Someone -- I can't recall whom -- once said you need to be a masochist to work in the caregiving field and a sadist to succeed at it. Still, if you had enough self-respect to stand up for yourself, your priorities and your mind would be clear and and wouldn't have to put up with all this abuse. In any case, here are some suggestions:
(1) Get a home health aide to put up with her whipcracking; (2) Have a tete-a-tete with her and let her know your own family comes first; and/or sit down with her and make a calendar indicating the days you'll be coming by to help (tell her the moment she starts her BS you're leaving); (3) Flip the script on her and make her feel guilty about all the things you can't do for your own family because you're catering to her every whim; (4) Zip it and do a Mother Theresa.
It's up to you to love yourself once again. Good luck.
recently moved my elderly mother to be closer to us. she no longer drives and has early stages of dementia. i, along with my husband, are the sole caregivers for her. she lives by herself in a retirement/hud apartment complex and has lots of nice neighbors. i take her to the store, dr. appts, all her errands and handle her finances. i now spend my days off tending to her needs. i either call or go see her everyday. but she always makes me feel guilty if i dont drop everything when she calls wanting something. i understand she has dementia (she's 83) but even before this she has always made me feel guilty and has been very selfish. it's all about her and her needs. i just had surgery and have had complications (was in the ER for 8hrs the other night) and not once has she asked me how i'm doing. honestly - she might not remember i even had issues. but i hate feeling guilty and being made to feel guilty because i have a life with a family to take care of too. any suggestions/advise?
Hi, ssnow! May not be what you wanted to hear, but guilt is something that we have to accept. Your Mom doesn't make you feel guilty. The feelings of guilt are yours, not your Mom's. From your sharing, your Mom is manipulative and you walk right into the situation. What is the worst thing that would, could, or might happen, if you simply said, "I have other plans today. I will let you know when I am able to do that for you."
I have never hesitated to tell my mother, whom I love dearly, when I am too tired to do something. Don't just go along to get along with your Mom. You sure do have a life and family, and owe it to yourself to keep your life in balance.
Maybe the next time she asks you to do something that can wait you can tell her nicely that you are still recovering from major surgery and need a whole lot more time before you can start juggling as much as you once did. Let her know you may never be up to the task of juggling as much as you once did, but that she will always be able to count on you. Let her know what works for you and what is realistic. No need to argue with her. She may pout. That's ok. She's entitled to, as we all are, to pout when things don't work the way we expected them to work out.
Wishing you healing, a full recovery, and reclaiming your life and time. Hugs.
ssnow, Sorry you're in this situation. Elders can abuse their caregivers. If you care for yourself or the rest of your family you must set boundaries. You have other obligations and cannot be at her beck and call 24/7. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!! It can and will hurt you. If you do not set limits now it will only get worse. Guard your heart with all dilligence and as much as you love her do NOT let her run roughshod over your life. You are not here for her amusement and you must take some control along with this responsibility. The Love&logic website was recommended to me and I found it very enlightening. Check the testimonials and you'll get a good idea of what its about. It works on elders too as I have heard that elders are children in reverse. Other threads on this site you may also find helpful. This is a compassionate group of loving caregivers who support each other and you can learn much. I'm praying for us.
Consider hiring some non-medical home care, if even for only a few hours a week! She needs attention that you can't give her (not for lack of love or devotion indeed). You can reference "on Thursday when Betty comes she will help you ________." Most agencies have a 3 or 4 hour minimum and a once per week minimum. You might find the money is worth it even if it has to come from your pocket for some peace of mind. This has worked tremendously well for my Grandmother in the past!
I agree, you are the one with all the power over the guilt you're feeling. Just because she pushes your buttons doesn't mean you have to jump. Tell her you can't come over now, but that you'll be coming by when you're up to it. period. My friend lives in one of those HUD buildings for senior/disabled apartments. There is a woman there that also has Alzheimer's who wanders the halls and goes into peoples apartments. She doesn't mean to be weird, she's just can't find her own apartment. She has even crawled into bed with people and tried to go to sleep. Don't let your mother get that bad before you move her into an asst living facility.
Your description "but even before this she has always made me feel guilty and has been very selfish" tells me that your mother put those guilt buttons inside of you long ago so that she could light it up with fear and push you with guilt into feeling obligated to live and love without boundaries which is not healthy for either of you.
To put it bluntly, your mother sounds like someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or borderline. Whatever the diagnosis does not really matter. What matters is you taking good care of yourself and realize that you are worth it to take good care of yourself. The more you take good care of yourself and set up good boundaries the more she is going to push at those F.O.G. buttons, but you don't have to automatically respond.
You are an adult and like all of us adults, we have the power of choice. I'm not saying it is easy, but we do have the power to chose. Sometimes, we need a therapist to help us gain enough internal strength to make those choices and if you do, then get one.
Very often, as I have heard here and seen in my own life, when a parent declines various unresolved issues come strongly to the surface. Now is the time to shine light that dispells the F.O.G. which will be healthier for you and many others around you.
In communicating with her, it will be less likely to put her on the defensive to make some I statements like "I feel imposed upon when you expect me to jump when you call right in the middle of my supper or whatever" That is less likely to get a defensive reaction than saying 'you make me feel......" Nope, we got to take ownership of our own feelings, but we don't have to swallow them like a stifled child. Parents like her want their adult children to forget we are adults and revert emotionally back to being a little child. They think it is helpful for them, but actually it really helps no one in the long run.
Best to you in this mess. You are not alone in your battle against F.O.G. as many others fight it as well.
In regards to the F.O.G.: It is as real as it gets. I wonder if there weren't FOG seminars for parents when we were children???? On a recent visit to hospital I flippantly introduced myself to a nurse as "the servant" at which time my mom chuckled and said "That's the way I planned it 50 years ago." She busted on herslf. Enough said.
Ssnow: I read a lot of people that say you having nothing to feel guilty about. It is true. Believe me, I still struggle with this as well. I tell myself all the time that if I don't have any control over it, there is no reason for guilt. You know you cannot control your mother's feelings. They are hers!! As they age, they go through so many changes and she will have many feelings to come. You can listen, you can ignore the unreasonable things she says (I have learned to do that a lot and not feel a bit of guilt - it's a whole new way to communicate), you can be there when you are able and that's it! My mother once said, "You have to make sure I get what I want." I said, "No - I have to make sure you get what you NEED." I didn't offer any other explanations, but I thought to myself that none of us have all we want and yet sometimes the elderly think they are entitled to it. I do believe they are entitled to our respect and love, but you don't have to prove anything by catering to them. it is never-ending and with failing memories they don't even remember how much you sacrificed. I have found that out the hard way as well. It's sad, but true. Knocking yourself out they won't even remember. BALANCE is the key to living well. Hang in there!
godhelpus, your man is not showing your mother sympothy or compassion. Naw, he's having some pity for her at your expense for him to look good to others. He wants to really look good, he needs to you some real compassion, sympathy, and empathy by standing by your side, that is after all what each of ya vowed to each other in marriage. Maybe it's time to look over the constitution and bill of rights of your marriage!!!! He's better off letting you be the mother he never had than the MIL neither you or he need to have destroying your lives!!!!!!
Someone -- I can't recall whom -- once said you need to be a masochist to work in the caregiving field and a sadist to succeed at it. Still, if you had enough self-respect to stand up for yourself, your priorities and your mind would be clear and and wouldn't have to put up with all this abuse. In any case, here are some suggestions:
(1) Get a home health aide to put up with her whipcracking;
(2) Have a tete-a-tete with her and let her know your own family comes first; and/or sit down with her and make a calendar indicating the days you'll be coming by to help (tell her the moment she starts her BS you're leaving);
(3) Flip the script on her and make her feel guilty about all the things you can't do for your own family because you're catering to her every whim;
(4) Zip it and do a Mother Theresa.
It's up to you to love yourself once again. Good luck.
-- ED
I have never hesitated to tell my mother, whom I love dearly, when I am too tired to do something. Don't just go along to get along with your Mom. You sure do have a life and family, and owe it to yourself to keep your life in balance.
Maybe the next time she asks you to do something that can wait you can tell her nicely that you are still recovering from major surgery and need a whole lot more time before you can start juggling as much as you once did. Let her know you may never be up to the task of juggling as much as you once did, but that she will always be able to count on you. Let her know what works for you and what is realistic. No need to argue with her. She may pout. That's ok. She's entitled to, as we all are, to pout when things don't work the way we expected them to work out.
Wishing you healing, a full recovery, and reclaiming your life and time. Hugs.
Sorry you're in this situation. Elders can abuse their caregivers. If you care for yourself or the rest of your family you must set boundaries. You have other obligations and cannot be at her beck and call 24/7.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!! It can and will hurt you.
If you do not set limits now it will only get worse. Guard your heart with all dilligence and as much as you love her do NOT let her run roughshod over your life.
You are not here for her amusement and you must take some control along with this responsibility.
The Love&logic website was recommended to me and I found it very enlightening. Check the testimonials and you'll get a good idea of what its about. It works on elders too as I have heard that elders are children in reverse. Other threads on this site you may also find helpful. This is a compassionate group of loving caregivers who support each other and you can learn much.
I'm praying for us.
Your description "but even before this she has always made me feel guilty and has been very selfish" tells me that your mother put those guilt buttons inside of you long ago so that she could light it up with fear and push you with guilt into feeling obligated to live and love without boundaries which is not healthy for either of you.
To put it bluntly, your mother sounds like someone with a narcissistic personality disorder or borderline. Whatever the diagnosis does not really matter. What matters is you taking good care of yourself and realize that you are worth it to take good care of yourself. The more you take good care of yourself and set up good boundaries the more she is going to push at those F.O.G. buttons, but you don't have to automatically respond.
You are an adult and like all of us adults, we have the power of choice. I'm not saying it is easy, but we do have the power to chose. Sometimes, we need a therapist to help us gain enough internal strength to make those choices and if you do, then get one.
Very often, as I have heard here and seen in my own life, when a parent declines various unresolved issues come strongly to the surface. Now is the time to shine light that dispells the F.O.G. which will be healthier for you and many others around you.
In communicating with her, it will be less likely to put her on the defensive to make some I statements like "I feel imposed upon when you expect me to jump when you call right in the middle of my supper or whatever" That is less likely to get a defensive reaction than saying 'you make me feel......" Nope, we got to take ownership of our own feelings, but we don't have to swallow them like a stifled child. Parents like her want their adult children to forget we are adults and revert emotionally back to being a little child. They think it is helpful for them, but actually it really helps no one in the long run.
Best to you in this mess. You are not alone in your battle against F.O.G. as many others fight it as well.
It is as real as it gets. I wonder if there weren't FOG seminars for parents when we were children????
On a recent visit to hospital I flippantly introduced myself to a nurse as "the servant" at which time my mom chuckled and said "That's the way I planned it 50 years ago."
She busted on herslf. Enough said.
I read a lot of people that say you having nothing to feel guilty about. It is true. Believe me, I still struggle with this as well. I tell myself all the time that if I don't have any control over it, there is no reason for guilt. You know you cannot control your mother's feelings. They are hers!! As they age, they go through so many changes and she will have many feelings to come. You can listen, you can ignore the unreasonable things she says (I have learned to do that a lot and not feel a bit of guilt - it's a whole new way to communicate), you can be there when you are able and that's it! My mother once said, "You have to make sure I get what I want." I said, "No - I have to make sure you get what you NEED." I didn't offer any other explanations, but I thought to myself that none of us have all we want and yet sometimes the elderly think they are entitled to it. I do believe they are entitled to our respect and love, but you don't have to prove anything by catering to them. it is never-ending and with failing memories they don't even remember how much you sacrificed. I have found that out the hard way as well. It's sad, but true. Knocking yourself out they won't even remember. BALANCE is the key to living well. Hang in there!
godhelpus, your man is not showing your mother sympothy or compassion. Naw, he's having some pity for her at your expense for him to look good to others. He wants to really look good, he needs to you some real compassion, sympathy, and empathy by standing by your side, that is after all what each of ya vowed to each other in marriage. Maybe it's time to look over the constitution and bill of rights of your marriage!!!! He's better off letting you be the mother he never had than the MIL neither you or he need to have destroying your lives!!!!!!
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