My mom lives in a wonderful assisted living home but feels abandoned if I'm not always there. How can I reassure her she is not alone?

JeannieG & Heaton are spot-on in their comments.

First of all, it's really great that you have done the work (and it's not easy) to get your mom moved several states to AL closer to you. If this move is very recent, it could be that she is still adjusting and frightened and you are the only one she knows. Perhaps the AL has a "buddy" system for the new residents, someone who will save her a seat at lunch, remind her about the sign up sheet for the weekly grocery/shopping/outing trip, the "Susie, I'm going to the beauty shop want to come?" type. They had this at my mom's IL and for their AL section too.

But perhaps you mom's cognitive state is not what it seems to be. Was she still living at her home of decades before? This can mask alot of problems as they can control things in their home & can seem capable but cannot really function once moved. Does she really understand what AL is/does, what the button on her wrist is for, that they check in on her on a regular basis and what that means?

With my mom, she fell at least 3 times from a dizzy spell when she went to get clothes out of her closet and even though the emergency cord pull was right there
and she was wearing the emergency pendant, she could not mentally process that she could pull the cord for help and also that she needed help and could ask.

Your mom's AL sounds like a good place, they did what they should have once they found out about a problem.

My gut feeling is that there may be some larger issues for you as to your mom's health. What is her health like - both physical and mental? What was it that got you to the tipping point of moving her to AL?

Was you mom evaluated for dementia? If not perhaps you could have your mom evaluated. It would be helpful for you, her AL and for mom.

Dementia is just so unique. None of the symptoms happen overnight or all at the same time. A lot of what happens depends on what type of dementia. My experience is that getting them evaluated by a gerontolgist MD makes a huge difference in deciding the best care. Having a baseline Folstein/MMSE done & repeated is really helpful to be realistic about what careplan to take. Same with scan on brain shrinkage. After my mom's last fall in her IL, she had a MMSE done - she had gone from a 25/26 to a 12. So she went from IL to LTC/NH. She has Lewy Body Dementia, which seems to be more episodic for problems.

If your mom is still on the young and vibrant side you could forego the Folstein and do a MiniCog on your own – I got my son to do it with my mom, as she thought of it as a game he played with her. Also he has alot more patience that I do!

Good Luck and let us know what happens.

My mother-in-law has both dementia/Alz and macular degeneration, so she can do neither see nor remember anything anymore. I got her a big button land line a few years ago when she could remember a little better. I programmed her phone to call her boys & me really easy. Her sons were now #1, #2, #3 and me #4 on the memory dial. Well when she was living at home alone still, some woman called her and wanted to ask her some dumb question that she didn't understand. She told the woman to call her daughter-in-law cause I was the one taking care of her needs. The woman said okay, what was my number? My m-i-l told her " She's #4". She and I laughed about that for a long time.

You may want to let your Mom know that you agree with her that the situation should have and could have been handled better by the staff. Invite her to join you in meeting with the director to express your mutual concerns and expectations in moving forward should anything like that ever happen again. It may be comforting to your Mom to know that you are on her side and do want to be in touch with her on a regular basis. I have been without phone service over a weekend and felt totally isolated. It's more than a little scary to think that you wouldn't be able to call someone for help if you needed to do so.

Does this AL have call buttons in each apartment, in case of emergency? How isolated was your mother, in realtiy? If it took the phone company 4 days to repair the phone, what could your presence have done to change that? How is this the facility's fault? Were there some extenuating circumstances? Many phones out because of a major storm, etc?

You travel. Your mother cannot depend on your constant presence or even that you will always be nearby or available. That is, perhaps, sad for her, but it is also fact.

Does your mother need more care than assisted living?

I'm not sure what Austin would have you make a big stink about. What should the AL have done that they did not do?

I guess I'm missing a piece to this puzzle.

I have observed that when we age our world becomes smaller and small problems become bigger. My Mom tends to isolate herself and not get involved with activities or in making friends. Then when some minor inconvenience happens it becomes monumental to her.
My Mom, too, tends to panic when she knows her family is out of town. She also has "sundowner's" episodes that cause her panic attacks in the evening. We all do what we can for her, but it isn't humanly possible for anyone to live someone else's life for them.
I can understand her fear in not being able to dial out on her phone - it is her lifeline to the outside world. But it wasn't the ALF's responsibility to repair her phone. Your Mom is just using this incident to add to her fears.
When my Mom is having a panic attack she cannot articulate what she wants so it is difficult for me to "fix it." I would suggest that you help your Mom through these episodes by listening but do not try to remedy the situation until she is calmer and can tell you what is really bothering her. It may be as simple as getting more help for her or asking the staff to make some changes in her care. Also, if your Mom is isolating herself at the ALF, she needs to get more involved with activities or outings. If she just sits in her room alone all day, there is not much to occupy her mind.
good luck.

When someone we love has an unpleasant feeling, we all tend to try to talk them out of it -- that's the impulse behind reassurance, essentially, isn't it? We go "Don't worry, it's not like you think." We even do this to ourselves. But when someone's trying to express something and it doesn't get heard, they get louder (us included). Validate FIRST: "It sounds like it felt scary not to have the phone working right away." "It sounds like these inconveniences are unsettling to you." You're NOT agreeing. You're showing that you've heard the feelings. It seems like doing that will magnify the feelings, but it's often surprising how that calms them down instead. Of course, you also show that you're solving whatever actual logistical problems you can, for which others here have given great suggestions.

Get her a Tracfone and make sure it is always plugged in to the power so will be available to her should the phone go out again. If she can handle it the phone, plugging it in to power when needed, then get her a little pouch to carry it around her neck. then she will be able to call you whenever, even when she is out of her room. If she can handle it, then a G4 smartphone with two way video would be great...then she can see you and you her. You can hook up a remote camera so you can always view her room on your computer. Perhaps several little security steps will make her feel more secure.

Realistically, more than likely you will not be able to reassure her, especially if you are the only family or friend she has to rely on. I am always here but my mom (she is not in assisted living or nursing home yet) is very needy and actually really Has been abandoned by half of the family, the rest are so widely spread that they cannot reassure her either. I am the only one. I might suggest as a backup you get her one of those cheap "disposable" celphones. You just have to convince her that it is only for emergencies and not to gossip on - I could never convince my sister of that and she could go through Tracphone minutes like a hot knife through butter! Anyway, just having it may give her a sort of 'woobie' or security blanket until she feels more secure again. Do NOT do as I have done, sacrifice all your spare time reassuring someone who can't be reassured. You need that time for You!

Alot of this really depends on the cognitive state of the elder and what the other residents of the AL is also. It could just be a waste and something expensive to be MIA. If there's alot of residents with dementia, stuff is going to walk. There is no way to keep this from happening. Mawmaw's shiny red Acer is gonna end up in someone else's room or with someone else's family.

When my mom was in IL, there was a computer zone on each floor for the residents and guests. It was set up adjacent to the card tables, which were used three times a week for set card games. Other than family teens and tweens using it on visits to gran, there was only 2 residents out of 25 apts who used it on her floor. None of the others had computers in their apts either.I'm not sure how realistic it would be to give an AL resident a ipad.

Did you mom leave friends when she moved? Was she active? I am sure it must be very difficult on her to have moved recently to a totally different region and left everything she knew behind. She is probably grieving the loss of her home and life before. She is probably also angry (part of the grief) and may be the phone is away of indirectly saying she is angry because she can directly express that to you but not tell you she is angry? Have you had any chance to acclimate her to her new town? Taken her to see the sites?

Lilliput, I certainly sympathize with people who experience sundowner's and their caregivers. I experienced something very similar about 6 weeks postpartum. It took several months to not have these evening attacks of panic. They would start about an hour before sunset and then last until an hour or so after sunset. It was as if I did not want the dark to come. I am usually such a night owl, too. I remember once during this time the electricity was out from about 1 AM to 3 AM and I could not stand it even though I should have been asleep at this time and would not have noticed otherwise.