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In reading your story, it sounds extremely stressful and complicated. However, it sounds as though you are doing everything as well as you can. If you have a joint account with your mother, you should be able to monitor her accounts without a full POA. Do you have a personal account with that bank? If so, you might be able to transfer funds for "safe keeping" and treat it as a "escrow" account. Does your mother have credit cards? If so, can you turn them off?
Now that she is in an assisted living facility/senior complex, have you seen the hoarding behavior subside? IF getting the second doctor's statement is still a goal, have you consulted with your mother's senior complex? I am not familiar with California law, but I would guess that the complex has a social worker on staff and possibly a geriatrician on call.
One last thought:
Alzeihmer's and Dimentia can have some extremely unpleasant sides to them. Just because your mom accuses her of stealing your money, does not mean that deep down inside somewhere in a part of her you will never again see that she does not appreciate everything you are doing. As hard as this is to share, sometimes you've got to just let things roll off your back. Decide what you are willing to accept (even if it sucks, is not in your mom's best interest, etc.) and what you are willing to invest extreme energy to impact. Know you are a good daughter and that your love will not be for naught. A nurse once told me that no act of kindess or compassion goes unnoticed, even if it seems that way in the moment.
All I can tell you is that in my case, God provided the way. Mom is still somewhat independent, although living in an assisted facility, but I have a durable POA which means I can watch over her decisions to make sure everything is on the up and up, but I also have the power to do something when necessary.
I have all mail forwarded to me (so parent's do not get scammed). I bring them legit mail. I write all their bills so dad (with Alzheimer's does not tear up checkbook). I ask mom if she wants a record of all her accounting and taxes. She chooses whether she wants to see it or not.
I give her the choices financially with all the information, then I do it her way. Sometimes with scams I have to protect her a bit, but its not too bad.
You need to work as a team with doctors, and any other support staff. Do not alienate, but provide facts and in my world I play "a bit dumb" to get them to come to decisions or suggestions. Works really well.
But perhaps if you sit with your father/mother and discuss all options and consequences, maybe you will find a different result. Sometimes you may have to be more fierce in your protection of our loved ones, but it might be a lot less fighting if you treat them with the dignity prior to their illness.
I'd go with the primary care doctor's suggestions and take her to the neurologist. Evidently Secure Horizons does not know that psychiatrists deal with mental illness and dementia is not a mental illness but a loss of brain function which a neurologist is far more qualified to determine.
I could not imagine that banks would be exempt from state laws concerning action on a durable POA.
She fell and broke her hip a couple of months ago and while she was in hospital and rehab center for about 6 weeks, I cleaned up her house. Recycled tons of catalogs and other junk mail, containers from food, jars and bottles, etc., threw out old, useless stuff; put alike things together in few boxes instead of lots of boxes partially filled, etc. Cleaned, washed, scrubbed. You get the picture. Of course now she wants to know where I put everything! Good thing I have a memory.
I wanted to tell you how you can handle her bills. Have them automatically deducted from her checking or savings account. Even charge cards can be paid automatically. You just have to have all of her account numbers. You can even do this online. Since your name is on her accounts, set up an online account access and sign up for auto bill pay that way or through each individual utility, etc. It will take 2 - 3 months to start but then it's smooth sailing after that... unless your Mom closes that account! She might even like the idea of her bills being paid automatically. No late charges and the payments will appear on her bill copies or she can check them online anytime. Also can have her pension or social security check go to that account automatically so you will know that there are always funds available. If she has more than one account in the same bank, you can go online and transfer funds from one account to another. This was a miracle for me! My Mom doesn't know that I am keeping track of her expenditures this way, but it is for her own safety and well-being! Good luck!
I'll check on the bank and the two letters, but I think banks are exempt.
I had my mother's neurologist do this and he wrote up a notarized statement saying she was no longer competent to conduct her business in a business like fashion. Her primary care doctor did the same thing.
I'm taking notes so that hopefully I won't be this much trouble for my son and his wife.....
If she wants cash - give her $200 in $1 & $5's and tell her to hide it in her room. Tell her that all her monthly income goes to pay her rent at the assisted living center. Tell her that "they" don't want residents to keep money in their rooms. Do not ever let her have a check book or charge card. If she has TV or phone that are paid by YOU - tell her those are included in the rent and then have all bills sent to yourself.
At some point we can no longer be honest with our elders, especially if they have dementia or alzheimers. It only serves to confuse and agitate them even more. We move from being a child to being their care giver and it's a really difficult shift to make, it's painful, it doesn't feel natural but it's necessary. As long as you're honest with your family, ensuring that your mom has the best care possible, that all her funds go to make her safe and as healthy as possible - then it's all you can do. I hope you can learn some way to communicate with your mom - it will all be up to you, she can't understand - so that you can share some laughter and loving moments. It's hard but lieing to her will help - it will make her feel like things are all just fine and you'll be less stressed.
Best of luck to both of you.
but you need to go through the courts, not the banks..good luck, God smiles on you!!
my point is that its a health hazard having a house like that, belive me I KNOW. my dad got ripped off by my brother, so he thinks im out to get his money now, too.im banging my head against a wall here, so i completly understand where you are. your so lucky to have an understanding husband for support, me, i cant even date with huge open sores on my body.i cant talk to him, he knows EVERYTHING, doncha know.
is there another person that can talk to her for you? thats what im gonna try to do next, he listens to nothing i say because im a woman, therefore im stupid.( in his eyes) if i can get somebody else to tell him stuff, he listens.. maybe that will work with your mom?
hang in there, your a great daughter for cleaning her house, i know how hard a job that is. especially if your doing it by yourself..as far as the money you 'earned' from the sale, tell her you earned half of what you really got, then put the rest where you think it should go.
i think its just a thing with people of that generation, they grew up in depression era, so hanging onto money/stuff becomes a matter of survival, in a way. i learned when my mom had dementia, that she kinda got 'younger and younger' as far as her mental state of mind, now my dads doing the same thing. right now, he is like a teenager, you know, when you cant tell them anything because they know everything? he was in the 'superman' stage for a while there, im glad hes not in that so much anymore because i was afraid he'd hurt himself.he falls a lot because he doesnt pick up his feet when he walks, so when he gets stuborn, he does things to 'prove hes not old' like climb a ladder to clean the raingutters, stuff like that...
does she like your husband? can he maybe talk to her?
So there's my story. Many of the dementia/Alzheimers sites give you what should be great advice, but unfortunately, they all say
recently, he asked me to contact a few things on his bank statement he says he sisnt want, 2 were magazines,etc. ( he cant understand the 'press 1 for..press 2 for/..) well, one of the charges was for the alarm system on the house!! i contacted american express first, they wiped it off, then gave me a number to contact the company. assuming it was another magazine, i went to cancel it, the guy on the phone was 'ma'am, this isnt a magazine, this is eectronic monitoring for your home security system'..i called american express right back and told them to continue to pay, that my dad mixed a few things up...
yikes!! now i look like a fool and lost all credibilty with american express, i know this because 3 months later, he had another charge that they completly ignored me about.
when i moved in here, he was paying close to $500 a month for his cable/phone/internet package with verizon. since he was long out of the contract, i canceled it and switched to comcast. ( now he pays $145 a month for same servies) well, direct tv started sending bills, when they didnt before, it was billed trhough verizon, well, i contacted them a few times, then one day they got my dad on thephone, and got him to agree to pay the balance!! i contacted this colection agency telling them i was going to goto court with direct tv, but because its a collection agency, and he paid one installment, it started a new contract that hes now locked into...GGRRRRRR!!