How can I help my sister-in-law realize that her dying Mom is holding her as an emotional hostage?

Thank you all for your advice. I have been letting my brother just talk about his issues and concerns to me. I just worry about him and his family. It has been hard on them and Amy is going through a lot. I feel bad for her and I don't want the stress to crack her. I will try to get my brother to maybe have a care person talk to them. I have gotten lots of different advice on here. It is all good and a lot to consider.

I will talk to my brother to see who can come in and talk to them. That is a great idea. It has been tough for them, that is for sure. I just feel so bad but I have to be careful not to stick my nose in too much. I just want to be able to point my brother in the right direction. Thank you so much.

If m-I-l is in assisted living then she should receive care such as bathing, changing her clothes, etc. Amy can assist as needed when she visits. M-I-L may be afraid as she knows she is dying and wants that connection with family. It is a difficult situation, Amy needs to reassure her that she will be back to visit, then do so. She needs to set limits as she is working and has a family. Amy can talk to m-I-l about family & their lives if she wants, it may help keep m-I-l in the loop with family. Maybe she feels left out in the assisted living facility.

I'm wondering if the cancer hasn't metastasized to her brain, causing these changes. Is she on meds for anxiety?

Jocelyne wrote " SIL needs to be told she is selfishly escaping her responsibilities to her own family for the sake of someone who CAN get help from others but is too selfish to let them"

What is this 1952? How about the husband(you know men can feed kids and put them to bed) quit whining and being so selfish. Her mother is dying.

Your "escaping responsibility" comments make it sound like she went off to Las Vegas, not dealing with a dying mother.

While it is a good idea to get the AL more involved, the husband sounds like a whiner.

And if the OP doesn't live too far or could get to the location, offer to come visit and help out.

I realize you're concerned for your brother's family but if this is a recent development in your SIL's mom's life, then I think you can safely attribute it to her being recently given, basically, a short life sentence. You say she recently moved into an Assisted Living Facility so she probably has a Social Worker or Care person assigned overseeing the situation. However, you also say you live a state away and it's possible you might not have the full picture of what's going on. Yes, your brother probably IS stressed out AND tired BUT if the shoe were on the other foot, do you really think his wife would be complaining that your parent was was asking for all of HIS attention and putting all of THEIR demands on him? Or would she quietly go about the task of taking care of things so he could spend as much time as possible with your parents? My 2¢: he's an adult, if he's not asking for help and you hear stress, then probably that's because he IS stressed. My suggestion: offer an ear so he can vent, if the kids will be on vacation maybe offer them a chance to come visit you, or even go stay with them if you can get away so you can babysit and do some housekeeping so he can take care of his wife for a while. I'm a lupus patient who lived with a younger son. MY DIL thought I was a cash cow. Was getting paid to take care of me but didn't. My son was working 13 hour days so she could stay home with their kids and thought she was just messy. DIDN'T know she spent her days watching tv, eating candy, neglecting kids and me. I also paid rent. I know abt emotional abuse AND abt being told one has x months to live. I've lived thru ALL of that in my 27 yrs with this disease. One learns how one reacts to all sorts of situations, and it isn't always honorable or pretty. Her mom is probably terrified, grief-stricken and clinging to the only person she feels safe with right now. Much like a child with severe separation anxiety. It's a process and some talk therapy would help, but I'm pretty sure they know that there. Have some faith and patience, and be there for your brother, even of it's a phone call every other evening. Better yet, Skype him and the kids! Good luck.

Yes, maybe one of his in laws can reach your SIL!

sorry, I didn't edit very well "no one" not "know one"

Perhaps brother talking to in laws and asking for their help for his family is a good idea since they are all aware of what is going on. That would free amy up to take care of her mom. Amy's mom is dying, afraid and in a new environment and amy is her "go to" daughter.

This is a tough call because this is not normally how MIL acts,. So that makes me question my earlier advice. I think that I've been on this site for so many hours over several days and have been so focused on emotional blackmail that I may have reacted more than responded. I wish that I knew more about what went on in her childhood that might explain this, but we don't have the time or opportunity for that. For some reason, she can't detach and her mom is all focused on her and does not want her to detach although there are others around.

Your SIL can't keep up her current pace up for much longer and it sounds like know one really has an idea when mom might die.

Whatever it is, it is some kind of emotional dance. I not sure we need a label as much as SIL somehow needs to see the need for detachment which in the heat of this crisis is going to be very hard for her to hear.

Is there a social worker there at the assisted living place that can have a family care meeting with your brother and SIL present to explain some need to detach in light of the whole situation and how much she is burning herself out. Maybe she would hear this better from a professional like a social worker who for sure has seen this kind of thing before. Maybe your brother can talk with the social worker himself and get their input and see if a family meeting might be a good approach or what would be a good approach. Those suggestions I think you could give to your brother. Does your brother have some friends that he can reach out to for giving him some practical, hands on help with the children and other things that need doing? If there is not a social worker at the assisted living place, then maybe a friend could watch the children while he sees a family counselor for some professional help for this particular situation.

I do think balance needs to be restored and I think that your brother someone needs to bring a profession into this either directly at the assisted living or directly with him. Does all of this make sense?

Cmangum, so you think because this is not normally how she acts that it is not emotional blackmail? Do you now think it is just more of the mom being afraid and clinging to Amy? Why won't she let other people take care of her? Amy's siblings are happy to help out and so are plenty of other people. It's just baffling. Some of the people are probably right that I should just stay out if it. I just feel so bad for Amy and my brother and the kids. I feel bad for the mom too, of course.

NeedsHelp74,

On second thought, I am not sure that the information from my thread would help. I've thought more about this and this does appear to be a unique situation and not something characteristics of her mom. I'm sorry that I jumped the gun with my advice.

Hi Everyone, Thank you all so much. The thoughts I have read on here have been so helpful and insightful. I would help out and take care of the kids but I live a state away. I wish I was there to help. My brother is being very supportive of her. It's just that he and I are so close, I can tell it's taking a toll on him. This is very uncharacteristic of her mom. She has never acted like this before and she and Amy have always been very close. Cmagnum, thanks for the great website. I will send some of that info to my brother. I am not planning to approach Amy on any of this, just my brother with ways he can help Amy, her mom and his kids and himself. These are all great ideas and suggestions and very helpful. Thank you all so much for caring and taking the time to write.

Depends on how sick mom is. Older people are like children. They trust one person. Sometimes they are afraid. I had my mom in my home for 3 yrs. I experienced all the emotions, Now I wish I had been kinder and more loving. What I took as anger I now realize was pride and fear. I wished I had held her more and smooth her fears. We had always gotten along. Now she is gone. And my life goes on. I have plenty of time for those other things

No one should throw a hissy fit when someone else's parent is dying. It's just unhelpful.

OP, I think your brother sounds like a jerk. He is being put upon to take on some of the "mom duties" and he doesn't like it. Isn't that just too bad.

While your SIL needs some help and the poster who suggested contacting the social worker at the AL is a good idea.

But for your brother to say about someone who is dying "they're just feeling sorry for themselves"....well it that isn't a situation to feel sorry for yourself, I don't know what is. That comment speaks volumes about him. Poor guy he has to "woman's work" and he doesn't like it.

Part of married life is having to take on an extra load when needed, sounds like your brother resents having to make dinner and get the kids to bed, it is annoying to him.

And quite frankly, this isn't your business. It's between the married couple.

Suggest to your brother someone at the AL talk to your SIL and than back out of this.

Just wanted to add one more thing. When I was in a "caregiving crisis" people would do things to "help" me, things they chose. Would have been much more helpful to ASK me what I needed.

littletonway said it all. SIL needs to be told she is selfishly escaping her responsibilities to her own family for the sake of someone who CAN get help from others but is too selfish to let them. It is cut and dried, and...... it doesn't matter when MIL dies, SIL is still doing too much. Someone needs to step in and throw a hissy fit.

I think amy and her moms behavior are both understandable under the circumstances. Mom is dying and just moved to a nursing home. Rather then trying to fix amy how about doing everything you can to help amy, brother and children. As suggested helping with daily household chores , food shopping, taking kids to activities, hiring a high school student for kids care, would take a great weight off Amy's shoulders at this time. Then and only then would i try and address her mental status. It may not be as easy for Amy to back away from her moms needs right now. Good possibility all will settle down with mom when she becomes adjusted to her new living arrangements.
When my kids were little and I was caring for grandmother on hospuce and mom with breast cancer, telling me what I should do was not helpful. Taking my kids to lunch with Santa for me, sending me over a dinner, doing some shopping for me, buying grammom new nightgowns, this is what meant the most to me and allowed me time to sort things out and make some priorities

I want to help you with this--as I was that member of the family that mom was very dependent on. I neglected my partner and my work suffered. But I really wanted to assist my mom. She was a good mom. Sometimes we have to be there for someone no matter what. It's written in the stars for that time. Well, three years went by. Mom's dementia got worse. I then knew I couldn't do it alone. I introduced a "friend" of mine ( a caregiver). We had lunch together a few times. Then that friend started to visit by herself. Mom latched on to her. So I guess what I am trying to say is it probably won't last forever, the change is gradual and everyone needs to have patience (and a little cleverness!) I still visit mom (she has moved to a facility) but I know there are a couple of people that love her as much as I do. Don't believe that your sister-in-law doesn't feel guilt about her own family. She is doing triage--helping the most needy first.

I would add that your brother ought to insist that he and Amy go to the social worker TOGETHER. And while Amy and her husband are talking to the social worker, someone else should be babysitting the children at home. This married couple needs to work this out TOGETHER for the sake of their marriage and for their children. Amy and her husband need to talk about the problem and develop a plan for her mother TOGETHER. After Amy and her husband have determined what is best for their family, then the DECISION can be communicated to Amy's mom by Amy, her husband, a social worker, and someone with even more authority like the charge nurse. Bravo on you for being so thoughtful and caring toward your SIL. Good luck!

One of the hardest lessons in life is that WE HAVE NO CONTROL OVER OTHER PEOPLE'S THOUGHTS, FEELING, AND ACTIONS. If your SIL wanted help, she would be on this site asking and receiving help. She would be talking to a counselor.

But, instead, you are on the site. You are looking for help. You need help, too. Here is the hard part: you have to fold your hands,close your mouth, and let her do what she is going to do. It is her head, her heart, her conscience, her mindfulness (or lack of it). She will learn a lot from this and, just maybe, she will talk about it with you someday.

Jeanne, I agree with you. In this instance I don't think a battle for self assertion is needed. What I see is a family in crisis and a MIL who is dying soon. I personally would be very reluctant to tinker with this situation. Instead I would offer all the support that I could to ease the burden on SIL and brother. The idea of cooking some meals or taking the kids somewhere enjoyable sounds like very good ideas to me. I would listen to vents and offer support. I would let the husband and wife deal with limits at the present time. Perhaps the marriage needs support so they can pull through this thing together, instead of being torn apart. That may be an important role the rest of the family can play.

I don't think the question of "how long" will Amy put up with this is the most important question in this case. Amy's mother is definitely dying. Maybe not tomorrow, but within the year ... and very possibly much sooner. The behavior will be self-limiting.

And I personally don't find it so hard to understand that someone facing her own death would behave in ways uncharacteristic of her in the past. I think I might ratchet my selfishness ratio up a notch or two. (I hope not, but I wouldn't guarantee it.)

If this really is a drastic change in behavior, I don't think we have to worry about FOG and co-dependency and any other kind of dysfunctional relationships. I think it is more a matter of getting through an extremely stressful and challenging time with the least damage possible.

Something does not add up. Why, if she was never manipulative or selfish before, does she act as if she feels so much fear when her favorite caregiver steps out? Can she explain it? (Have you just asked flat out why she is doing that?) Extreme fear and loss of brain power to take others' perspective are things that can explain irrational and cruel behavior like that.

Would a third party, like a hospice social worker (who could be called in to make an assessment, expalin services that could be available, even if she is not "ready" for that) possibly be able to interpret what is going on and help?

NeedsHelp74,

Your SIL needs to either come here and read or you need to print her out a copy of a thread on "The Power of Emotional Blackmail"

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm?cpage=0&cm=440543#440543

Mainly look at the early post to Overwhelmed that describes this dynamic, its effects, who does such emotional blackmailing, how they do this, what are the origins of this, and why it is so victorious like it has been doing in your SIL's life.

Then focus on the post that begins with the sentence, "How it is defeated."

I'd have your brother come here and read this or give him a copy of it.

Her mother is only 67? Wow! How long is your SIL going to be willing to put up with this mental abuse of emotional blackmail. Does she realize that the longer she puts up with this the more she puts her relationship with her husband and children at risk. She's enmeshed with her mother and her mother is riding this for all she can get out of it. Your SIL needs some serious therapy, but she must first see that she's being abused through emotional blackmail, be willing to stop doing her part of complying with this mental/emotoinal dance, and then go get professional help to reach the goal of freedom.

Sorry to say this, but right now your brother's wife is more emotionally attached to her mom than she is to her husband or to their kids. It's sad, but not an unusual story to be read here on this site from time to time.

I hope you can send her a lifeline that she will grab and hold onto. I hope her husband can gain some insights into what is going on with his wife and MIL.

Both SIL and your brother need the same information about this emotional blackmail stuff. Its powerful, blinding F.O.G. (fear, obligation, and guilt) that sends people into auto pilot. It's quite engulfing, but it can be overcome. This F.O.G. is the path to the dark side of manipulation and it is easy to get lost in.

I hope and pray this all works out.

My husband was always a patient patient. When he was sick he went to bed and stayed there quietly as I checked on him once in a while for beverage needs and other comforts. Me? I'm a lousy patient. I moan and groan and display my anger that these stupid germs dared to attack me. While my husband was dying he was his usual patient and quiet self. Lord only knows how I'll be when I know the end is in sight. I have a feeling that I won't go gentle into that good night. If so, I hope those around me will give me attention and try to sooth me, but not let me take unreasonable advantage of them.

I am glad to hear that this behavior wasn't life-long co-dependency. I am sorry for how early in her life Amy's mother is facing this. I don't blame Amy for wanting to do anything she can for her mother at this point.

But I also hope, for Amy's sake, that she can be persuaded to limit herself to what is reasonable, that she can accept some support from a counselor, and that she can give up the super-hero cape that makes her think she can make Mother's dying a stress-free experience for Mom. None of us have that kind of power over death.

Bless you for trying to help.

Perhaps another way you could help would be to take your nieces/nephews out for a day or a weekend, so she and your brother have one less thing to think about for several hours. Maybe you could bring a home-cooked (or restaurant) meal to their home. Or offer do to the laundry each week for a while. Gift them with a housecleaning service for a couple of months. Amy is understandably stressed right now. Trying to convince her to change her interactions with her mother could be very helpful. But there are also other practical ways to lightened her load. Keep in mind this is temporary.

While Amy may feel guilty if her mom passes and she's said no to her, it's also likely she will need to work thru guilt later even if she says yes all the time. In spite of her best efforts, she may feel guilty that she didn't do enough and she'll have to work thru it. But the guilt she doesn't want later is looking back and feeling like she wasn't there for her husband or kids at a time they needed her.

67, oh how sad that is! If this is a drastic behavioral change, she really needs to be seen by a psychiatrist. There could be brain involvement, she could need antidepressant meds, and on and on. But severe behavioral changes should be reported to her doctors. "Looking for attention" is an easy out for a lot of docs. It's one thing if it's life long narcissism; it's another if it's a new symptom.

Thank you so much to all of you. I will google co-dependent this weekend. I couldn't put my finger on the word for what to google. It is good to have validated what I suspect is going on. Now, to just get through to her. I feel like if the info can come from somewhere else than me then she would consider it more seriously because right now I am pretty much a meddling and worried sis/sis-in-law.

Bablou, her mom is around 67. It has metastasized and there have been many doctors these past few months. My brother says she has never acted like this before and it is uncharacterstic of her. He is not sure why she is acting like this. One doctor said she is looking for attention. My brother thinks she wants people to feel sorry for her. She just got moved to assisted living the other day. My brother said that when Amy was gone, her mother would just lay there and moan nonstop super loud for hours (she was living with my bro and Amy). My brother said he did not know how to react to her moaning. He said the whole thing is really weird. I will google more as soon as I can. Thank you all so much!