Why is mom SO hateful, mean and ALWAYS disrespectful to me?? I'm the ONLY one who has ever cared for her and visit her at the NH.

Does your mother know who you are? Is she thinking you're a stranger?

@ teachergear1 , I have worked with lots of patients that are this way.. Your mother is confused and she knows she is confused.. She doesn't have control of the way she thinks or the things she does.. That's why she may be talking to you and it doesn't make good sense to u.. It just doesn't come out or happen the way she wants it to...and she gets up set.. Sorry you have to experience this.. PLEASE don't take it personal.. She will always be your mother the same mother you've always had.. Just with a different mind set.

She knows me, says my name upon seeing me. I think it has something to do with her poop picking....She fights me to wash it off of her fingers..then says she does NOT dig poop out of her butt...she does this while she is digging poop out. It's not that she's constipated either. Stool is normal. She just forgets to grunt. I am always reminding her to GRUNT..that's how we get the poop out. She gets MAD at me for doing that but once she grunts, there goes the poop. How in the world do we ever get those that pick poop out to stop? I've tried getting a toileting plan but her dr's nurse said, "We don't prescribe toileting plans". ????

@teachergear there is a jumpsuit that zips up the back.. Your mother can't get if off without assist.. This will also mean that the aids would have to take her to the bathroom every 2 hours... To help her.. I hope this helps...

That's interesting. I've never heard of the jumpsuit. Where would I get one? And, if I did get one, I already know that the aides would not take her every two hours. They pay no attention to her whatsoever. I think the reason they don't is because she is so mobile..the only resident in the NH that walks all day long and is not confined to bed. She's always been that way..constantly moving. I think because she is that way, they think they don't have to help her with anything at all. I get so frustrated with them.

They wash every night in the NH.. So that shouldn't be a problem. About the aids taking your mother to the bathroom..Talk to the nurse on duty and let her know you need help keeping your mother clean!. I know that's there JOB.. And if they can't do it..PLEASE talk to the D.O.N.. They don't want to lose her as a resident..P.S. .. Or ask for a meeting with the Nurse on that Hall and the Director Of Nurses. .. Let them know you CARE!.. If you don't show you are upset about it they just feel like she is just another person that is in a NH with no one to really care about her.. So they do 50%of there job... Also just because she is a walker doesn't mean they don't have to keep an eye on her..Before doing all of this check your hand book on how often she is to be checked or change..I Hope This Works Out For You..

Enjoylife--Thank you,I found the jumpsuit...70.00!! Can't afford that at all. I have talked to the DON and all nurses..all shifts and aides about this time after time. It does no good at all. I'm still stuck..ugh. The NH mom is in (this is the 5th one I've tried in 6 years) doesn't wash clothes often. I tried and tried to get them to wash mom's slippers that she had pottied on so many times and it dried..they smelled SO badly, I couldn't stand it. Each time I'd go back, I'd check to see if they'd washed them and no...they had not. I had to buy more shoes for her again so she would have clean ones to wear. This happened to the second pair too. I finally got mad the other day and tried to hand-wash them in her sink in the bathroom. You should have seen the dirt that kept coming out of them and urine! Can't tell you how many pairs of shoes I've bought for her but when she potties, she keeps on for hours and her pamper is overflowing so it runs down her legs into her socks and shoes. Socks and shoes are SO wet with urine. I always start cleaning her up as soon as I get there and it just kills my back (degenerative disc disease). There is usually nobody around..aides, nurses..and the halls are so very long from one end of building to the other to go look for one. (sigh).

How about buying her 2 pairs of white washable sneakers, then you could take a bundle of things home once a week and add bleach to the wash. I would only buy her clothes that are washable and bleachable, (maybe you could go a consignment shop or Goodwill etc. where you can pick up some clothing for her at a bargain price. She'll have one set of clothing at the NH for the week while you are washing the other set to bring back to her for the following week.

I used to do all of her laundry...every item because the NH washes everything in hot water and it shrank up all of her clothes. I did this with no help from silblings as usual for several years. Back then, I had money for gas and wasn't in the shape I'm in today. The NH she is in now is 16-17 miles from me and I have no gas money, no job.(can't work anymore) .am awaiting disability determination. I'm behind on bills...phone/internet to be shut off soon. I've pawned or sold anything I had of value just to keep afloat waiting on disability. I never thought I would be in this condition at age 54 but I've worked hard my enire life (since 2nd grade). My back is shot and a host of other problems. Sister and I were made to work as soon as we got home from school each day and all weekends, cleaning the entire house (2 story), doing all laundry, doing all garden work (we had a HUGE garden)..doing all cooking, dishes, etc. Mom never worked and I still to this day have no idea what she did all day long all those years besides look at herself in the mirror. She still does this by the way. It's like she's in love with herself. I realize that's the N in her. But back to my situation...I just have no money for gas to do her laundry once a week.. I'm not even going to be able to visit her when next week gets here unless disability goes through. I just keep praying.

PS, the picture of me is from 2003.

I don't know what state you are in, but please contact your state's elder care agency (often through Department of Human Services). States monitor nursing homes, and they can be seriously fined for poor care, uncleanliness, etc. They need to be reported. A memory care nursing home specifically for Alzheimer's, dementia, and brain injury patients can be a real blessing for both of you. Have you complained to her physicians? Please report this, not only for you and your Mom but all the other patients there as well. Nursing homes are rated-there is a list of those with bad reports and poor care. If you would let us know your location, perhaps some of the other caregivers here can point you to a good home or local services to call and raise holy h*ll. This is abuse. I am disabled, too, and my Mom's caregiver. Money is always a problem for me. The stress over your Mom has to be taking a toll on your mental and physical health, too.

First of all,you need to take some time for yourself. You are stressed out and are no good to your mom if you get sick from all the stress. I know, because I ended up with shingles in the midst of micro-managing my mom's care. When visiting, I would advise you to turn to the doctor in charge of her case to order more supervision of her toileting. Also check in, even by phone to remind them that your mom needs supervision. Additionally, I advise you to find an aide/nurse to do the "work' when you get there and see her in the midst of these behaviors. You need to take a step back, which I know is so hard to do. Remember, when you are not there at the NH, this still goes on and she obviously continues with the same behaviors. I believe that your mom lashes out at you due to a deep seated embarrassment and the fact that many patients lash out at family members because they recognize them at some level. The rotation of aides is so often, that they are not always recognized .
Finally, spend some time getting some services to support your financial situation. YOU have done SO much! Take care of YOURSELF!

Dear Teachergear, I am so appaled at the NH you have your mom in!!! This sounds to me like "ELDER ABUSE"... you can file a complaint because there are LAW'S agaist it! PLEASE look for information here and ask, there are many on this site that can "steer" you in the right direction. My sis is a CNA at a facility in Wa.,state, and they check their residents every 2 hrs ? Can't imagine it any different across the country??! Well,... know I'm sayin my prayes for you too!! Hang in there, you are doing everything you can for her at the moment... God sees that you are helping her and that should give you some comfort...I hope. Godbless

Teachergear1, When you file your disability claime, tell them what your situation is? This might help in expiditing it for you? Just a thought. Or,..... how about having your siblings help take some of the resonsibility of caring for their mom too!?? Why are you the only one to carry the stress of caregiving?? Is she not their mother too? This way they can "SHARE" the" Same Disrespect" that you do from your mom...?! I know it's hard and there doesn't seem to be an end insite... but we are in your corner if you need to vent! Take care of you too!!! Godbless

Nobody mentioned it, but if you want to get the nursing home to do their job, start documenting everything, taking pictures when you arrive and find feces on her hands, dirty adult diapers, etc. Keep exact logs of bowel and bladder issues and staff response when notified, how long it took them, anything you can. Make it obvious that you are photographing and logging, and that you need the information to discuss the situation with the State Board of Health. Ask them for the number of their Ombudsman (they are required to have one and give it to you). Nothing makes a NH respond better than fear of being reported, and the board of health takes a special interest in bowel and bladder issues, not just abuse. The NH is being paid to provide service, and they can indeed put your mom on a toilet assistance schedule. Talk to the administrator, make an appt. Talk to their Social Worker (they have one!), make an appointment. You have to go higher up than nursing staff. Above all, stay calm and polite, but be firm! This is a patient care issue, and it IS their job. Trust me, if the Board of Health arrived for their random inspections and saw fecal matter on your mother's hands, they would certainly make note! Also, even though you are frustrated cleaning her up, do it quietly and don't let it show. I'm guessing your mom knows enough to be humiliated on some level, and also can't control her behavior about elimination. People revert to early behaviors, so it's like yelling at a toddler who is learning toileting for the first time

Oh, I see now that a lot of people mentioned this stuff, it just hadn't loaded on my screen! Sorry!

mom, despite he decline in some areas, is aware of the lack of care being provided to her. Her senses are telling her that something is not right and that she is uncomfortable..as with many of us, we have a tendency to vent to those that we are sure will not abandon us, you are that person...My feeling as that you may want to explore an alternative setting for Mom...many of these places ar run by large corporations who ar only in it to meet licensure needs minimally and make a ton of money ....this is what you see when you are there , it frightens me to think of what is going on when you are not...seek help if needed from the agency in your county serving older adults, they may guide you through if necessary

My Mom lives with me and she thinks she has to dig poop out everytime she pees. She doesnt lock the bathroom door so I am alway checking on her so she doesnt dig. She gets mad and says she doesnt do it. But I check her fingernails and sides of my tolitet and it is there. That is the one thing that does drive me nuts. No way of stopping it unless I stand there while she goes. Very sad she was one of the cleanest people I know.

Whats wrong with this site? I commented on teachergear1's question and it isn't even posted here and I wrote it over an hour ago and I see that new posts have been written after me. Do I have to re-write all that I wrote to you teachergirl1?
lefaucon

Wow..so many good responses and all at once! I don't know where to start thanking everyone for offering advice. I did check out this NH before I put mom in and it had a 5 star rating. It is VERy small..only holds 40 residents. This is the 5th NH I've tried in 6.5 years. In between..she's always lived with me. Siblings..somebody mentioned trying to get them to help. I've already tried that several times over the years and they simply want nothing at all to do with mom. It's like she is dead to them. I gave up even calling them when mom would have to go to the hospital for something because when I did, they never even went to visit her there. AND..they are BOTH closer to her than I am. It's always just been me. I do not even speak to my sister anymore. I rarely talk to my brother. I just keep on keeping on. I did go to SS today and they said that a decision has been made on my case. She said she had everything that she needed and will call me Monday to "finish up". She also said I was "protected" from July. I have no idea what that means and I didn't even ask. I was in such pain just standing there waiting for her to look up my case. I will need to reread all of these posts after I rest my back some..did some cleaning today and now I'll be down in the back for several days. Wish the dr would have given me some pain medication that actually works...another story. THANK YOU all. You are so kind and helpful! God bless each and every one of you. We are all in this together and it's so nice to have some support. YOU are my only support so thank you very much!!

Oh, I forgot. I'm in KANSAS.

lefaucon--I don't see any posting from you. Don't worry about retyping it all. If you want just give me a short version when you have time. I've had the same problem of mine not posting before here.

Gosh ! You are both suffering and I don't know if I can help with that, but I wanted to tell you of a conversation I had with someone at work recently. We were talking about our Mums (mine died in January - his is very old, demanding and contrary).
We agreed that our roles with our parent have somewhat reversed.
I can remember being a well stroppy teenager, unable to understand the restrictions I was subjected to, and drove my Mum to distraction!
We agreed that the roles are now reversed - they react just like we did ! 'Get out of my face' - 'You have no right' - 'I know what I'm doing' - or the classic - 'leave me alone, I'm ok - its you that's the problem.'
Having said that, the staff at your Mums place have a duty of care to look after your Mum, and clearly they are not doing so. I think you should kick up stink (appropriate!) - and ask some serious questions about her care.
Don't beat yourself up about your circumstances. You are doing the best you can according to your means. It's clear you care deeply. Change what you can, and don't stress over what you have no control over.
Best wishes to you and Mum

Sorry that you are treated this way...mom was always so sweet. I was the one that took care of everything for her also. When she fell in July I was told that she had a progressive dementia and could no longer live on her own. Since she moved in with my family and I. She has done the same to me. She used to feel bad that I was the only one of 8 kids that would be able to help her. I would go over 2 times a day and she would aways say she wouldn't want to be a burden on me. However...now she is in the 7th stage and she hates it here. Thinks we are all stealing her clothes, and money. It's so not my mom at all. So please just understand that it's the chemical in her brain . She has no control over the feelings anymore. My mom will go from smiling laughing and singing to ..feeling sorry for her self and frustrated mad. I have lorazepam .5 mg that I can give her and I usually give her something she loves along with it. Today it was cheetos...I hope you get some relief soon. It's definately tough to deal with by yourself.

THanks Tessamargaret and msdaizy. It's funny you mention your mom thinking that you are stealing her things. In my case, it is MOM who does the stealing..although she doesn't realize it. She goes into other residents' rooms and takes things such as, hair accessories, stuffed animals, shoes, etc. I find her using them and say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She lives in her own little world so she says...Oh, I went to town today and bought it..LOL. I learned a long time ago not to try to give it back to whomever she had stolen it from. I guess if the people miss their things, they can tell the aides to go search for them. Now, the mens clothes that she brings back, I DO give back and ask to find the rightful owner. Of course, she still argues with me saying they are HER clothes. Sigh. It's never ending..but one must laugh or we will cry.

Enjoylife---The sad part is ...that is how mom always was to me and sis..mean, hateful, physically abusive. I know no other mom. Nobody ever visits her but me. Nobody ever takes her out of there to visit relatives, attend funerals, dr. appts, shopping, out to eat....but me. She's the same ole mom she's always been but I guess I was hoping she'd somehow be nicer to me now. I should have known better.

Here is a link for reporting abuse and neglect of the elderly in Kansas:
http://health.mo.gov/safety/abuse/

Please take photos of your Mom when you arrive, including her wet clothing, dirty fingernails, etc. Make a list of your recent visits and the problems your Mom had when you walked in. My aunt (who recently passed of Alzheimer's herself) visited her aunt in a nursing home and was appalled at the condition she found her in. She put a red mark with a magic marker on her. She went back a couple of days later after calling daily to inquire if she had been bathed and changed. They said she had. The mark was still there, though. She had her proof. The state will assist you in moving her usually if there is documented abuse. I know what you mean about Mom's treatment never changing. We keep hoping for approval and appreciation that never comes.

Try to remember your mother has not changed she has always been the center of her universe and probably mentally ill. This kind of poop picking and denial happens frequently in the demented. elderly. It is not going to change. There is nothing you can do so accept that and take care of yourself. Untill you get your disability apply for everything there is out there including charities and churches however demeaning you feel that to be.
You seem to have done everything you can withing the N/H so send a letter to your State board of health and report the Nursing Home. You don't mention which state you are in but in NYS that will prompt a rapid inspection and penalties.dates and times are helpful as will be the names of everyone you speak to on your visits
For now while you can not afford the gas go less frequently, with your health issues it is too stressful and it does not help your mother.
Go maybe once a month and take a small gift - something really cheap like a single flower or piece of candy or fruit. Ask for your mother to be cleaned up. Don't find an Aide ring the bell and do it every five minutes three times. After that if you have a cell phone call the nurses station. Keep it pleasant at this stage but under no circumstances do the job yourself. Your back does not need the stress of fighting with an unpleasant smelly old lady. After about half an hour if nothing has happened. Put on a pair of rubber gloves and tell mother you are going for a walk, pick up a pair of her nastiest slippers and take her arm and walk her up to the nurses desk. Place the slippers on the desk and ask the duty nurse if she would like to see her mother forced to wear the slippers. After that you can get as nasty as you like but maintain your inner calm. On the other side of the coin if mother is cleaned up to your satisfaction. Just take her for a short walk making pleasant conversation, totally ignore anything unpleasant she says.return her to her room and leave

I"m in KS. The last NH mom was in ..was okay for the first 4 months. THEN, the lied to me and did not take her back to the dr. for a follow up on toenail removal. I had taken her to ALL appts..to get her nails removed and new ones grew back and to her follow up visits one week later. This time, I could not take her to the follow up visit. I called and asked if they took her and nobody could tell me...nurses, nobody. The next day I drove to the NH and asked again as I looked at mom's toe and it was INFECTED and she was walking BAREFOOT!! I asked again if they took mom to her follow up appt on the toenail. Again, nobody could give me an answer..they said it wasn't on her chart that they took her. I told them, "Look at that toe! It's infected!!" None of her other toenail removals ever got infected and she the foot was filthy because they were letting her walk non-stop barefoot. I was getting mad. The nurse was vey mean ..the next one I talked to when I asked..." I need an answer...did you all take mom for her follow up appt on the toenail??? The nurse replied.."Doctor cancelled her appt." I said,,,NO WAY! He would never, ever cancel a follow up on a toenail removal. I know because I had each one of them removed. SO, right there in front of the nurse, I called dr. office and asked..."Did you cancel my mom's follow up appt. on her toenail removal? They replied,,,NO we did not..we waited all day and nobody every brought her". I repeated this as the nurse stood there looking at me hatefully. THe nurse then slammed the door in my face and locked it. I stayed on the phone with dr and asked them to send someone over right away because mom's toe looks awful...infected and swolled, etc. They sent someone over and put her on antibiotics. The next day, I took her OUT of that NH..that was NH number 4. She lived with me and I took her to another doctor who said she had MRSA in that toe...I was LIVID. Called the Elder Abuse people and they said they would look into it. About a month later, I got a letter from them saying they could find NOTHING wrong that the NH did. UGH!!! That's how it is in KS. Now, she is in the 5th NH in 6.5 years. They are all the same.

Teachergear1,, I wonder if you got the" Media" involved, if that might help? Sometimes when the" Public" sees whats going on more is done about it??!! Make documentation everytime you go in to see your mom, yhen show that to a reporter in your city or ,mial it to them w/copies of whats "NOT" happening to help your mom? Maybe then the powers that be will sit up and take notice! Just a thought,... since they might be in the same perdicament oneday??!! Have you in my prayers too....Godbless and take care of you!!