I'm lost and don't know who to turn to. Does anyone have advice for a stressed spouse?

I think you have the wrong idea about both dementia and nursing homes, people can be still highly intelligent and have dementia and need skilled care, although his other mental health problems make getting a diagnosis much more complicated. At your age caring for someone with his complex needs would be difficult even if you had once had the best of relationships, continuing to care for someone you had planned to leave years ago must be doubly hard. Find him a nursing home and place him, it's time.

I agree with you about the job. Maybe the counselor was just grasping at ideas on how to motivate you to get out of the house. A job would be motivating but I understand about your age. Volunteer work could be an option at some point.

As far as getting your husband placed in a nursing home I too believe it's time. Do some research on your own. No need to discuss this with your husband right now. Find a few places you like and arrange for a tour. They'll go over all the financials with you. Pick a place and make the arrangements. Many facilities will help in moving the person in. Inquire about these services. At some point the nursing home will send someone out to your house to do an assessment on your husband and you will need to gather documents from his Dr. (although the nursing home may do this as well). Put off telling your husband as long as you can so you don't have to live with his anger and resentment, his sorrow and his fears. Have all of your "I" 's dotted and your "T" 's crossed.

Based on what you wrote this is the right thing to do. There's still a lot of life out there for you. Good luck and come back and tell us how things are going.

My husband told the doctor that he had a heart attack because I told him I was leaving him, but that is only partly true. It was a coincidence. His blockage was 99% in his main artery and he had what is called a "Widow" maker heart attack. But the doctor whistled as in "Oh Oh", when my husband told him that, and when the doctor looked at me to see if it were true, I nodded my head. Quite a delimma, but I stayed.

Yes, it is very tough to take care of a spouse, who is mean and has these mental issues to boot. It took me a long time to save up enough money to make the move, and when I finally had enough money saved to escape, he has a heart attack.

Some times ya just got to wonder where is the justice. But there is a reason for everything. Must be a reason for me staying with him this long, as he still continues his abuse towards me.

Perhaps we go through these tough times in order to appreciate the peace that will come afterwards, when it is all over with. The Freedom.

I don't know how to go about putting him in a nursing home. Who do I call? Do I just talk to our primary doctor? He's still capable of fixing things around the house. I don't know. I'm so confused.

Thanks for you answer cwillie. My family lives far away from me, so I don't have anyone personally or physically to be with me as I go through this stuff. And as far as my friends. it's hard to keep friends when you have a husband who believes people who need friends are wimps.

Thank you eyerishlass (love your name). Good advice also. I will do that. I don't dare tell him anything because he could do something bad to me. So I will.

I did call some Senior Citizen Housing for me to move to. And found one. But the waiting list is 2 years. I don't make much money on my Social Security so I can't afford to go anywhere else. And I don't know if I could afford a Nursing Home. But I guess this is where I really need to speak to some one. So all your advice helps me out here. I have to admit. I'm scared.

Forgive me, but I'm a bit confused. You say your husband is bi-polar, paranoid and narcissistic and that he's had a brain bleed, but you say his brain is ok. You also said he's hasn't been abusive, but you say he's grabbed your arms. Any time a man puts his hands on a woman in anger, that's abuse in my opinion. As his mental issues worsen he could ramp it up and lose control. You say he almost came across the table at you in a restaurant. Also, the way he treats you is verbal abuse.

Granted, he is probably in pain with his various physical issues. I'm sure that affects his mind-set as well. He can't take it out on anyone but you, mostly because you tolerate it. It's easy for us to say "get out" and I've been given that advice too, as well as putting my bedridden husband in a nursing home. But for a lot of reasons, neither one of those options would work for me. Would they work for you? Before you crash and lose your own health, maybe you should visit a lawyer and ask what legal options you have regarding your husband and his sons. More than likely, they don't step up because they know you will. If they're forced to, I'll bet they will. You can also call adult protective services for help. Basically, your future depends on you. What you are doing is noble, but martyrdom has no rewards. It doesn't seem anyone appreciates what you're doing. I'm in the same situation caring for my husband. He's pretty easy going, but if he became verbally or physically abusive, I'd find a way to institutionalize him.

Hugemom what you say is true. I have taken some steps these last two weeks to begin my preparation for "getting out" of this situation. But I want it to be legal and I want it to be the right thing to do. If he only has a year or two to live, I might be able to cope with it. But I'm so burned out. Way past my limit of tolerance and patience, that even my counselor is afraid that I won't last that long to wait it out.

So, I've got to make some decisions. Today I have started thinking now about a Nursing Home, so that in itself is a big step.

Thank you all for your advice. I mean that. Because I'm so mentally exhausted that I am not able to make clear decisions any more. I used to be good at this stuff. But now my brain is just burned out. It's tough to put someone in a Nursing Home when they have a strong Character and mindset.

My husband is a recovering Alcoholic. A strong bullyish man. Hasn't had a drink in 40 years but was a real drunk, I'm told, because I didn't meet him until later in life so I've never known him as a drunk. But all he talks about is his "Bar Days"... And his friends were all like him. Viking type men. Always getting in fights. But since he quit drinking he became quite successful and doesn't act that way anymore. But he still has that personality. I worked in Substance Abuse for many years so I know that when an Alcoholic recovers, they still have the same personalty of an Alcoholic.

So, I've dealt with a lot over these 20 years and I'm ready to face the last part of my life with some peace. But I need it soon. I can't explain the depth of how emotional and physically drained I am. I cry all the time. I pray for my freedom. I feel like I'm in prison and each time the doctor says he is now okay, I feel like my pardon was taken away from me. I mean this with my entire soul. And I feel guilty about it.

You know what. The first counselor I saw I told him that I felt guilty because I wished my husband would pass away so I could be free. That was why I first starting going in 2016. I felt so much guilt.

He said to me, "So in other words you want your husband dead". That shocked me. I didn't know if he was asking me if I wanted my husband killed. But if I wanted my husband to pass away so I would be free, then I guess in reality I wanted my husband dead and so I said yes. But I didn't mean I want someone to murder him. Or dead. I wanted him to just pass away from natural causes. But now I have it on my record as wanting my husband dead, and I am so worried about that. If anything happened to husband, they would think I murdered him. So I went to see another counselor and she is fine. But on everything else I've suffered with this man and now his illness, I now have it on record that I want him dead. Wow, what a thing to live with. Because in everything I write, here and now, could be construed as me wanting my husband dead. It's hard to live with that idea.

Nancy, no one can predict when your husband will pass away. For you to get up every morning and hope he doesn't make it to nightfall is no way to live. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to him either. And, because you told a counselor that you wished your husband were dead doesn't mean you're planning to put aresenic in his Cheerios. There is an oath of confidentiality psychologists must adhere to. Just because you made a comment to him doesn't get you life without parole. And, actually, he was leading you by what he asked you. Frankly, that's not very professional. We all have thoughts of which we aren't very proud. But, we can't be incarcerated for those thoughts unless it can be proved that we acted on them to the detriment of the subject of those thoughts. In my humble opinion, you need to do more than begin your preparation to remove yourself from this unhealthy situation. That sounds like you're getting ready to get ready. Devote an entire day to getting your own affairs in order. See a lawyer. Do what the lawyer says and do it right away. Then after the wheels are firmly in motion, the RIGHT way--forward--have the lawyer contact your stepsons and inform them of your plans. If divorce is going to be a part of your recovery, have the lawyer explain that to your stepsons. Don't apologize and don't offer solutions for them with their dad. You should not have contact with his sons. They will blame and intimidate you. Pick a time frame for you to get your things together and move out and let his sons know.

Nancy, only you can decide what you want to do. No one can decide for you. We are all apprehensive when it comes to big life changes and it's tempting just to go on like we are, even if it will eventually destroy our lives. But when we put on our big girl pants and deal with things, it doesn't take long to realize we did the right thing...and the healing begins for us. Good luck. I wish you peace.

Nancy, it appears you have looked into your legal options. You have saved up enough money to get a new place. You no longer love your husband and have been threatened by his behaviour.

Why do you feel you must stay? If he was in good health would it be easier to leave? Why does his poor health make it harder? I think you know it is not going to get any easier.

Your health, safety and peace of mind should be your first concern. Let his sons step up to the plate.

I think it's my guilt and shame for feeling the way that I do that keeps me from actually doing anything about it. It's hard to leave a dying man, so I wait to see what the next test results will say. If he survives the next operation, the next stroke, the next heart attack.

Plus the only money I would have to live on is the proceeds from the sale of our house as the waiting list for Senior Apartments has a 2 year waiting list. Most of the money we had in savings has been spent on our out-of-pocket expenses for all his tests, and hospital stays, and medicine that Medicare doesn't cover.

Plus I've been with him for 20 years now and there are moments when he is the man I thought he was, once. There are moments when I think, well maybe I'm just blowing things out of proportion. But in seconds his actions brings me back to reality. It is truly an emotional roller coaster. A typical co-dependency.

But this is a site for being a caregiver and not for mental and physical abuse.

My counselor worries about me too. She thinks I should stay until we get the test results back. I should know more about his health by the end of December. If his cancer is spreading, and if his heart is getting weaker. If I can just hang on a little longer. And here we go again, my waiting for someone to die.

One thing you should know and it does make a difference, is that my husband and I are married in name only and always have. We live in separate parts of the house. It's the way he wants things. So there has never been any closeness between us. If I tried to get close to him, his dog would bite me and he would laugh and say, "Aw she loves her daddy. She's trying to protect her daddy". Yes, I know it's sick. And that is why I am in counseling.

But enough of this. I need to stop. I think the reason why I've said all this is because you don't know who I am, and somehow as I kept typing I just felt like I wanted to tell you everything. Get it all out in the open. And as I write all this and see the words, I think to myself, Oh my gosh, this is awful. How sick I really am for staying this long. I kept making up excuses why I should stay, and I really see now that I truly do need to get out because my story is really bad and you don't even know all of it. As I read what I wrote, I can't believe it. I can't believe this is my story. I can't believe I allowed it to happen. Wow, such dysfunction.

When it is all over with, I will come back and share with you the ending. After writing all this, I most definitely will leave. Once I get all my "ducks in a row", I will leave.
Sick, dying or not.

Thank you for listening and all your input.

Nancy, we all wish you the best. Post any time you need to. I will keep you close in my thoughts and prayers.

Nancy, I hope writing it all out was therapeutic for you. No one here can judge you as we are not in your shoes, and the posters on this site are very caring.
I would think about what Hugemom wrote above. You have a therapist to talk with and were able to make that decision on your own - too bad the first one had the empathy of a stone asking the sort of question that he did and the awful assumption he recited back to you.
I would next see a lawyer and discuss your options.
Hang in there. The emotions you are having are yours & you have a right to feel that way, but my real concern is that you may be at great risk of physical harm right now - with your husband and his dog now that I read that.
Keep a personal journal of these episodes of abuse - verbal, emotional & physical. When any man touches a woman in anger, as Hugemom said, that is physical abuse.
He can live for a long time, or not. He even guilts you in the doctor’s office (emotional abuse).
If you find yourself in immediate harm again, get out. Go to a homeless shelter if you must, but leave.
You have a lot of living to do. He has many complex issues.
Please consider seeing an attorney next.
Good luck and don’t feel bad coming here to vent.

Stage IV prostate cancer with now rising PSA readings.
Heart function at roughly half of normal.
Strokes, aneurysms.

This may not be a problem for very much longer.

However, it would be immoral to hope for that anyway, and besides Nancy clearly is a loyal and staunch woman who wishes her husband well. All she wants is not necessarily to be stuck in the same house as he is, at the very least not all the dam' time.

Nancy, reading through I have the impression that you have just one bad habit. You agree with your husband too much. He says he needs you - on a whole series of occasions - and you agree, and stay. He says friends are for wimps, so you stop seeing your friends. He says he's not abusive, so you ignore verbal and physical behaviours which are borderline *at best*.

It is hard to leave a dying man, you're right. And after all the care and love you've invested in this (I won't add an adjective) man, there is something to be said for seeing the journey through.

So what to do?

Stop agreeing with him. Make your decisions based on *your* judgement, not his.

For example. You stay because he needs you. But he doesn't, objectively speaking, need you. All of his needs are quite capable of being supplied by other people, at home or in another setting. No harm would come to him purely by reason of your not being there. No one is indispensable. So if you choose to stay, stay because you choose to support him. He doesn't "need" you.

Friends are for wimps, are they? On the contrary: friends are for well-adjusted adults who recognise the value of human interaction. If you feel you can't invite friends to your house because they would be made unwelcome, then go out and see them. You don't need your husband's permission. You could even get yourself a badge reading "Wimp In Chief" if you like - his opinion on this is ridiculous, so laugh at it.

And plan an exit route. If you begin to feel really threatened or if God forbid your husband does physically assault you, you need to be able to leave the house at once. So have in mind somewhere to go and a way of getting there. There is nothing in the world that justifies a spouse staying with a violent partner, not even his mental or physical illness. You do not stay in range of something that will hurt you, it's that simple.

Most of all, be in charge of what you do. You know your husband is wrong, sometimes. Don't comply with points of view you know are wrong. Trust yourself to make good decisions based on valid reasoning.

For starters, you have to feel a little relief just venting here. I do. Second, your foot is for more than walking. Put your foot down. My mother is exactly the same. We are entering her bipolar season. I remind her of her conditions. That I chose to take care of her in my home. You have to learn to ignore the behavior. He can't walk well so what's he gonna do, chase you? Stop taking him out in public if he won't mind his actions and words. Get the doctor to approve a wheelchair and get one. If he can't walk are you supporting his body weight? Who is taking care of you? Your counselor overstepped telling you to leave and get a job. Who is hiring a 70 year young woman, you asked even yourself. I have a portable commode next to my mother's bed. This is next to her door which has a shoe rack hanging for pull ups, disposable chucks, baby wipes, etc. I have worked at making her as independent as I can and making it easy on me. The transferable wheelchair has 4 small wheels and she can get in it, roll around the house and protect against falls which should be a major concern at his age then a nursing home isn't a choice. Good luck to you.

Do you have POA for health and financial? You need this. Ask the doctor to approve a wheelchair and file claim with insurance. If he is more mobile he may not be as crabby. Falls are a serious risk factor with age and not walking well. Tis the season for bipolar so diet, activities need to be looked into. Fire your counselor who would tell a 70 year young woman to get a job. Best of luck to you.

Nancy, you've got some great answers and support here. I'd pipe in: 1. You only need to get him into care, and yourself living in that house alone or somewhere else, does it need to be a divorce? More of married in-name-only, you can still help make decisions for his care (provided by *othet people*) which I think he'd be lucky to have, and I'm sorry but also so you get any benefits that would be coming to you when he passes. 2. Be sure you have documented all these instances of (yes, as we see it) physical threats or mental abuse. 3. I'd tell the counselor what your real goals are, now, and enlist her to help you plan and execute steps... she should also be able to find names of services to call for this or that. Typically part of a mental health professional's toolkit. I think now she's being passive because you are conflicted. Try to make a declaration and a plan, with her - you've already got a great helper if you use her differently. Good luck and god bless, you can do this!

Nancy, you have shared much and received good suggestions. Just reading your own words has given you insightful strength. You have also received caring thoughts and suggestions. That's the beauty of this site. We can pour out our deepest concerns and receive compassionate and objective responses. Good for you for reaching out here.
I agree that you have done your time and need to put yourself first as you create a better future for yourself.
You can do this.

I understand. Been there, done that. I knew I needed to leave but just couldn't get myself to do it. It was easier to stay than to leave. Finally, he did something that made me realize I needed out, even if it meant living in my car. It still took me four months after that to tell him I wanted our 28-year marriage to end. He died of lung cancer (I didn't realize he was sick) 5 1/2 months after our divorce. He ended up taking out a policy that paid off all our credit cards if he should die. That saved me. The feeling of relief that went through me the day the divorce was final is indescribable. I wish that for you. My advice is to either leave or move him to a nursing home. Realize you don't owe him a thing. Stop waiting. Do it now.

Nancy you say you have lived in separate parts of the house since you married.
Kind of makes me think he married you just to have a housekeeper and someone to dump on.
Time to move on he has no respect for you at all.
Go see the lawyer and move on . As we age we begin to realize time is running out
and we need to be happy with ourselves.
No more taking abuse from anyone..
Take care of yourself now..

Nancy, you can come hear for compassion, to "hear yourself think", for support and encouragement. This is a soft spot in which to settle for a bit. Continue to use this space for your needs.

I want you out, but you have a lot to consider and prepare for your future. You have spent two decades in this marriage. You need to consult with an attorney. Do you know what is in the will? Have you been in charge of paying bills and are you confident that you are aware of all financial assets? Would he hide assets from you? Is it possible that there are accounts/funds of which you are unaware? Does it all go to you upon his death? Is your name on the deed to the house? Does he receive a pension? If so will it continue to you after he passes? You need to understand the financial implications of divorce vs. his passing naturally.

If you decide to wait for the December test results and they indicate that he has limited time and you decide to stay, that does not mean things need to continue as they are now. It is time for you to renew your friendships. You need a break desperately. You need to vent, you need to laugh. You need to remember what it feels like to feel good. Start going out to meet friends, be The Chief Wimp.

If he truly needs someone to stay home with him call and hire someone from one of the numerous home care companies. He will try to guilt you, but calmly explain that your needs are different than his and while you have seen to his needs, you have sacrificed your own for as long as you can. You can arrange to have someone come the same day(s) every week. If you don't have friends to get together with, go out to lunch, go to a movie, get your nails and/or hair done, shop for a new outfit. But take that time every week. Then when December comes you can re-evaluate what you want and need for yourself.

I am not saying stay until December. But if you decide that you must, make changes that make it more bearable. If he ever raises a hand to you, it is time to leave. Get your plan in place now should you need to leave quickly. You have sacrificed enough, it is time some good came your way.

If you really need a job I know you would make a wonderful paid caregiver. Age doesn't matter. In fact older is better as companion. My heart goes out to you. Is your husband a Veteran? Call VA if he is. Free help is available w them. Go to a Retirement home & talk w them. Go to several & enjoy the lunch they give you & talk w all. If money is an issue medicaid may be in order. They shld be able to help or lead you to help. You at the least need a time away from him to help clear your mind & body. Also if abused Cal 911. Call out to God for guidance. We love you & care about you. Keep us posted.

Nancy, I'd put him in a nursing home or assisted care facility right away. You're going through h*ll and it's only going to worsen. The stress could make you die before your husband does. He'll get more consistent care living in a professional situation and you can get back your life.

With regard to finding a job, I'm 61 and having a terrible time finding a job after moving to a major metropolitan area to be near my 90 year old mother. I also have a good education and years of good experience, but I get interviews and not job offers. After researching this problem, I learn that once you turn 50 it's really, really hard to find a job, even if you are well educated with lots of experience. So your counselor's suggestion to get a job isn't realistic.

Please take care of yourself above anyone else. Best to you.

Nancy, I had to chuckle. It many it would appear out of place, but anyone that has married to a bipolar, knows a good sense of humor sometimes is all you have to get you through the rough patches. I've been married to one for just over 20 years and now doing in home hospice, because of cancer. Heck the bipolar hid the fact he had a tumor on the brain. Mood swings and all that other stuff that goes with it can be rough when things are good, then you toss in cancer... well I'm a few years younger than you and the social workers were worried it might be too much for me to handle. I'm doing it, but it isn't easy. Then doctor did add one medication to go with the sequel to calm him down, and that does help. YOU AREN'T ALONE! There isn't an easy right or wrong answer either, what works for one, may not with the other.

First, let me tell you that I am so very sorry for you and your situation and yes, for him too. The best advice I can give you is to have an exit plan for yourself. Call Adult Protective Services and talk,to someone immediately. Also ask them about and counseling services available, just to help you cope right now. And know that you are not alone, though I know that it must feel like that, especially in the dark early morning hours. That is the worst time for me-when I know I should be resting in order to face the coming day, but my heart is so heavy. Do you have a Power of Attorney, both medical and durable, in place? If not you need legal advice. In CA we have a non-profit -Del Oro Resource Center. This is a journey that you did not sign up for. If I can think of anything more helpful, I will post again. But you need to look to your own physical and emotional needs. Do not lose yourself!

I would also like to say that I see so much advice about putting the person you are caring for into a nursing facility at some point, and that is certainly an option that should, sadly, be considered-unless, I'd course, you have not the financial resources to do it. The costs are so high, much more than we earn in a month, so for so many folks that is not an option. After seeking some free legal advice, I was told that in some ways the only hope is that the patient has a fall or other medical emergency and once hospitalized that I find a facility that is Medicaid certified, because once the patient is admitted, after the maximum of Medicare is used,  things are much easier to deal with. I don't fully understand this, or if it depends on the state you live in, or if someone out there has better information, please post.

Addressing some of the other issues you brought up. Some professionals just don't have a clue to real life, they might be book smart, but it ends there! Sure thing just run out there and get s job. In the real world a paying job may not be the answer. Depending on your interests maybe a little volunteer job, or something as simple a just doing things you like. Before we had bipolar husbands we had a life, think back to what you enjoyed then.

As to the wanting him dead comment, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Many a wife has said this at one time or the other. Those married to an aggressive bipolar, even more so. Heck, when the hospice socal worker first came in the door and asked how things were going... I just smiled and said, "Haven't killed him yet."

Don't feel guilty about dreaming about freedom! It's a dream you have had for a long time. We give it our all, until at times we are maxed out, then give a little more. That does take a toll.

All of this comes with mixed feelings. For me, I'm using the mind frame of yes I will miss him, yes I will enjoy the freedom. For him and I'm sure yours it isn't easy for them either. Their whole life has been living to the beat of a different drum. The anger, the depression, and those darn manic times don't make for a happy person. Sometimes death can be a blessing.

Nancy, Your husband sounds like my dad, who was an intelligent and educated sociopath with explosive personality disorder. He was also alcoholic and began to develop Alzheimer's at a young age, which eventually killed him at 87 years old. (These mean personality-disordered people are known for long lives). He was simply an awful man and just growing up with him and (trying to) maintain a connection with him was trauma, so I know what you must be going through.

Not sure I understand your financial situation, but you might consider putting your husband into assisted living and then moving into a van for awhile. Many people these days are living in vans to save money and get their bearings, and many are older women. There are articles on the web and You Tube videos about this lifestyle. No one would even have to know how you living unless you want them to.

Please keep us posted. Good luck.

Nancy, dear one, hugemom is right on the money. I hope you're following her advice and have set things in forward motion to get out of this situation. As uncomfortable as that change may be for a while, it's a change for something better. I'm sure I'm not the only one lifting you up in prayer right now. You go, girl!

I think my biggest question is why do you feel as if staying with an abusive, narcissistic, bi-polar & paranoid man is something you MUST DO? I have a feeling that you are exactly the type of person a narcissistic, bi-polar, antisocial person pursues. You have a problem with feeling guilt over leaving a sick man, even though he is abusive, both mentally & physically.

You must think logically about this. You are 70 years old. He is 83. Granted he has some health issues, but an ejection fraction of 30 to 35% isn't terrible. How long are you going to stick around, allow him to abuse you (and I say "allow" because that is exactly what you are doing by staying"), make you miserable & steal whatever life you have left? You say that we go through tough times in order to appreciate the peace that will come afterward, the freedom----WHAT? The way you're going, your husband is going to be the one at peace & free because he will outlive you. Our responsibility in life is to ourselves---maybe to our kids when they are young---and to maintain our own health & sanity. You owe NOTHING to this man.

You don't have to secretly plan anything---tell your husband you're leaving, and then leave.

I would enlist the help of his sons, who you said want to be a part of his life. Tell him you are exhausted and need their help. Have a family meeting and discuss options. With just you to lean on, he has more power over you.

You have to do what is best for you Nancy. It is sad you and even your husband are going through this. His behavior may be partly due to all the medical conditions he has had. As some other members have posted, try to get his sons involved. If this is successful, leave and don't look back.