If you tell her " I already told you" then you will be the one repeating yourself. Once during a hurricane, we had lost power, and I had four over 80 at my house. One with diagnosed dementia. Another not far behind. She would say, in a very conversational tone, not complaining."Why don't you turn on the lights." Then I would hear another say. "that's what I asked her!" Sometimes I would explain that the power was out. " ohhhh, she would say". Then she would ask again and I would say " whoops, I guess I forgot". She would say something like " don't worry honey, I forget all the time." Then. " where's my purse" would start up interchangeable with " why don't you turn on the lights?" There were 12 other adults in the house and 4 dogs. No little kids. It was still a zoo. Every time someone would come into the kitchen where the elders were gathered, they would good naturedly say " why don't you turn on the lights." Or " Where's my purse. " we would all laugh and the elders would laugh too. It's a happy memory now but it was temporary. Two of them died within 90 days of that event. I think if you can distract and bring up another subject it can sometimes help. They truly don't remember that they just asked the question or the answer you gave. Distract yourself as well with deep breathing or kegals or touching your toes. Others will come along and give you what works for them. Hugs to you and mom.
I know Salisbury that it was funny when someone held up a sign to answer the same question over and over, but it gave me an idea and I, too, will write down an answer in Big Black Felt Pen on a piece of paper so when mom asks the same question over & over I just hand her the paper. My sister said it was INSENSITIVE. Oh yea? Really? Well, I don't see my sister over here night & day answering the same question. She visits ONCE a week. I live here. And I'll tell you, it really helped my sanity and mood. Especially when she asks if so and so committed suicide. No, mom, she died of cancer. I have it written down now, and it has helped me A LOT. !!!
Your profile says your mom has age related decline. Does she also have dementia? The reason that I ask is that if she is repeatedly asking you the same question that it is causing you distress, then it seems that it might be more than age related decline. I might check with her doctor to see if that is indeed what is happening. I might rule out some kind of treatable illness, infection, deafness or other condition. But if it is dementia, then there is likely nothing that can be done, except to calmly repeat the answers back to her.
Remember that each time she asks you the question, it's like the first time for her. So, she's not likely to know why you are impatient with your answer. And telling her that she is repeating herself is not helpful, because she may not believe you and plus, she won't remember it and she will ask you again anyway.
What I ended up doing with my loved one was repeating the answer as calmly as possible as often as she asked me, and after hundreds of times, I would try to change the subject. So, I would switch the conversation to her hairstyle, her outfit, her photos, the weather, lunch, anything else. I might give a short answer to her question and then move on to another topic as to avoid her dwelling on that one thing.
Often the question can be an obsession that they get stuck on. Like, when am I going home? Where is my husband? (He may be deceased.) No answers will likely satisfy them, no matter how often you repeat it, since it's constantly running in their head. Even writing it down, will not work, since they don't have the focus to read it and often cannot process the written words.
There are a lot of threads on this sight about this question. I'd read them and develop your own way of dealing with your mom based on her situation and condition.
Yes. It was funny. We put her purse in her coffin with her. She was an amazing woman. Her husband died one month and one day before her. She was in a wheel chair. When taps was played at his funeral, she stood up and put her hand on her heart. Everyone was amazed. Not a dry eye. Nice to remember her with you.
Oh My Goodness, what a timely issue for me. We just returned from visiting my MIL. She has about 10 questions she repeats the entire time we are with her. Yes, it's frustrating and emotionally exhausting, but it seems just calmly replying is the only way to handle the situation. The part that is really heartbreaking is when she tells us her (deceased) older brother is going to pick her up to visit her (long-deceased) Mama. She also thinks our adult children are still in high school and living with us. As long as she's not upset we can deal with it.
They all do it eventually. And, unfortunately, so will we! When Mom could still hear and comprehend, talking to her sometimes was like a "who's on first" routine. And yes, I did get pretty annoyed about the 10th time she asked the question, but just changed the subject. At first we wrote things on the white board to remind her. That worked for a year or so until the dementia and memory got worse. Then she would forget to look at the board and eventually couldn't comprehend the board, or couldn't remember reading the board. As I said, we all get there eventually. I just hope when I do, that there is someone with a lot of patience taking care of me!
When your Mum asks the same question again and again, just answer it as if it is the first time she has asked it. Keep up the same patter, for your own sanity. Your Mum doesn't know she is repeating herself. Don'y get angry with her, it is not her fault. All the best. Arlene Hutcheon
My Mom is doing the same thing, especially now because her world has been turned tipsy turvy. Her husband of 34 years passed away 10 days ago and they recently moved into AL after 20+ years in the same house. I've been with her helping her pack to move her home with me (although many on this forum have warned me against it.). She keeps asking the same questions over and over, mostly about money, the burial, have we told "so and so" etc. I've realized that it's best to answer calmly as many times as she needs to hear the info. She's actually starting to remember some of the answers, but then the other night in the middle of the night she asked me if her hubby had died. SAD FACE. I keep reminding myself just how lost she must feel. She's actually cut down on the questions a bit, so I'm hopeful that she's not feeling as insecure. The first few nights after ALL day questions, I told her it was time to relax our brains and get "lost" in the tv shows. That actually seemed to work, only because evening TV and or reading has always been a part of her routine.
Once during a hurricane, we had lost power, and I had four over 80 at my house. One with diagnosed dementia. Another not far behind. She would say, in a very conversational tone, not complaining."Why don't you turn on the lights." Then I would hear another say. "that's what I asked her!" Sometimes I would explain that the power was out. " ohhhh, she would say". Then she would ask again and I would say
" whoops, I guess I forgot". She would say something like " don't worry honey, I forget all the time." Then. " where's my purse" would start up interchangeable with " why don't you turn on the lights?"
There were 12 other adults in the house and 4 dogs. No little kids. It was still a zoo. Every time someone would come into the kitchen where the elders were gathered, they would good naturedly say " why don't you turn on the lights." Or " Where's my purse. " we would all laugh and the elders would laugh too.
It's a happy memory now but it was temporary. Two of them died within 90 days of that event.
I think if you can distract and bring up another subject it can sometimes help. They truly don't remember that they just asked the question or the answer you gave. Distract yourself as well with deep breathing or kegals or touching your toes.
Others will come along and give you what works for them. Hugs to you and mom.
Remember that each time she asks you the question, it's like the first time for her. So, she's not likely to know why you are impatient with your answer. And telling her that she is repeating herself is not helpful, because she may not believe you and plus, she won't remember it and she will ask you again anyway.
What I ended up doing with my loved one was repeating the answer as calmly as possible as often as she asked me, and after hundreds of times, I would try to change the subject. So, I would switch the conversation to her hairstyle, her outfit, her photos, the weather, lunch, anything else. I might give a short answer to her question and then move on to another topic as to avoid her dwelling on that one thing.
Often the question can be an obsession that they get stuck on. Like, when am I going home? Where is my husband? (He may be deceased.) No answers will likely satisfy them, no matter how often you repeat it, since it's constantly running in their head. Even writing it down, will not work, since they don't have the focus to read it and often cannot process the written words.
There are a lot of threads on this sight about this question. I'd read them and develop your own way of dealing with your mom based on her situation and condition.
I keep reminding myself just how lost she must feel. She's actually cut down on the questions a bit, so I'm hopeful that she's not feeling as insecure. The first few nights after ALL day questions, I told her it was time to relax our brains and get "lost" in the tv shows. That actually seemed to work, only because evening TV and or reading has always been a part of her routine.
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