Dying spouse refuses to contact adult son. Any suggestions?

I think the son is aware his dad is dying and if he doesn't want to see him (and hasn't seen him) then I think it best to leave that decision to him. Say your thoughts about how life is so short and forgiveness is more about healing ourselves than seeing others free. But if he still chooses to stay away then leave that to him.

My father was married prior to my mother and had a son from that marriage. He had an affair with my mother and left his son and wife. His son wanted nothing to do with my dad after he became an adult because of how he hurt his mother. Can't say I blame him. We contacted him when dad was ill but he didn't respond. I don't think it was my brother's job to reach out - my dad never apologized or gave a d*** how he hurt them. I think my dad was dead to my brother a long time before his passing.

If someone doesn't want to see their own parent before they die, they probably have a good reason and I doubt he will regret it either. He probably is already dead to him and he processed that ages ago.

There’s a lot we don’t know here. What was their relationship like prior to now? Why doesn’t your spouse want a visit from his son? Something doesn’t add up.

Tell son to grow up and visit his dying parent. It will be too late soon.

If it were me, I would talk with my son and say  your father is dying, so he won't be the one left dealing with the regrets or what if's.  Make peace with him so that once he is gone, there is nothing left un-said or un-done.  Learn from your fathers mistakes. Don't become him.

I've read the replies all are from good-hearted people mho. Things change, one never knows. Our family had an experience with our father when he was in the VA hospital on his last days. It was a true gift.

He was manic-depressive (His mother committed suicide when he was young. They were from Finland and new to America, no family, or friends, father alcoholic and she just wanted out but left a note stating she could not bear any more children. He was the only child.) He had an exceptional IQ and was promoted to adjutant general because of it (yet would rant about the war as if he was in the battle field). A child prodigy on violin or any instrument for that matter. Arts, and gifted writer.

There was abuse as children. Severe. One could not move or even breathe without him noticing and "paying the consequence". There were good times (camping, hiking, trips in nature) but the knowledge that the crazy behavior and abuse could crop up suddenly made it never safe to relax.

Mother was told by ministers to honor her vows "til death do you part". (I eventually convinced her to obtain a divorce and helped to get him placed in the VA hospital).

None the less, we children and mother saw him on his last days. Each coming from different states at different times.

On this final days at the VA hospital he became this other person. Lucid, gentle, articulate, remembered events and places. Loving and kind. He said he was grateful that the family had rallied around him. A totally different person. He was full of light and love not rage.

My mom and I were walking in the gardens and she said "That's the man I married".

I was so grateful to have had that experience - to see how it would have been without that horrific mental derangement - it was a true gift.

lovinghb: I am so sorry to read your updated post about the issues that you stated. Prayers sent, if that's any consolation to you.

any individual can only control what he or she does. The important thing is for your son to know that he did his best to communicate with his dad. As long as that is true, it's OK. if your son comes to visit [and I hope he does] and his dad won't see him, at least you will get to see your son and get his support for you. This is especially true as I imagine you can use some support.

lovinghb, I'm so sorry for the situation all around. You did what you could and what you thought best.

I don't know how old or young your son is but I hope at some point he is able to come to terms with the type of father he had and release the anger and hurt so that he is able to live a good life full of joy. Your son has made every effort to communicate with his father and he can do no more than that.

I also hope you can come to terms and overcome anger and hurt that you suffered in your marriage so that you too can live a joyful, good life.

I wish all of you peace.

A wise person once told me that you have choices in life and with those choices come consequences - both Good and Bad. If the dying father is aware that his son has been trying to reach out to him and rejects that - that's on the father. Is it sad - yup, but a relationship is a TWO WAY STREET.

It is a difficult situation to address. The answers in here so far have been very good. It is up to your son to make the move. His Dad is about to disconnect forever. Your son may choose to connect the last time or not. I realize that in this society the child is superior to the parent. However in such terminal cases the child can and should bend his neck a bit, even clear the air between them, even apologize for HIS PART in the situation. Your son may want to save his pride, but pride will not soothe him but will keep him awake at night and there will not be any way to make up with his Dad. He can just come in even just for an hour. For me to know that my son valued me so much to make this magnanimous gesture would greatly ease my way. It will help you son for the rest of his life. Just coming to see his Dad may be enough of a gesture to make up things between them. Dad is dying, it will happen; for your son's sake I feel you should try *not to force* your son but to make him *see* what younger people have trouble seeing, that compassion and magnanimity are far better than stubbornness and pride.
Best to all of you!

Just a little information, my husband is a jerk and never maintained a relationship with his son. Their relationship was sending text messages every 2 months. That's it. My son has never done anything to make his father act like this. His father is an alcoholic who didn't want a relationship with anyone.

But come on, if you can physically send a text to your kid, give the kid some peace of mind at the end of your life.

Umm ...since when as the dying person one has to think of others and their wee feelings.
IF he doesn't want to talk to his son, then he doesn't want to talk to his son. Im sure the son knows why. It then becomes his monkey and circus so if he wants to be hurt and angry. Let him be

Thank you for all the responses.

Lovinghb, I agree with you at this point. You have done what you can. Its now between father and son. And you going to his funeral depends on you. My Ex had no funeral because his sister had him cremated. He had become like a Hermit with a friend we share running errands for him. I think I may have gone to his viewing, maybe stayed for the service but that would have been as far as I would have gone. I was only married 5 yrs though. Not enough history there. I was only involved in his death because our mutual friend figured I had info on the family which I did. Once that was given to the Coroner, he took over and contacted exSIL.

Seems like u and son have a long history of alcohol abuse by this man. You finally were able to walk away. Glad he contacted your son. Doesn't mean son has to hop in his car and drive to his Dad. If he does, thats his choice. I hope you all get closer here. Once Ex passes, you and son need to just put it all behind you and move on. Please do this. I have a 66 year old cousin who, even with therapy, has not been able to move on from a rotten childhood. And my beloved Aunt was part of the problem. Not the problem, that was his Dad, but my Aunt had her faults. She has been gone over 20yrs and his Dad less than that. And he still brings it all up when we talk.

Would need more info.
Was there something already between the two before?

Prayers

Both you and son will be the ones left after this man has passed on.
Ask yourselves what behavior will give you each the most peace as you replay the way you conducted yourselves at the end of his life.
The last chapter is not concluded yet.
What indelible ending do you want to write?

Given that you had issues with your husband before he became ill, yet you are still advocating for him indicates you are a good person.

I am sorry your son feels hurt. It may be that your husband is experiencing dementia, unless he has always been dismissive toward you or other family members.

In any case, given your situation, do what feels best to you. You know your situation better than anyone else. No one has enough information to judge you, no matter what path you take.

Ignore the silly demented behavior and explain it to the son -- have him do the same. You will thank yourselves down the road. Folks who are suffering from mental decline cannot be held responsible nor should they be allowed to ruin lives and relationships. Tell the son to bring photographs of the two interacting and enjoying a Good Relationship. Tell the son to bring lots of forgiveness with him.
Remember the dementia is a disease... stop respecting the evil thing. It takes over the host and rewrites all sorts of experiences in a most negative way. Ignore it.
Love on the Dad as if it were when he had his real memories.

Spouse texted son last night. I'm not getting involved anymore. It's tough for me because I'm still angry with him as we were in middle of divorce and I stopped that due to him dying. I'm glad he lives in another state because his mental health has been going down the last 4 years. He was just diagnosed in January and hospice told us Friday he will pass in the next 4 weeks.

I want to make sure son is good and he will go again when father is actively dying. I still have to decide if I will go but we lived separate for a long time.

Pray about the situation and continue praying asking God for guidance. Be still and listen for God’s advise. It’s up to your son and father if they see each other again in this world. Let your son decide what he wants to do, if he doesn’t come it doesn’t mean he didn’t love his father.
The only person you can control is yourself. Make sure you do what you can to prepare your husband for eternity. God is always with us.

Why would she not try to get involved? Too many people say that when there is an opportunity to make things right - we should all get involved. The involvement of course should be totally positive saying good things about both father and son and discussing love.

Sometimes things cannot be resolved. Both my parents died 9 years ago. I still have issues with my father. He was verbally abusive to my mother and to me. He picked fights. No matter what I did, it was never enough. I could never win his favor.

I understand how your son feels. He has tried to contact his father. The bible says "honor" your father and your mother. It doesn't say "love." Your son has tried to honor his father. He will continue to honor him by living a fulfilling life.

This is not the son's fault, its the father's. The son has texted/called and the father does not respond. Son has visited. Their relationship has never been a good one. His father is ghosting him and he is suppose to be coming back for more. The son should not regret a thing. In a parent child relationship, the parent is responsible for keeping a relationship going not a child. In my situation, it was an ex and our daughter. He never went out of his way for her. He never came to her ballgames, concerts, etc. But I am very sure he expected her to go out of her way for him. I was told by a therapist that its up to the parent to keep contact with their child not expect a child to do it. TG my daughter had her step-father, who eventually adopted her, but it would have been so much better if her Dad had been involved in her life. They had so much in common. He is the one who missed out not her. He was a self-centered person.

I pray OPs son has no regrets because there is no reason for him to have them. The father is the problem here. The son has reached out and the father is refusing to acknowledge it.

You don’t say why he won’t? My poor cousin was forced to see his dad dying in hospital by his mum “ you will regret it if you don’t “ she said. The last thing that man said to his son was “I’m giving my business to your brother you have been such a disappointment” then he died, it would have been better not to have forced him to see his dad -he was always a nasty so and so.

Why I’m putting this out there is that sometimes it’s best to let people make their own mind up.

Have your son come to visit with the mutual understanding that his dad may not speak to him. Better to have tried than to wonder afterward. Sometimes life is surprising and it works out.

I think the dying person should be able to decide who je will talk to or spend time with. My husband did not want any of his family to know he was sick. His adult son and siblings only found out when I called them after he died. That was sad and traumatic, but I always felt it was my husband's right to make that decision. He did not want the questions or attention or hovering that would have come with family invo!vement.

Has he discussed it with his caretaker? Ask that person if she can add to your understanding of the situation. Explain your concern for both of them. Alcoholics spend their lives avoiding difficult emotional situations. So the stress of dying is likely to increase that. The caretaker may have an opportunity to help him with the situation. Then take care of your part of this time, and try to help his son if the time comes to do so.

Sometimes things just don't go the way we want. Sometimes it is fixable and sometimes not. You might try a kind suggestion once. I did with my Grandmother. She said no and that was that. It was sad. Those were her last words that made sense. She passed away 6 weeks later.
People make their own choices.

I would contact son myself and request that he come to see his dad. Even if they don’t have much conversation, the physical presence is important.

You don't say if dad or son is doing the calling. Since son lives far away to be flying to visit. So if he is calling perhaps Dad feels he needs to call cause he thinks son should be saving his pennies.or he is angry at the son for some reason that noone knows the reason. If I were you I would call the son and tell him he needs to talk to his father 1.he is the only father he will ever have. 2. Be will regret he didn't talk to him before he died and soon it will be to late.3. it would be better if he could fly home to see his father one last time while alive. I went through the same except it was my husband And his skin gs. I was able to get them together one time before h red passed they traved from Texas to Indiana.there were no regrets. Hope there are no regrets in your family.