helpful! God bless each and every one of you. We are all in this together and it's so nice to have some support. YOU are my only support so thank you very much!!
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Whats wrong with this site? I commented on teachergear1's question and it isn't even posted here and I wrote it over an hour ago and I see that new posts have been written after me. Do I have to re-write all that I wrote to you teachergirl1?
lefaucon
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My Mom lives with me and she thinks she has to dig poop out everytime she pees. She doesnt lock the bathroom door so I am alway checking on her so she doesnt dig. She gets mad and says she doesnt do it. But I check her fingernails and sides of my tolitet and it is there. That is the one thing that does drive me nuts. No way of stopping it unless I stand there while she goes. Very sad she was one of the cleanest people I know.
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mom, despite he decline in some areas, is aware of the lack of care being provided to her. Her senses are telling her that something is not right and that she is uncomfortable..as with many of us, we have a tendency to vent to those that we are sure will not abandon us, you are that person...My feeling as that you may want to explore an alternative setting for Mom...many of these places ar run by large corporations who ar only in it to meet licensure needs minimally and make a ton of money ....this is what you see when you are there , it frightens me to think of what is going on when you are not...seek help if needed from the agency in your county serving older adults, they may guide you through if necessary
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Oh, I see now that a lot of people mentioned this stuff, it just hadn't loaded on my screen! Sorry!
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Nobody mentioned it, but if you want to get the nursing home to do their job, start documenting everything, taking pictures when you arrive and find feces on her hands, dirty adult diapers, etc. Keep exact logs of bowel and bladder issues and staff response when notified, how long it took them, anything you can. Make it obvious that you are photographing and logging, and that you need the information to discuss the situation with the State Board of Health. Ask them for the number of their Ombudsman (they are required to have one and give it to you). Nothing makes a NH respond better than fear of being reported, and the board of health takes a special interest in bowel and bladder issues, not just abuse. The NH is being paid to provide service, and they can indeed put your mom on a toilet assistance schedule. Talk to the administrator, make an appt. Talk to their Social Worker (they have one!), make an appointment. You have to go higher up than nursing staff. Above all, stay calm and polite, but be firm! This is a patient care issue, and it IS their job. Trust me, if the Board of Health arrived for their random inspections and saw fecal matter on your mother's hands, they would certainly make note! Also, even though you are frustrated cleaning her up, do it quietly and don't let it show. I'm guessing your mom knows enough to be humiliated on some level, and also can't control her behavior about elimination. People revert to early behaviors, so it's like yelling at a toddler who is learning toileting for the first time
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Teachergear1, When you file your disability claime, tell them what your situation is? This might help in expiditing it for you? Just a thought. Or,..... how about having your siblings help take some of the resonsibility of caring for their mom too!?? Why are you the only one to carry the stress of caregiving?? Is she not their mother too? This way they can "SHARE" the" Same Disrespect" that you do from your mom...?! I know it's hard and there doesn't seem to be an end insite... but we are in your corner if you need to vent! Take care of you too!!! Godbless
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Dear Teachergear, I am so appaled at the NH you have your mom in!!! This sounds to me like "ELDER ABUSE"... you can file a complaint because there are LAW'S agaist it! PLEASE look for information here and ask, there are many on this site that can "steer" you in the right direction. My sis is a CNA at a facility in Wa.,state, and they check their residents every 2 hrs ? Can't imagine it any different across the country??! Well,... know I'm sayin my prayes for you too!! Hang in there, you are doing everything you can for her at the moment... God sees that you are helping her and that should give you some comfort...I hope. Godbless
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