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I am 29 years old, full time caregiver for my father since I work from home. He is 75 years old with numerous chronic health issues, he's been sick for many years and it has progressively gotten worse. He is still able to go to the bathroom by himself and shower, but its difficult for him. I make his meals every day, do all the daily tasks, clean, etc. He can walk a short distance but then has to sit down.


I haven't gone out on a date in over 7 months, nor have I really hung out with my friends because he is so worried about the virus. My social life has basically completely stopped. I don't even go out shopping for myself. I am at home 24/7 with him. I finally met someone I may be interested in, so I scheduled a date this week to meet him. When I told my dad this, he freaked out and said I was going to bring home the virus, how he's so worried about me going out at night (he's always been an over-protective parent but the older he gets, the worse this gets even though I am 29 years old).


He said its a bad idea and something horrible could happen to me. He says I shouldn't leave him alone with my cat because he's worried about my cat, too (my cat has his own room and stays in there if I leave the house so he shouldn't worry about this either). He keeps saying I'm probably going to have a drink on the date and something bad will happen if I drive (I'm responsible and don't drink & drive).


We spent a whole two hours today going back and forth about this. I am now filled with guilt and worried about leaving him alone for my date. I know intellectually I shouldn't feel this way. I deserve to have one night out after 7 months of nothing. It almost brought me to tears because I am so frustrated and angry that he's making me feel so bad about something so normal. Its like I can't have my own life.


He said "Fine, I should just go into a nursing home." Just because I want to go out on one date! Its like he's threatening me with moving into a nursing home because he knows that will fill me with even more guilt. It seems he loves feeling sorry for himself and I'm tired of it. He doesn't like when I leave the house at all for anything. He thinks something bad is always going to happen to me even if I leave the house for 30 minutes.


Now I probably won't even enjoy myself on the date. I'll be too worried about him having a heart attack from worrying so much, my head won't be in the game. So ridiculous!


I appreciate any advice, and whether or not you think I should feel guilty for going. If you think I should cancel the date or just go.

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You should be able to go on your date. And enjoy it. Your dad is being manipulative and attempting to control you. Do not allow it or it will continue. Is he safe to be alone? If so, then go go go and do not feel guilty. Easier said than done, but do it anyways.

IF he's not safe alone, then get a "babysitter". He won't like it, but he can't have it both ways.

Funny to threaten you with going into a nursing home. I would call his little bluff. "You know dad, that might not be a bad idea. There are some really nice ones around here. Do you have one in mind?" etc etc. If he needs a lot of care and is needy and controlling, it might not be a bad idea.

You should consider some regular assistance so you can get out of the house on a regular basis. You are too young to be stuck home with him all the time.

You need to live your life too.
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I agree that your dad should definitely go into a nursing home where he can worry himself sick 24/7 and have nobody there to play the guilt card on. Or, better yet, you should move out and on with YOUR life which is being stymied by a 75 year old father who could easily live another two decades keeping you captive inside the house for all the 'what if's' that may happen if, God forbid, you dare to venture outside the front door.

Before my mother came down with dementia, she'd call me from across the country asking if my doors were locked? Before she got on a plane to fly back to Florida after my wedding, all she wanted to know was if my windows were locked b/c someone could sneak in and kill me if they weren't. I've lived with the paranoia for 60 years and it's no joke, I can vouch for that. But I moved out of the insanity when I was old enough to do so. I suggest you figure a way OUT of this madness before your entire life is ruined by a man who's trying to instill fear in you 24/7.

No, you should not feel even slightly guilty about going out on a date. The bigger question is this: what are you going to do if you like this guy? Then what? How are you going to disentangle yourself from the emotional manipulation games your father is playing with you so you can go on MORE dates and have a life outside the house? That is something to figure out now because life is passing you by.

Dad can hire in-home caregivers if he's in need of 24/7 help. He can move into Assisted Living. He can do a variety of things instead of what he is doing. Keep that in mind as you move forward: you are doing nothing wrong. HE is.

Have fun tonight
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Beatty Sep 2021
The window locks LOL.

I was once asked to go check on a relative's laundry, as it might be getting mouldy!

My brain can't deal with other's paranoid or anxious thoughts 🤪
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Please enjoy your date. I hope you’ll begin enjoying many activities and friends. And never discuss your dating life or decisions with him again. That’s a conversation that will go nowhere. There’s nothing to feel any guilt about. He’s being incredibly selfish. A caring dad, who wasn’t only focusing on his own situation, wouldn’t want this restricted, stifling life for you. You’re at an age to have your own career, relationships, and life. Don’t allow him to let you pass it by
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Go on that date!
And...Go out with your friends. They will be in your corner and support you.
Go shopping. Run out for lunch or coffee. Go have drinks. Have a great meal (you deserve it!)
Think about whether you want to continue to live this cloistered life. I would suggest reading the book 'Boundaries'.
Your dad may not be able to see how unhealthy your relationship has become. He shouldn't be holding you hostage to his fears, and it doesn't seem like he's thinking logically. He's guarding you like a resource, not as his loving daughter. There are options out there to help meet your father's increasing needs. While you can be part of his support, should you choose, you can't meet all his needs by yourself. And at some point 'help' will involve his interaction with other vaccinated people.
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Your dad is mentally unbalanced. A person who does not have his head on straight should not be making decisions for anyone. His only tool is manipulation and he's using it well.

Dad is ruining your life and you let him.
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Do you WANT to be living with your Father all through your 30s?

What about your 40s? 50s?

Some people like living with a parent, don't want to partner, have children, travel. It's enough for them... 🤔

What's YOUR big picture plans?
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I think you should probably seize the day and with it your father's proposal that he moves into a nursing home.*

Discussing the individual items on his agenda is a waste of time. This has got nothing to do with the cat or Covid or "Uncle Tom Cobley an' all" - this is about your father's clinging to you as if he were a drowning man and you a lifebelt. Get him to dry land before you both go under.

*Not necessarily a nursing home. Any supported living environment where he has access to the help and services he needs.
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And - 75 is not elderly. Not nowadays. Your father's current choices are making him old before his time.
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Myownlife Sep 2021
Ha Ha, I sure hope not! I'm 67 :)
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I have to agree. You should have taken him up on his offer to go to a nursing home. My grandmother and occasionally my father would threaten things if they didn't get their way. I found that calmly agreeing with them no matter how insane the threat took the wind right out of their sails.

Or if your father is lucid (and I am not sure he is) ask him if he really wants you to be trapped in this home with him for the next 10 years caring for him rather than living your life. Throw a little guilt right back at him.
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You need to set boundries for yourself. If Dad is fine being alone for a while, then do your thing. Your Dad seems to be paranoid and you can't change that. Don't argue and don't tell him ur plans ahead of time. Tell him as ur walking out the door. "Going out for a while. Will be back by 11pm. I left u something to eat in the frig."

You need to remember you are an adult child. You have a right to ur life. Dad needs u more than u need him so any help you give him is on your terms. And I agree, call his bluff when he says "well I'll just go into a home" Anytime he tries to manipulate u, call his bluff.

My now 3 things to keep in mind which I wish I had known years ago.

1. Guilt is self-imposed
2. NO is a complete sentence
3. Your are not responsible for the person's reaction to ur NO.
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Myownlife Sep 2021
Love it, JoAnn !
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Have a hearty laugh, in front of him or not, your choice, and go out on your date. Life is too short to be guilted by someone.
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If he is fine with going into a nursing home let him go ( it is just a bluff ).

Inform him you have to spend time on yourself and if that is not agreeable find some place else to live.

Sounds like a very manipulative man and only being strong but respectful works on those types. I speak from a lot of experience.
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Just go! Please!!
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You have nothing to feel guilty about and so young to have this responsibility put on you, go out and enjoy yourself switch off for a couple of hours you are owed that do not let him ruin any chance of happiness that you can get believe me life goes too quickly and you will regret if you don’t have a life for yourself and a little tip don’t spend your evening telling your date about your situation enjoy yourself your dad will still be there when you get back hope you have a lovely time
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Please go. My friend chose to care for her mother and put her life off. Her mom lived til my friend was in her 50's. She never married, never had her own family. You must go. He could also live to 100 and then you'd be in your 50's wondering where your life went.
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I am 29 years old and bound by duty by two parents who require around the clock care at their ages, 86 and 82 respectively. I understand exactly what you are going through.

Do not cancel the date: go. Do not feel guilty for going nor should you spend another moment engaging in arguments over it.

I can see how much you care and how much this is stressing you out; therefore I can't imagine that you haven't already and are planning on taking the necessary precautions to head on out. Perhaps have a meal and snacks at the ready, something to entertain him, ensure the cat is put away and can't be used as an excuse to call you back. Before you leave I would lay down firm boundaries, in writing even, and then head out the door and stick to them.

For example - I have told my parents that unless it is an emergency, I will call within a specific timeframe. If you start blowing up my phone - I will send you straight to voicemail. Granted, I can read the text to see if it's truly an emergency or my father is just blowing smoke. The more you call me, the more I will be delayed.

You deserve to go out and have a break after working for this long.
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I agree with the previous posters that you need to go on your date and also see your friends. 100%!!!
Your dad’s concerns about the Covid are valid. If both you and your dad are vaccinated, your date and/or friends are vaccinated, and you wear a mask per guidelines, you have taken the necessary steps to ensure his (and yours) safety. Have fun!
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I agree going on the date is perfectly fine! He doesn’t get to call the shots on how you spend your time.
But I am concerned that you at the age of 29 are not working and earning money to support yourself in your retirement. How is it that you gave up working and having a career? Are you looking to inherit from him or something? He should be in assisted living and you should be getting on with your life in my opinion even though you didn’t ask for that. But would love to know how you anchored yourself to this existence.
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I agree going on the date is perfectly fine! He doesn’t get to call the shots on how you spend your time.
But I am concerned that you at the age of 29 are not working and earning money to support yourself in your retirement. How is it that you gave up working and having a career? Are you looking to inherit from him or something? He should be in assisted living and you should be getting on with your life in my opinion even though you didn’t ask for that. But would love to know how you anchored yourself to this existence.
there is nothing in your profile about your dad.
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caroljnorris Sep 2021
She said that she works from home.
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Don’t tell him you’re going on a date.
Tell him you’re going to the movies because you need a break.
You’re an adult and have the right to time alone.
You don’t need his approval or permission.
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Think seriously about what you want. I gave in to my manipulative mother doing all she wanted me to do and not do (she didn't want me to have friends or ANY romantic life) and now I'm old and alone. You can't make friends at my age if you're single and childless. Also, fertility goes down as women age so if you want children, you need to think about it soon. I kept thinking I could make it happen later when conditions were ideal but that day never came and I aged out of having a family. Think about what you want and how time goes by faster than you can imagine.
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XenaJada Sep 2021
I had some distant relatives (now deceased) who encouraged and demanded their daughter leave her husband and move in with them to be their caregivers after the father had heart surgery and the mother had an illness as well. This couple had plenty of money and could have gone to assisted living. Parents and daughter are all deceased now. The daughter was only in her 50's when she died, overweight and completely stressed out from working full time and being a caregiver to her mom.
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You may want to consider a home where he has socialization and you are not his source of entertainment. 29 is young . You deserve a life of happiness . He had his life you might want to make a boundary and take back your life .
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Enjoy your date. Set boundaries. If you don’t stake your life out, no one else will. Seriously consider what you want your life to look like. You deserve a good one.
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Well, now you know not to tell him in advance of any plans you have. You simply cannot give into and accommodate his paranoia. I promise you, it will only get worse. What happens when he decides he is in total fear of you going outside to d a little gardening and get some fresh air?! He could come up with a dozen reason that could be dangerous, ranging from "Someone might kidnap you" to "Snakes are crawling this time of year! You might get bitten." Also, "Someone down the street could cough and their covid germs could float in the breeze and you could inhale them!" See where I'm going? Once an elderly person is anxious and paranoid, you cannot feed into it. And you cannot give him time to plan some drama (i.e. stage a fall or illness) to prevent you from going out.
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You do not have any information in your profile so I am going to make suggestions that might or might not be possible.
The first thing you should do is read a very good post and responses. The post was started by a longtime member/poster/responder Midkid58.
She posted the awesome question "What word can we use instead of "guilty"
The responses are nothing short of amazing, enlightening encouraging. Please take the time to read it.

Now for your dad.
If he is able to do all that you have said I think he would do well in Assisted Living if that is a possibility.,

If this is dad's house you could consider looking for a place of your own. Give dad a few days a week where you will come and do things for him that he CAN NOT do. Do not do things that he can do.
You are far to young to be caring for your dad full time and ignoring your own social, emotional needs.

YOU have done nothing to feel guilty about.
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Myownlife Sep 2021
Great advice. And also, if op is reading this one as well, know that along with this kind of behavior of your dad, that WHEN you move out and live away from him, be prepared that he may try additional attention-seeking behaviors, and have a plan worked out on how to handle that.

I remember when I did travel nursing and after my dad died, I'd stay at mom's in between assignments, sometimes over holidays, and one time in particular when I was about to go on a new assignment in January, Mom started acting out very, what's the word, carefully planned out ..... she didn't feel well, she couldn't breathe right ... and so on. I canceled that assignment, got her to dr. appts. etc. Would you believe, nothing was wrong! It was anxiety, and she knew how to turn it on and push buttons. Finally I got wise and went on another job, even though she turned on the tears. (I'm not heartless, just know that as I look back she was always manipulative growing up.... only now, I can see it, understand it, and see how I did my own things (guilting ) with my children growing up.
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You need to have a full life - dates, time out with friends, shopping... You should not be expected to hide forever in your home just to keep yourself and your father safe from COVID or any other "threats" out in the world.

I would suggest that it might be time to include more people in caring for your father. Ask family members, friends, members of faith community, and even paid help. The first goal should be to have enough help that your essential needs are met: eating 3 meals at a reasonable pace, sleeping 7-9 hours every night, enough time to attend to your health and hygiene needs... The next goal is to have enough help to meet your needs for interactions with others and fun - you need some time daily and extended time weekly (probably several times a week).

As for you father, it seems he has developed anxiety. Please talk to his usual doctor or make an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate and treat. Your father feels like you are his only hope of surviving; he needs more interaction with others so he doesn't stay so fixated on you.
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You have to keep in mind despite any health issues, our parents lived in a different era. You don't need to tell him everything. I tell mom Im going to run some errands. I have a cam on her to watch her and we talk to one another every 20 minutes or so. Mom says many things regarding my life and Im 62. Go on your dates, get a cam to watch him in the house, make sure the tv is set on something that interests him. Enjoy yourself while caregiving and working full time.
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He is blackmailing you emotionally. Yes, it is EXTREMELY difficult not to succumb to feeling guilty about doing something perfectly normal. He may also have severe anxiety, which can be helped (though usually not fully alleviated) with some meds. So that off to the doctor he need to go. You are very young yet and he may live for another 20 years, so please, please do not give up your life. Take precautions against the virus, get vaccinated, wear a mask if you have to, meet the person for a date outdoors...but get on with life!!!!
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No one can MAKE you feel guilty if you don’t really believe you are doing anything wrong. It’s a choice. If you believe that you are entitled to have a life of your own, then own that! My mom used to try to make me feel guilty about stuff all the time. She’d say something like your dad said about the nursing home and I would smile and say, “If you insist”. She stopped trying.
That being said, my mom didn’t have dementia at that point, she was just manipulative. Still, you can decide not to feel guilty and then don’t. Good luck!
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You’re his only caregiver, if you get abducted by Aliens while out, he’ll be destitute, at least that’s what his catastrophic thinking tells him.

Its not really parental thinking, more of a little kid and their parent is leaving.

Maybe someone can come by while you’re out, you probably should go out more often if he’s anxious

It won’t be fun to start over when your life leaves without you, he’s gone and you’ve kept nothing of your own in motion.
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