I am so delighted that I found this page. It is dreadfully hard when one is put under such pressure, is manipulated and made to feel selfish and uncaring. My mother started putting the screws on me almost as soon as I got married. Every time she hinted at it my stomach would clench with anxiety. She has no notion of boundaries or the idea of a couple needing to be alone (even to have a row). We managed to get her a really lovely flat 10 mins away from me and my sister. she now refers to it as the 'kip' & has relaunched her campaign. When she comes to see us on Weds & Suns we make a big effort to make them lovely days with her favourite meals and movies....but as someone once said 'no good deed goes unpunished'. This has backfired and , I know she wants this permanently - I can see the cogs working in her mind. Surprise, surprise she is certainly a narcissistic personality - our childhoods were h*ll. We are still all reeling from the effects but she has clung to this notion of 'motherhood' which overrides all the cruelty and madness inflicted on her children. I have been hospitalized a number of times because of it. Now I have a lovely home with a man I have loved for 25 years and a wonderful 12 year old daughter. I don't think she can stand it....who am I to have all this??? Anyway the pressure continues. I have never been capable of standing up to her because of her violent temper - if I merely touch on the subject of it she gets angry .( why would I want to live with YOU?) In fine, she has no respect for me but desperately wants what I have. To all you suffering daughters out there don't let yourselves be worn down. You are not obliged to wreck your life for the sake of any other person. Please stay strong. Mary
Oh dear God. You couldn't have got her a lovely flat 10 hours from you instead?
One of my SIL's moved 10,000 miles away from my MIL (literally, I mean - she went to Australia). The other, like you, is holding out from ten minutes away thanks to a lovely husband and adamant ground rules. But don't underestimate the strain of keeping those barriers in place.
Hello Churchmouse. Thanks for responding. This is going to sound insane because basically it is. I encouraged my mum to buy a flat so near to us because in my screwed-up, exhausted mind I thought this would stop her wanting to live with us. It didn't. Crazier still we bought a 2 bed house ( when we could have afforded more) to put her off. It didn't. Your poor sil. I hope she is happy in Oz...my mum would be on the first plane over and I am not kidding. Take care
termagent I share your pain. My mother is with me only because DSS was called and she was removed from her home and I was obliged to pick her up. Our mothers sound very much alike. She treats me with hostility and then overkills with kindness. She also acts completely innocent and wonderful when others are around! She is going to Assisted Living on Monday and I cannot wait! However, I suspect it won't last long because she is not used to boundaries or having to be proactive in her own care. I imagine she thinks they will be bringing her meals on a silver tray. Don't give in to your mom. It will be your undoing. If you are like me, you have fought long and hard to find peace and calm in your life and if your mom is like mine (sounds like they are the same) she will do whatever she can to insert herself into your life. Be strong!
Like a reasonable, normal, compassionate person, you hit on what looked like a compromise. Your mother would be comfortably established, near enough to you to make frequent regular visits manageable. You aimed to include her in your life without either allowing her to take it over or unkindly shunning her.
There was just one teeny weeny flaw in this otherwise eminently sensible plan. Namely, your mother.
Geevesnc. Thank you so much. Your answer really resonated with me especially the kindness overkill/nastiness. I think mothers like ours really know their mark. If you are kind & welcoming it is only seen as a weakness. I know now that nothing but complete capitulation on my part will please her. I know she would not be above staging an accident or sickness to get it. Like you I have a lovely family life which I know deep down she hates and resents and it's horrible but I know she feels the same about me. I have always stood for whar she despises - kindness love and compassion. What better kind of person to move in with? Chin up,
Churchmouse Thank you for your articulate, perceptive and finally funny reply. My husband wants to frame it. I felt consoled but also a little more confident having read it. As my daughter would say "You rock". T
Hi all. Just a quick update. Last Thursday I took my mum into town. I had resolved to put this idea of living with us to bed once and for all. On her last visit to us she had said to my 12 yr old daughter that it would be lovely if we all lived together. In the gentlest, kindest way I tried to explain how this could never happen. Her response was all I could have asked for. Where did I get such an idea from? Such a thing would be bad for everyone. She had no intention of giving up her independence. Hurray! Of course not. That night despite her short term memory loss she ranted to my sister about how much I upset her. Her response to me was her merely mimicking normal reactions which she doesn't feel apply to her situation. She is coming for Sunday lunch today & I will see if her rage has abated. BTW her rage is not because of my suggestions but because living with my family is her ultimate goal. T
Your mother is never coming to live in your home. The decision is made and irreversible. She can't move into your home without your active consent and project-management, which will not be forthcoming, which you are fully in charge of. So just nod and smile. There's no need to discuss anything unless it flatters her and you feel like it.
My stay-at-home SIL - the one who wasn't quick enough off the mark when it came to running like the wind - once cautiously broached the subject of how things were going with my mother living with me. "I wouldn't recommend it," I said. "Why?"
In fact I didn't need to ask why, I knew very well that MIL had been chipping away at SIL's barriers and was attempting to use my situation as a model. Happily for SIL, the more immediately comparable precedent was her husband's mother, who had only been kept out of their marital home by dint of crucifixes, garlic, and everything short of armed sentries.
Don't fear lunch today, it will be fine. Pretend the upset never happened. Tell her it's lovely to see her. Be extremely busy in the kitchen. When it's over, remind her how lovely it is to have her own peaceful space - perhaps daughter could bring some friends round to rehearse their X Factor routine?
One of my SIL's moved 10,000 miles away from my MIL (literally, I mean - she went to Australia). The other, like you, is holding out from ten minutes away thanks to a lovely husband and adamant ground rules. But don't underestimate the strain of keeping those barriers in place.
There was just one teeny weeny flaw in this otherwise eminently sensible plan. Namely, your mother.
Thank you for your articulate, perceptive and finally funny reply. My husband wants to frame it. I felt consoled but also a little more confident having read it. As my daughter would say "You rock". T
Your mother is never coming to live in your home. The decision is made and irreversible. She can't move into your home without your active consent and project-management, which will not be forthcoming, which you are fully in charge of. So just nod and smile. There's no need to discuss anything unless it flatters her and you feel like it.
My stay-at-home SIL - the one who wasn't quick enough off the mark when it came to running like the wind - once cautiously broached the subject of how things were going with my mother living with me. "I wouldn't recommend it," I said. "Why?"
In fact I didn't need to ask why, I knew very well that MIL had been chipping away at SIL's barriers and was attempting to use my situation as a model. Happily for SIL, the more immediately comparable precedent was her husband's mother, who had only been kept out of their marital home by dint of crucifixes, garlic, and everything short of armed sentries.
Don't fear lunch today, it will be fine. Pretend the upset never happened. Tell her it's lovely to see her. Be extremely busy in the kitchen. When it's over, remind her how lovely it is to have her own peaceful space - perhaps daughter could bring some friends round to rehearse their X Factor routine?