My family lives with my mother, but she is threatening my children. What should we do if we can’t move out?

kittycats37,

Your children should never have to endure such verbal abuse. I strongly urge you not to take them into such an abusive environment for to do so would be aiding an abusive person. Very often people who physically abuse someone start with verbal abuse. Your mother needs both psychological and physiological evaluation by doctors. If she makes threatening remarks about you, your children or others which leads you to believe that she is a threat to others then those verbal comments are enough to have her involuntarily committed to the hospital for an evaluation.

I don't know why your family is living with your mother, but if it's to help take care of her because she's sick, albeit dementia/alz whatever, then she needs you more than you need her house. If you are feeling like, it's her house so you have to put up with the abuse then that's wrong. Without knowing anything more than what you have written, it's hard to help. BUT no one should have to put up with being verbally abused. Would you do that to your children?

KITTY:

Don't want to offend you, but there's always three sides to a story. Yours, hers, and the truth. Is your mother calling them names they weren't born with just for the heck of it, or is your children's behavior driving her up the walls? Is it because you're a live-in "maid" doing the best you can to abide by her rules and with very little financial recourse?

Now that your husband's disability is coming in, start looking around for a job and an affordable place to live. If she asks what you're doing, remind her your stay at her house is only temporary. Who knows? She might stop cracking the whip and become conciliatory or turn into the Dutchess of Discipline. Hard to say.

While you make other living arrangements, I don't see other choice but grin and bear it. Do not, however, give in to the abuse and give up your self-respect. Otherwise you'll be nothing but a beast of burden for the rest of her life. Good luck.

-- ED

Kitty -First, I'll say this:You've got to consider the long term emotional and physical well being of your kids FIRST and then your mother. If she yells and cusses them now then physical stuff may soon follow. After reading this, I read your other posts (her sitting next to you in the car, urinating on herself) to provide a comprehensive answer: your mother sounds like she's suffering from serious mental issues or dementia and it's probably only going to get worse with out the proper medical attention. I suggest that you speak with her doctor and then to someone from your local area agency on aging - there's one in nearly every county across the US. Ask them for advice about getting her in to an alzhiemers care unit. Ask the doctor to do a full physical to ensure there are no physical causes for her issues. If she owns her home, you, as her daughter, may be able to live there - paying all the utilities and bills - without being forced to sell it -that all depends on the state where you live. This is a temporary solution since the state will probably put a lien on her home to recover their expenses once she passes away. Someone - probably YOU - will also have to pay the property taxes on her behalf.

If she's renting - then you'll have to find another place to live and you can also find another job that's less stressful than caring for her. It will also be less stressful on your kids and husband if you have your own lives and then visit her regularily. Again, you've got to consider the long term emotional and physical well being of your kids FIRST and then your mother. You can still be a good daughter, by having your own life and seeing that she gets good care.
Best of luck

I don't go visit my dad as much now that the kids are out of school - they don't need the abusive words any more than I do. I know how it is - there's a reason behind the abuse - it's dementia and then again, he's always been that way. LIve your life first and don't put up with more than you have to -easier said than done, I know. My dad lives in a nursing home and when people criitcize me for him not living with us, I point blank ask them "would you want him to live with you?"

My kids are young - they have seen enough. It's hard raising kids and parents - I am right there with you. Prayers sent up for you as you resolve these issues/problems!

Gigglebox,
Bravo! Well said! Easy to judge, unti that shoe is put on your own foot. Most of the time people judge caue they feel they can do better not cause of heartfelt sincerity. I was the victim of critizism by SIB's. I just told them that I would have mom and dad at their home the next day. Wow, suddely they couldn;t do enough to help me. Sometimes we make it to easy for family members not be responilbe. Placing the care of parents squrare in their laps opens eyes very quickly. SD

Did I mention that I have absolutely NO HELP from my sibs or nearby family members - don't get me started on that! I am learning to do what I can when I can.