I am 64 / male/ I have 5 siblings. I live 130 miles from my mother who can't hear nor see well; needs help walking and gets "crazy" on UTI's almost monthly. She "comes & goes" w/ dementia. Her need for caregiving arose about 2 yrs ago when she was living alone. She had 12 cats.. 3 inside and 9 outside. Since then, 5 have died due to old-age.
Every morning: feed cats; clean litter; change water; wash previous feeding pans; dress mom, take to toilet; empty potty-chair-bucket; make her bed; pick up my "pallet-bed" on floor; monitor/ record vitals; install/test hearing aids; change batteries if needed; fix breakfast; deal with home-care appointments and/or dr. appts; toenails; minister meds; flush out feeding tube; laundry etc.. etc.. etc.
She was, and still is a "hoarder"; house is hard to get around in.. she resisted the clean-up all her life.. when she was in hospital, one sister and her daughter "cleaned" some of it "out" (the valuable things), but it caused an explosion of temper and crying when she discovered it.
Two years ago, 2 of my 3 sisters quit coming to help.. argued with her terribly about things that happened 50 years ago; put her in a Nursing Home. Mom fired them as "Powers of Atty" AND removed them from her Will. She replaced POA's with my older brother and my younger brother whom got her out of nursing home. Mom has been the Matriarch of the entire family, choosing "favorites" to handle medical, financial and estate-matters. (I was not chosen. Aha!!! )
My remaining sister.. very greedy (the one who "cleaned OUT" part of the house) was the one who volunteered to care for mom and give baths and such to her 4 days per week. My 2 brothers both work... one retired and one not retired. Each of them spend 24 hours on weekends. I take the remaining day, after driving 3 hrs to, and 3 hrs back home.
Mom is very demanding... she wants us "with her" every minute. She hardly speaks to me; is pretty unappreciative of my time, effort, and financial expenses getting there. To do anything is an ordeal there... everything is "hard" to do because of how "she" wants it done and because of the clutter to be moved or to work around. No bed for me; noplace to store my meds or shaving kit; I must "pack" every week. No computer-services; no cable TV; no comfort; no fun; no laughter; no "light" in the house except artificial light bulbs. In addition, she is uncooperative unless my younger brother is there.
Because I am NOT working, my young brother (POA; Executor of Will AND my mother's little "prince" [Can you sense 'resentment'?]) says that I should spend "more time" there, to allow him to continue making big money.. my sister is honestly mentally ill and a fanatical "Christian". I get flak from both; I get flak from my mother; I get flak from their children... nieces and nephews who "love granny" , but never help out except to bum money and antiques etc. from her. She has 21 grandchildren and great-grandchildren... but no help. I feel like I hate everyone... and they hate me back! The ones who are doing "nothing" are the ones most critical!
I am a 3-tour Vietnam War Combat veteran being treated for PTSD; diabetes; 4 heart-events requiring angioplasty and stent-placements; thyroid; reflux; irritable bowel syndrome; diverticulitis... my joints, bones & muscles are all giving me fits of great pain; prostate-problems and I feel like I'm going CRAZY! Sleeping on the floor and trying to fight-off all the complaints, criticisms and insults is bad enough; but I think about these problems all the time now. I am simply exhausted! All my old friends have disappeared. No energy. The "family" has disintegrated... now, I say I have only 1 brother. I can't stand the rest of them.
Can anyone relate to this mess? If so, and especially, if you found the "right path" to sanity..... please, share it with me! Pleeease? Thank You. -Loyd