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My mom is visually impaired, with a bunch of other health conditions.


I can't work a fulltime/day job bc she has drs appointments every week. Sometimes upward of 8 apps and some 1hr drive one way.


I'm not sure what to do, she refuses to have anyone but me as her caregiver.


I have been taking care of her from 17 to now 37 (20 years).


I mainly drive her to drs appointments, grocery, bank, deal with all finances. I have no life and she thinks I "get paid to do nothing" but won't get another caregiver to help.

You have allowed and enabled your mom to continue using you for her apparent obsession with going to the doctors multiple times a week, and only you can make it stop. I can't help but wonder why you've allowed this nonsense to go on for so long. No one should have to go to the doctor that much regardless of their health issues. And why aren't you just setting either virtual appts. or tele visits for her, as all doctors are now doing them since Covid?

You do realize that you are only hurting yourself and your future, by not working a fulltime job at your age. You will have no earnings when it comes time to apply for social security at retirement.
Something has to change and only you can change things. You do not owe your mother anything, especially your life or your future, and until you really understand that, things will remain the same. Your mother is being very selfish, and as long as she has you to use and abuse(yes, she's abusing you)why would she want to hire someone else to do what needs to be done, when she knows you will do it? If you were to say enough is enough, she would have no choice but to hire someone.
And if your mom requires that much medical attention, then she really needs to be placed in the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires.

It's time for you to get your life back, and quit being at her beck and call. This nonsense has gone on long enough, so put your big girl panties on and tell your mom, that you're done being her slave, and that she will have to find someone else to use, or move into a nursing facility.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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I your doctors are like ours you tend to get a phone call telling you "we've booked an appointment for Mrs Smith on X day". You need to get on the phone to re-book any necessary appointments for a day and time that works for you. And you seriously need to learn to just say no to multiple appointments that are merely meaningless chasing around in search of a different answer.
No mom, I can't take any more time off.
No mom, I'm not willing to drive over an hour away, you'll have to see someone local.

My mom was legally blind at age 75 and lived independently until she was in her 90's. I mostly visited weekly to help with her shopping, pick up her mail and pay her bills but when I couldn't be there I knew she'd be fine - she had a lifeline button for emergencies and home care once a week.
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Reply to cwillie
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I just read your latest update. Stop, just stop. You need to learn that you don't have to jump every time she calls, your time and your needs are just as valuable as hers. 🤗
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Reply to cwillie
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Dear Confused Ninja, if this all started when you were 17, you have been trained into the situation for all your adult life. Doing things differently must be as difficult as walking out of a convent – no home, no skills, and still caring so much about someone who is blind and deaf and… and… and…!

It must be really hard for you to look at things logically. Logic says that mother can ‘refuse to have anyone but me as her caregiver’, and that equally you can refuse to be the caregiver. That leaves mother to find someone else.

I don’t normally go much on the ‘talk to a therapist’ line, but I really do think that it’s appropriate for you. You have so much to sort out in your own life and where you go from here, as well as how to deal with mother’s demands. The doctor’s appointments are the tip of the iceberg.

Please get some help. Love, Margaret
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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ConfusedNinja Sep 24, 2021
Thank you for understanding and not judging me. This is the only life I know. Ive had a job since I was 11 and always treated as an adult.... im the only child/last family member she has and puts so much criticism on me. No one can relate bc they're situation is very different but I thank you so much for sharing such kind words i cried
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If you have never worked and paid into social secututy taxes, you will not be able to collect social security when you retire. You cannot live on the minimum without savings. You need to begin to catch up. What are your long term goals to find housing and save for retirement Do you plan to live in a homeless shelter.

You state she hit you? Theres a psychiatric isdue here. You need you call the police next time. She could be evaluated in the ER. You need to get out of the situation for your safety. Please do not say it was a minor thing. You are enabling the behavior
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Reply to MACinCT
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BurntCaregiver Sep 26, 2021
MACinCT,

Has there ever been a person whose plan was to live in a homeless shelter?
I'm sure ConfusedNinja and every other person alive in the United States knows you can't live on minimum wage.
No one needs to be told this and people in situations like hers already know. In fact they very likely wake nightly in a cold sweat having a panic attack because they know it.
You're not offering any advice that could possibly help the situation. What you are offering is condescending sarcasm and that doesn't help anything.
It can't exactly be said that ConfusedNinja is enabling her mother. Her not becoming homeless relies on the mother being humored and ConfusedNinja tolerating her abuse.
Say ConfusedNinja was a 37 year old unemployed, married woman who is dependent on her abusive husband. Scores of people want to help and will offer all kinds of resources. The law would be on her side too. She would be a victim of abuse and others would want to help her. The truth is no one really cares about a person like ConfusedNinja. All they're ever offered by way of help is being snidely told that they better start paying into social security or pick out a homeless shelter.
Is this really helpful advice? I think not.
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Hi! Just wondering, if your mom has been to both urgent care and the ER for visits for breathing, etc. and nothing is ever found, could it be that she is having psychosomatic symptoms. Yet, while these may be psychological in origin (not physiologic) she will still feel them as if "something were wrong" with the "afflicted" area. Because she can't see, she may having anxiety issues that are expressing themselves as physical issues. You might want her to see a psychologist or psychiatrist (yes, she'll put up a fight, they always do), but it's part of the stigma of mental healthcare. If her pancreas was the issues, she'd have no problem getting to a doctor, but just because the brain/mind is having an issue...nope. Anyway, at 37 you seriously need to get to work. I am guessing your mom is in her 60s or 70s. She could well live another 20-30 years, and then when she dies how do you live? You won't have social security or savings. She has to have another caregiver in addition to you. I understand a demanding parent--but really, you have to steel yourself for the argument. You must make a living now. It's really not an option for you not to work, believe me, I've had friends fall into that trap and now in their 60s, they are in dire financial straights and they don't have kids to take care of them. Please, please, take care of your mom but you have to take care of yourself.
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Reply to Tynagh
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No is a complete sentence.
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Reply to Frances73
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I used to get frustrated with dad when he would miss one of his (or mom’s) doctor’s appointments.

In retrospect, a large percentage of the appointments were completely unnecessary and although they “had” the time, these doctors appointments were a drain on their “golden years.” could be somewhat depressing and prevented them from having time to do the things they loved most.
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Reply to ACaringDaughter
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Cover99 Sep 25, 2021
It was not depressing for the doctors making bank
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Re: to ur reply to Garden Artist.

What you wrote means Mom may be a hypochondriac and you are paying the price. You need to put your foot down. All tests have been run, doctors say nothing is wrong. Tell her NO. I am not taking you. You are an adult not a child and deserve to be respected. She needs you more than you need her at this point of her life. If she insists u take her, tell her to get a cab. Take senior bussing. Let her be mad. Boundaries by Townsend and cloud is a very good read my daughter says.

Guilt is self imposed
No is one sentence
You are not responsible for someone's reaction to your No. (From the book Boundries)
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Figure out what would happen to her if you were to get hit by a bus and killed or disabled tomorrow. It absolutely could happen, and if there is no backup plan, she would be in a very bad situation. Once you figure that out, start to extricate yourself by implementing little by little that plan. This woman is your mother, not your vocation and purpose for living. Please, please think of what YOU want out of life. Soon enough you will be 50 and then 60 and then 70. Your life will go by, so live it so that you will know that you lived it. It would break my heart to think of my daughter (now 23) devoting the next 14 years to me.
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Reply to Maryjann
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