Don't want to visit Alzheimer's parent much. How do others deal with parents with serious Alzheimer's?

My mother was abusive. And still is in her dementia! I don’t visit at all or have any contact. It’s something I am at peace with. I manage her affairs (I’m an only child) and interact with staff and medical providers to insure her care. I approach this as if she is my client. I do a good job and have the best interest of my client in mind. But we have no connection. This is what works best for me. I recently read a quote that when something like this: forgiveness is giving up all hope of having a better past. My past is what it is. At first I used to worry about what the staff or others might think if I don’t visit. But that was the old “training” to constantly feel bad about myself! I flat out told the staff and her providers that I will not be visiting or having contact. I didn’t go into great detail, I just said that My childhood was traumatic and that I will be managing her affairs but not having any face to face contact. That they could contact me with any needs or concerns. That if a visit is needed, my adult daughter has agreed to do it and my spouse has also agreed, so I don’t have to. The staff has been very supportive of my position (also she is as mean as a snake to the staff so I think they have an idea of who she is).

You sound smart, strong and practical. You won’t find any resolution to your past by visiting her. I can only share what works for me, but like I said, I feel at peace and I am doing much better than when I first had to step in and manage her care. I did go to counseling and it was very helpful.

I have the same situation as yours. In fact, my father was physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abuse. My mother’s silence and passivity enabled him. I suggest getting professional help to work through your “misplaced” guilt. I did, and it was very helpful. The unearned guilt the abused person carries, often makes the adult child a prisoner of their parents. I have found that very often the abused child is the most sensitive and caring. And of course, as the parent gets older and more needy, the conveniently forget the abuse and turn to the abused child for assistance. Please take care of yourself. STOP self-abusing yourself by feeling guilty. You have the right to a peaceful life.

I would suggest that you do as you are able, mentally. Your parent is being well cared for, reading your explanation.
I go to see my mother in her MC as I can handle it. She doesn’t enjoy my visits, and I end up angry and frustrated.
I visit enough to keep an eye on things. I also keep in frequent contact with my mother’s caregivers there.

Just because a man offered sperm & a woman birthed you, doesn’t necessarily make them a parent.
Your 1x per mo. visit falls under “honoring” this parent, in way of the fact that you were given life. Your life matters! You have a destiny to be fulfilled.
I think you’ve shown great wisdom to put boundaries up around your heart, your life and your time. No guilt. The fact that you’ve raised yourself since 12 yrs. old is a testimony to true grit, determination, resilience and survivor skills.
I give you my admiration and respect.
God bless you!

Your story sounds like mine. I'm not sure my mom knew who I was last time I talked to her. I'm sure she had no memory of it 5 minutes later. I still feel guilty not seeing her more. If roles were reversed she wouldn't be bothered to visit me. Hang in there.

Keep visits brief and infrequent, as you say, just often enough to make sure your parent is properly cared for. It sounds to me like you've found a workable level of contact, especially in light of the abuse you've received from your parent.

I've always had a poor/dysfunctional relationship with my mother; including emotional enmeshment, abuse, parentifying, etc. Even before she was placed in assisted living memory care, she was demonstrating severe paranoia, abusive conduct and irrational behavior. I learned to practice grey rock and low contact. Both these techniques helped me achieve some emotional distance, which in turn really helped me cope and get on with life.

Hope this helps.

Once a month is more than enough from what you are describing.

For your kind of relationship it sounds fine yo be checking on them once a month but I would at least do that and not the same day every month either so the facility doesn't know when you're coming

Each situation is different and you do what you think best and feels right. Checking in lets the staff know you're aware of her care, and this may be sufficient. My mom had vascular dementia, double incontinence, legally blind, hard of hearing, non-ambulatory, liquid diet. I forced myself to visit the facility 2-3 times a week solely out of duty even though she did not know me for the last 6 months. Maybe thought I was staff. We had a strained relationship as adults. Very critical, nitpicking, badmouthing me behind my back. Now that she's gone I am proud of my care for her, but it was hard to endure.

Visit as often as you feel emotionally/physically comfortable doing. (once a week; once a month, once a year, never) BUT call and monitor the care she is receiving frequently (at least weekly).