I am 64 / male/ I have 5 siblings. I live 130 miles from my mother who can't hear nor see well; needs help walking and gets "crazy" on UTI's almost monthly. She "comes & goes" w/ dementia. Her need for caregiving arose about 2 yrs ago when she was living alone. She had 12 cats.. 3 inside and 9 outside. Since then, 5 have died due to old-age.
Every morning: feed cats; clean litter; change water; wash previous feeding pans; dress mom, take to toilet; empty potty-chair-bucket; make her bed; pick up my "pallet-bed" on floor; monitor/ record vitals; install/test hearing aids; change batteries if needed; fix breakfast; deal with home-care appointments and/or dr. appts; toenails; minister meds; flush out feeding tube; laundry etc.. etc.. etc.
She was, and still is a "hoarder"; house is hard to get around in.. she resisted the clean-up all her life.. when she was in hospital, one sister and her daughter "cleaned" some of it "out" (the valuable things), but it caused an explosion of temper and crying when she discovered it.
Two years ago, 2 of my 3 sisters quit coming to help.. argued with her terribly about things that happened 50 years ago; put her in a Nursing Home. Mom fired them as "Powers of Atty" AND removed them from her Will. She replaced POA's with my older brother and my younger brother whom got her out of nursing home. Mom has been the Matriarch of the entire family, choosing "favorites" to handle medical, financial and estate-matters. (I was not chosen. Aha!!! )
My remaining sister.. very greedy (the one who "cleaned OUT" part of the house) was the one who volunteered to care for mom and give baths and such to her 4 days per week. My 2 brothers both work... one retired and one not retired. Each of them spend 24 hours on weekends. I take the remaining day, after driving 3 hrs to, and 3 hrs back home.
Mom is very demanding... she wants us "with her" every minute. She hardly speaks to me; is pretty unappreciative of my time, effort, and financial expenses getting there. To do anything is an ordeal there... everything is "hard" to do because of how "she" wants it done and because of the clutter to be moved or to work around. No bed for me; noplace to store my meds or shaving kit; I must "pack" every week. No computer-services; no cable TV; no comfort; no fun; no laughter; no "light" in the house except artificial light bulbs. In addition, she is uncooperative unless my younger brother is there.
Because I am NOT working, my young brother (POA; Executor of Will AND my mother's little "prince" [Can you sense 'resentment'?]) says that I should spend "more time" there, to allow him to continue making big money.. my sister is honestly mentally ill and a fanatical "Christian". I get flak from both; I get flak from my mother; I get flak from their children... nieces and nephews who "love granny" , but never help out except to bum money and antiques etc. from her. She has 21 grandchildren and great-grandchildren... but no help. I feel like I hate everyone... and they hate me back! The ones who are doing "nothing" are the ones most critical!
I am a 3-tour Vietnam War Combat veteran being treated for PTSD; diabetes; 4 heart-events requiring angioplasty and stent-placements; thyroid; reflux; irritable bowel syndrome; diverticulitis... my joints, bones & muscles are all giving me fits of great pain; prostate-problems and I feel like I'm going CRAZY! Sleeping on the floor and trying to fight-off all the complaints, criticisms and insults is bad enough; but I think about these problems all the time now. I am simply exhausted! All my old friends have disappeared. No energy. The "family" has disintegrated... now, I say I have only 1 brother. I can't stand the rest of them.
Can anyone relate to this mess? If so, and especially, if you found the "right path" to sanity..... please, share it with me! Pleeease? Thank You. -Loyd
Or you could make some demands. You will quit unless: You get your own room which is empty enough for your bed, bureau, and nightstand. If your brother can earn the big bucks (nothing wrong with that!) then you should be paid for your services. Your siblings must speak to you respectfully, and further abuse or criticism will result in your departure. You can think of more.
You probably will feel guilty, because you are a good person, and we feel bad when we say no. But feeling guilt doesn't mean that you did something wrong. You did something that was not what they want you to do, but you need to take care of yourself first.
I want you to take care of yourself, because you're worth it.
Your description of your tasks when caring for her really seems like she needs full time care at a nursing home. You have to ask yourself why your siblings are doing it this way. The condition of your moms house cannot be healthy and I'm sure she has some awareness that leaving the house will mean leaving the cats, something I'm sure she does not want to get her head around. Other then further damaging the dysfunctional relationships that are already about as damaged as they can be, you are not well yourself, so what is your purpose for sticking around, subjecting yourself to unhealthy conditions, and not taking a stand to disagree with their position on how to take care of your mom?
I'm sure you're torn because you love your mom and want to do the right thing by her, and you think to some degree the right thing is what she wants. Well, she IS getting what she wants, but is it really the best thing for her? AND why is no one else, save yourself, standing up to her?
I'm afraid you may have to force your family's hand and either make them get a medical/psych evaluation OR walk away. If you feel you MUST walk away, before you do, please consider calling Adult Protective Services and start an investigation. It will make your mom and your family probably angry at you but your goal has to be the concern for and proper care of your mother in her elder years. Your family is scurrying about to try to take care of her daily needs and she is declining and not really being taken care of properly if truth be told.
you haven't spoken of the financial situation, after evaluation, where your moms condition would be hard to overlook by your family, perhaps a paid professional caregiver could be brought in who would be supervised by the family but take some of the work load of the daily ritual care.
It would not be so bad if caregivers were treated with respect. It sounds like you are not even getting a modicum of respect, indycoop. If you are doing this without charge, you should at least get respect. If you feel like me, sometimes I feel like a piece of gum on the bottom of someone's shoe, and I at least have my own two rooms.
It sounds to me that your two sisters had the right idea in placing your mother in a nursing home. It was practical for everyone involved, since your mother needs so much assistance. I am glad that you only have to be there three days of the week. Still, you need to insist on the things that caregivers need -- a good place to sleep and room to put your things. It sounds like you and the other siblings that help need to insist on a caregiver's quarters -- one or two of the rooms in the house with a bed and other accommodations. It would be nice if it had at least a half bath. Even slaves get that much.
Sometimes I think of how things are in the USA when it comes to elder care. I am hoping that it will be different when the boomers become elders.
As I watch this anguish... this "gnashing of teeth"... for myself, I say, pass me the Kool-Aid of Jonestown Colony.. or lace it with an over-dose of LSD.. or strap on a bomb and Air Mail me to Afghanistan with no parachute! Then again, maybe a firing-squad is best..... and pay the doctors and hospitals to provide the marksmen and bullets (THEY need every penny they can squeeze out of the dying!). The whole situation just seems so frustrating... so expensive... so devastating... so humiliating... so impersonal... so wrong!
In the Philippines, old mothers live with their daughters, sons-in-laws and grandchildren until the day they die. The old village-doctor visits when needed and provides minimum medication... there are no oxygen tubes, feeding tubes, monitor wires etc. My lover's grandmother lived to 92 and died at home among her family in 2008. I spent $400 for her casket, and the food to feed visiting family from other islands and towns. I gave her doctor $75... more money than he had seen for 3-4 months.
What has happened here in the USA.. and in 'the West'? When did "old age"; dying and burial become such a profitable enterprise? I am so sad... and so helpless...
I have stated long ago, that I think she would be best served in a nursing home.. and she has been in one twice in the past year... for rehab. She did NOT do well in either place. I think she has always had OCD because of hoarding. She was always a hard-worker; tried very hard to take care of kids, cats and dogs etc. Really, she is a big-hearted wonderful human being in many ways; but she was always isolated in her big over-stuffed house. Everyone always liked her... but she had few visitors; never wanted to be away from her house for very long; was a bit suspicious and maybe (?) paranoid and fearful. Certain family-members were "favorites". All brothers and sisters were close by to help her with things... except "me". I went to the war in 1968-72; then later i traveled alot in USA and Canada, Australia; Vietnam; Cambodia; Thailand; Laos and the Bahamas... I was the only sibling who got a college degree and who opened my own business.. a sculpture studio doing mail-order business. For those reasons, and others, I stayed on the fringes of the family; often living in far-away places. I was not very well-accepted by my parents, so I left home early. This was interpreted by "most family-members" as proof that I did not want to "be in the family".
Mom seldom went to restaurants.. never to theaters or events. Very frugal; Dad died 1980. Everything in her life revolved around "family". Hard to work for, perfectionist, secretive; self-opinionated... I found it difficult to be around family and her. I love her but I don't understand her; it was hard to get close to her. Life was boring and always too serious there... I was seldom welcomed wholeheartedly, even when returning from war. I felt "outsider status". So now, I am asked to help her stay out of nursing homes by caring for her.
When in nursing homes and hospitals, she is often restrained because she is uncooperative. It is so pitiful to see her like that, after all, she's my mother! She gave me life. She always makes miraculous recoveries when she gets home.
And I agree to a point... the nursing-home environments are disappointing.. depressing; boring and the hired help are all under-paid; over-worked; discouraged and,mostly, uninspired.
I am so confused about what would be best for her! Still, it's good to hear these practical, experienced opinions from you guys who have gone before me. Thanks again!