I am 26-years-old and caring for my mother is running my life. How do I take care of her and myself?

Your situation is one that would cause enormous stress and you are going beyond the call of duty to help your mother. However, what I'm learning is it is absolutely necessary to set limits and take care of yourself FIRST. Your mother is an adult and substance dependent users are masters at manipulation, and most are narcissistic. As someone else mentioned, she is probably eligible for medicaid and HUD housing. Make an appt. with your local department of family services and they should be able to help you navigate the system. Note your mom may try to thwart your efforts and if so, then you have the option of not continuing to do more for her. I've found the more I do for my mother who is also a substance user, the more she expects. It was a codependent relationship that I'm still trying to heal from. You are young and deserve to have your own life. Counseling can be an enormous source of help and your county mental health agency can provide counseling for free if you are unemployed. You have done alot for your mother but your are not responsible for her - it's okay to set limits and say enough.

MEL:

At the bottom home page, there's a quick link "New to Caregiving." Click on it and see if there's anything that can help you maintain a semblance -- or stay connected to -- what your life used to be. Caregiving will teach you life skills such as time management, working under pressure -- all the time -- and hoping not to lose all your marbles, responsibility, self-accountability, empathy, compassion, courage and conviction to set boundaries and enforce them without trampling on anyone, and how to regenerate the passion that caring for someone else requires when things get so out of hand you begin to contemplate self-destructive behaviors just to feel better ... and alive again.

It's not going to be easy, but we're here for you. Holler if you need me.

-- Ed

I agree with all of the above! Talk to her Dr., Social Workers, check on line for resources in your area for help for the disabled, long term care sounds like a MUST! in order for you to have a life! My word you are so young and it is not fair that you sacrifice a life of your own for someone else.
There are other options for taking care of our loved ones that do not cause for us to do it one on one. Look into these options and opt to care for yourself as well as getting care for your mom.
come back and let us know how you progress, we are with you.

Hi! I am in a very similiar situation with my mother. I am 35 and she is 57...going on 85. My Mother is also on disability, does not drive, has no money, no friends, chronic pain, and suffers from substance abuse to help with her chronic pain.

The only difference is my mom is currently living in a tiny leased apartment and begs and cries everyday for me to take care of her and to let her move in with me.
The guilt is overwhelming! But I feel she is also manipulative. I try and do everything I can...take her shopping, give her money when I can, drive her everywhere, and this is still not enough. Unfortunately, I will not let her live with me because of her substance abuse problems which she is denial about.

One option may be a long term care home. I know they are big bucks, but I am also willing to work around the clock to help pay for it, and let the retirement/assisted living home take her cheque for the balance. Also, I do not think it is fair that I should have to constantly fork over money for her, but perhaps that will ease the guilty feeling?

Would your Mom be ok in a room rental with the occasional psw visit? Or perhaps you could find a 2 bedroom, and offer free room and board to a qualified psw/nursing student?

My prayers are with you!

Thank you so much for responding!
It helps knowing that I'm not alone in this battle.

Our mom's could be twins. My mom is also very manipulative, and can be quite abusive. I'm young and feel I deserve a life, but the stress in dealing with her is exhausting. Nothing is ever good enough for her.
I lost a job because I couldn't balance taking care of her and work. So I'm out of work, and need to find financial assistance. I can't let her live with me. She did it to me during college, then after college and now again? I can't, and I'm just so sad that this is my life. I see all my other friends have such great lives, and mine is such a mess because of her.

You do deserve a life of your own. Being only 26, you must be sooo exhausted!

It may be best to part ways with her, if she doesn't want/can't help herself. A call to her disabilty worker/social worker may help. Perhaps they could find her emergency accomodations if you expain the situation.

Also, if you don't care of yourself first, how can you take care of others?

With that low of an income, she should be on Medicaid and that should give you options for assistance such as home and community waivers. Get in touch with your local disability organizations, e.g. UCP, etc.

I would definitively make a visit with a social worker and see what your options are. Life is too short to spend it miserable and most of the people I have cared for in group homes and nursing homes have no money and are cared for by the state basically.

Hey That girl: Yes, you take care of yourself. Your Mother has an auto-immune disease, and that comes from major stress. You deserve to create your life, you are way too young to be burdened by someone who is not handling their own life very well. Why ruin yours, too? Find her a couple of options in the way of assistance through the state, then get on with MAKING your YOUNG life what you want it to be. Be Strong and take good care of yourself:) Hugs, Christina