My mother is getting real forgetful. She doesn't want to listen to me and it is hard for me to help her. What can I do to help her?

Sweets59 you are a saint to go what you are going through and it is tough, any way you attempt to handle it. I have one very important thing to say....don't forget to take care our yourself mentally

Seems you mother is not aware that your father has Alzheimers and treats him as she always has. Sixty-three years of a habit is hard to break. She just may not understand the nature of his illness. You may have to step in and make sure he has Depends on so that there isn't more work with changing the bed linens.

I have noticed that the elderly decline in chunks. If you are with someone on a regular basis, you may not see the decline as much as someone who sees the person less frequently. I became aware of my aunt's decline when she had a luncheon and invited a number of relatives. I hadn't seen her for a few months and I could see she no longer had the ability to organize a meal, set the table, etc for a larger group of people. You mother may becoming less able to care for your dad. She may not remember anything you're "telling" her. Try writing things down for her in a sequence. Like getting the Depends and helping your dad put them on. Praise or reward her when she succeeds at this.

Is your mother the main caregiver for your dad? Maybe she needs a break? Is there an adult daycare in your area? It is worth the money to give you a break for a few hours. Maybe just having your mom go would be good for her and you. Can any other relatives/friends take your mom to lunch or out for a drive? Sometimes just having a few hours of respite does wonders for our mental state!

As for you, is it possible to use an iPod on days when your mother's voice is particularly annoying? Even ear plugs can block out some of it or put on music. I dare say that there will be a day when your mother's voice will be silent so now is the time to laugh at how annoying her voice is and how much you will miss that voice - or not- once she is no longer with you. Sorry to add guilt but sometimes it helps to just see an annoyance from a different perspective.

I agree you are a saint!

Julie Q

Sweets, re-directing your Mom when she gets on a roll may offer you temporary relief. Ask her to do some small task while you step in to care for your Dad's needs if that is how you wish to pick up on the personal assisting need for your Dad. There are also day trips for seniors in many areas if your Mom is interested and available to go on a day trip even once a month and has the funds to pay for the trip. It would give you a break. There are also computer classes for seniors. Might she be interested even one day a week? Or get her a computer and let her have at it reading about whatever her little heart desires if her vision can handle it. If not, there are pc accomodations available for individuals with disabilities. She may be increasingly irritated at your Dad's situation because she is increasingly overwhelmed by it and is unable to keep you. She needs respite...and so do you, from time-to-time. What do you think? Tough situation regardless. I agree with Julie that reflecting on how much we will miss our loved ones if they were to die before we do is always a healthy dose of reality. Whatever you decide to do, take it one day at a time to avoid becoming overwhelmed. I care for my Mom only. You have a tall order in your life, so take a deep breath and be kind to yourself. You are terrific to your parents!

I've tried twice to respond to this with a more detailed explanation of a typical day and what goes on, however it didn't go through either time, so I give up. Maybe it's the Lord's way of telling me to shut up and quit whining. It's all good. Really. Thanks for your comments.

sweets.. just by your response, I can understand your feelings.. whine all you need to! I'm new to this site also and haven't vented even a margin of what I'm feeling..

Sweets and Kelley,
Vent away! That is what this wonderful sight is for. Sweets, one day I posted about the noise level of her screeching and Cat posted about how sounds affect our freeze, fight or flight senses. It helped me alot to understand my reaction to her and why I was so worn out that day. No matter what we write about , someone has suggestions, answers and always support. Hope you use this sight to get some relief and some answers. God Bless.

Thanks again for your comments. To be very brief, Mom is aware of his AD, but does not grasp how to deal with him in any way other than she always has. She plays on the computer all day or reads books, occassionally looking up to see if he's up to something, then yells if he is. Tried to be an example, tried talking to her...it doesn't work. I am the primary caregiver. She will yell at him that he needs underwear on, but doesn't help or get him any. That's my job. I put them on, he takes them off. He changes clothes several times a day. She ignores him until he gets in her way. Adult day care here is an all day thing, and she won't go all day and he doesn't get up in time, and waking him only increases confusion and agitation. Can't just send them for an hour or two...has to be all day. Respite care is $100 locally. No can do. Can't wear an I-pod because I need to hear when I need to jump in. They moved here from FL a year ago to be with me, so no friends or family in the area to help. My friends help me, but no one for her to hang with. Church is helpful, but not enough. And yes, I will miss them when they're gone. I think of that often to help me not be so irritated with her. She does love him...they've just operated this way for 63 years, so it's not going to change now. Thanks again.

I agree it is hard to determine what degrees of decline are going on when you are there everyday. Yesterday we were supposed to go to the store and bank when I got home from work. She was still in her PJ's said she didn't know I was going to take her??? So I told her I have something to do every night except Friday so she would have to wait until then so she fixes herself something to eat and sits there and falls asleep. How do you deal with this, no communication and when there is she cannot hear, now its her eyes she won't have the cataracts removed. I am going tonight to be hypnotized, so I will stop smoking, My stress crutch, do you think I should ask this fella if he can also fix me so I can handle the stress better? Don't know much about this It is unchartered waters for me but If I don't do something about the stress level at home and at work I am going to drive my car into a brick wall. HELP!

Hi guys you have no idea how glad i am to have found you!! I had surgery and have been off for three weeks i go back to work next monday.
A friend of mine told me that the elderly lose their ability to filter stuff out, I geuss they kinda get old people "Terets"? Lord my mom has it ! Then she'll be sorry...Lordy Lordy.
Sweets, Gods not punishing you or seeing what kind of load you can carry, this is just "Life" an we all made the decision to care for our parents. So we put our dreams, plans, lives on hold. We decided to do that (my rational) isnt that what the good Lord gave us "choice"?
I think you all are earning feathers for our wings!

I was just re-reading this and some of the other discussions. I don't have alot of time to post, but I just wanted to say thank you and tell you how WONDERFUL it is to be where other people understand!!!!!!!!! Even though our situations vary, the stress of it is certainly across the board. I am so glad to have found this site.