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When my mom (age 84 ) was hospitalized
Palliative Care, recommended Hospice. During our visit with Pallitive Care, they stated even a small bite of food was enough to "sustain life for a number of days"
Our mom has been in Hospice care since 7/24
She has been eating a bit one day and nothing for several days. I just read an earlier post and their loved one seemed to have this same pattern with 1-2 good days a week. Months ago, mom mom told my dad, "why is it others just fall down and die and we're still here?" She told the doctor she wanted to die. (Of course he told her it was illegal for him to do anything about it and put her on Wellbrutin which we learned that someone her age should not be on that med). ... So we believe in our hearts that Mom wants to pass away, I've told her 3-4 times that we love her, she's lived a good life...also saying it is not our time line rather, God's. She has said her good byes...
Is the food sustaining her? This yo yo of alertness is emotional draining. I have returned to my home 8 hours away. Another sibling and our dad sees her several times a day. I feel guilty for wanting her to pass ... This is what we all know that it's what she desires.

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My mother in law came to us weighing 70 lbs. I managed to get 5 lbs back on her befor we had to place her in a board and care home. She now weighs about 55 to 60 lbs. She has been on hospice 2 times, they are discussing removing her again as they consider her stable. She is slowly dieing but because it has been 1 year, they will remove her. We moved out of state as my parents needed help and i am the only one available. My mother in law has no daughters and the 2 remaining sons are basically worthless. So, now i will have to try to manage her (MIL) care long distance, figuring out doctors, medications, ect.
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We're way beyond that stage. She been a Depends girl for a few years, except now I have to change them.
I just realized that she might have a uti, and started her on antibiotics yesterday. She got this way before but I had forgotten about it. I hope that's all it is.
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Horse lady, my mom can eat and usually has a decent appetite, but occasionally she has some gastro problems and only wants toast. When she does this I tell her that she needs to drink Ensure because she needs the protein or her body will use her muscles to survive. Then she will not be able to get out of her bed and she'll have to wear diapers. She is way too proud to go there as long as she has anything to say about it.
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I love sandwich's comment............"I'm not a prattler". You know, I am so completely out of words (and I used to be a prattler lol).

My 90 year old mom (bipolar and early dementia) just moved in with me (my bedbound 90 yr old MIL was already living here). It's been daunting. These 2 women are competing with each other for my attention - ugh. One roams around and the other is full-care in her bed. I have zero privacy.
Back to my original sentence about chatting: we've discussed the weather till I can't stand it. There is nothing to talk about etc etc. It's a long boring road.......................
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My 90 year old mother has gone down hill since her last fall several weeks ago. She wasn't eating well before; it is worse now. If you ASK her, she says she doesn't want anything. But I take a small plate in anyways, and she eats most of it. She is on pain meds and I tell her she can't take them on an empty stomach. Besides that, she is bedridden, all day and night. She does nothing but sleep. Such a useless existence, and as much as I love her, at times, I really wish it would be over. Yes, I feel some guilt, but I know she can't be far from her last breath. She has no clue what's going on, and the look of desperation in her eyes is heart breaking. So dont feel bad. You are not alone. Not by a long shot.
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Thank you. This site has been most helpful
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Believe me, you are not alone. This standing on the die of a cliff, balancing your emotions. On one hand you want your loved one to improve and live forever, but then you realize that is selfish just wanting to keep them close forever. My stepdad was on Hospice for many years and any time I asked him how he was, he said he was miserable and just wanted to die. We hear about people living to be 113 and we think wow isn't that great, but the idea of that scares the crap out of me. I have chronic pain that limits my quality of life at 59. I know it will get worse rather than better unless they make some giant strides in pain management. There are times when I just want to give up. I can't imagine being that old.
My only advice is to stop feeling guilty. It never helps you and it never helps the person you are thinking about. Do your best to make contact on a regular basis even if it is just a card in the mail. Caring for my mother in my home, I see how her spirits are lifted when she gets a phone call or a card from family because she doesn't feel so isolated. And as someone else said, support your family members that are doing the daily caregiving. Call them, let them know how much you appreciate the sacrifices they make to help your mom. Most of us have left our jobs to do this and if it is in your budget just send your caregiver a gift card to Amazon or someplace she can order from. It is nice to be appreciated although we do it for love.
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Thank you! Your kindness and support is of great help!
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I feel your pain. My mother has been ill for just about my whole life. She's been on a real rollercoaster the last couple years. She was put on Hospice about 7 months ago. She fell and broke her hip 4 weeks ago. Her COPD seems better so they released her from Hospice today. However, I feel she's in worse shape than when she went on it. Go figure, I take care of her by going there every morning and she has a husband and a friend. Still I wonder how much longer I can do this. I don't want to make her go to a nursing home as I wouldn't want to go myself.

All you can do is be supportive of your loved ones that are helping her and let your mom know that your behind her however she wants to handle it.
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I don't know how you handle it. I'm so glad that you posted this issue though. I have seen a lady who is in a rest home who seems to be in a vegetative state. Her eyes are open at times but she just lies still. I don't think she can move. Sometimes she just stares in to space. Mostly, she is asleep I can't imagine she would be able to eat anything. She's not being tube fed either. She is very thin. I often wonder how she is surviving. I don't understand how it is possible.
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My uncle starved himself for a month trying to die (he was 110 dripping wet as it was) He survived MRSA, starvation, pneumonia, And then one night when I was not expecting it to happen he took a deep breath and left the world. Who knows what keeps the loved ones hanging on, but when it's time it is time. I prayed for years for my Uncle's peace. I cried like a baby when he passed, but I now know he is free. So please do not feel guilty, when you see someone that has absolutely no quality of life anymore, and you know it cannot get better it is perfectly natural to want them at peace. Big Hugs to you.
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My mom has wanted to die every day for my entire life. Each morning was a huge disappointment for her. Medication has helped this some - as much as it's able to.

My mom is on this hospice roller coaster too. Only other people who have been through this kind of thing can understand what is intended when someone says they hope their loved one passes away soon. It means an end to suffering. It means a beginning of a new phase. It means you can go ahead and really get into the grief & healing process versus being on stand-by indefinitely.

I am learning that is not a selfish statement to make. It doesn't mean you want to erase that person's memory or legacy, as if they were never here.

Unlike TV shows, the death process can be extremely prolonged for some people, and I just find that I don't know what to do with myself during this stage. I am not a prattler, like some relatives who can babble on about nothing for hours. I feel inept to do this stage with any kind of grace at all and just hope I'm not making it worse for anybody.
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(((HUGS))) My Mom is the same way. She has said for quite some time that " maybe I'll die soon" , or I will die at the end of the year. She eats so little - I'm pretty certain she is not eating and drinking deliberately. She is midway+ into vascular dementia, and has been depressed before. All she does is read ( but I don't think she retains, just reads the words). She just won't do anything to help herself. She is alone for so many hours. I have tried to get her into a facility, but my ornery POA brother won't do it. I feel Mom would do much better there, than at home alone. She would be more likely to eat and drink a bit more and maybe participate with others. She just turned 79 - she's still "young". I really have done all I can do.
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Posted too soon....

It's only normal to want it to be over with. We all know this.
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No need for any guilt. This is a very typical end of life story. It's never easy. I live 10 hours from my folks and may or may not be there at the end. It's not my fault, it's just the way our lives changed over 30 years ago.
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