My parents live with me and my mother is extremely manipulative when we're alone together. How do I handle her manipulative behavior?

Please forgive me for saying so but your mother sounds as if she was acting like a whining child when she couldn't walk ten feet further to the car. Perhaps she REALLY couldn't but if that was the case, why did she want to go to Costco? Your mother should have been taken home. That's what one would do with a child that said it couldn't walk any further to a car but then wanted to go to a toystore. I may sound mean and nasty but I think you have to " call her" on this manipulation. If you had taken her home and she sulked, so be it. Sulking won't kill either her or you; she would have lived to see another day and you would have been pleased with how you handled the manipulation. If she had asked why you wouldn't take her anywhere but home you could just have said that you were so concerned about her since she said she was in SUCH AGONY and could not finish the walk to the car that you thought it would be uncaring and irresponsible of you to take her anywhere but home.

You have to outsmart her if she starts what, to you, looks like manipulation. Don't ask your father to sort this out. I think you did right to move the car and get the wheelchair because there WAS the possibility that your mother WAS in agony. But when she asked to go shopping, then you needed to stand up to her and say that since, in the previous few minutes, she had been in such agony you couldn't possibly consider taking her to Costco. Perhaps your mother has reached the stage where she thinks more like a child than an adult and therefore needs you to act like a wise mother. Please let me know what happens if she acts in a similar way again and you act like a wise mother dealing with a child instead of you being your mother's dutiful child trying to keep her happy. Good luck.

Definitely don't ask your father to sort this out because he will probably deny it. Also, I've found that paying attention to my gut feeling lets me know when someone is trying to manipulate me much quicker than my brain figures it out which by then is usually too late. Manipulators use chaos, etc. to accomplish their goals so that we are not in tune with our feelings enough to know when they are putting on the manipulation game with a load of guilt while cracking the whip of fear and obligation.

LISA:

No matter what you say and do, your parents are a team. She's playing you like a fiddle; and he's the silent partner who will not intercede until you find the courage to put your foot down and she starts dumping on him. Pitting them against each other is a losing proposition, so treat them as a unit. And yes my dear, Peter will definitely have to pay for Pauline. It's your house, they are your guests, and you are no one's beast of burden. As long as you keep catering to your mother's every whim and tantrum, nothing is going to change.

-- ED

I have the same experience with my mother-in-law and successfully have done what LCS has suggested. I call her bluff. I have taken her home and told her since she is so ill, then she needs to be home resting. then she does not try it again for a while. either she forgets so just tries her antics again, and again I call her bluff. My husband was siding with her until I let him take care of her 1/2 the time. Over time he has realized-it is just the way she is and has always been. He now calls her bluff also and being an only child, this was hard for him at first

You have to learn to take things away...if she wants her wheelchair ONLY at certain times when it is inconvenient, tell her it will be easier for everyone involved if you just take the walker away and "we will only be using the wheelchair from now on". I realize you want to discuss things with your Dad to get feedback, but obviously he isn't wanting to see or CAN'T see the reality of it, and YOU are the one having to care for your Mother's needs, so, my advice, if she whines about ANYTHING, take it from her and say there is no need for it any longer if it gives her pain. You have to show tough love at times, even to your own parents that we are all suppose to honor and respect.

Even though my dad knew my mom was difficult, whenever I complained as a kid, teen or adult, he always stood by her, he didn't defend her but he stood by her. So I agree with Ed, your folks are a unit. Right or wrong you have to admire them for their loyalty. It'll probably take some effort but you need to stop your mom from working you. I say this because I let my mom walk all over me forever and then one day I woke up and stopped it. If your mom is going to act like a kid, treat her like one. I agree with the others, if she can't make it to the car then she needs to get your butt back home. Costco should've been a "treat". I know you meant well. Some situations require drastic measures. Good luck, you can do it and I'll bet you'll see a big difference in everyone, hopefully to your advantage!!

A reasonable amount of self-defense is warranted here. I agree with others who say, "If she whines, take it away." No one with any sense would allow one of their children or a friend to treat them this way. Just because she's your mother does not mean you have to let yourself be verbally and emotionally abused.

Your dad sounds like he is codependent upon your mother and so enmeshed with her emotions that he can't see it because that would be too painful.

Wow! Your mom and mine sound like twins! I am an only "child" and she waits to tell me all the "bad" stuff and to say how everyone is mad at her, hurting and/or neglecting her.

I can't add anything to the wisdom others have shared except this:
Get counseling for yourself. Go out with friends. Be /enjoy who you really are at least part of the time. Also( I learned this from my counselor) sometimes good enough is enough. Don't aim for perfection.
God bless you !

Sounds like your mom may be the youngest child like mine - used to getting what she wants if she has a hissy fit. I am considering getting counseling for a co dependent relationship. If you suspect that you may have the same with your mother, counseling to learn how best to deal with her moods should be of some help.