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I occasionally visit a parent in a memory care facility who has alzheimers. I dont like visiting. Mainly it is to check out that they are being looked after and to be seen as another pair of eyes watching the caregivers. It is very difficult to communicate with the parent. They also have toileting issues as well which I find uncomfortable. The alzheimers is at the severe stage.


I also never had a good relationship with the parent prior to them having Alzheimer's and they have never helped me out much in my life. I have pretty much been or felt on my own since about 12 years of age and built serious independence in my life. So, I don't feel much motivation to visit. I am also very busy and do not have a lot of spare time.


So I tend to visit about once a month just to check in for half an hour or so, check that they are being looked after, look in their room etc. It's not quality time. It's just me checking things out.


How do other children of Alzheimer's parents deal with parents with serious Alzheimer's? Are there other people who grapple with similar sentiment? People who have not had a good childhood/abusive childhood and have never had a good relationship with the parent?

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You don't HAVE to do ANYTHING. You can visit as much or as little as you like. If you feel that your visits are not doing anything positive for either of you, then you should consider cutting back or stopping.
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Imho, you know that she is being cared for in the Memory Care Facility. Do not let yourself be dealt the guilt card. You're doing the right thing.
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I'm 71 and retired a couple years ago, just in time for my 91 YO dad to get sick and require 24/7 hands on care (MD/hospital visits, grocery runs, meal prep, help ambulating from lift chair to toilet, emptying commode, wiping, etc.) This went on for about 6 months until dad decided to move himself and mom to AL.

Mom had a stroke at age 75. Not severe, but her memory became very impaired as the years went along. She did no cooking, housework, and neglected her hygiene as time went on. Her memory capacity was no longer than a few minutes at best and then she started to repeat herself. Over and over again. It was driving my dad (and me) nuts. She could not help at all with him.

So he passed away in 2019, and she was moved to memory care immediately. She is "confused," doesn't know where she is, has no memory capacity at all. She is physically OK, got COVID in MC and recovered without hospitalization. But I have not seen her in person since a "parking lot" outside visit in September.

I dread visiting. The idea kept me awake many nights. Mom and I were never close. She called me the "smart one." She told me she was envious that I went to college (and graduate school.) I had a career (for longer than I wanted.) She never worked outside the house. I am fascinated by medicine, travel, history, lifelong learning. She admits her greatest pleasure is "gossip." She is well liked in the MC, but has a lot of unkind remarks about members of the family, just catty stuff that I don't want to hear, over and over, all afternoon. The other thing we do when I visit is watch the daytime TV shows. It's horrible, boring, frustrating and I run out of stuff to say to her.

I have to say the last 9 months without the 3x weekly visits have been a godsend. I am dreading the time when we all get vaccinated and the visits resume.

So no, you are not alone, you are not unusual, and your feelings are valid.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
Thanks for your thoughts. Gosh thats a shame the parental needs commenced just when you got your time back to yourself. Im glad you have found a good balance with what you are comfortable to do.

I try and watch TV with the parent. Its nice when you can do that. But they have no attention span at all and I dont think they know whats going on on the Tv at all so they get up and start wandering around.
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considering you history with the parent I think you are doing an admirable job!!
my H was always been a generous and good dad, his self entitled kids who are in their late 50s come to see him at home about 2 x s year, is in stage 6.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
Sorry to hear his kids dont go visit him despite him having been a good dad. I think my parent is stage 6 too. Im dreading when it gets to stage 7. It is such an awful disease.
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You describe your past relationship and that is what motivates you in your current relationship. You have a need for contact or you would not go. A short visit that will meet your needs is enough for you. If the parent does not recognise you...you are the daughter of your parent and she or he or you will will always have it in "mind"...it never leaves and that is what motivates you, It is up to you...you can quit...but it is meeting you and the parent needs now. If you are tired and she or her lives with you....the chore is wearing on you...after time you lose your ability to "tolerate" and this can result in neglect. It is time to "place". You will always have good memories if you act before the care is too much. If the parent goes into a facility...the social worker can help you will all of the above.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
This is a good point. I think I do actually need to go and visit for myself. The thought of not going for a long stretch, like 5 months or so, actually stresses me out. So, I think I am likely doing what I need to in order to meet my needs.
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I agree that you do what you feel you can.  Parent will probably not remember you were there or how often you visit.  Don't stay beyond the time you feel comfortable with.  When my FIL was in Memory Care we visited about once a month. My husband had a hard time seeing his father the way he was.  Because it was an hour and a half each way we made a day of it and visited his sisters and my Aunt that lived in the area.  Youngest sister visited at least once a week.  I think part of it was quilt from moving him out of the family home to the facility. The three remaining siblings rarely visited and I think one only saw him if he was in the hospital.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
If I can wrangle someone else into coming a long with me its a lot easier. Then we can just sit around and me and the other coherent person can talk and the parent can just sit and listen and they seem quite content with that.
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Just because a man offered sperm & a woman birthed you, doesn’t necessarily make them a parent.
Your 1x per mo. visit falls under “honoring” this parent, in way of the fact that you were given life. Your life matters! You have a destiny to be fulfilled.
I think you’ve shown great wisdom to put boundaries up around your heart, your life and your time. No guilt. The fact that you’ve raised yourself since 12 yrs. old is a testimony to true grit, determination, resilience and survivor skills.
I give you my admiration and respect.
God bless you!
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
Thank you for your kind words.
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I am SO grateful that I do not have to deal with my mother except when I want to. I spent too many years feeling guilty b/c she was always so unhappy. And blaming us kids for her unhappiness, too, tho only 2 of us 'took it personally'.

Mother is finally at some kind of peace in her life, at nearly 91. She is likely to live for 5+ more years, the women in my family live forever. She is finally content with her life, she doesn't have a single responsibility, she can focus on herself. Doesn't care if family comes to visit, in fact, doesn't even KNOW most of the great grands.

I think it's weird, but as she has stopped with the guilt trips about how we kids ruined her life (this seems to be a generational thing--my MIL is the exact same way--her life would have been so much better if she hadn't had 'those kids'.)

Mom has stopped threatening suicide. She's stopped abusing meds, and seems far more content to do absolutely nothing all day. She's only interested in the 2 sets of twin g-grands (whom she never sees) and her one remaining friend than anything else. That's all she talks about.

I visit when "I" feel strong enough to handle any off the cuff hurtful remarks. She has no sense of time passing, so I can get away with a visit every 6-8 weeks and it's all fine.

Best of all, I feel NO guilt over pretty much ignoring her. She checked out of being an active 'mother' to me when I was about 12, and never looked back.

Don't worry about what the ALZ NH thinks of you. They've seen it ALL--every possible relationship permutation and I bet nothing shocks them anymore. Just do what's comfortable for you.

You certainly aren't alone in this!!
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
Thank you for your thoughts. Yes I think the parent has no sense of time. I dont think they know who I am now either. They know I am one of their children but I dont think they know which one.
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Sorry you are going through this.

It is difficult for an adult child to care for a parent that never really cared for the child.

I think visiting once per month to ensure she is being taken care of is above and beyond.

Many children simply abandon emotionally abusive parents.....And, IMO, there is nothing wrong with doing that.
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What you are doing is appropriate. Since you never had a close relationship with your parent, I would not expect you to be doing more than you are - especially since they are in the severe stage and cannot communicate well with you.

One of the issues for most adult children is that seeing our parents' decline is a reminder of our OWN eventually decline and mortality - an unpleasant thought for all of us.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
Prior to the severe alzheimers I saw them a lot less often than once a month. It certainly is an unpleasant thought to think of our own mortality. Its not so much the mortality that scares me but rather the decline. I truly do not want the alz disease.
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You are doing everything you should be doing, in checking that they are ok and being cared for.
Same situation here. I’ve never had a good relationship with mom. Before her dementia, our infrequent conversations consisted of her doing almost all the talking (complaining), with me saying very little if I didn’t want to anger her or become the subject of the complaining. Now her form of dementia means that most of what she says makes no sense, which makes conversation impossible. Before Covid, I visited once every few weeks to make sure she was ok and see if she needed anything I could bring. If she was receptive to me visiting I would stay for a while. Now we have a FaceTime call scheduled for once a week. (Window visits are allowed but she refuses to do those.) Often she refuses to do the FaceTime visits as well, but I can see her and check in with her caregivers if she does. Honestly I prefer that, because it is very difficult to hold a conversation with someone who doesn’t seem to understand what I am saying and speaks in word salad. You are doing just fine.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
haha "word salad" I love that. Yes its near impossible to communicate with my parent now. Each visit there is one statement that will make sense. The rest of the time it is a jumble of some words that are actually in the english language but in a sentence that makes no sense and a mix of sounds that are not actually words.
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I have the same situation as yours. In fact, my father was physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abuse. My mother’s silence and passivity enabled him. I suggest getting professional help to work through your “misplaced” guilt. I did, and it was very helpful. The unearned guilt the abused person carries, often makes the adult child a prisoner of their parents. I have found that very often the abused child is the most sensitive and caring. And of course, as the parent gets older and more needy, the conveniently forget the abuse and turn to the abused child for assistance. Please take care of yourself. STOP self-abusing yourself by feeling guilty. You have the right to a peaceful life.
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Heather10 Jan 2021
Well said, Conflicted55

It is totally ridiculous to expect someone who is abused emotionally or physically to take care of their abuser.

That expectation in itself is abusive. Thus, the abused adult child is twice abused. Once by the parent and then again by society.

No one would expect a wife to stay with an abusive husband, and take care of him.

No one would expect a POW to take care of his abusive prison guards in their old age.
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It's difficult enough to visit when the parent has been supportive, helpful, and kind, but now remembers very little of the past and nothing that has happened recently. I have to come up with entire conversations and right now stand outside my mom's window in the cold. But she enjoys and looks forward to my visits. If she didn't and if my relationship with her was awful during my life, I'm sure I would do exactly as you are doing. You are being responsible for her and yourself. Don't worry.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
I appreciate your empathy. I have been subject of criticism by people who are ignorant of my upbringing situation and who assume I had a normal childhood like them. They seem to expect me to devote myself to the parent all the time without an understanding of why I have no such motivation.

I had to draw on support from people outside of my family to get by when growing up and for support as a young adult and it is those people who are more important to me and who i will go to much greater lengths for.
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My mother was abusive. And still is in her dementia! I don’t visit at all or have any contact. It’s something I am at peace with. I manage her affairs (I’m an only child) and interact with staff and medical providers to insure her care. I approach this as if she is my client. I do a good job and have the best interest of my client in mind. But we have no connection. This is what works best for me. I recently read a quote that when something like this: forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a better past. My past is what it is. At first I used to worry about what the staff or others might think if I don’t visit. But that was the old “training” to constantly feel bad about myself! I flat out told the staff and her providers that I will not be visiting or having contact. I didn’t go into great detail, I just said that My childhood was traumatic and that I will be managing her affairs but not having any face to face contact. That they could contact me with any needs or concerns. That if a visit is needed, my adult daughter has agreed to do it and my spouse has also agreed, so I don’t have to. The staff has been very supportive of my position (also she is as mean as a snake to the staff so I think they have an idea of who she is).

You sound smart, strong and practical. You won’t find any resolution to your past by visiting her. I can only share what works for me, but like I said, I feel at peace and I am doing much better than when I first had to step in and manage her care. I did go to counseling and it was very helpful.
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TekkieChikk Jan 2021
"I approach this as if she is my client. I do a good job and have the best interest of my client in mind. But we have no connection."

That is quite interesting, I've never heard of this before. I wish I'd read this much earlier, a friend of mine had similar issues with a step-parent in LTC who also abused her and could never bear to think of him as father... she always referred to him by his first name instead, even though she said that bothered her, too. 'Client' implies a connection but not personal.
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My mother was in a NH for much different reasons, we had a good relationship, and I still didn’t like visiting. So I’m sure it’s magnified in your position. I’m sorry you didn’t have a better relationship or more loving mother, everyone deserves that. You know nothing will change in the relationship and that visiting is important (and kudos on that, eyes and ears on any place is hugely important) so I hope you can emotionally detach, view it much like any other task that needs doing, and just visit with a mental check off list of items to look over. Make it pretty often, pretty brief, and go do something you enjoy right when you leave. I wish you peace in this
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So sorry that your relationship with your parent was never good. It appears that your distaste for visiting is more about the poor relationship than the realities of his/her condition. I also have a parent that I would rather not visit or talk to. This parent is "cared for" by our judicial system out of state. In my case, I know this parent is getting adequate treatment. In your case, more frequent visits (weekly?) for short periods of time will assure you that he/she is kept clean, fed, and healthy. You may limit your conversations to your parent to "hellos," "just checking in to make sure you're ok," and "goodbyes..." and know you're doing what is expected of an adult child for your parent. If you are feeling generous, bring favorite scented lotions for aides to use.

Unfortunately, you can not build a better relationship with your parent. However, you can learn to forgive him/her so that there is less tension for you when you visit. Consider seeing a counsellor or spiritual advisor from your faith to learn how to let go of the past. You may then find some more empathy/sympathy for your parent.
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I think you have the right idea of popping in to make sure the caregivers know someone cares and is watching.  Outside of that, you have to do what you feel comfortable with.  It is difficult when the relationship prior to dementia wasn't good, because you don't have good memories to hang on to and the person in front of you is really not the same person you knew.  I have tried to use the time with my mom to come to grips with the past and make peace with it.  My parents were who they were, but I can't let that control who I am today.  Use it as a play book to know what not to do... It has been cathartic for me.  Maybe you can use the time with your parent to do the same.
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Visit as often as you feel emotionally/physically comfortable doing. (once a week; once a month, once a year, never) BUT call and monitor the care she is receiving frequently (at least weekly).
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Each situation is different and you do what you think best and feels right. Checking in lets the staff know you're aware of her care, and this may be sufficient. My mom had vascular dementia, double incontinence, legally blind, hard of hearing, non-ambulatory, liquid diet. I forced myself to visit the facility 2-3 times a week solely out of duty even though she did not know me for the last 6 months. Maybe thought I was staff. We had a strained relationship as adults. Very critical, nitpicking, badmouthing me behind my back. Now that she's gone I am proud of my care for her, but it was hard to endure.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
Wow you are very compassionate to have done that. Gosh it sounds like she had so many issues in her last days. It makes me feel sorry for her hearing about them.
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For your kind of relationship it sounds fine yo be checking on them once a month but I would at least do that and not the same day every month either so the facility doesn't know when you're coming
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I have to mentally prepare mysef before I visit my mother, a self empowerment thing. I tell myself I know what I am in for and why I am goint to visit my mother. I am there to help her to the best of my ability. It is hard at times, I do not really want to visit my mother, but I remember that I am on a mission. I do not visit for a lenghty amount of time either. Consider it an achievement that you have made it through the visit.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
Yes I have to mentally prepare myself too. I find it a bit stressful. But it is a bit of an achievement really.
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Call the local college with a nursing program and ask if one of their Geriatric nursing students can go visit your parent. They might ask you to pay or go for free and get college credit.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
lol. Innovative. There are some others who also visit. The step parent is alive and cognisant and visits a lot more than I do.
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Once a month is more than enough from what you are describing.
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Keep visits brief and infrequent, as you say, just often enough to make sure your parent is properly cared for. It sounds to me like you've found a workable level of contact, especially in light of the abuse you've received from your parent.

I've always had a poor/dysfunctional relationship with my mother; including emotional enmeshment, abuse, parentifying, etc. Even before she was placed in assisted living memory care, she was demonstrating severe paranoia, abusive conduct and irrational behavior. I learned to practice grey rock and low contact. Both these techniques helped me achieve some emotional distance, which in turn really helped me cope and get on with life.

Hope this helps.
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Your story sounds like mine. I'm not sure my mom knew who I was last time I talked to her. I'm sure she had no memory of it 5 minutes later. I still feel guilty not seeing her more. If roles were reversed she wouldn't be bothered to visit me. Hang in there.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2021
This is actually what I think as well. I have always been worried about something happening to me as I could never have relied on my parents. People probably need to think a hell of a lot more about how they treat children they have chosen to have.
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I would suggest that you do as you are able, mentally. Your parent is being well cared for, reading your explanation.
I go to see my mother in her MC as I can handle it. She doesn’t enjoy my visits, and I end up angry and frustrated.
I visit enough to keep an eye on things. I also keep in frequent contact with my mother’s caregivers there.
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