Mother (89) is refusing to eat...eats only snacks and a cup of coffee a day for the past week?

Marrebee--
I am so sorry you are going through this. My mother (86) has had many bouts of "I just want to die/kill myself".....but she never did anything to show she meant it. It can be used as a control/guilt measure, for sure.

Since mom lives apart (kind of) from you, do you actually know for a fact what she is eating and drinking? My mother will always state that she has dropped a ton of weight yet she looks exactly the same and once, I had to take her to a dr visit and she had gained about 10 lbs---minutes after telling me she had lost 8 lbs. I don't care, and weight isn't the issue, it's that she needs to be HEARD and so she will sometimes say really outrageous and embarrassing stuff. Also, she thinks I am much more invested in her eating habits than I am.

Try to get a full physical done on her, with all the bells and whistles (good luck) with a geriatric specialist. Then determine how much you can control and how much you cannot. You are not starving her, you also can't make her eat. Maybe she really does want to die, that's a normal feeling when you're tired, old and depressed. You may not be able to do anything about that.

As far as throwing things--well, it's frustrating to be old, tired and in pain. Mother threw a bedpan at me ( it fell well short of the mark) and when I burst out laughing, I was summarily kicked out of the rehab center she was in.

We care and we try so hard to help our elders--and in fact, sometimes, they WANT to be left alone. I haven't seen my mother since Christmas. She doesn't call, so I also have not spoken to her. I happen to know she doesn't care, so altho this isn't what I'd like, it is what it is. Accepting behaviors that we don't agree with is hard...try to step back, if you need to, give her space. Sometimes we "hover" and don't realize we are doing that.

Best of luck! ( and with hubby, I too have a post Vietnam war vet for a hubby...another long story!)

Thanking you all for your responses and care. She has "come around" a little but I don't know for how long. She has started to eat a bit and is letting me do her hair and things again. I don't know if this will be temporary or what but I watch it closely. She still will not get dressed daily and kind of runs in "spurts" if you can relay with that. I don't know what the future will hold. Once again thank to you all for guidance.......it has been helping tremendously.

(Strokes can cause behaviors, and make it hard for your mom to express herself. She may need to be placed in a good skilled nursing home so she can have special care, pain mng., and speech therapy work with her eating issues.) I'm sorry to say this but she may also be trying to tell you that she is ready to pass away. I've done alot of end of life care, and your mom is showing some big red flags in her mental health/ eating habits...indicating that she is in pain and is suffering. She may be tired of trying to hold on to please her family.

You say that she has had mini strokes and mini heart attacks. And her behavior is bizarre, difficult and resistant. I think I might discuss with her doctor how her medical condition could be effecting her mind. Unless, this is her normal behavior, then I would suspect that the medical conditions have caused something to her her brain. This kind of behavior is not uncommon with people with this condition. If that is what is causing it, I think that reading about the condition, sharing with others who have similar situations and getting support from places like this can be very helpful. You can learn ways to tolerate, redirect and co-exist. You can also explore your options. Is placement an option?

Maybe a little story from the house here about what just happened. Mom came to the door and asked for a laxative. The last few times I've given her any laxatives, she ended up putting them in her pajama pocket and washing them. I knew she had pooped yesterday, so I told her we didn't have any more. She wanted me to go get some (8:30 PM) so she wouldn't end up dead like poor Mrs Johnson across the street. Oh, she got mad.

Well, anyway... Mrs Johnson died in the NH with pneumonia or something similar. What does that have to do with anything??

I didn't mention that, but just said, "Oh, quit being so grumpy. Goodness!" Most people couldn't imagine the drama they can go through. We'll probably end up with post-dramatic stress disorder (PDSD) when we're through caregiving.

Mareebee, that may have been pure elder spite. Many elders get mad about being older, with all the things that go with it, then turn that anger on the person closest to them. We can get a lot of spiteful answers. When I hear "I just want to die" said in an angry way, what I hear is "I feel so sorry for myself and I am saying something to strike out and hurt you." If I know the wish for death is not real, I just ignore it.

My father was miserable and was really waiting for God to come take him home. When he said he wanted to die, I knew it was heartfelt and frustrating for him. OTOH, when my mother says she wants to die, I know her well enough to know it is the last thing she wants. It is anger turned toward me, since I'm the only person around her. It makes me mad to have the undeserved anger thrown at me, but I try to let it roll off of me. It helps if I come here to talk about it.

If you think it is just anger talking, let it roll off. If you start feeling guilty for not putting yourself in anger's way more, it's totally normal. I wish we didn't feel guilty when we're not doing anything wrong, but we do.

I had hope of getting a little into the green today. She came out of her room and shared a little food with us at the dinner table. Not a lot of conversation but a step forward until a few minutes ago. I went to her room and told her to open her door for some air flow. She proceeded to tell me "you don't want my door open" I said yes Mom I do. Then she said...."I don't want any air I'm trying to quit all my air and die" Is this dementia? Pls advise someone!! I think I'm going out of my mind!!

In answer, yes I do know her full medical history. She has had mini strokes and mini heart attacks when she lived alone. Her falling was out of control and she had the alert button. We were running to her several times a week and sometimes a day. Thus her doctor advised her she couldn't live alone. We sold her condo and she most willing moved in with my husband and I. I am her executor in all matters and she does have a DNR. I have a brother that died at the age of 51 from brain cancer and I have a sister who has moved away and refuses to have any contact with us for over 2 years. I am carefully monitoring her but she still is being very rude and hard headed. Wants to see or talk to no one, does not want me to call the doctor or 911

Mareebee, do you know your mom's full medical condition? Are you her Healthcare Power of Attorney? At nearly 90 years of age, I think I might discuss her status with her doctor. You say that he claims there isn't much he can do at this point. I think I would try to determine if she is still competent. Is she taking her pills? You say you're not sure. It sounds like she is incontinent as well and is making false accusations. It makes me wonder if there is not marked mental decline. IF that is the case, then it might help you understand her disturbing behavior just a little more and not take it personally. She may not realize what she's doing. Dementia is not just about memory problems. Do you know why she was falling? Did she have strokes?

It might also help you in your expectations of her condition. At her age and with her health condition, is prolonging her life with diet a realistic goal? What were her wishes?

What if you offered some healthy foods, soup, veggies, fruits, but didn't fret if she chose snacks instead? If she is competent, then isn't it her choice as to what food she wants? My parents eat pretty well, but when they don't, I don't comment. IMO, they should eat what they want at their age. They are entitled to any enjoyment in life they want in the way of foods, IMO.

If she has mental decline and is incontinent, then I might consider getting help to care for her, as it's not likely to get better and you will not be able to convince her of anything. Bathing, feeding, changing may become a huge responsibility that is outside your abilities, especially with your other caretaker roles. I wish you the best.

Thank yo for your comments Jessie I know I'm in for a great deal. She refuses outside help 100%. One cannot even "talk" to her she gets very rude and mean. I lost my brother at the age of 51 and I have a sister who has moved away and wants nothing to do with Mom for over 2 years. So I am the only one to do anything. I have opened my home to her but she is very unappreciative. 2 years ago I took her through a knee replacement surgery and she lived with us then as well and all was good. When it came time for therapy after surgery, the hospital sent her to a rehab home and she lasted there one hour and refused to stay, we to bring her to our home. So our dwelling is not new to her, it's just her state of mind right now. She is the only living relative that has lived to her age.

What a stressful situation you are in. It sounds like your mother is very depressed. There is so much loss as a person ages. Some people handle the losses and keep going on. Others pull inside themselves and feel sorry for themselves in a very destructive way. She needs to find a way to pull back out of that shell she has built for herself, but I don't know how to do it. Let her doctor know how depressed she is.

I wish I had an answer. I get the feeling she needs to be around other people, but how to get someone to do that is beyond me. Perhaps she needs a medication to improve her mood before she'll be open to any suggestions. I have a feeling that the way it is now, you'll only get negative responses along the line of her just wanting to die. I know how hard it is to make any positive changes when this is the response we get. Her behavior may be beyond your help other than encouraging her to get professional help for it.

I guess I should have been more specific but space was limited to type. She has been with us for going on 10 months. The snacks she is choosing are candy, cakes, and popcorn if that at all. She makes one cup of coffee in the morning. She is a very stubborn woman. Walks with a cane and refuses to go out, actually trying to get her to go for a walk is what started her madness. I had her at the doctor last Monday but she wouldn't let me go in. I talked to the doctor on the side and was told "I know it's hard at this age". Liver enzymes are a concern however the doctor feels if there is no pain, there is nothing we can do right now. She refuses to "talk on the phone" to friends that call. She actually through the phone handset at me. Her friend visited her and told her she is living in a palace like a princess. Sits in her extreme large room with full size window, she has her own tv and a rocker chair right by the window. She works hidden word puzzle books (I think) daytime, puts the tv on at 4 until 7:30 or 8 at night and goes to sleep, Keeps her door shut so I can't see her and when I try to open it, she says she wants to just end her life. It has been the 9th day and all I can say she ate is perhaps a little lasagna I gave her yesterday but she may have fed it to her dog. She has bad incontinence so I have to go in and get her plastic bag with pads to throw out. The only time I see her is when she leaves her room to go to the same floor and let her dog go out.of the bathroom. She is on 3 high blood pressure pills a day as well IF she is taking them. I not only have her but I have a disabled Viet Nam veteran husband as well. Someone pls comment before I lose my mind.
Thanks to all!

While your discussing her living alternatives, Focus on her diet. I wouldn't worry about the coffee unless she puts sugar in it but what are the snacks she is eating? If it's junk, Stop buying it. Let her snack on nut butters and fresh fruit. Slice her an apple or pear. Add a few walnuts you've soaked in water. If she's eating cookies and pastries and chips and other sweets, stop buying them. Bake her a sweet potato. Put cinnamon and coconut oil on it. Make her some scrambled eggs. Give her a cup of home made soup. Something small and tasty but nutritious. Popcorn popped in coconut oil is good. No salt. No processed foods. You don't want her to have a stroke. See if you can get her physical therapy. Get home health coming in so they can monitor her vitals and give her Interaction with someone else. Were you buying her groceries before she moved in? She may have been eating snacks for awhile instead of good food and you didn't realize it.
Don't forget to check for a UTI infection.
Also check her shoes. Sometimes if the fit or style is bad, it's easier to fall. Does she use a cane or walker? It's important to know how to use them properly. The therapist can help with that.
I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I hope it's better soon.

Mareebee, I know this is making you miserable. Where does your mother want to move to? If she had the money, moving to assisted living may be a good choice. If it goes the way that it often does for people, it will get worse as she gets older. You may want to have a serious conversation about what the best thing to do would be. You all seem unhappy with the current situation.

There is something I need to mention, though. The first few months of living together can be very hard. Everyone is getting used to the new living arrangement. If it has been more than a few months, however, it's likely just not working well. I hope you can find a good solution for all of you.