How can I get my mom to talk about her future?

Hi Sanderk, I am coming from a completely different angel. My thoughts are: Do NOT talk about wills, funerals ect. Good grief, she's in good health, only 73 and maybe a little sad. These financial matters can definitely wait for a happier day. I'm thinking that living in a basement may not be giving her the light and social activities she needs. She should have windows and music and people and air and things to do and to take care of. I think that is what you should be focusing on. Please try to work on these areas quickly with an enthusiastic smile. Save the doom and gloom for another year. Good luck, and smile! Sooz

There is a thread of similarity running through all or most of these comments. It is this: Most of the patients, parents, or cared-for persons discussed here are in the 71-78 year old age group. Has everyone noticed this? My question is: Do you ever observe others in that same age group, out on the street, in restaurants, on TV or in the neighborhood homes in that same age group who seem to be able to take care of themselves, who are not disabled, independent, care-free, not in need of assitance, not demented, not under the care of someone like one of you, or simply a private citizen, possibly still employed or living a happy healthy lifestyle? Now why is this so? Why?
What enables one to live well in her own home, cooking, cleaning, washing, watching TV, walking, while others of the same age, living in a basement, at the mercy of a child to take care of them? It couldn't be just the vitamins, the medicines, the DNA, the money in their bank accounts. It has to be something MORE.

I would like to hear comments about this subject. Don't tell me that 71- 78 is "old". It is not. Most of these people are perfectly capable of writing their own will, with legal assistance, signing their own documents if they wish, and minding their own finances. When they can no longer, feed themselves, bathe, dress themselves, walk or go potty without assistance, then it is time for us to step up and take over their care, but not until then.

I talked about a "Friend" who was put in a terrible situation by her mom who did not want to talk about the future. I told her all the things that went wrong. We now have a trust with everything spelled out. She listened because it was not about her!! But she learned through the mistakes of others.

Dear NiK,
Amen!
~Sooz~

Hi, sanderk1
Talking about the future with aging parents is never easy, but I think better to do it sooner than later. If crisis hits, and no one has addressed the subject of what our parents want, it can be enormously stressful for everyone involved, and some of that stress can be avoided by simply planning ahead.
how to bring the subject up depends somewhat on your relationship with your mom... It often helps to bring up changes in health or living arrangements of a friend, or a neighbor and ask her what she'd like to do in a similar situation. It gets her to start thinking about the fact that this might happen.., and also tell her that u are not telling her what to do, u just want to know how can you and her work together to make sure her wishes are met.
Another way to broach the subject is to make the conversation about you. You can tell her that u don't have a health care or a will and thinking about getting it...
Hope everything works out for you

Thanks for all the helpful advice. You all have given me some great ideals and I feel much more comfortable and capable to have this talk with her.

Why be confrontational? Why not just be loving and at ease with her?
You'll see. Later.

Sanderk1 When a friend of my Moms died she said she would not want anything done to keep her alive and I told her she had to have it in writing-she said well your sister would do everything so I feel that is her decision she would leave it up to my sister so I did not persue the talk anymore.

Sad to say, but everything should be in writing. And it must be on view if the time comes. We had dad's wishes taped to the wall, out of his sight, but so that everyone else could see it and be aware. Hospice knew his living will would be honored. His passing was peaceful and on his own terms. Miss him more every day!

It is so comforting when it is in writing you do not have to second quess your decesions at a very difficult time I was so glad that I knew what he wanted so there was no guilt involved afterwards and also Pts. who have a definate DNR get just as good care and often nurses will spend more time with them so less die alone and it is usually very peaceful as oposed to bringing in machines and crash carts and many staff members.