My precious mom (85) is refusing to eat or drink. Any advice?

Jack! A resounding Yes! I would hazard a guess that 85 per cent of the people on this site have experienced this. Unfortunately when it gets to what you are describing you will probably need to place your Mom where they will get the fluids into your Mom intravenously. If she is refusing to take fluid voluntarily I don't see what other options you have.

I know there are others on here who are more knowledgeable than I. I'm sure you will get lots of good advice on here. Good Luck!

Yes, Jack, Gershun is right. You are doing your best, but she needs professional help. Dehydration and repeated bladder infections can be very dangerous. So, please take her to the hospital or a skilled nursing home. There is a slight difference between a nursing home and a skilled nursing home. Ask the social worker at the hospital to tell you the difference and give you a list of them. You sound so loving and concerned about your mom. I hope she gets proper care soon and that you know you made the right choice. God bless.

Does your mom have a living will? Whatever you plan to do it should be in accord with her wishes. When my mom was near the end (88), she would seal her lips shut after only a bite or a sip or two. She could no longer speak, but she clearly made sure we knew her wishes.

Jack this behavior is very common at the end of life and force feeding with tubes or IVs can cause severe distress if the body is trying to shut down. Have you considered consulting hospice?

When my Dad, depressed in the hospital and sundowning, refused to eat, we had a deeply spiritual friend come in to talk to him. My Dad trusted this friend, who tole him it was his choice. He could stay or he could go, but he needed to be aware that he was making a choice. My Dad decided to live and fight a little longer. He cam home and we had the best two months with him before he left this earth.

Same cycle with my mom........food isn't very interesting but ice cream and chocolate shakes are.......you have to make them feel ok about whatever they choose......it's ok. It's clear when they are ready and you will be ok if you leave it up to your loved one.

Hi Jack - I very recently lost my mother on May 23. Your story is almost an exact replica of my own, minus the nursing home. After her hospital stay due to a bladder infection/dehydration, we brought her home & placed her on hospice. She lasted 10 days. During those 10 days, my husband & I tried like h3ll to get her eating & drinking again. Pureed foods, Ensure, little sips of water every time we entered her room. She would try to appease us, but her intake was so minimal, her fate became very clear. I'm so sorry you are going through this. This was our second experience with hospice, and I can say without a doubt that watching your loved one refuse food/water while standing by feeling helpless, is the most heartbreaking experience. I hope your mother's condition improves, but if it doesn't, definitely contact a hospice organization & ask for an assessment. In my opinion, they are a Godsend.

Veronica91's comment is very correct. I am a direct care hospice volunteer. In my training we learned that dehydration and starvation is the most natural and painless ways to die and that to force food and hydration on someone who doesn't want it can be very painful. Bring in a good non-profit hospice who can help both of you work through these issues.

That's what happened with both of my parents. The Hospice nurses told me it was their bodies' way of shutting down and not to force them to eat or drink. I know it is difficult to not do anything; but, other than calling Hospice, you have done all you can do. Most important of all, you have obviously loved your mom a lot and she knows that. May you have acceptance and peace throughout this time. Everyone here is thinking of you and has you in their hearts and prayers.

What quality of life are you trying extend? What else are the diagnosis on your Mother? I know it is HARD because it is your Mother? Ask Hospice to come in and they will be able to look at all the records and help you. Remember to keep talking to her and around her with those that come in. If you offer her water, ensure (her favorite flavor), ice cream and she does not want it is her decision.
Share earlier life times and things that made HER the happiest with her.
God is always awake and you can talk to him too.

My MIL lost the will to live and went thru everything you mentioned. The home she is in can help you set up Hospice right there. Your Mom will be made comfortable. Her body and mind are telling her she is not hungry. Its probably time to let go. Prayers go with u.

Sally B did you say that to die from starvation is not painful?
I've always heard it is extremely painful or does that only pertain to non-humans?

What medications has she been given? It is possible that they administered something that took away her appetite or in somewhat harmed her ability to act rationally. You might want to inquire about that and then investigate the medications online at a site like. All three allow you to check for interactions with any other medications she is on. Check to see if those have been continued while she is in the care of others. One common problem drug is Haldol (haloperidol), which many nurses and doctors believe is a sedative. It isn't a particularly effective one, and can lead to poor outcomes when used inappropriately.

This sounds to me like part of the dying process. This is pretty typical but I'm not sure if it's true of all cases since each case is different. I would suspect this as part of the dying process at her age since many of them tend to experience their organs shutting down. In cases like this, food and drink can be more of a discomfort since the food and water just sits there undigested

Hangingon61, I can say that as an abuse survivor, starvation is extremely uncomfortable and yes, it can be very painful depending on how your body reacts to it. I survived starvation, so I know what I'm saying since I experienced it.

1RareFind, I am curious about something and you sound knowledgeable about it. In my living will directive, I have included DNR and "I do not want to be in pain or hungry." If I am left to die naturally and I am unable to eat, that means my body will slowly shut down. I have experienced it with my parents and with reading here that most people are unable to talk on the last day(s) of life. Will my body shut down, in other words starve, and will I be in pain? My parents didn't seem to be in pain, but how could I know? This may sound naïve to most, but I had never thought of it this way until your postings. I might want to change my directives. If it is legal, I have included that my preference is euthanasia and explained at what point. Thanks for any enlightenment.

I still have a lot of questions and doubts about the whole dying process. When my mom was admitted to hospital for her last days they advised comfort care which entailed no water, no nutrition of any kind. Basically starving to death. They gave her something for secretions and morphine to make her comfortable. I still have a hard time seeing the diffference between this and euthanasia. I've been told that people go into a type of euphoria during this process. I want to believe this but who really knows what the person is feeling. The doctors who say this have never experienced it so I guess they measure it in medical ways such as blood pressure etc. I hope that my Mom was not suffering.

I do not believe that a dying person should have food a water withheld if they want it. When they are close to death and refuse sustenance that is another matter and their wishes should be followed. I do not see it as starving to death it is just the natural course of the body shutting down.. Dehydration does not seem to be painful although having a very dry mouth is uncomfortable but this is easy to avoid with proper mouth care.
Gershun euthanasia is the deliberate administration of medications that will ensure death in a very short time. Like having an animal put to sleep. The side effects from some drugs used to ensure comfort at the end of life may appear to shorten life but that is not the intention. You have to ask yourself if you would rather see your loved one quiet and peaceful or screaming in pain and fear throwing themselves all over the bed.

Near the end, my mother did loose interest in eating and drinking, but she did not die from starvation. She had one final stroke and died. Unless an older person is depressed, I think the choice not to eat or drink is a sign that the end is at hand. Sounds like it is time to bring in Hospice.

My mother is not refusing to drink. I leave a big cup of water several times a day and she drinks it. She will eat if I leave her food. The problem is that she sleeps all day long. I just went in and asked if she would like to eat dinner with us, she mumbled no. I asked if she wanted to eat in her room and again she mumbled no. Seeing her sleep and her face looking anything but restful, is making me scared. Later at night she will wake and we will hang out and she will eat ice cream, but I am so unfamiliar with the dying process I don't know if that is what is going on. She doesn't have a temp and is not complaining about anything but being tired. Please give me some advice

Sharadale, My advice, just don't panic.
You said, "Later at night she will wake up, we hang out, and eat ice cream"
Of course, on Monday you will want to check with health personnel, especially for UTI and constipation, unless you can detect this yourself. But you have noticed a change. Be sure her new room is cooled enough. Some people prefer a schedule of late-night wakefulness.
If there is any congestion, or if the ice cream makes mucous, change to sherbert and jello. Just reviewing some basics, in general. Others will know your mother's issues better.
If you want, start a new thread to ask other caregivers to walk you through this.
It's okay to ask for help. I care about you and your family, and want to help, at least to facilitate your getting the help you need.
I could not help to notice when other daughters went through this, they were acutely aware of changes in their Moms. Remembering Hope, Katie, Jeannette, Lucky, and others. There will be support and advice for you, too, at whatever level of clinical/physical caregiving is needed.
I am thinking constipation could explain your mother's symptoms today.

I think you need to let her doctor know what is going on and get their response.

Sharadale, Next time Mom is awake, ambulate her to the bathroom, start keeping track of BM's-or maybe you already do that. Drinking water is great. More water!

Can you check her O, 2 stats at home?

Sharadale, it sounds like you're doing everything right. When my father was in his last year I would make things for him, but wouldn't make him eat it if he didn't want to. I left snacks about so he could get the things he wanted when he wanted him. He enjoyed cookies and little snack cakes. He loved the pecan twirls. Fruit was also a favorite. He didn't want the bulky things and would often discretely dispose of it behind the curtain or under the table.

If you wonder about things like UTIs, but you don't want to go to the doctor, you can buy some of the AZO urine test strips. They are pretty sensitive, so will let you know if there is something to worry about.

Is your mother in late-stage lung disease? It takes away a lot of energy, I know. It may be that you are doing everything right and the rest is in God's hands. I found comfort when my father was so ill in putting it in God's hands, even though I'm not overly religious. There are things we can't control. The only thing we can do is be there for them.

Dad loved ice cream, too. That is what made me think about him. I would buy ice cream cones and sandwiches that he could get from the freezer anytime he wanted one. I'd often peek in on him to see him munching his ice cream. Oh... and he loved boiled or scrambled eggs. Sorry for rambling. I was just remembering how it was.

Hi Sharadale, I am sure all of the other answers are right and the end is not too far away. With my mom, though, the few days before she passed away she didn't want anything except a little ice water. The fact that your mom drinks water and eats what you leave out for her and is alert at night and gets up to to ice cream seems active to me. If she is on pain medication or any kind of medication that would sedate her, maybe she has her cycle mixed up like I do. My hubby and I are both retired and we are avid readers/TV waters/nappers. So, there are times I will read until sunrise and the same with him. We sleep until we wake up unless we have doctors' appointments or commitments. There are some who say that is poor "sleep hygiene." Most of our friends and I agree that we have worked all of our lives (and I worked 14 after retirement) for the right to do what we want when we want. I've read that people who stay up late tend to snack or overeat, but I don't do that. I do drink an extra glass of water and make an extra trip to the bathroom. So, maybe your mom has just reversed her days and nights? I think making sure she is not constipated is important. Keep her water glass full. Maybe a call to the doctor would make you feel better? Are all of your legal papers in order? I found pre-planning my mom's funeral was a relief, too. It kept me from making emotional decisions at the time of her death. I think you are doing as everything you can, and I am sure the late night ice cream sessions are fun for both of you! Just relax and enjoy your mom. You will know when she shows a dramatic difference and you will need to follow through with your plans. My mom was already in AL, so I called Hospice. My heart and prayers are with you and so is the support of a lot of people here. Take care of yourself and enjoy your mom.

Gershun, I guess they gave our moms the same treatment. They gave my mom a shot, then started her on morphine like they did your mom. My mom looked very peaceful on the last day. I knew she could hear, because she prepared her lips for chap stick. So, I talked to her, sang along with her favorite songs, read to her. I am sure you did whatever you could to make your mom comfortable, too. We have to live with peace in our hearts that we did what we thought was the best for our moms. We can't change anything now, so there is no need to wonder if they suffered. The question I was asking 1RareOne was because of the choices I am making for my own living will and legal papers. I think we should feel very good that we loved our moms so much that even now we are
talking about them. We can have peace and love in our hearts and smile when we think of them.

Reading through the answers above, I see many people struggling because they are not familiar with the dying process. Hospice workers are there to support the family as well as the patient, so never be afraid to ask them for advice. Also, an excellent resource for details on dying and the grieving process can be found here: bkbooks. I was present with both my parents and my twin sister when they died. Fortunately, I had researched what to expect which I believe made it much easier for me to accept what I was witnessing.

Well I finally got a call back from my sister in law who is a hospice nurse. She listened to all my info and said it sounded like she had her night and day mixed up since she was reading the paper and watching tv during the night and going from her bed to her reclining chair. Yesterday I told her that we had to start planing for her doctor's appointment on Monday and that if she didn't get up in the morning we would not be able to go. Today she was up and dressed at 11:00. She at all her meals and even came out to the table for her dinner. She always has the choice and if she chooses to stay in her room, I sometimes go in with her. This evening she took a shower and washed her hair and then after hearing the weather report she was mad because the tropical storm was bringing severe storms our way starting just around time of her doctor's appointment and she didn't want to go. But she was much more active and I told her how happy I was and asked if she wanted to go grocery shopping, but she declined and just gave me her list.?
I did not know about the strips for the UTI's and will pick that up. I ask her about the status of her bathroom habits and she usually tells me if she has a problem. She gets a fiber and probiotic capsule every evening with her medicine at dinner to try to prevent any constipation. She is on no pain medicine and only takes Plavix, Raloxifene, which is something for her breast cancer ( cancer free five years)' medodirne for the orthostatic hypotension, a couple of breathing things for her COPD and metoprolol for high BP. For 91 that is a tremendously few pills. I take many more than her!
I think that I am going to plan some activity that she may enjoy, even if it is at home such as Skyping the grands and great grands, to give her something to get up for. It may just be boredom and bad habits to keep her in bed.