Eating, drinking and passing away. Any advice?

My mom has wanted to die every day for my entire life. Each morning was a huge disappointment for her. Medication has helped this some - as much as it's able to.

My mom is on this hospice roller coaster too. Only other people who have been through this kind of thing can understand what is intended when someone says they hope their loved one passes away soon. It means an end to suffering. It means a beginning of a new phase. It means you can go ahead and really get into the grief & healing process versus being on stand-by indefinitely.

I am learning that is not a selfish statement to make. It doesn't mean you want to erase that person's memory or legacy, as if they were never here.

Unlike TV shows, the death process can be extremely prolonged for some people, and I just find that I don't know what to do with myself during this stage. I am not a prattler, like some relatives who can babble on about nothing for hours. I feel inept to do this stage with any kind of grace at all and just hope I'm not making it worse for anybody.

No need for any guilt. This is a very typical end of life story. It's never easy. I live 10 hours from my folks and may or may not be there at the end. It's not my fault, it's just the way our lives changed over 30 years ago.

Posted too soon....

It's only normal to want it to be over with. We all know this.

My uncle starved himself for a month trying to die (he was 110 dripping wet as it was) He survived MRSA, starvation, pneumonia, And then one night when I was not expecting it to happen he took a deep breath and left the world. Who knows what keeps the loved ones hanging on, but when it's time it is time. I prayed for years for my Uncle's peace. I cried like a baby when he passed, but I now know he is free. So please do not feel guilty, when you see someone that has absolutely no quality of life anymore, and you know it cannot get better it is perfectly natural to want them at peace. Big Hugs to you.

My 90 year old mother has gone down hill since her last fall several weeks ago. She wasn't eating well before; it is worse now. If you ASK her, she says she doesn't want anything. But I take a small plate in anyways, and she eats most of it. She is on pain meds and I tell her she can't take them on an empty stomach. Besides that, she is bedridden, all day and night. She does nothing but sleep. Such a useless existence, and as much as I love her, at times, I really wish it would be over. Yes, I feel some guilt, but I know she can't be far from her last breath. She has no clue what's going on, and the look of desperation in her eyes is heart breaking. So dont feel bad. You are not alone. Not by a long shot.

I don't know how you handle it. I'm so glad that you posted this issue though. I have seen a lady who is in a rest home who seems to be in a vegetative state. Her eyes are open at times but she just lies still. I don't think she can move. Sometimes she just stares in to space. Mostly, she is asleep I can't imagine she would be able to eat anything. She's not being tube fed either. She is very thin. I often wonder how she is surviving. I don't understand how it is possible.

Thank you! Your kindness and support is of great help!

Believe me, you are not alone. This standing on the die of a cliff, balancing your emotions. On one hand you want your loved one to improve and live forever, but then you realize that is selfish just wanting to keep them close forever. My stepdad was on Hospice for many years and any time I asked him how he was, he said he was miserable and just wanted to die. We hear about people living to be 113 and we think wow isn't that great, but the idea of that scares the crap out of me. I have chronic pain that limits my quality of life at 59. I know it will get worse rather than better unless they make some giant strides in pain management. There are times when I just want to give up. I can't imagine being that old.
My only advice is to stop feeling guilty. It never helps you and it never helps the person you are thinking about. Do your best to make contact on a regular basis even if it is just a card in the mail. Caring for my mother in my home, I see how her spirits are lifted when she gets a phone call or a card from family because she doesn't feel so isolated. And as someone else said, support your family members that are doing the daily caregiving. Call them, let them know how much you appreciate the sacrifices they make to help your mom. Most of us have left our jobs to do this and if it is in your budget just send your caregiver a gift card to Amazon or someplace she can order from. It is nice to be appreciated although we do it for love.

(((HUGS))) My Mom is the same way. She has said for quite some time that " maybe I'll die soon" , or I will die at the end of the year. She eats so little - I'm pretty certain she is not eating and drinking deliberately. She is midway+ into vascular dementia, and has been depressed before. All she does is read ( but I don't think she retains, just reads the words). She just won't do anything to help herself. She is alone for so many hours. I have tried to get her into a facility, but my ornery POA brother won't do it. I feel Mom would do much better there, than at home alone. She would be more likely to eat and drink a bit more and maybe participate with others. She just turned 79 - she's still "young". I really have done all I can do.

I feel your pain. My mother has been ill for just about my whole life. She's been on a real rollercoaster the last couple years. She was put on Hospice about 7 months ago. She fell and broke her hip 4 weeks ago. Her COPD seems better so they released her from Hospice today. However, I feel she's in worse shape than when she went on it. Go figure, I take care of her by going there every morning and she has a husband and a friend. Still I wonder how much longer I can do this. I don't want to make her go to a nursing home as I wouldn't want to go myself.

All you can do is be supportive of your loved ones that are helping her and let your mom know that your behind her however she wants to handle it.