What if an elder is in a hurry to be disabled?

Starry sky, sorry some people are so prickly. That said my mother is exactly like this person you are describing. She is a very healthy 83 year old until her age and imagined illnesses can be used as an excuse. When she was 68 she decided she "wasn't able" to come to Florida and visit her daughter and granddaughters. She used to tell me "when are you going to understand I am old" and this was when she was in her mid to late sixties. Even today she is angry with her doctor because he won't give her a handicap parking sticker. She doesn't need it. She goes to malls and shops (she is a shopaholic) several times a week.

What I have learned is she is very selfish and always has been. She uses the "I am old" when it suits her and she is one of the luckiest women on earth to be so amazing healthy.

Please rethink being any sort of caregiver for her in the future. She has given you a little peek into the world of the totally entitled and selfish. And she will use you up. My mother has not come to visit in 16 years. And all she can say is what a terrible daughter I am because I won't travel 11 hours or pay 500.00 to fly up and stay two days (her time limit because she isn't able to have company any longer according to her).

I hope you day gets better. I never like it when someone is unnecessarily rude on this site.

Starrysky I am afraid to put my fingers on the keyboard to answer your question. I see you have been active here but I am afraid I can not remember your posts which I assume were about your mother rather than this other relative. The only general answer I have is do not enable her if you are really sure about their so called disability. There is no more advice to be given without an adverse reaction from you.
For you and shakingdustoff this forum is not full of bored women getting their jollies from throwing rocks at others. yes we ocassionaly get a "troll" but they are spotted pretty fast and sometimes people will give what seems to be a short sharp answer because the questioner did not give enough background as in your case. There are rarely general answers that are helpful unless it is a simple question about Medicare etc and them a knowlegeable member can give an accurate answer in few words. Members are very generous with their time and experience and one must remember many are snatching a few minutes at the computer while they have a demented elder screaming at them from the other room. It's like trying to have a phone conversation with a todler pulling on your clothes.
i don't expect either of you to find my comments helpful but that is the best I can do

Whatever the reason you feel obliged to aid, reexamine it.
For some reason, perhaps beyond there control, this person wants to hand over the reigns of responsibility to someone else.
I have known people like this, some lazy, some depressed, some temporarily overwhelmed, in the end they are willing to become a parasite, if they can find a willing host.

Be very clear in your boundaries, on they will continue to encroach.

Okay she's not on disability, can go up and down stairs with ease while carrying heavy loads and is mentally perfectly fine. She is on no form of public aid and is in no need of it.

Shakingdustoff, sounds like you read a lot of stuff into my post that wasn't there - please keep your projections to yourself. I'm in no mood to carry your or anyone else's bs today.

I appreciate that you feel the need to be discreet. No doubt you have your reasons. But unless you can explain what obliges you to take responsibility for someone who is not your child or in some other way your dependant, it is difficult to understand why you cannot simply ignore this person and allow him or her to enjoy ill health at his or her earliest convenience.

Does she have friends, outside interests, hobbies? Those things usually keep people active and involved in life. I can't imagine what would make someone that age want to act that way. Unless she feels isolated or ignored and using this as an attention getter. Has she been to a doctor recently; just in case there is some underlying cause for her behavior.

It has to be frustrating for you. You are a good friend to want to help.

I have relatives like you, starry sky. They think they know better than Doctors and other professionals, too.

Anecdotally, I can tell you fear and adrenaline and naproxen carried me through years of cycles of heavy activity and then collapse. During the physical collapses, there's isolation and fatigue so intense that getting medical diagnoses is sometimes an effort too far.

So now I find I have cervical anterolisthesis, C4 over 5, 5 over 6, and 6 over 7.

I'm sure starrysky knows what that is, without looking it up.

I can also tell you, I can't wait to see these angry, judgemental, hate-filled relatives for the last time. Do your relative a favor, and pretend you're dead.

And that above post doesn't include the two torn rotator cuffs, one severely, that I've been living with for close to 20 years now, so yes, the post above was a personal, heated response.


Maybe it needed to be, to remind people that judging others is an idiot's passtime. In my family, they should focus on cleaning out their own cages.