Dying to get INTO my husband's nursing home. What can I do?

Unfortunately, your "Christianity" is not going to help you get into a Skilled Nursing Facility when you have no physical needs to warrant you BEING in a Skilled Nursing Facility. The best thing you can do, short of running out in traffic, is to go visit your husband every day & spend time with him. Then you can make sure his oxygen cannula is on properly, at least. Maybe have your meals together every day, and just hold hands.

I'm sorry you're in such a position, but I don't wish you to 'have a NEED' to go into a Skilled Nursing Facility simply so you two can be together. Wishing sickness or mobility issues upon yourself isn't really a good idea, no matter how noble the reason.

Best of luck to both you and your hubby.

Is the nursing home limiting your time visiting? One of my mom's room mates had a husband visiting every day, every meal, and bedtime. He may have had special permission. I did too because my mom was considered close to death, but families of other residents were limited with time spent visiting. I agree that you could be very helpful if you lived there, but you can't. Could you both be in assisted living with a visiting nurse instead or is his COPD severe enough to keep him in nursing home?

A poster from months back said they were living with their spouse in a custodial capacity. They did the routine toileting and hygiene. The facility let them stay for free.

You don’t NEED to be in nursing care there are far more people like you in the same position just be thankful that you can go and visit and learn to be on your own try looking at hobbies etc to keep you busy

There may be someone in one of the groups below that has some insight. It was begun when family caregivers were locked out of facilities and could not even visit their loved ones. A lot of progress has been made with that effort.

https://www.essentialcaregiverscoalition.org/feed?fbclid=IwAR35TOCx3kiuNfDXjYRx1dxg9UT1zqtcnfTgpJFueSUMXiwRQNu5LHUALTk

The group below is specific to my state, South Carolina. There are similar groups for many of the states and you may find one for yours if you search on Google.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/315279832983350

It sounds like you would like to be a "patient" in a nursing home with your husband. Unless you "qualify" by Medicare standards they could only allow you to be a patient if you can afford to be private pay. The few times my husband was a patient in a SNF it was for rehab and I did stay 24/7 to help him except for quick trips home and it was allowed in a private room. It is very draining and hard but I was allowed to be there.

Gov. Kathy Hochul’s administration has lifted a three-month pause on a new law that will require nursing homes to meet minimum standards for staffing and patient care.
Advocates for the law — which creates minimum staffing ratios and requires that nursing home residents get at least 3.5 hours per day of direct nursing care — said they're relieved that the delay is over.
Julie Martinez, a member of the health care workers union 1199 SEIU and a nurse at the Dunkirk nursing home in western New York, said there have been times in the past couple of years when she has been the only registered nurse on duty for 40 residents.
She said it’s “heartbreaking” to be unable to meet even the basic needs of residents, like helping them use the bathroom or getting them a glass of water.
“The staff is crying because they know that the residents are not getting quality care,” Martinez said. “They deserve it and we can’t give it to them.”
She said residents went for months without visitors earlier in the COVID-19 pandemic, and sometimes they just needed to have a conversation. Martinez said she hopes the new staffing minimums will now make that possible.

Visit as often and as long as you can. Can you see if you can volunteer your services there?

My uncle lived with my great-grandmother in a nursing home. He didn't need the care either, but they had an arrangement. When she passed away he moved out and got his own apartment.

Since it sounds like this isn't an option at the current nursing home that your husband is in, check out other locations, perhaps combination facilities that offer varying levels of care.

Being finances are no issue he needs to be moved to a facility that accommodates both of you. He can be cared for and you can live there also and stay after. It was s great experience for my in laws.

[It actually doesn't say that in the Bible, no. But the order of service for the Solemnization of Matrimony in the Book of Common Prayer is almost as authoritative, I'd have thought.]

Can you and the three boys put your heads together and find a facility with a more open mind when it comes to admissions and a wider range of care options?

temper13, so sorry you are going through this. As for the falls, there is no way anyone can prevent a fall. There could be room full of doctors, nurses, and aides, and a person could fall within a split second. I see from your profile, your husband also has Alzheimer's/Dementia.

Is your husband in a single room? I was thinking that if you ask the nursing home if you could stay overnight for a couple of days then you may find it too exhausting for yourself to deal with the commotion and sounds of a nursing home on a 24 hours basis. I know when I spent the night with my Mom, I slept in a reclining chair, I was constantly waking up to unfamiliar sounds. I was so zoned out, I had to go home.

And, heaven forbid you should need to be in a hospital, and later go to rehab, you would be sent to whatever nursing home that has an open bed. It may not be the nursing home where your husband is staying.

Be with hubby during the day, but go home to recharge yourself so you can be ready for the next day.

Accept God’s will. He may be giving you what you need, not what you want. And time to adapt to changing circumstances. And the means to accept you aren’t the one in control.

Or maybe he’s telling you to bring your husband home. The cost of at home care will likely be no more than paying for you and your husband’s NH care.

Maybe God is gifting you an opportunity to rethink your interpretation of Christian. Playing the Bible card to get what you think you’re entitled to smacks of desperate phony piety (that’s also transparent and self-defeating). No one dissolved your union. The nursing home didn’t force your husband to be admitted or force you to agree to their terms.

My mom has caregivers. And there is no restriction on the length of time they are there. I cancelled the facility caregiver to hire a dedicated worker. Maybe instead or nursing home, a assisted living.

Could you both move into Assisted Living? That doesn't require any diagnosis, and you could still function independently but have professionals on call to help take care of your husband. If the issue is financial, that is a different story.

The memory care facility where my aunt (who had dementia) was placed allowed her husband (who did not have dementia) and her to live together in the same room. I'm not sure if this is a routine scenario with MC or was some sort of exceptional arrangement. He did have to pay the same amount as she did. The downside was that he didn't really receive the stimulation and socialization appropriate for his own mental capacity, but it was far outweighed by the peace and joy of being able to be with his wife. This was in Oakland, CA. Perhaps you could make some inquiries into local MC facilities to see if one of them might allow this kind of arrangement?

Are you thinking to be invited in to live with hubby without paying?
If you are a paying resident would that be OK?
Perhaps consider an Assisted Living situation if that would work, if the care would be enough for hubby and you living together. And then of course assets and costs are a consideration, and while there may be a cut in rate there would still not be "two for the price of one"; you would still be a paying resident.
Hope you find a way.

If money is not the issue, then move him to a facility that allows you both to live together. It will cost more, but you’ll achieve your goal

My MIL moved into a NH, took her own double bed and FIL came with her. He didn’t need care, only food. I’m not sure how the money worked. It was unusual here, but this NH was not the only one that allowed it.

I saw on the news that a wife took a job as a dishwasher in the same facility as her husband was placed.. She wanted to be close to her husband in care during covid lockdown.

temper13: Imho, your solution could, in part, be that you visit him every day. A friend of mine was in an SNF for twelve years and his wife visited him every day 365 days a years x 12 = 4,380 times. Of note is that my friend did not possess a driver's license.

You can not be a resident in a skilled nursing facility unless you need skilled nursing. You can visit him and be near him during the day - as much as the facility visiting hours allow.

The other option is to take him home and hire round the clock caregivers from a home health agency. Before doing do, please consult several home health care agencies for their rates and talk with somebody at the bank about financing this. Your spouse may live a long life, and you will need finances to take care of yourself if your needs change.

Interesting discussion here. Little story:

About twenty years ago, a friend of ours (who is a doctor) paid for two rooms to be remodeled into a small apartment for his parents in a private-run nursing home. That way, one parent got the care they needed and didn't have to be separated from the spouse. If money isn't an issue, then maybe this is an idea worth exploring.

You don’t NEED to go into nursing care if there is nothing wrong with you there are far more needy cases that need the help so stop wishing illness on yourself and just be thankful that you can visit learn to be a bit more independent