How can I help my sister-in-law realize that her dying Mom is holding her as an emotional hostage?

And yes, Pam is right, it's called co-dependence. At some point, your brother needs to get her to a psychiatrist. A mental health counselor or social worker would be good for talk therapy, but she's almost certainly clinically depressed and in need of meds.

I just want to add that when my dad was actively dying of chronic leukemia, my mom, by then in her 70s, kept up her 'one course at a time" March towards her BS degree. She told me that it was the only thing that kept her sane, that Daddy would complain endlessly about how awful it was that she was leaving (for 4 hours!). I learned a very important lesson from her in that example.

Look up CO-DEPENDENT. That's what is happening here.

Most assisted living facilities and nursing homes have social workers. It would be a good idea for your sister to have an honest conversation with one of these counselors and then have a meeting including Mom. SIL's first responsibility is to take care of herself so she can care for her own family. Her Mother is being unreasonable and boundaries need to be set for everyone's wellbeing.

I have a feeling Mom has a long history of laying on the guilt and needing more attention than necessary. Very unhealthy situation for all involved. SIL should get a schedule of those willing to help and let Mom know others care about her and will be there to do what is needed. "Mom, I have to take care of myself and my family. I cannot do it all." Mom will adjust and SIL and her family will be happier. Good luck!

How old is mil? What stage lung cancer? Has it metastasized? How long ago was dx? How many opinions has she gotten? Has she always been this narcissistic ? Sorry to be intrusive, but there are a lot of different factors in play here.

Not much more to add to above. Being an emotional hostage is very real and difficult to overcome.

Suggest to SIL that she join or sit in on a support group for caregivers. The AL probably has one, or her church or the local senior center might suggest one. Also if she can visit this site, she might not feel so alone in this and will learn its okay and healthy to set boundaries and say no.

Would she be open to her husband saying something to mom?

It's very hard, but only she can set boundaries and limit visits and ignore constant phone calls. I had to do so, and my situation did improve. One thing I did was shut the phone off at 8pm in the evening. Friends, children, police have my husbands number to call if there is an emergency or they want to get ahold of me.

It allowed me to rest and have some worry free hours each day. Eventually mom stopped the evening calls. Now she rarely calls at all because she doesn't want to have to talk to my husband.

SIL can visit on set days and limit to an hr or so. I know it must be hard and not sure how close she is with mom, but mom has to adjust and understand that her daughter has other family members to care for to and HERSELF and that there are others that mom needs to rely on as well. It won't happen if SIL doesn't help her mom to rely on others.

i finally had the conversation with my mom...telling her I loved her, but couldn't be her everything and it wasn't fair to me or my family when she only wanted and only would accept my help.

Thank you to both of you. This situation has been difficult because every doctor says something different. She got diagnosed last September with lung cancer. Some docs said she had weeks to live and others said three months and now they are saying 6 months to a year. The problem is that hospice won't come in until the patient accepts they are dying and one day the mother want chemo and wants to live and the next day she wants hospice and is prepared to die. She keeps going back and forth between hospice and chemo but she can't have both because one is a fight to live and the other is accepting to die. My brother is doing all he can to be supportive but I can hear the stress and exhaustion in his voice. From what my brother tells me is that the mother won't let anyone else except Amy care for her and demands so much from Amy around the clock that the other areas of her life are suffering. I just feel like Amy is being held emotionally hostage and manipulated by guilt and if I could find any materials out there supporting this theory and show them to her, that if it comes from someone other than me then maybe she would listen but when I google emotional blackmail it just brings up information on mental abuse and when I google caregiver guilt it just brings up stress relief tactics. I mainly want her to see that she should set boundaries with her mom and not let herself be controlled by the thought that her mom could die at any moment because this could go on for the next year and her kids and her own needs are being neglected. Is this unreasonable? There are plenty of people willing to care for her mom including all the staff at the assisted living home and Amy's whole family but the mother insists that she will only let Amy take care of her. Should I not try to convince her to set limits and just focus more on supporting her and my brother?

You know, it's hard to get other people to change their behavior, especially when it is ingrained. Hospice is a great suggestion, because the hospice workers, nurses and social workers probably have more experience dealing with situations like this and can give good solid advice to your SIL. The question is, will she listen?

The other question is, is the mother really in imminent danger of dying, or is she just very ill? I wonder if your brother arranged a couple of days' vacation at a not too distant resort hotel or something of that during the next school break, if she would see the value to getting away for just a bit and leaving mom to outside caregivers?

You might point out to your SIL (or have your brother do this) that she's not going to be any good to anyone if she gets sick from the stress of doing this by herself. People who need 24/7 care need three shifts of caregivers. Ultimately, your SIL is being quite selfish.

SIL is being held as an emotional hostage.

Is her mother on hospice? We are all, after all, dying. MIL is dying more actively and presumably sooner rather than later. How soon is that expected to be? Is she on Hospice? If she is not eligible for hospice care, then I don't think the "might die any minute" is particularly valid. Any of her children or her husband or she herself "might die any minute." That is the uncertain nature of human life. It is not something we can allow to drive all of our decisions.

But, how to convince SIL of this? That is the issue, isn't it? And I am not sure logic is going to be very effective. Maybe instead of trying to get SIL to give up her hostage status, it would work better to convince her that her children need her, and that her husband needs her. I hate to suggest you press a different guilt button. But the fact is that the time she is neglecting her children now is time she will never get back. I hope your brother is a compassionate and patient man, but this situation can wear at their relationship.

If MIL is on hospice and may literally die any minute of her cancer, and is expected to have at most a few months to live, then maybe everyone being as supportive as they can of SIL and not trying to change her would work.

This is very difficult, isn't it? Please let us know what (if anything) you try, how it works, and how this situation unfolds. We learn from each other.