Dreading 4 hour trip with elderly mother...

I'm in a similar situation with a nonstop complainer who doesn't seem to ever even take a breath. And, while I think other advice here is great (don't go for various reasons), I realize sometimes you have to just suck it up.

If you DO go, take another person to help and/or distract her in the car if at all humanly possible. If you can't get a family member, hire someone. Bonus: there's a chance your mom will be on best behavior in front of someone she doesn't know well.

Fingers crossed for you! <3

Okay, I am choosing to laugh like lealonnie. As she says, sometimes we have to laugh! 92 and in the car for four hours? First thing I thought of was the bathroom stops! The four hour trip could easily turn into 8 hours! You may be doing a potty tour from here to there, the whole way at her age.

I fully realize older people have to go to the bathroom more. My husband at age 64 is starting to make more frequent bathroom trips. I get it. No matter where we go, we get out the car and I am a bazillion steps ahead of him because he stopped to use the bathroom.

Geeeez! Once I called a complete stranger ‘honey’ and started talking to him because I thought he was my husband behind me. The man was very sweet and started laughing and called me ‘sweetie’. It was embarrassing for me. I told my husband after he caught up to me to please tell me he was stopping off at the bathroom so I won’t talk to strangers thinking it’s him. Hahaha.

My mother has real anxiety about the bathroom. Even a five minute drive to the doctor’s office was a nightmare. The entire time she complained about needing to use the bathroom. She had just gone before leaving the house. She was wearing a pull-up. She would go straight to the bathroom. Sometimes she would go but other times she just sat there without actually going to the bathroom, saying that she thought she had to go. It was total panic for her. She is almost 94. I don’t know if I would do a four hour trip with a person in their 90’s. Good luck if you do and pack lots of diapers!

Reading billboards, yeah my dad did that. Didn’t bother me in the least. Some of the things my dad did was funny and I looked at it as free entertainment. You know, it’s funny because sometimes things don’t always go as we expect. My mom was the rock of the family. My dad felt the stress more. Then it flipped, daddy became a humble man who was a joy to be around and mom became neurotic. It’s interesting because I personally feel most people who are nice in their younger years stay sweet and mean, nasty people become horrific to be around.

I do feel for you and have enormous empathy for you. I was the primary caregiver for a long time in my home.

lealonnie1

Hi actually i am a son not a daughter. I dont usually cry. I have become very strong and hardened towards him in fact cold. This is due to the non existant relationship. Someone has to do it and with mum having passed away 7 years ago it all falls on me. I am getting carers in place so hopefully will have some respite. I have many things i could share with you about dad. Might make you laugh too. Fancy a chat?

GrandPad She can see and hear the service from her room


Other then that, laugh

Frances73, in thinking about your question more I realize I assumed your mom was a mean sort of complainer, but I know perfectly decent people can also get into a habit of a kind of Eeyore complaining, a non-stop woe-is-me type of thing. If this is your mom, I surely didn't intend to label her as "mean".

I still think the trip is ill-advised, however. Best to you and let us know what you decide and how it turns out!

Skype or facetime... I did this for a family event and it worked wonderfully. Just have someone on the other end to work with. Very simple... much more so than that kind of a hell trip:)

Lealonnie,

I would love to hang out with you! You are a bright spot on this forum.
You always make me giggle. Thanks.

Hi LeaLonnie1

I dont mind you laughing afterall laughter is important. Yes he is a nightmare but its not nightmare as in i accept it cos he is a nice appreciating person because he is not. We have a very tense relationship. I only do this because if i didn't no one else will.

Sounds awfully stressful for both of you. You could just say no. But maybe you can request someone going that they take photos for you and get an extra hand-out from the service? Make up a little remembrance album for her.

Why take the trip, does not make any sense, if she wanted to see him something would have been worked out while he was alive.

This is all about show, no reason to take her.

Just say No and get on with your life.

Dear Frances73,
just dont take the trip at all...it's ridiculous.
(In my lowly opinion).
Think about how great you'd feel if you just weren't going! It's not unreasonable or a sin, to just say 'not going'.

Linzy below brings up a really good point. This is just ASKING for a blood clot in someone this age. I would say, at this point that the doctor said "NO". And that's that. Hold some ceremony together at home with pictures if there are some. And Linzy is to be thanked. I always remember this advice with air travel, but I never thought of this. This isn't a wise trip for this reason alone. THANK YOU LINZY.

Hi there. I'm from London and not quite sure what Ambien is? Perhaps i could use some for my 83 year old father who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2013. I know exactly how you feel and honestly if you have not committed yourself to this 5 hour drive then why do it? You know your mother is difficult so my advice is just dont do it. I know you are thinking it's mean because she really wants to go to the memorial service but in all honesty i dont think its mean. I never have my father in the car with me. He just cant behave. He doesn't know how to put the seatbelt on, then he keeps asking me if i have changed my car and he wants to know how much i paid for it. One time it was a change of car and i thought well spotted his dementia cant be that bad, but he kept on asking me how much it cost and where i got it from. I refused to tell him how much the car cost because it was none of his business but he went on and on and on and in the end i snapped. I ended up banging my hands on the steering wheel and told him to get out of the car. He asked me how will i get home then to which i replied that is your problem. He didn't get out and i told him to sit down shut up and let me drive but he then started annoying me even more. Firstly he wanted a cigarette and my car is no smoking. I told him no he has to wait till we get home. He argued saying he cant wait. Then he was playing with the automatic windows up down up down up down. I lost it and told him off again to leave the window alone either open it or close it. He didn't listen and jammed the mechanism which cost me over £200 the next day at the garage for them to fix and they had to keep my car overnight. He also wanted me to take off the headrest and when i tried to explain to him that the headrest is there for a reason he wasn't having it. It is just problem after problem so now i dont take him in my car period. He doesn't go out much anyway and is home most of the time while i am at work. I dont have a great relationship with him and never have had.

In terms of reading aloud the road signs this probably keeps her busy and yes it is annoying for you but i think that might be better than what happened to me above. The question perhaps is that is she reading the signs correctly or does she often get it wrong?

I think you will not be able to cope with this 5 hours. I couldn't cope with my father for 30 minutes so imagine what it would be like for five hours and a hotel stay overnight and then your five hours drive back the next day omg!!!! Hope you get it sorted

I should get some noise cancelling headphones and load your phone up with music you like.

It's better than drugging your mother!

Or, better yet, play some music you both like on the car stereo. Musicals? Golden oldies? Grand or comic opera?

Frances, if you haven't committed to this trip yet, don't do it. You already know how she acts on short trips but this sounds like too much.

My mother developed a Deep Vein Thrombosis after a car trip of similar length. Prolonged sitting should be avoided in the elderly.

Yes. It is going to be grueling. No question. Any chance your Mom could get into a "tablet" with games on it or would have be too confusing. As to the spiking her drink with something, not a bad idea and one you might consider passing past her doc if there is a mild sedative she has taken in the past, is safe for her and works. So sorry, but tell yourself "Tomorrow will come. It always does. It usually comes faster than I want it to. Tomorrow WILL COME and this will be over with". Does she get distracted with telling you stories or is that just more problems? And can you tell her you are distracted from your driving if she talks and it could cause an accident? Or, my favorite suggestion, can you put on a TRUE CRIME PODCAST???? Hee hee. Good luck. Update us.

I suggest finding earplugs. I bet she is just rambling. Really not looking for an answer. My Mom did this with her Dementia, my nephew when he was little. My husband used to ask why aren't you answering and I'd say because they really aren't talking to me.

Do YOU want to go to this funeral? I think if you want to pay your respects to your uncle, you should go, and take your mother along if you feel up to it. Otherwise, I vote for simply declining to be the chauffeur for this hellish-sounding road trip. To be very blunt, it doesn't sound like she really cares (they hardly talked or visited over the years) and she sounds so negative and mean. . .

I guess maybe I am hard-core but I just think mean people need to realize there is a limit as to how much other people will volunteer to experience their meanness and unpleasantness. She can send some flowers or try to rope in a younger, more gullible family member. No.

Lealonnie, your posts always make me laugh!

I need laughs. All I can get. Thanks!

Mum's church had a funeral today and it was broadcast live on Facebook for those who could not attend. The deceased was a well loved community member, but due to family and friends living all over this allowed more people to 'attend' the service.

I can understand what you are talking about. I drove my former mother in law over 1000 km or 13 hours to go to a family reunion. She has complained about her ex husband since the day I met her. They were divorced decades ago and she had remarried and been widowed. That trip she complained almost all the way both ways. Me, I would turn up the radio a bit louder to drowned her out.

Hi Frances. Feelin' your pain. Are you sure your mom and mine aren't twins separated at birth?

There are people who believe it's their sworn duty to fill every waking moment with chatter. My 93-year-old mother (with dementia) is one of those. Always has been. It would be bad enough if it was reading billboards but most of it is complaining, dredging up issues from the past and present ad nauseum. (I find myself mouthing her words as she complains, so familiar am I with her stories). She seldom takes naps and never as a passenger in my car. There's no relief.

First of all I would never, ever take Mom on a 4-hour trip. I'd be suicidal before we reached the half-way mark. I limit the duration of our excursions 20 minutes at a stretch, max. I tell Mom she gets 15 minutes to complain; her time is up. Makes her mad but I'm past caring. Sometimes that hushes her up for a few minutes. Sometimes I turn the radio up. Real loud. Or pop in music or a book on CD, loud enough to drown her out.

At mid-stage she's easier to redirect. When she gets stuck on something negative, which is highly typical, I ask her about some pleasant association from her past; usually about her parents or siblings from way back. At least positive chatter is better than negative chatter.

Spiking her water with Ambien? Tempting, but no. For me, that just crosses the line, unless it's bed-time for your mom, she won't hush up, and necessity requires you share her sleeping quarters. But no, my dear, you are not a horrible person. Just a tired, exasperated, desperate person. (((Hugs)))

Hope this helps.

What about vodka...its clear and pretty tasteless but ought to do the trick! Lol.

My 92 year old always- sniping and non -stop complaining mother is also 90% deaf, which adds even MORE fun to the outing experiences! But she refuses to go to funerals.....she even passed on her own mother's! Her excuse is she's respected these people in life, that's good enough. I guess since they're dead and won't know she's there at the funeral, presumably, then she can't get the Brownie Points for showing up.

In any event, I can't advise you on what to do to minimize your pain and suffering here, short of wearing earplugs......think she'd notice? Maybe some Xanax for you in the evenings at the hotel will help you relax. I truly do not think you can do a single thing to get her to meet you half way. These women have NO IDEA they're so negative or annoying, nor do they care one iota, so they can't change something they don't acknowledge to begin with. Unfortunately.

Good luck and Godspeed, dear woman.