My 84-year-old dad is stubborn and acts like a rebellious teenager towards me. Why does he act like this?

Sebring, it may be that your Dad is suffering from a form of dementia. He will still think he can handle things and won't admit that he is having problems. Mom still thinks she can pay her bills, clean house, and take care of business, but hasn't been able to for 3 years now.
Your Dad may also be too embarrassed to discuss a problem with you, especially after all that happened with your brother. If your dad has a doctor, maybe you should take him for a visit to see if he is still competent. He may listen to his doctor if he does have a problem.

My Mom did this to me especially when she first moved here - she had been on her own for a long time and handled everything by herself (no help from sib). She got into this mode where, if I could not do something or did not think it was good for her, she started calling everyone in her orbit and implied that I was "refusing" to do something. I called it "being thrown under the bus."
They have no concept of how bad things got in the care (or lack of care) of our siblings. It has taken a few years to get her to understand that I am here to help, to try and go around me is disrespectful, and that I have limits too!
Do you have the Power of Attorney for your father (both medical and financial)? If you do, you can set up online accounts for him and you can keep track of everything - this has saved me so much time.
If he is of sound mind, have a calm, frank, discussion with him. Let him know how much stress he is adding to the mix and it has to stop. Then, remind him at the time something occurs.
Lastly, do not take it personally. I did at first and it made me so stressed out. I could not figure out why Mom thought she had it better when she lived at "home" when really, no one wanted to step up to help her. Here she lives like a queen, but I still think she would like to go back to the way she was living.Go figure!
But we are doing the right thing - they are safer and healthier with us.
Give yourself a pat on the back from all of us here. Your father was in an extremely dangerous situation and you stepped in. I think that makes you a hero!
Lilli

Lilli, I call what your mother did when she went to everyone in her orbit to complain about how you wouldn't do something for her....."tattling". It makes you look like the villain, and that's the last thing you need. You're a wonderful daughter and you are the one helping your mother. So sorry you had to experience that. You will get your reward in heaven, because God sees all and He knows your heart , your motives, and what you're doing for your Mom.

Sebring, you have it really tough right now. I sympathize with you and hope you can get the help you need. It does sound like your father could have some dementia issues ( pertaining to his personality, for example). I would not "fight" with him, whatever you do, because that will only escalate his anger.....and it sounds like he isn't thinking entirely rationally any more. Try to speak to him in a calm voice, and try not to react to what he says to you. I have to do this with my father. I used to react as if he was speaking from his old rational mind, but he simply isn't any more. Try to get the rest you need, whether that be by getting out of the house for some space and fresh air, getting help to come in and give you breaks (I"ve seen on this board that you can call your local aging services....You could contact the local hospital to find out more about this.). And really try hard to realize that what he is saying to you is not meant for you personally. He can't help it. He's getting old, and he could well have some dementia. You could call his doctor to talk about this, and perhaps the doctor could see him and do an evaluation. Good luck with this.

I, too, have a hard time with my mother at times. She likes to wait until she is around people and then say something like "Please don't hurt me" implying that I am abusing her. This is particularly frustrating to me because she was always abusive toward me and when she could no longer abuse me physically the verbal and emotional abuse that was always there escalated. So, I sympathize with you all. What you are dealing with is dementia. They think they are still in control when they really are not. Somewhere in their minds they realize that they are losing control in many ways, and understandably are unable, or do not want to give that up. This makes it worse because the dementia makes them forget that they can no longer do it all themselves ~or that their way no longer works for them. What I have had to do is to just take the control. Period. This is easier said than done for many reasons, most of them internal within ourselves. This is our parent we are dealing with after all and it is a difficult thing to take control as if you are a parent dealing with a rebellious child. There are so many mixed emotions that go with this. I urge you also to get him to a geriatrician as soon as possible for a check up. There could be things going on with him physically or physiologically that could be contributing to this behaviour. Another thing could be the medications he is taking. They should be checked. Also, there are medications out there that can help control violent behaviors in the elderly. The proper medication given at the proper dosage can work wonders. I have seen this on more than one occassion. Sometimes the difference can be like night and day. However, if a medication is prescribed it is imperative that you watch for certain things and stay in close contact with the doctor in the beginning of this because if the loved one is sleeping too much or acting dopey or whatever they could be getting too much. There will be a period of adjustment. Good luck with this and God bless you.

my dad was like that few yrs ago . sometimes i sat there infront of him and breakdown crying . it was all mostly over the van keys . didnt want him to drive fear for my safety and for others .
bills he just throws em away . my brother had his mails stop and have it transfered over to my brothers house and he would pay his bills , hes POA .
sebring . you have ur hands full esicaly a brother of urs . maybe thats why ur father s actin like a big man cuz he s afraid he;ll get punched . u said your brother was abusing him . my guess is your dad s actin big so he wouldnt get hurt ?
yes take him to dr and you may need to start paying his bills . get the mail first and give him the junk mail u keep the bills .
you may need to be his poa also .
id start with the dr first then go fromn there , plz keep coming back sebring and welcome to the site !!!
bless your heart ..

OMG, know what he did today? he was doing real good, ive learned to get creative to keep him out from under foot, so im moving stuff into the shed out back, he wants to pick oranges. we have a great tree, but this 45 year old wooden ladder he loves so much ( scares me, it wont hold my weight, but i cant get him to part with it for anything!) he puts that under the orange tree, goes inside and comes out with a plastic bag and bungie cordto han around his neck for the oranges!! im like oh, no,this wont end well.'dad, are you, umm, whatcha doin?) getting oranges.. ok, whats with the bag? he thinks hes clever inventing handy gadgets, i know to stand by.. close..i said 'haha, dad, so thats why your a decon at church, so God owes you one?' i try to joke as much as possible with him since hes the kind of guy that loves to tell jokes. thank God hes actually tired today, hes taking a nap right now...beautiful peace for me!!
what i noticed with the alzheimers/dementia its like a chandelleir, going out one bulb at a time. how fast the mind goes has everything to do with if the person is a fighter or not. my mom laid down and let it take her early and fast. my dads opposite, thats good, hes fighting it, but hes so terrified of becoming old and unneeded, that he overdoes it, the worst words anybody can say to this man is 'your 84, you should rest'...that will drive him striaght up a ladder to reshingle the roof! just to prove he can. im trying to tell him hes earned the right o let others break their backs, nobdy is saying he CANT do it, im saying why would you want to? let the youngbloods work for you for a change! but no, hes got to 'prove' hes strong.. so its a juggling/balencing act for me everyday, im a very patient person, im very good with rewording things so as not to offend.i just get so exausted when im doing the work of 2 men, and watching him at the same time..whew!!! just call me supergirl here..i always try to phrase it, dad, im half your age and im tired, take a break so i can...
aww, man glorious break over, ill be back in a few...thanks for all the responses, it helps to get stuff off my chest with people that understand, so ill be visiting here ofternn,,

By all means, do come back and often. I am so very, very glad I found this site. Where I live there is no 24 hour caregiver support line though one would think that since I am in a major city that prides itself on elder care that there would be someone you could talk to after hours and on weekends. There is the Alzheimer's Association 24 hour hotline, but I have noticed that when if I call during business hours I am rushed off of the phone or told that someone will call me back and they never do. On the occassion when I have called them after hours, I got a good response. Good luck to you, and God bless you as you care for your loved one. But if/when it gets too hard do not be afraid to put him in a facility.

although he is old he doesn't realize it/ nor want to accept it. he thinks that he is still in control and he become aggressive/rebellious because he is frustrated. is not easy for an independant human being to realize that his daughter has to tell him what to do. he thinks that he is doing the right thing. patient./ask for help/ get a home attendant/ senior day care from 8-6 daily, so you can live/work

I was looking after my mum until January this year. I work full time and have 3 children at with age gap the youngest being 8. My older sister who does not work took over since January and my mum now lives with her. My mum and sister has a personality clash and they now say hurtful things to each other. I am in the middle and don't know how to make things better for them. My mother wants to come back to me but with my responsiblities its getting harder for me to look after her. I have been saying to my sister don't fight back its only going to cause more problems. My mum's memory is very sharp and don't know how to find out if she's got dementia? It seems like she is rebelling big time and not listening to anyone. I don't know what to do anymore! can anyone help. things are getting worse.

First thing we tell everyone when an elderly person's personality is altered from the usual, is get their urine checked for a possible UTI. This is a biggie in the elderly and can turn them into a horror show. If this is not the case, then the next step is getting her tested for dementia/alz.. Both of these can cause major changes in a person. So definitely get her to the doctor for a urinalysis, and maybe he can do a quick test for dementia while she is there. It's always good to rule theses things out. Good luck!

my dad is acting like an infaint. he moans when he's hungry, etc....

You know what? a lot of issues in the Homecare specially in the facility, In courtyard Jose, the Nursing assistant was already traumatized becos of the patients are Phychotic and they keeep it due to its hard to get a patients the management has nothing to do,We're forced to work due to economic crises even they get hurt by patience ,sometimes hitting by patience and screaming with while you were in the middle of changing their diapers and throwing something. deep inside i was really hurt but becos i need the job to feed my family i am still working on it. I cried a lot jusyt to keep my Job. I am asking to the government that they can changed their laws...and why the rights is always to the residents/patients becos they were sicked and what about me i get sick too very fraustrating on my part i felt sometimes depressed.I am still young to die than those on Bed.

I sympathize with all of you that are dealing with the personality changes of aging parents. I too dealt with this until my mothers passing earlier this yr.
There are different stages of alzheimers/dementia and the acting out is definitely not a pleasant one. As the person progresses thru the disease it gets easier to deal with, at least it did in our case.
Its hard on family because all we ever knew was having a loving parent.
Try to remember that your parent is probably scared to death at not having control of their actions. Who knows what is going on in their mind due to this horrible disease. They cant control it and thats the most important thing to learn.
A few things I found that helped were:
Try to keep their environment calm and quiet.
* The less distractions there are the better.
* Shut the TV off...play soft quiet music instead.
* Get them to try kids size puzzles, colouring books, magazines or catalogues.
* Sundowner syndrome sets in at night and causes a lot of agitation. Before its dark, shut the curtains or blinds on the windows and put on lots of lighting instead.