How do you handle your elderly mother verbally and sometimes physically abusing your dad?

I would put an end to it when I see it with stern words. I would advocate for my father. Could you tell us a bit more about your mother and what she does. Someone may have some good advice on how to advocate for your father.

My parents are in their 80's. my mom has stayed home as a mom all her life. In the last two years, my dad has lost vision in one eye and has gone through two major depressions. My mom is going through a depression too but it involves a lot of anger and constant rehashing of past events. My dad sees a psychiatrist and is on medicine, but she refuses to go. She is extremely angry because six months ago he came to his children and started sharing how he was being treated. She is very difficult to talk to on this issue. We are going to have another family meeting and bring up the hitting or sometimes shoving of our dad. We are going to take him to one of our houses. We are very scared of what will happen because of their ages, but we can't live in this constant anxiety either of wondering how our dad is doing.

How sad for your father, Ann333. It probably took a lot of courage for him to speak up. Your father should be removed from this situation immediately. Do you think if you move dad, your mother might take it as a wake up call? She is a danger, I'm sorry to say, and needs help. Could you get her to the doctor on the premise of just a check up?

Ann, I think your plan is the best one. Your mother is probably coming the realization that her life is drawing short and she is angry. I've noticed something in some women your mother's age. This may or may not be true for your mother. They marry a man who will take care of them and the children. They have a certain view and respect for the man who can do it all, and usually take good care of him. The man makes the money and does the man things like driving and lawn care. Now that man is old and he can't drive anymore. He doesn't take care of the lawn and isn't providing as much. Many women seem to resent that their husband is not the man they married, so they lash out at him. Maybe there is some strange way of thinking that if the husband was taking care of them that they wouldn't be frail -- I don't know what it is.

I see people get old and remain best friends forever. Then I see others that have hard feelings toward each other. If your father is being abused or mistreated, I think your plan is an excellent way to handle it. Your father may have some good ideas about what is wrong and what he wants to do. I have a feeling your mother needs to deal with those anger issues. I hope they can find a way, because they have been together a long time. They would probably feel more lost without each other than with. Big hugs to you for helping your dad.