Dying Mom is in ICU. I am overwhelmed with guilt, that is self-afflicted. Need some opinions.

My mother just passed and it's almost the exact same story. I feel so guilty for sending her back to the nursing home alone. She had a DNR and passed the next day. I feel like I killed her but I know I didn't. She was not lucid and wouldn't eat or drink for anyone but me and then only a little bit. The nurses made me feel horrible because I couldn't see my mother like that. Not to mention the required face mask and gown nearly suffocated me.
Your mother is already where she wants to be and it isn't here. Its ok to not be there. She knows what you are going thru and wouldn't want that for you. Would she?
Try to see from her eyes as if they are clear. She wouldn't want this for you.
It's just like God, He loves us and would never want us to suffer in any way because we thought he wouldn't forgive us or understand. He would and so will she. I'm trying to deal with this myself and I keep searching for answers but in the end, know she loves you and she is already where she wants to be. My mother was too. I have a brother that was and is no help at all. He never went to see her after she left the house to the nursing home. I was also the sole caregiver for 5-6 years without help of any kind. So I am in the same place but my mother has already left. Just know she will be going to a place more beautiful than we will ever know until we go ourselves. And she will be pain-free and happy there. Believe it. Don't beat yourself up. It is difficult, I know. I feel the same way but I know she is out of pain and that helps me a lot.

Just saw the update -my condolences on your loss. Take comfort in that you did everything you could for her and she is at peace now and with loved ones.

(((((((hugs)))))let the guilt go. You are doing nothing wrong and have done so many things right. You have seen that your mum has the best care for her conditions. Much caregiver's guilt is totally unwarranted. I wasn't there when my mum passed though I was there the day before. Give yourself a break. Some people wait until they are alone to pass. Its OK to stay away if you are finding it too hard to be there.

You have done your share with your parents. There are no rules about how many times a child should visit a dying parent. Particularly, since your visits have no impact in her treatment. You're not being neglectful at all. Stop feeling guilty.

UPDATE FROM ORIGINAL POSTER - thank you all for your heartfelt responses, I enjoyed reading them and appreciated every one of them. My Mom passed peacefully on December 3rd after being admitted to hospice after 2 days in the ICU. I met with and prayed with the hospice chaplain after we spoke about all the things I mentioned in my post. Her take on it was that was most likely grieving this for quite some time and it became a relief for me when she finally passed. I certainly agree with the assessment. I did everything I promised my Mom I would do, from having a Catholic Priest give her the last rites to having her final resting place next to my Dad. Thank you all for your support, it was most appreciated. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

If you’ve done everything possible to make your mother’s life easier and you’re stressing about not seeing her based on anxiety, IMO, no, don’t see her. I know you’ve heard of self care.

Now is the time to practice it. I agree that it’s really hard to not be there that moment, but I believe the people she she’s are there for her so she won’t be alone. But if that doesn’t lessen your concerns, it’s a tall order but maybe your wife could make an excuse for you. Or, go see her and tell her you might not be able to be present when she transitions but you’re always with her, or whatever it is you need to say.

I also believe that those who have passed before us know what’s going on with their loved ones while they are with Spirit (NDE).

Dont live or do things out of obligation alone, your stress won’t go away. Forgive yourself if you feel you need to, pray, and give yourself many breaks.

Wishing you healing.

DearSauceBoss: Imho, you are a wonderful son, while also a mortal being. As such, try not to hold onto anxiety, which I do know is easier said than done. You should spend as much time with your mother as is physically and emotionally possible for you - and her. Prayers sent.

Your honesty and vulnerability is impressive. Think about what mom would want. I know that my mom will appreciate me just sitting with her and holding her hand as she prepares to move on from this world to a better place when is is called to be with the Lord. You will look back fondly on this time and the strength you had to overcome your fear and provide the gift of love and support to your mom. God Bless you and give you the strength to weather this difficult time

These times are especially difficult. I’m sorry you’re going through these hard times.

If I could give you any advice it would be a gentle word of warning. However guilty you feel now for staying away, it is nothing to how guilty you may feel later on after she has died. It’s unpleasant and heartbreaking as all death is, and makes us uncomfortable, but go and say goodbye. You’ll never get another chance.

Oftentimes people are taken aback once their loved one has died just how final it is. Of course it is, we all know it is, but it feels different when you’re in the thick of it.

If you can make peace with it and stay away, then stay away. If you think your future regrets may be larger than your current ones, then go and say goodbye.

Take care.

If it were me, I would see the hospital chaplain and explain how I was feeling. I'm thinking that person can give you some solid guidance on what you are feeling and how to handle it.

Big giant Hugs 🤗 for you . She isn’t alone - she is being cared for by nurses . We all need a break and the ending can be the hardest because you don’t want to let go . My brother would sleep a lot - I spent a lot of time watching him sleep 😴 After hospice administered morphine I went in to his room to move him back up on his pillow and he said “ It hurts .” Fell back to sleep . I went home and went in my bed at 2:30 pm and dreamt he was ready to go - he said “ I am ready to leave now “ I woke up and the nurse said “ His breathing is shallow “ and a couple hours later he had passed . He had a room mate who told me “ he asked for water in the morning but his passing was very peaceful.” We do what we can and then we are exhausted and overwhelmed - that was one of the hardest things I had to do in my life but I don’t regret it . Your doing a terrific job .

Mental preparation for a LO's death is complicated, and at times even frightening, worrying about the future and a life without your LO.

We can plan in advance for our LOs passing, the paper work, the funeral, the cemetery arrangements. It's just a check list. But how do we overcome the emotions that always overwhelms us? Guilt ( and you're right, it is self imposed, but it's not wrong, it just is), grief, and the anticipation of her death, regrets of all kinds, worrying you won't be there, remorse, even anger, are all natural feelings we experience. (How many more did I miss). You just can't check off grief, guilt, or any of your emotions. These emotions are uninvited and unpreventable. But they all validate your love and concern for your mom. Without love, there's no grief. There is no one way we're supposed to feel.

You may not be there when she dies, that's beyond your control, unless you can be with her 24/7/365, which you can't. My wife was in a coma 14 days before she died. I got called at 3 AM by the hospice nurse because she thought my wife would die any moment. I spent 13 hours at her side before leaving. She didn't die, in fact, her breathing had improved.

During her coma, I tried to coax her into moving on. As Polarbear states, I, too, was told hearing is the last sense to go. So I told my wife that the Lord was waiting for her. I also told her that her dad, a German immigrant who loved cigars, had a “special” cigar he was waiting to light up to celebrate their reunion. It didn't help. My wife died without me at 10:25AM while I was at church that Sunday morning.

So you may not be there at the moment of death, so make the best of your time when you can. Speak to her, hold her hand, reminisce.

Many of us kno& understand what yard feeling & going through.
How ever, I don't agree with some of the advice.
Not to say that this happens with every person, but my Grandpa didn't even recognize my Mom who spent everyday all day with him
I had given him a card with a photo of all 6 great grandkids.
My Mom & Aunt were just talking to him as if there was nothing wrong just as they had their entire life
They had the photo & were telling him the names of the kids pointing at each one, he had Alzheimer's for about 2 years & hardly spoke.
He looked at the photo & said something about each child.
He said "that's David & pointed to my son saying he's a good boy"
& then passed away 20 minutes later.
So you see you may think she's not there but there's not always tge case
I believe they can hear you but that's my belief
You have to do what's best for you.
YOU choose how to remember them
Years later when my Mom died I was with her.
Shw was nothing like her normal self but that is not how I remember her.
I hope this helps

I think it’s normal to feel extra pressure and anxiety. It is your body preparing for what is coming. Your body is alerting you to protect yourself. It’s a similarly reaction to other situations of fear/uncertainty. It’s also your body’s reaction to processing your own passing.

When my dad was passing, the nurses had his anticipated time of death down to a three hour window. With that information, we were able to be there for the passing. It’s likely that the ICU will be able to the same within a day. So if you need to take a day for yourself, then take a day off. They staff will tell you it’s the very end. If the staff says, this is it, then I recommend pushing through and enduring until they require you to leave.

You have to ask yourself what will hurt you more - being there or not being there? If you can bear it, I would say go, hold her hand, and give her permission to be in heaven with her family. From what you're saying, her time is surely near, and most likely the hospital will call you to be there in her last moments anyway.

You have to ask yourself what will hurt you more - being there or not being there? If you can bear it, I would say go, hold her hand, and give her permission to be in heaven with her family. From what you're saying, her time is surely near, and most likely the hospital will call you to be there in her last moments anyway. I commend your love and dedication.

I have felt the same way. A growing dread before it’s time to leave to go to visit my mom in memory care. A reluctance. The thought that I really want to be doing something else instead of negotiating her needs and the staffs’ capabilities. Endless second guessing on my part. It is the “guilt”: damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Part of preparing yourself for the next stage of your life, IMHO. Letting go is a painful indecisive process.

Do as much as you feel able. If you are going to feel guilt for the rest of your life then go. Visit for the last few days or months but do it in a thinking way. Make the visits relatively short. Tell you you love her and you will be back tomorrow - that sort of thing. Short quality visits. It isn't surprising you feel like this and there is really no need for guilt. She seems to be coping quite well with the last bit.
Good luck.

Stick with it. It probably will not be long. You will feel good about yourself!

There is nothing you can do for her that will mean anything to her. Her memory and illnesses mean she has gone backwards from you and only old people and situations really remain in her mind. This is very sad for you and you will grieve for what she was and what you have lost. Don’t feel guilty about not visiting but change your emphasis. You are now visiting for satisfaction of what you need not mom, if you would wish you had seen her one last time then go visit. If you feel she has gone already and you won’t regret not going then don’t. The time has come for your needs to be top of the list, you are the one who has them not mom. Look after yourself.

The entire measure of a life is NOT made up of the last few months, or weeks of a person's life. Thank goodness!

I had a wonderful dad. As he was actively dying from Parkinson's, I know many of the times I went to be with him, he was 'someplace else' and didn't register my presence. If he spoke, he spoke of people from the other side who were coming for him. He was peaceful. I had NO issues that needed 'dealing with' before he passed.

There was zero guilt, because none of us had done him harm. He was lovingly cared for and we lovingly 'let him go'.

If you cannot handle seeing mom like this, either make phone calls as on poster said--or keep your visits very short.

Right before my grandma (aged 96 (?) died, she commented that she had more 'friends' on the other side than she had on earth and WHY couldn't she just DIE already? A widow of 37 years, she was aching to be with granddad. Her passing was sad, of course, but so, so joyous on the 'better side'.

She’s not alone..she has a whole team taking care of her. & don’t feel guilty!!!
I made mistake of taking my mother out of hospital too soon. They did numerous tests & only came up with “worsening dementia!” & that I should increase the Seroquel. Well, she has these all day scream 😱 fests that are happening on a regular basis. Her screaming 😱 fire 🔥 & accusing me of setting fires 🔥. She will not take any food, drink or meds from this “fire bug” It gets so that I’m starting to believe I’m a mentally ill fire bug!! It’s called “mind control “ & she is succeeding. She believes I burned 2 houses down. I practically have given up control to her. As a matter of fact, I believe I practically have to set house on fire to stop her from torturing me! This past Tues when she started in with the fire business & was trying to escape the bed, I called ambulance & told them she’s hallucinating. I asked them to find a place for her. However, the places that would take her were awful & one of them was in Brooklyn. I live in Queens. Another she was in before when she needed emergency surgery 5 years ago & it was terrible then! I noticed many mistakes with meds dosage & got her into another SNF ..for 10 months. But it was costing a fortune…so I took her home…4 years & 8 months ago …& dementia getting so much worse with these hallucinations.
So don’t feel guilty at all. I wish I had more courage & patience to keep my mother in hospital longer till a better place would accept her.

Oh & btw, my Dad died 29 years ago in ICU because he needed blood transfusions. My mother & I were with him & right after we left room, he passed.

Just tell her you love her…

Good luck & hugs 🤗

Don't be too hard on yourself. You do not need to be there all the time. Go when/if you want to. It's not so horrible for someone to die alone. It happens all the time. Again, don't be hard on yourself.

Thank you for sharing your feelings.

* Please know that many of us feel a sense of guilt when a loved one dies. The 'why didn't I do xxx or more xxx'

This is a very normal reaction to feel even though knowing it is normal and many people feel as you do may NOT support you to feel differently. We can all, in retrospect, consider what we could have and would like to have done differently after someone passes, or even before. We can't go back; we can forgive our self and free up that space with healing and good energy - to be present in the moment/now.

* Please consider that honoring your feelings without judgment is respecting yourself, with compassion and understanding, and a way to honor your mom. Separate out the feelings from the thoughts (judgments).

First, recognize that these are two separate entities / parts of you. This will provide some perspective/focus that will support you through a difficult time.

* You are not allowing or disallowing your anxiety to be any specific way. It is how it is (honor it however it presences itself to you, knowing you are going through something that needs and wants to release / come out. Be with it. Do not push it away, honor it by acknowledging it and it will change).

In response: NO ---
"Am I horrible for allowing my anxiety to let me feel like this? I don't want her to be alone in her last moments, but I don't even know if she knows I am there. Also, somehow I don't think in her mind she's alone."

* If your mom feels she isn't alone, all the better. She may be in a transitional state of mind (due to drugs and dementia). She will find comfort 'knowing' in her mind that she isn't alone. Be grateful she feels this way.

* She may not know 'in this plane of existence' that you are there although I believe she knows through energy and the atoms in the air that you are there, even if consciously she doesn't know. Most information transmitted is non-verbal.

* You have been there for seven years. Reframe your thoughts about your experience, commitment, time, caring;

- Consider / reframe the emotional / psychological and other ways of how you have extended your SELF - the essence of who you are- to her.

* It is time for you to be at peace within yourself. Whether you are religious and ask God for support or a Buddhist and sit and meditate (on your breath) or reflect on the 'good times' with your mom, imagine yourself 'floating on your red carpet of anxiety' and let it take you where it needs to go. Know that the red carpet is a soft cashmere, or if you mom knitted or crocheted, see it as something special she made for you.

* I send you a hug

* Know you can - and only you can - release the "pressure that is mounting" as you say. Simply let it go. By saying and focusing on releasing it, it will transform as this is your intention. This will allow you the space for peace and comfort.

*** And thanks and prays to your partner - how fortunate you are.

In the light, Gena

Since your mom has so many chronic health conditions, please be aware and any of them and most likely of combination of her health issues will make her less lucid, more tired, and extremely confused. In some way, she knows when a person is present and can probably identify you on some level - even if she can not give the proper name to the relationship. You are not responsible for her decline. Her body is wearing out in several body systems.

Please try to figure out what you are anxious about. Is it the deterioration of her condition? She will get to a point of "sleeping" most of the time and she will probably retain fluids since her kidneys and heart do not work well. Is it how she will pass? She will most likely have increasingly shallower breathing and be very sleepy and even impossible to rouse. Most likely she will pass quietly. Is it knowing she will be gone? Please contact a leader/pastor of your faith community to help you through this. Many people find that joining a grief support group is helpful for about a year. The members are either experiencing grief or have already journeyed through grief. Sometimes a counsellor leads the group. Is it the "what comes next"? The hospital staff and social services department staff can advise you on next steps once your mom has passed.

In the meantime, try to make short visits daily. Let her know you care. Let her know that everything is taken care of. Let her know it is OK to let go and to leave. As an RN, every patient seems to know the best way to leave. Some wait until all family have come to say good bye. Some prefer to have everybody around them while others wait until everybody is out of the room. Many may need a spiritual leader performing whatever last rites are important to the patient. Usually, people die peacefully.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I was with my dad during his final week and can definitely say that dying is very much a solo journey. I was too emotional to say much, and that was okay, we both knew the love and care we had for each other. I’m sure your mom knows your love and care also. Being there for the last moment is to me highly overrated, despite being told the familiar “hearing is the last to go” my dad was completely checked out his last day and showed no indication of hearing much less responding. His kind hospice nurse told me he was really already gone and just waiting for his body to catch up. You’ve been an excellent caregiver and friend to your mom, now care for you. I wish you both peace

SauceBoss - from what a Hospice nurse told me, hearing is the last sense to go. Even for those that seem unconscious, they may still hear what you say. Perhaps, you want to come and tell her what you want/need to tell before she passes.

I don't know if you believe in the after life. If you do, then be comforted by what your mom told you that her late relatives were there to help her cross over. This is a temporary good-bye. You will see your mother again.

I think you need Hospice to help you with this. Her doctor can order it and they act quickly. They will help her and you.

Your mother is not alone; she's surrounded by her mother and other loved ones who have already passed & who are filling her with peace & love right now, awaiting her arrival. She's told you that, so believe it! Plus, you know she's not lucid, so you going to visit her isn't for HER sake, but for yours. What a visit will leave you with is a last memory of her in THIS condition. So, only you know what the 'right' thing to do is, meaning, how will YOU fare if you decide to go for a visit vs. if you decide not to? Once she passes, will you be filled with remorse for not going? If so, then GO, even if it hurts you to see her in such condition. But, if you know in your heart that she's not alone, is being tended to by the hospital staff and won't even realize your presence there, then don't. But be okay with whatever decision you make. Of course you're not a 'horrible person' whatever you decide to do. No son who's cared for his mother for 7 years is 'horrible', no matter HOW you cut the mustard!

My SIL just passed on Friday and we couldn't go see her b/c she had Covid and was on a ventilator. My DH (her brother) is immunocompromised & awaiting a liver transplant, so neither of us are in any position to suit up and go into such an environment. And, even if we were, I'm not sure we were emotionally equipped to see her in such condition. So the chaplain called us on the phone so we could say our goodbyes to her; he held the phone up to her ear and we each had a turn to say our final farewells. We are at peace with that choice. Perhaps you can speak with your mom on the phone rather than go into the ICU for a visit, or the nurse can arrange a zoom call? I don't know, that's up to you of course.

However this turns out, I am sorry you are going through such a thing. Please don't be hard on yourself right now b/c you don't deserve any added stress. Remember your mom in happy times and cling to that memory. Wishing you peace and acceptance with what lies ahead. Sending you a hug and a prayer.

I honestly think from the beauty and honesty of all you write to us you already know that your Mom is passing from this world to another. In my experience as a nurse the new word she is going to becomes the preferred world and those here trying to make her stay with them, respond to them, are more a burden than anything else to the transition she is making. It is very common for those passing to "see" and communicate with those who have already passed, and while, in my entire career as an RN I never saw a patient have a near death experience, I always saw them respond to those they "saw" who had already passed. I believe they long to go to what they see as peace and relief of the struggles this life has become for them. You have done all you can for your Mom. Your presence may comfort her and it may not; it may make her struggle to stay with you. I do believe, as I said, that you already have the answers you need. To be anxious as you lose the person who you have been thus attached to over 7 years is normal. Please allow yourself all the feelings, and allow yourself to recognize the beauty of a life long lived, and love well repaid to your Mom. We all grieve in different ways. We struggle with "guilt" when the more proper word is "grief". We question ourselves in order to suggest that there is something we might have done to keep the person, some way not to have to go into this final loss. Take your time and trust the process. I wish you the best. Social Workers can suggest to you a Licensed Social Worker who practices helping with life transitions and the grief process; they are often wonderful. I hope you have hospice which is such a comfort to the dying and to their families. Love out to you.

In her mind it sounds like she knows she is not alone. She is recognizing loved ones that have passed before her. It is ok for you to not want to see her in ICU. What are your thoughts on moving her to hospice? Would it be easier for you to see her in a more comforting location?

Why ICU in the first place?